Mario Mario and the Order of Philanthropy
by gamer4
Summary: Mario's newest challenge comes in the form of two wars- one against the most evil being in the multiverse, and the newly-sparked war against Tabuu. Based on Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Fifth installment of the Mario Mario series!
1. Peach Creek Blues

Gamer4 in- yup, just couldn't keep it to myself, only a week or so on, and we're already getting started on the next story! Thought it might be a little longer, but hey, this _is_ my favorite book from the original series! Yup, I mentioned at the end of Bottle of Lightning that I was looking forward to this story even more- and that's why! Order of the Phoenix is my favorite Harry Potter book! Yeah, I know, Harry's all angsty... but come on, considering the situation he's in, I think he kinda has the right!... I get the feeling some of you are lost about now, so time to introduce this story to series newcomers- essentially, this right here is the fifth installment of the series I'm writing, Mario Mario, taking the Harry Potter books and filling them with video game, internet, and various other pop culture references! So, yeah, based on the above, as you can tell, if you came here for relentless bashing of Harry's angst during the fifth book, you came to the wrong place. If you came for references to many, many, many, _many_ video games, from absurdly popular to outrageously obscure, the quoting of songs you may or may not have heard of, in-jokes galore, a wrecking ball being applied to the fourth wall, and the occasional out-of-place dead-serious moment, _that's_ more what you'll be getting here. As far as political stuff goes- well, I can't promise that nobody will be able to tell my political views by reading this story, but given how political the original book was, I think a little political stuff might be inevitable- though I'll promise right here and now to do my best to keep it to a minimum. My goal, as ever, is not to start something, just to entertain you guys and have fun doing it. That in mind, enough waffling, let's get started on what will probably turn out to be the longest Mario Mario story of all- _Mario Mario and the Order of Philanthropy!_

Disclaimer: Enjoy this now- disclaimer radio is coming back next chapter. I don't own Super Smash Bros., Harry Potter, or any of the various video games or other pieces of pop culture that will be referenced throughout this story. If any of my OC's from _Solaris_ appear, (a little more likely than last story, but still not that likely,) I'll note it, but aside from that, a good rule of thumb is to just assume that I own nothing.

Mario Mario and the Order of Philanthropy

Chapter I

Peach Creek Blues

The sun was setting over the large building at the edge of Peach Creek- one of the most bizarrely-named towns on planet Earth. It may shock you to hear this, but despite its name, there were no creeks anywhere near this town, nor did it have the slightest history with peaches. The name was an anomaly to outsiders and residents alike. But more about this building.

It lay within a plaza also containing a shopping mall and a few restaurants, and was certainly not the most well-cared for building in the world... or even in that plaza. The building gave off an air of neglect- probably due to the fact that, while children held it in special esteem, their parents... meh, not so much. It was, of course, Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria, which many would describe as a sad mocking of other places like Chuck E. Cheese's, but it wasn't that at all- it had different mascots. Bonnie the Bunny, Chica the Chicken, Foxy the Jabberjay- just kidding, the Fox, and Freddy Fazbear the... Bear. Every day, a small smattering of children would come, sometimes to celebrate a birthday party, then go home to have endless nightmares about the animatronic singers there, who fell very squarely into the infamous uncanny valley.

At the moment, there was only one individual in the building- the security guard. Or, so it would seem...

As the lights throughout the building went out one by one, the animatronics, left out on the stage, began to twitch, and then to move. Starting with Bonnie, and followed shortly by Chica, they stepped down from the stage and began to make their way, slowly and jerkily, across the building. Foxy was still hiding out in Pirate's Cove, while Freddy hung back a bit- he wanted to see how his fellow animatronics did before he stepped into the fray. It was Friday, and still that security guard kept coming back- apparently, he wasn't getting the message.

As she approached the security guard's office, Chica noticed something strange- usually, the closer she got, the more likely that door was to slam shut. Not tonight- no matter how close she drew, it remained steadily open. Looking through the window, she saw the chair turned, back to her, looking instead at the opposite door, which _was_ shut tight. But her door was still wide open. Preparing herself, she stepped in, only for a vastly unfamiliar voice to meet her... ears.

They'd grown accustomed to the voice of the usual security guard- Mike Schmidt- through his screams- this voice wasn't his. It was too calm, too... snarky. "If you're looking for Mike Schmidt, I'm afraid he's in another castle." The chair spun around, revealing a young man with dark hair and a similarly-colored moustache. He was dressed in overalls and a red shirt that matched the cap on his head, and behind his bangs, just over his round nose and large, blue eyes was a strange scar in the shape of an M. "It's-a me, Mario."

Chica tilted her head, confused. What was with this kid?

"Sorry about that," this 'Mario' stood up. "Wanted to go for some extra dramatic effect- how's about letting in the others now, huh?"

He pressed the button on the opposite wall, allowing Bonnie into the room, tilting his head in just as much apparent confusion as Chica. "And... I haven't looked at Pirate Cove for a while, which means... ah, there you are." Foxy, too, had arrived on scene, looking remarkably conflicted- the animatronics only ever intended to hurt the inhabitant of the security guard room, never children- they'd never even considered what would happen if it was a child _in_ the security room.

"Okay, look, here's the thing," the boy clapped a pair of gloved hands. "I feel sorry for you guys, I really do- you got royally _screwed_. But taking it out on everyone who comes into this security guard office isn't going to help anything- you're just causing more pain and suffering. There are plenty of ghosts out there living perfectly normal afterlives, no vengeful tendencies at all- why not give _that_ a shot?"

He looked around, but none of the animatronics said anything- instead, they began to click their machinery together, starting to look more threatening. The boy sighed. "I was afraid of that. I didn't want to have to do this, but..."

Moving quick as lightning, he brandished his hand at the nearest animatronic- Foxy. From nowhere, a fireball appeared in his hand and shot off towards the robot. Foxy let out a strange howling sound as he backed up, his false fur ignited. He crashed into Bonnie, the fire spreading, and before anyone could do anything about it, they hit the carpet, and... things escalated from there.

As the flames began to spread, the boy sweat-dropped. "Crud... should have seen that one coming- whoever designed this place was just _begging_ for it to catch fire..."

He turned towards Chica and fireballed her too- no point being conservative anymore. He pushed past her and to a nearby closet, which he opened up to reveal a scared-looking man in a security guard uniform, currently bound and gagged. "Okay, good news and bad news- good news, those animatronics won't be hurting anyone ever again. Bad news-"

The building seemed to jolt as something fell down just behind him. The boy sighed. "Yeah, the bad news is, the building's on fire. Come on, time to go."

He quickly undid the bounds, prompting the guard to leap to his feet and dash off, wrenching off the gag as he did so. The boy turned and followed at a brisk pace, turning only to ensure that the final animatronic- Freddy himself- was caught in the flames before exiting the building. It was quite a sight from the outside, but he didn't want to hang around here any longer than he had to- the firemen would be coming soon. He could see Mike Schmidt tearing off as fast as his legs could carry him. Ah, let him run- he didn't think he'd report him- he'd saved his life, after all. Even if he _did,_ he'd probably be out of this place soon enough. He hoped.

Alright, now that we've caught your interest, time to slow things down a bit and do some explaining. The boy's name, as he'd said, was Mario. _Mario_ Mario, in fact, and he was no ordinary boy- he was a smasher. As for smashers, they're special beings throughout the universe to whom the normal laws of science don't seem to apply. Aside from a vast variety of common traits held among many different smashers, they also had their own unique abilities- Mario, for instance, was a pyromancer- fire was his plaything, though, if the episode just now is any indication, he had to work hard to make sure it didn't get out of control.

Making his way back into the heart of Peach Creek, he began whistling a mournful tune into the warm summer air. He... wasn't happy. Not at all. Not because of the narrow escape from death he'd just experienced- that was _boring_ compared to some of the things he'd been through before. He hadn't even gotten involved for any noble reasons, he'd readily admit- he'd gotten involved because he was _bored._ Bored, bored, bored- and when he had things so much more important he could be doing!

Every day, he'd been forced into finding more and more creative ways to listen in on the news- no small task when the aunt and uncle he lived with were absolutely hell-bent on keeping him away from the entertainment center- they were vehemently anti-anything-normal, and nothing screamed 'not-normal' like the smasher world. They were extremely distrustful of anything he did, and were ready to don their tinfoil hats under the impression that he had some sort of ulterior motive for listening to the news, whatever that might be. Well, okay, in fairness, he _did_ have an ulterior motive, but it had nothing to do with them...

He was listening for _bad_ news. Speeches about murder, destruction, small disappearances, anything of the kind- things that, under the circumstances, would be critical for him to know. He absentmindedly removed his hat- the item that enabled him to use his powers efficiently, his power controller- folded it up, and stowed it in his pocket. Yeah, he was listening for that kind of thing, but over the past month... nothing. The darkest thing the news had to report recently was the newest flavor of Mountain Dew- Black Label. It didn't matter how many times he saw that commercial, Mario _still_ didn't understand what was so gentlemanly about darker-colored soda. Good flavor and all, but the commercials just made no sense.

He'd thought he'd been on to something when he heard about the strange goings-on at Freddy Fazbear's- just a rumor, more of an urban legend than anything, but he was desperate- and it had turned out to be a group of independent ghosts anyways. Troublesome, and he'd decided to see the job through anyways, but it wasn't what he was looking for...

He'd thought, at first, that his friends in the smasher world might keep him abreast of any events occurring on their side- but the messages they sent to him via albatross turned out to be pretty much useless. Even the _Fourside Tribune,_ the smasher newspaper, turned out completely useless- he'd desperately go over it every time it was delivered, scanning the head of each article before concluding, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that it had nothing to say- and toss it over his shoulder into the garbage bin.

What _was_ it he was so eager to hear, you ask? What he was really listening for was news about the movements of Tabuu. Tabuu, the most evil smasher who had ever lived, who most smashers still feared to talk about- as though saying his name was a curse in and of itself. He had covered the world in a shroud of darkness years and years ago, ruling with a fist made of solid iron, allowing his followers to kill at will, and particularly using muggles as bait. To truly sum up this guy's evil, just imagine Hitler... as a smasher. There you go- we can't offer any better analogy than that. Fifteen years ago, he'd met his end- at Mario's own hand. He'd only been a baby at the time, but for reasons he was _still_ struggling to understand, it hadn't worked- Tabuu had been destroyed by his own power, bouncing off of the boy he was trying to exterminate. Unfortunately, Tabuu's exile from the world of the living had ended a month or so ago- he'd spent the entire previous year luring Mario into an absurdly elaborate trap so he could use him in resurrection ceremony- a ceremony that had succeeded. Mario had managed to escape- barely- and had spent the entire summer so far looking out for news that Tabuu was on the move, ready to cover the world in a second darkness... signs of which had yet to appear.

Even his best friends, Link and Zelda, were disturbingly silent on the subject- yeah, he understood there was a certain risk of them being intercepted, but there _had_ to be better things to say than the patronizing, almost _condescending_ things they _had_ been writing thus far. Maybe they only sounded that way in his head- currently frustrated as all get-out by this lack of any real communication- but it didn't ease the pain by much. They'd hint on occasion that there would be plans to remove him from Peach Creek soon- plans that seemed just as far away now as when they'd first brought it up. Apparently, they were busy- with what, they gave not the slightest hints.

If that was the case, then, why wasn't he at their side, helping out? Hadn't he proven himself, time and again? For crying out loud, he didn't expect a _medal_ or anything, but it would be nice to at least let him in on the plans for fighting back against the biggest evil in the world, an evil he was intimately tied to- an evil he'd witnessed rising again first-hand-

 _Trigger warning, trigger warning,_ he berated himself. The last thing he needed was to give in to the PTSD gnawing at the edges of his mind ever since... that incident.

More comforting than the letters from Link and Zelda, in all honesty, were the letters from his godfather, Roy Alluvia. Just as bereft of information, but they seemed to bear a certain sympathy lacking in his peers' communiques. _I pester the Hand whenever he's over here- which isn't that often, unfortunately- 'When can Mario come over?' Some of the others are saying I sound like an overexcited kid, but hey, it's a question that needs asking. Never a straight answer with that guy... for now, just try to keep out of trouble, a'ight? Just know that the sooner you're with us, the happier everyone will be..._

Which Mario agreed wholeheartedly with, but it made him even more frustrated that there was still no specific date set on which he'd actually be leaving this town. Everyone else off at some unspecified location- he assumed Ordon Cottage, Link's house, though he couldn't be sure- and here he was, scavenging through old newspapers in the vain hope that one of them would point to something useful- but the most useful thing he'd done so far was burn down a pizzeria.

He shook his head and turned around a corner- only to immediately duck back, out of sight. Down at the other end of the alley, he could see a group of boys strutting up the road, led by an apparent tub of lard on legs. Another word about his current living quarters- his cousin, Bill, child of Aunt Kate and Uncle John, was a bully. Like, big-time-his favorite target, way back in the day, had been Mario himself, a habit that had been curbed when Mario went off to the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing to learn how to control his powers- he was now too frightened of retribution to take him on. The various kids around Peach Creek, however... well, let's just say that most residents of Peach Creek were convinced that Mario spent most of his time at Arkham Asylum, only spending a few months at a time in his aunt and uncle's care, and they were _still_ more frightened of Bill. Mario was a vague threat- Bill, a very obvious, constantly present one.

Honestly, Mario wouldn't mind if Bill and his cronies saw him- he still had adrenaline pumping through him, he was ready to take that bullying winnicott of a cousin on, take out some of this pent-up aggression on the boys who'd once made a sport of victimizing him to the other extreme...

It was probably just as well, he thought, as they continued past the alley, not noticing him. Knowing them, he'd lose his temper, and accidentally summon some fire- he was already risking trouble with the Government of Smashing over the whole thing at Freddy's, without actually using his powers on muggles. He'd be pretty concerned about that bit, but he was confident in Gamer4's powers to BS his way through that one. Honestly, in all likelihood, nobody would have even noticed if he hadn't just pointed it out in the first place.

Would Roy have done the same? He couldn't help but wonder as he watched Bill and his gang head off down the street. Would Roy have been able to restrain himself? Probably not- turn that into a _definitely_ if he was talking about Mumkhar, that betraying winnicott, or maybe even Wolf O'Donnell, his declared rival...

That said, he couldn't help but follow the gang of bullies as they stalked off through the town. He didn't even have to be too stealthy about it- he'd managed to sneak undetected past some people much cleverer than these morons before. Their voices floated over the air to him- all the usual bullcrud, nothing worth listening to, until they finally stopped in the middle of an intersection and headed off in different directions.

Bill smirked nastily as he turned and headed off back down the road. Mario couldn't help it- he ran up until he was walking next to his cousin and, putting on his best 'Yogi Bear' voice, spoke- "Hey, Booboo!"

Bill turned- his smirk slid off his face. "Oh- you."

"So, what was the agenda tonight, you brave little soldier?" Mario asked, voice dripping with more sarcasm than he'd ever summoned against anyone else before. "By the sound of it, you've led your army to another triumphant victory over a pre-teen. Crap, it wasn't Enzo Connor again- the poor guy can only take so much."

"This punk deserved it," Bill grunted, reminding Mario heavily of another smasher he knew- and didn't like at all. "Firing off insults at me like he could get away with it-"

"Oh, you poor, poor angel, you," Mario put on a simpering face and pulling his cousin into a hug. "C'mere- I acknowledge your pain! Oh, you're too pure for this world-"

Bill growled as he pushed his cousin away. "Get off me!"

Mario smirked beneath his moustache as he backed off. This was _much_ more satisfying than it really should be...

They turned down a dark alley- not that they had to worry. Between Bill's newfound strength and Mario's firepower (hur hur), they didn't really have anything to worry about.

"You wouldn't be so cool if you didn't have that thing with you," Bill spoke up.

"Thing? What thing?"

"That... that hat of yours."

"Oh, the hat?" Mario asked, taking it out of his pocket and examining it a bit before putting it on his head. "Yeah, probably- but I _do_ have the hat, don't I?"

Bill's snarl took on a hint of fear. "But you wouldn't use it... you wouldn't..."

"I wouldn't, huh?" Mario scoffed. "You're sure?"

"It's against that freakshow's rules- they'd kick you out-"

"And you're sure there hasn't been a change in legislation?" Mario bluffed- Bill was right, but he wasn't going to let him know that. "I mean, you only just realized that Obama's the president- and his term's about to end!"

"You're so brave when you've got that hat on your head," Bill sneered. "Take that off, what are you?"

"Billionaire superhero dumb lucky philanthropist winnicott," Mario made a personal challenge out of stringing together as many adjectives as he could think of. "Or, at the very least, someone who doesn't need five people as backup before he takes on an eight-year-old."

"You just wait 'til Dad hears that you've been taking that thing out-"

"And now you're running off to Daddy?" Mario scoffed. "Because somebody put on a hat?"

"Not this brave at night, are we?" Bill shouted.

"You mean, like it is right now?" Mario pointed out. "Moon in the sky, seeing the big dipper up there, pretty dark otherwise- how is this not night?"

"I'm talking about in that bed of yours!"

Mario was caught off guard, faltering for a moment, before trying to play it off. "Look, I don't care what that Personal Relations class has been teaching you- not much, by the looks of it- but what I do in my own bed is my own-"

"You know what I mean," Bill shook his head, smirking as he caught on to Mario's discomfort as only a trained bully could. Putting on a high, whiny voice, he taunted, " _Oh, don't kill Donkey, not Donkey-_ ' what donkey are you even talking about? Not joining up with the furries, are-"

Bill gasped as Mario snapped- he could take plenty of insults directed at him- he was used to it by this point- but he would _not_ allow Donkey Kong's name to be placed in the mud. He grabbed his cousin by the shoulders and slammed him against the wall, shifting his face to make it clear that joking time was over. "Time for you to shut _up,_ Booboo," he snarled. "Donkey Kong is a taboo subject, got it? I don't care what else you talk about, you do _not_ talk about him! Say it."

"Let go of me!" Bill shouted, face turning red.

" _Say it._ "

"Let go of me!"

"SAY IT!"

"Let go of-"

Bill cut himself off with a gasp, his eyes rolling upwards as his face went from being red with anger and fright to being flushed with cold... in August.

Mario leapt back in surprise- it wasn't just Bill. The entire alley had become much darker and colder. It had gone from remarkably dim to pitch black. For a wild moment, he thought he'd lost control and done this somehow- but while he'd admit he'd done such a thing before, his powers were aligned with fire, the exact _antithesis_ of what was going on- bright and hot, not dark and cold...

Bill's voice met his ears, terrified. "What are you doing? Stop it!"

"This isn't me, Bill," Mario shook his head pointlessly, struggling to remain calm. "I'm a pyromancer- this _couldn't_ be me."

"Don't use made-up words! What are you doing? I can't see! I... I can't see!"

"It's not a made-up word, it means I use fire! Does this look like fire to you?!" Mario was clinging to his hat tighter than ever. "Shut up and stay still!"

He knew what this situation reminded him of, and it chilled him to the bone more effectively than the supernatural cold itself. But it didn't make any sense- what the _smeg_ could they be doing _here_ , of all places? In Peach Creek?

"Okay, I take it back! I'm sorry I badmouthed that donkey- just stop this, stop it-"

"I'm _trying_ to stop it!" Mario called back agitatedly. "The problem is-"

WHACK!

Following his voice to its source, Bill managed to find Mario and punch him across the face, knocking him to the ground, windless, and sending his hat skidding away. "Bill, you freaking idiot!" Mario burst out. "Of all the times..."

His spine straightened as he sensed them- one at each end of the alley. Out of the frying pan and into the fire- out of Freddy Fazbear's and into the hungry jaws of two angry floows... his luck could _not_ be that bad...

His blood turned to ice when he realized that Bill was sprinting, to the best of his ability, right towards one of them. "BILL, NO! WRONG WAY! WRONG WAY- YOU'RE GOING RIGHT TOWARDS IT!"

He scrambled around on the ground- he needed that hat, he needed it _now._

"BILL, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, AND WHATEVER HAPPENS, KEEP IT SHUT TIGHT! DON'T OPEN IT FOR ANYTHING!"

And still, his controller was out of sight, though definitely not out of mind. "Come on, come on..." More out of sheer frustration than anything, he snapped his fingers- and to his amazement, a small spark of fire appeared there- not much, but just enough to light up the ground and reveal his hat laying despondently on the concrete a few inches away. He reached out with his free hand, seized it, and rammed it onto his head. With smasher and controller reunited, the spark grew into a blazing fireball, illuminating the alley for Mario to see, all too clearly, what was going on...

Soaring right towards him, only a few feet separating them now, was a hulking figure of darkness, covered up by strips also made of darkness.

Mario raised his hands- "Kame, hame, HA!"

A wisp of fire emerged, but fizzled out- it seemed that reference was beginning to lose its luster. That, and he didn't have a happy enough thought backing it up... there had to be _something_ that would do the trick... "Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos!" A slightly larger stream of fire, but the floow passed through it almost like it wasn't even there- he still didn't have a happy enough thought backing him up...

Voices began to echo in his head... _Not Mario! Please, not him! Take me, take me instead!_

 _Sarah, take Mario and run! It's him- I'll try to hold him off!_

 _Aren't you scared of me, Mario? Mr. Wonderful Mario?_ A long, cackling laugh... _You're a joke! You're not the lord... you're nothing but a fraud!_

Mario collapsed- was this really it? All he'd been through, the Hylian Stone, the Giga Koopa, the whole fiasco with the ocarina of time, the Console Games, and even Freddy Fazbear's, and he was going to die here, in this alley? Would he really never see Link and Zelda again?

Link and Zelda... his nakama...

He leapt to his feet, thoughts of his two closest friends filling him up, ready to burst. He brought his fists up in front of his mouth like an instrument he was about to blow into, shouting, "Fire dragon... ROOOOAAAAAAAR!"

He puffed up his cheeks and blew through them- out from between his fingers came a massive stream of fire, slamming into the floow with everything Mario had. It didn't take long for the floow to flee- it could easily see that it was outclassed. Left to its own devices, the fire molded itself into the shape of a brilliant bird- a magnificent, flaming eagle. Mario turned to see the other floow baring down on Bill, the dark strips in front of it beginning to pull back...

"DEATH BIRD, SIC!" Mario called out. The eagle snapped to attention and soared at the remaining floow, sending it scurrying away after its companion.

Mario didn't wait to see the eagle chasing after them as he ran to Bill. "Bill... Bill... stay with me, Billy boy..."

Warmth was spreading through the alley once more, light returning that didn't come from Mario's own fire, but he didn't care. "Bill... can you hear me? Bill? BILLLLLL!"

Finally, to his relief, he felt Bill's lungs at work- he was good, he was alive. He didn't look like he'd be getting back home on his own steam, though...

He was jolted back into awareness of his surroundings as he heard swift, heavy footsteps behind him. Spinning around, he saw a large, aged man running towards him. Instinctively, he made to hide his hat, but the man shook his head quickly.

"Nah, don't be putting away your only defense, boy! Didn't they teach you anything? They taught me better than that, back in the war! There might still be more of those things around, but _smeg_ if I'm gonna let them get to you- I'm LEEEEEROOOOOOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIINS!"

 _XXXX_

Alright, wrapping this chapter up! Hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter of this story, shorter than usual as it was- honestly, I'm typing this out in the hope it'll get me tired enough to go to sleep tonight- freaking insomnia. And some excitement over my latest gaming acquisition, _Bayonetta,_ might have something to do with it, too. Before I sign out, quick note about this story's cover- this one's odd, I'm not gonna lie. I found it on Google Images- it's titled _Mario vs. Piranha Plant_ (edited a bit, obviously- I cropped out the piranha plant)- but as far as who drew it... it's strange. I found this picture on multiple different websites, each of which attributed it to a different artist- seriously, nobody could agree who actually drew this one. Shame, too, because I _really_ like this picture- it's a good one. If anyone has any more information on that, care to let me know? I'd love to give the artist their due praise, but this is simply a mystery I can't solve, no matter how many blue pawprints I record in my handy-dandy notebook.

Speaking of pictures, if anyone cares, I changed my profile pic recently for the first time in... ever, really. Used to be one of the promotional pictures to Mario Galaxy, until I found a magnificent picture of the seven heroes from _Live A Live_ (the Xin Shan Quan Master fills in for his pupils) and thought, _Yeah, that's a good one. Hey, it's been years since I got my initial avatar, why not change it up a bit? Just for the heck of it_. Again, not sure anyone cares, but it's there, if anyone does. We've got a couple questions to answer, actually, from the last chapter of the last story, but between the length of these endnotes and the fact that this is the first chapter of this story, I think we'll put them off for the next one, which should be up... later this week! I hope. Until then, please R &R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	2. The Good, the Bad, and the Avian

Gamer4 in. Well, I just had my heart torn out and put through a blender- I'm coming in to write this just after seeing _Mr. Holmes_ for the first time- great movie, very sad. Between that and stress over coming events, I thought I'd come in here and get started on the next chapter. But first, a brief preview- a-hem. In 2014, they brought you _A Fistful of Letters._ In 2015, they brought you the exciting sequel, _A Few Letters More._ Now, in 2016, prepare yourself for the epic conclusion to the trilogy of albatross-friendly films. Brace yourself- nothing can prepare you for the end. (And yes, I did come up with that tagline by glancing over at the copy of _Mockingjay Part 2_ sitting on my desk. Sue me. Just joking, please don't actually sue me. Here, have a disclaimer.)

Disclaimer: I just realized that I never finished Carry On, Wayward Son back when I was using _that_ for disclaimer radio- though I can't even remember which story it was for. Time to rectify that mistake- Carry on, my wayward son! There'll be peace when you are done! Lay your weary head to rest- don't you cry no more.

Chapter II

The Good, the Bad, and the Avian

"What," was all Mario could say- he was too dumbfounded to even phrase it as a question.

"And as for that idiot Kamek, I guess ol' man Jenkins will have to teach him a thing or two about discipline!" the old man continued ranting. "Good thing this old war dog's been keeping the odd eye out for ya, boy, or you'd be putting that hat back in your pocket and getting your soul sucked out as we speak!"

A brief word about Mario's confusion- this old man, he played one- er, he was old man Leroy Jenkins, the neighborhood old guy who was always chasing kids off his lawn. The only child he ever seemed to show any sympathy towards at all was Mario himself, whenever the Smiths had called on him to babysit the young boy back before the days of the Smash Bros.- not that Mario had enjoyed said experiences, considering his tendency to break into long-winded rants about the war (which war, exactly, he was referring to was a secret to everyone,) that almost always ended with him calling out his full name. Having not seen him for four or five years now, Mario had almost completely forgotten about him, shelving him in his mind as a muggle that he no longer had frequent contact with- so seeing him running towards him now, shouting about the floows, was even more strangeness to add to the rapidly-growing pile.

"You're a smasher?" he finally forced out- nope, couldn't even make himself sound shocked.

"Nah, boy, nah, I'm a scrub- which you'd think that stupid sorcerer would have taken into account before he ran off on ya! The Hand gave him this job on one condition- that he _take it seriously-_ so where is he now, huh, when you need him most?!"

There were so many things for Mario to comment on here, but one thing stood out in particular- "You know the Master Hand?"

"Of course I do, who doesn't?" old man Jenkins shook his head. "That moron- I'll give him an old-fashioned military punishment when he gets back, or my name isn't LEROOOOOOY... JENKIIIIIINS!"

Mario was left there, opening and closing his mouth in sheer bewilderment. "Which it is," old man Jenkins clarified, looking at him in concern.

"Yeah... yeah, I've got that."

"Alright, well, next step is to get you back to those Smiths of yours- only place you'll be safe, 'cordin' to the old Hand. Gotta hurry- and keep that hat out, I may be a renowned war hero, but I don't have any more smashin' powers than that lump over there!"

Mario jumped as he was reminded of Bill, still laying against the wall. "Yeah, just a second..."

Working with all his might, lifting with his legs and using every muscle therein, he struggled to force Bill to his feet, lean him against his shoulder, and begin walking after old man Jenkins with Bill in tow.

"What about keeping the smasher world secret?" Mario gasped- this was probably the most strenuous thing he'd ever done.

"Screw the government, boy- you've already smashed the code of secrecy, no point worrying about it anymore- besides, as far as most muggles'll be concerned, it's just a fancy hat, ain't it?"

Mario, getting frustrated, attempted to ease the burden on him by shaking Bill irritably- no use, he was either incapable or unwilling to move on his own steam.

"So... why didn't I know about this one before?" Mario asked, panting as he struggled to keep up.

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I gave you a hard time whenever those Smiths sent ya over to my place- but you know them, if they thought you were having a good time, they'd have taken you to someone else. The Master Hand wanted me to keep watch over ya, figured I'd regale you with some of my finer moments from the war- but now... the Master Hand ain't gonna be happy about this one, I'll tell you that much. Specifically told Kamek to keep an eye on you, and he runs off halfway through to do Wave Existence alone knows what... how to contact him, how... I can't teleport..."

"It's... been... a while... since... Parakarry had... a job," Mario gasped out. "I'm sure he could-"

"Not fast enough, not fast enough!" old man Jenkins shook his head in agitation. "Odds are, the government already knows, and they're gonna spring on this one like a starving man on a prime steak!"

"But I was... defending myself and... Bill," Mario forced out- it felt like he was being forced to carry a sack full of bricks. "Isn't that... allowed... under the law?"

"I wish it was that black n' white, boy, but I'm afraid- KAMEK! KAMEK! KAAAAAMEEEEEEK!"

Mario blinked as old man Jenkins suddenly burst out in rage and rushed towards a spot where an anthropomorphic turtle had appeared, dressed in stereotypical blue wizard's robes and a pair of psychedelic glasses. Before he even had the chance to adopt a more humanoid form, old man Jenkins had produced a nightstick and begun beating him over the head with it.

"Ow! Ow- what the- _hey_! What's this all about?!" the turtle objected.

"I'll tell you _exactly_ what this is all about!" old man Jenkins shouted. "Floows! Floows here, in Peach Creek! Where the actual _hell_ WERE you?!"

"A business opportunity came up!" Kamek cried, cowering beneath his robes in an attempt to shield himself from Jenkins's assault. "It was a great chance, once-in-a-lifetime-"

"You got _that_ right, you worthless piece of slime!" Jenkins shouted. "When my brothers were dying face-down in the mud in 'Nam, they were _not_ fighting for a country where layabouts like you could shirk your duties and leave children to fend for themselves!"

"Enough about Nam- you were never _in_ Nam!" Kamek objected. "Someone- someone's gotta tell the Hand!"

"You've got that right, and I dang sure hope he tells _Bayonetta_ about this!"

Kamek paled. "You... you don't think he would, do you?"

"If he did, it would serve you right!" old man Jenkins shouted. A moment of silence later, he burst out, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!"

"Right, right, I'm going, I'm going!" Kamek cried before turning around and vanishing again.

Old man Jenkins was heaving like a winded rhinoceros as he turned back to Mario. "Alright... back to the Smiths... we need to hurry..."

As they continued on, he continued rambling. "Credit where credit is due, though- you should _never_ have had to do what you just did, but you did it wonderfully- fending off two floows single-handedly- very impressive, boy. The Master Hand said we should avoid a scenario like this if we could, but given the circumstances-"

"So, how long have you people been tailing me?" Mario couldn't keep a note of accusation out of his voice.

"All summer," old man Jenkins answered nonchalantly. "Come on, boy, they told me you were a smart one- did you really expect the Hand to just leave you alone after all that business a few months ago? I've been your main caretaker, whenever you're out and about- just our luck that today happened to be Kamek's shift, if I'd been around, I'd never have let something like that happen- I'm-"

"Leroy Jenkins?" Mario guessed.

Old man Jenkins shot an aside glance at him. "No one likes a smart aleck, boy."

"That hasn't exactly been my experience," Mario shrugged.

Old man Jenkins shook his head. "Ah, well- I gotta let you off here- I'm headin' back home, need to wait to find out what's going on. No doubt you'll be hearing from Philanthropy soon..."

"Philanthropy?" Mario asked, eyebrows rising, but old man Jenkins had already turned and headed off into the night. Mario shook his head and turned to the Smith household- he'd left this place a few hours ago, intending only to finish off the mystery of Freddy Fazbear's Pizza, and then getting caught up in all this smeg...

He lugged Bill up the lawn and to the door where, not having any avenue of opening it in his current state, he resorted to ringing the doorbell.

A moment or two, and several footsteps, later, the door was swung open by Aunt Kate. "Oh, Billy, you're running late, I was actually getting worried, I heard that that restaurant... burned..." Processing... processing... _*ding!*_

"BILLY!" Aunt Kate screeched. "BILLY, WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU?! JOHN- JOHN, GET OUT HERE, BILL'S IN TROUBLE!"

There was a thud in the kitchen, and Uncle John came thundering into the living room, where he joined his wife in looking horrified at Bill's condition, which Mario noticed just in time to dive inside before being vomited all over.

"What- what happened, what is it, son?" John asked urgently.

"What happened- why are you covered in dirt- were you on the ground?"

"Wait- you haven't been attacked, have you, son?"

Another screech from Kate. "John, get the phone, call the police! Bill, who did this to you- _who did this to you?!_ Names- give us names, descriptions, what did they do?!"

As they continued to shout, Mario went into maximum stealth mode, attempting to make it up the stairs unnoticed, until they finally calmed down long enough for Bill to choke out a single word- the worst word in the world for Mario at that moment- "H...h...him..."

Mario sighed as the inevitable dead silence fell- he was bracing himself, and sure enough...

"BOOOOOOYYYYYYY!"

Mario closed his eyes as he turned back down the stairs and into the living room, where Bill was being guided to a seat on the couch by his mother, while his father turned on his cousin with more anger in his face than had ever been there before. "Well, boy, I hope you're proud of yourself- you've finally done it, finally driven him loopy."

"John!" Kate gasped reproachfully, stroking her son's hair as she got up to fetch him a bucket.

"What do you _want_ me to say?!" John's fury refused to dissipate. "Look at him- our son's gone _yumpy!_ "

"Is that even a real word?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"This isn't the time for that smart mouth of yours, boy!" John raged. "I want to know what you did to our son!"

"What did I do to him?" Mario asked. "I saved his freaking existence, is what I did."

"I don't believe you," John snarled, turning to his son. "What did he do to you, son? Did he use his... his..."

Bill didn't wait for him to finish before slowly nodding. John let out a howl of anger, and looked on the verge of pulling a weapon on his nephew, heedless to whether or not the nearest thing to him was a weapon or not. Mario spoke up immediately. "I _did_ use my powers," he conceded, speaking quickly, "but not on him- I don't have the kind of power to do this, I'm just a pyromancer!"

"Stop using made-up words!" John snarled.

Mario sighed. "It's _not_ a made-up word, it means I have powers centered around-"

*WHOOSH!*

Mario hadn't even realized that the window was open until a large albatross came swooping in, dropping a letter on his lap before taking off again without further adieu.

"BECAUSE THERE'S NOT ENOUGH GOING ON!" John raged, dashing to the window and slamming it shut. "ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE, WHAT WE _REALLY_ NEED IS FOR MORE FREAKING ALBATROSSES TO BE INVADING OUR HOME-"

Mario had long since mastered the art of tuning out his uncle's ranting, an art that he now employed fully as he tore open the letter, wondering what this was about.

 _Dear Mr. Mario Mario,_

 _It has come to our attention that, half-past one this morning, you utilized a final smash in a muggle-populated area, in the immediate presence of such a muggle. As you most certainly know by now, this is a serious breach of smashing law, both against our code of secrecy, and against our laws regarding the use of underage smashing. As such, your penalty will be a swift expulsion from the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing, and an exile from the world of smashers. Government smashers will arrive at your place of residence shortly to destroy your power controller._

 _In addition, your involvement with previous similar offences requires you to attend a hearing at the Government of Smashing offices at 9:00 sharp on August the twelfth._

 _Wishing you all the best,_

 _Lana Skye,_

 _Chief Prosecutor,_

 _Government of Smashing._

It took several read-throughs of this letter before he truly believed it said what it did. It was much like that scene in the early episodes of _Haruhi Suzumiya-_ the one with Ryoko Asakura. You know the one. Of all the words in this letter, one phrase pierced his heart like a bullet, the one phrase he'd never, _ever_ wanted to hear- _a swift expulsion from the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing_. Game over... game over. Four years, four full stories of adventures... all ended in those few simple words. It was all at an end- he'd never be going back.

The Smiths were still hysteric, but in his sudden dissociation, he could hardly hear them- it felt as though he'd suddenly arrived at an alternate plane of reality from them.

Another phrase popped out at him- _destroy your power controller._ Well, he didn't know about that- taking away his most essential weapon and tool, now, when his arch-enemy was at large once again- when Tabuu could be waiting for him behind any shady corner? No, getting rid of his hat was _not_ an option- it was far from his first instinct, but he knew, by hook or by crook, losing his hat was the one thing he simply _couldn't_ allow to happen. He had to go- he had to be out of this house before those representatives arrived. Where he'd go, he had no idea, but whether he returned to the Smash Mansion or not, his hat was the one thing he couldn't surrender.

His dissociation remained with him as he stood, returning his hat to his head as he made towards the front door.

"AND JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK _YOU'RE_ GOING?!" John shouted. "YOU THINK WE'RE DONE HERE?! WHAT DID THAT LETTER SAY ANYWAYS?!"

"It's over," Mario spoke hollowly. "The Smash Bros... they've tossed me out. I'm never going back."

For the briefest moment, a trace of sadistic satisfaction crossed Uncle John's face. "Jusssticcccce," he almost hissed. But then the rage returned. "And you think that relieves you of responsibility? Get back here and tell me what you've done to Bill!"

"You're really not that bright, are you?" Mario asked, lowering his lids halfway. "I'm already a fugitive, meaning, I've got nothing to lose- might as well throw around all the fire I want now. So, pro-tip- between me and that door? Not the best place to be standing. You have 'til three to let me out- one... two..."

*CRACK!*

The Smiths all screamed, but Mario looked around furiously- what had that been? He hadn't thrown a fireball, he knew that much...

Another albatross. It had attempted to go through the window, apparently oblivious to the window being shut. Recognizing it, he swung the window open, took the letter, and watched as the incredibly old bird took off once again. Unless he was very much mistaken, that was Bootler, the family albatross of the Farons. Tearing open the letter, he found that it had been written in quite the hurry-

 _Mario-_

 _The Master Hand's at the Government offices as we speak. Wave Existence willing, everything will sort itself out. Don't leave Peach Creek- it may seem like the best possible option, but believe us, out of your Aunt and Uncle's house is the_ worst _place you can be right now. To the best of your ability, refrain from using your powers any further, and whatever you do, DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR CONTROLLER._

 _Rusl Faron._

Mario folded up the letter and tucked it in his pocket- honestly, he wasn't sure how to feel now. _Wave Existence willing, everything will sort itself out..._ so... maybe he wasn't quite as expelled as he'd initially believed? A seed of hope was planted in his heart, and while past experience told him that letting it bloom too much would be foolish, he allowed it to sprout. That said, he didn't see how he could follow Rusl's directions to the letter- if it really came down to the nitty-gritty, how was he supposed to protect his hat without resorting to using his powers?

That said, though, he trusted Rusl quite a bit, and the Master Hand had never let him down before...

Mario sighed. "Alright, you win. I'll stay." With that, he sat down in the nearby rocking chair, finally taking in the stunned looks on the Smiths' faces. "Okay, you've got questions."

"You're damn right we do," John concurred, fury returning to his features. "Who's pelting our house with these birds?!"

"The first one was from the Government of Smashing- that's the one that told me I was expelled," Mario explained, keeping one eye on the window, preparing to run if any officials appeared there. "The second one was from my friend's dad- he works for the government."

John was stunned, but then fell back on the greatest tool at his disposal- bigotry. "Well, there you go, then- I was wondering how our country was going so far downhill, there's the answer- your people are taking the highest-"

He'd continued his rambling for quite a while before realizing Mario wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention. Finally, he sighed and snapped his fingers for his nephew's attention. "In that case... why _did_ they expel you?"

"For using my powers," Mario sighed- this was going to go over well, he could just tell.

Sure enough- "AHA!" John burst out. "SO YOU ADMIT TO IT- YOU USED YOUR POWERS TO PUT BILL IN THIS STATE! _WHAT DID YOU DO?!_ "

"I already told you, I didn't use my powers on him, I saved his life," Mario shook his head.

"L...liar..." Bill muttered weakly, drawing his parents' attention to him. They both urged Mario to be silent through sign language, then huddled around him.

"What happened, son?" Kate asked. "What did he do?"

"First... he... he put on that hat of his..."

"Granted, I _did_ do that," Mario nodded, "but I didn't-"

"SHUT _UP!_ " John belted out. "What happened next, son?"

"Everything went dark," Bill shuddered. "So dark... and cold... I wasn't happy- never had been... never would be... things... things... voices in my head..."

And there were the looks of horror from Aunt and Uncle Smith. They didn't hate them _quite_ as much as smashers, or Mario, but neither particularly appreciated those who heard voices in their heads. Asuka Langley Soryu? Yeah, they wouldn't be a fan. Shinji Ikari would be right out.

"And... what did they say?" Kate asked, dread in her voice, but Bill shook his head listlessly.

Now Mario was intrigued- as far as he knew, Bill had basically been handed everything he wanted on a silver platter- the worst experience in near memory was when he'd been forced on a diet, which had driven him to anger, not abject despair. What was it the floows had forced him to go through?

"Why did you fall over?" John asked when it became clear that Bill wasn't about to answer.

"Tried to get away- tripped," Bill muttered. "That's when the feeling... the feeling got me..."

John turned onto Mario, face turning a shade of red Mario should be proud of, as much as he loved the color. "So, that's it, hm? You used some sort of mumbo-jumbo to force Bill into this frame of mind where... where he thought he was doomed to eternal suffering, huh?"

"Your ignorance of the smasher world never ceases to amaze," Mario shook his head. " _I don't have that kind of power._ I'm a _pyromancer-_ my powers are centered around _fire._ I'm not the culprit you're looking for- it was a couple of floows!"

"A couple of what now?" John asked.

"Floo... ows," Mario sounded out.* "A couple of freaking floows."

"And do you care to elaborate on what in the name of sanity a floow is?" John snarled.

"They guard Subspace, the smashers' prison."

Mario's jaw dropped- while the sentence was perfectly true, he hadn't been the one to say it. The words had come, not from his mouth, but from _Aunt Kate's._ Okay, _now_ things were getting ridiculous. He'd heard of Kamek before- it took a little imagination, but he could honestly see old man Jenkins having connections to the smasher word... but Aunt freaking Kate?

Everyone was staring at her, slack-jawed- she herself had slapped her hands over her mouth like a schoolgirl who'd just let slip a foul, disgusting swear. Mario was the first to speak. "How... how did you know that?"

Aunt Kate lowered her hands, licking her lips nervously. "That... that creature... he told her... Sarah... years ago. It always stuck out in my mind..."

"'Creature?'" Mario lowered his lids halfway. "Come on, I know you didn't like my Dad, but at least acknowledge his freaking _humanity!_ "

He was falling back on his straight man side, as it was familiar territory, but he was honestly shocked- Aunt Kate was a woman who made a hobby out of finding ways to deny that she'd ever _had_ a sister to begin with- what circumstances had prompted her to hang on to this particular piece of information for the many, many years that must have come since she'd first heard it?

"So... so..." John's voice was one of a man who was rapidly losing hope. "He's not... he's not BS-ing? These flu-things actually exist?"

Kate nodded.

A long, long silence followed- nobody quite knew how to break this one. Fortunately, nobody had to think about it too hard- the window had yet to be closed since Mario had opened it last, making it easy for the third albatross of the night to soar in and drop another letter on Mario's lap. He was already tearing it open before it was out the window again. Ignoring John's anguished cries as he slammed the window shut again with _much_ more force than what was strictly necessary, he began to read.

 _Dear Mr. Mario Mario..._

 _Sixteen minutes ago, we wrote to you with the information that you had been exiled from the world of smashers, and expelled from its most prestigious school. Since then, new information has come to light in regards to the events of this morning- the aforementioned hearing is now relegated a trial, which will be overseen by Justice Mia Fey, and handled by Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth and a state-appointed defense attorney. You may retain your controller until this date- in addition, your status as a student at the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing will be decided at this time._

 _Wishing you all the best,_

 _Lana Skye,_

 _Chief Prosecutor,_

 _Government of Smashing._

Once more, it took Mario several read-throughs of this letter before he accepted that yes, it really said that. Some of the tension in his chest eased up, and that sprout of hope began to bear a bud- but he wouldn't allow it to bloom into a flower _quite_ yet- it looked like everything hung on this trial.

"So, what now?" John asked, finally calming himself enough for semi-rational thought. "Have they made their decision?"

"No, they just did what governments do best- postponed it," Mario shrugged. "There's going to be a trial in a few weeks. They'll decide for certain then. So, all that said..." Mario sighed, standing up, "I'm tired- time for bed."

"NO, IT IS _NOT_ TIME FOR BED!" John burst out, pointing at the chair Mario had just been rising from. "SIT BACK DOWN- WE ARE GETTING TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS _TONIGHT!_ "

"The bottom of what?" Mario asked, doing as he was bid.

"BILL!" John shouted. "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SON?!"

"Oh, right, that," Mario muttered. "Okay, look, here's what happened- I met up with Bill as we were both on the way home- him from a panty raid or whatever the smeg he and his gang do at night, I from a seedy pizzeria. Things started to get heated, so we thought we'd take a shortcut through a back alley- because that's _always_ a great idea. Things got more heated, I took out my hat, then we got jumped by two flipping floows."

"But what did they _do?_ " John asked. "What are these things?"

"Demons from the blackest pits of _Hell!_ " Mario belted out, growing impatient. "They suck out all the happiness a person has, and if they're feeling _particularly_ sadistic, they'll try to kiss them-"

"And that means _what?!_ "

"It means they try to suck out your soul," Mario explained.

Another scream from Kate. "But- but he hasn't lost his-"

"No, no, he's still got his soul," Mario shook his head. "If he didn't, none of this would have even happened."

"So, you fought 'em off, huh?" John asked, turning to his son with the air of someone struggling to bring things into a context they understood.

"No, he didn't," Mario shook his head. "Like I said- demons from the blackest pits of Hell- it takes a little more than brute strength to fight them off."

"Why's he okay, then?"

"Like I keep saying, I saved us- I used a final-"

*WHOOSH!*

*tap.*

"ALBATROSSES! ENOUGH FREAKING ALBATROSSES!"

Yup, fourth albatross, fourth letter for Mario. He tore it open right away. He was certain that it would be from the Master Hand, finally explaining and giving insight into what the actual smeg was going on that he actually found himself extremely disappointed when it turned out to be among the shortest letters ever written to him by Roy Alluvia.

 _Rusl's told us everything- we're trying to sort it all out. Stay there- don't leave Peach Creek no matter what._

Mario facepalmed- that couldn't be it, could it? Everything that had happened, all that smeg, and still nobody could spare some ink to finally tell him what was happening?

"I look one way, albatross! I look the other, another albatross!"

"WILL YOU FORGET THE FREAKING ALBATROSSES?!" Mario burst out- he was _extremely_ frustrated right now, and not in the mood to have this conversation with his uncle. "I'm just the recipient- I have _no_ control over whether they come or not!"

"Yeah, yeah, I see right through your BS!" John barked. "Why would they expel you if it was these flu-ohs that did this to Bill, huh?!"

"Because I _did_ use my powers," Mario repeated. "But not on Bill! I used a final smash- the only branch of smashing powerful enough to fend those winnicotts off!"

"Which doesn't explain why they were here to begin with!" John pointed out.

"Honestly, that's been bugging me, too," Mario acknowledged, burying his face in his hands. "The smeg _were_ they doing here...?"

Another long, ringing silence. Just when Mario thought he was finally about to get some rest and recuperate from this madness, John picked it up again. "You," he snarled. "It's got to be you! It's always you- why else would they be here? You say they guard a prison- you're on the run from the law!"

"No, I'm freaking not!" Mario burst out. "Holy Wave Existence, can you just back off for five freaking seconds! There's only one thing I can think of..."

"Which is?!"

"The only thing I can think- they were sent by... by _him._ "

"By who?!"

"Yeah, must be," Mario though out loud. "Nobody else would be evil enough to abuse floows like that..."

XXXX

"Nwehehe... _nwehehe_...NWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"

XXXX

"By _who?!_ " John repeated.

"First off, by _whom_ ," Mario corrected- kind of, he didn't actually know if that was right, he just wanted to infuriate his uncle even more. "Second- I'm talking about Tabuu."

You know, irony was something that loved to force itself in anywhere. Typically, the Smiths flinched, winced, or cringed anytime _anything_ about the smasher world was brought up in their presence, yet, when the darkest, most evil part of that world was brought up, it flew a few miles over their heads- they just looked confused at the name of a smasher most _smashers_ still flinched, winced, or cringed at the name of.

"Tabuu... Tabuu... I fell like I've heard that name somewhere," John muttered, tapping his foot furiously. Snapping his fingers, he nodded. "Oh, right- that deranged hand mentioned him a few years back- he's the one who-"

"Killed my parents, yup- glad to see you remember _something_ about them," Mario muttered.

"But he's dead, isn't he?" John shook his head. "That hand said so- he died fifteen years ago!"

"So we thought," Mario agreed. "But it would seem news of his death was premature."

"And what do you mean by that?"

"I mean he's back," Mario said simply.

A long, long silence, punctuated at long last by a feeble word from Aunt Kate- "B...back?"

Mario blinked as he looked up at her- a shadow seemed to have crossed his aunt's face. A notion passed by him, a thought that he occasionally entertained at the very back of his mind, but very rarely had it hit him as hard as it did now- at the end of the day, Aunt Kate _was_ his mother's sister. True, it hadn't stopped her from abusing him nonstop for the past several years- it in no way made up for the things she'd done- but what it _did_ mean was that, for once, Mario wasn't alone here- he wasn't the only person in the household with a decent idea of what Tabuu's return actually meant.

"Yes," Mario nodded. "It happened about a month ago- I watched it happen. He's back and kicking."

John looked down at them in surprise as a look of sheer terror took his wife's face and she began to cling to him like a child to their parents. "Hold up... hold up. You say this... this Tab guy is back?"

"Tabuu," Mario corrected. "But yes."

"The one who killed your parents, along with God alone knows how many other people."

"Yup."

"And now he's sending fladabadabadoohs after you?"

"Couldn't say for sure, but that's what it looks like," Mario nodded.

"Well, in that case, our next course of action is clear," John straightened up. "Boy... away with you!"

Mario blinked. "Huh?"

"Out!" John shouted. "Get out of this house! Get out! We should have done it years ago- or better yet, never taken you in at all! Siccing a wolf on Bill, double jumping on school roofs like you owned the place, the turkey incident- we've never been able to enjoy Thanksgiving properly since!- sent Megan up into the air, destroyed our bathroom, destroying our desserts, and don't even get me _started_ on that phone box- out! You've leeched off us for long enough, and if there's some crazy killer after your blood, you can deal with it on your own- you're _not_ bringing _us_ into the line of fire! Get out!"

Mario didn't rise from the chair this time- angry as he was with Rusl and Roy right now, he knew they both ultimately wanted the best for him, and they'd made it very clear- _do not leave Peach Creek-_ stay with the Smiths, no matter _what_.

"What's with the delay?!" John burst out again. "You were trying to force your way out not that long ago, and no one's stopping you now! The door's right there, all you need to do is pack up and _leave!_ Can someone remind me why we even accepted you in the first-"

 _*Ding-dong.*_

Everyone spun around to stare at the front door. Forcing himself to remain calm, John headed to the door and opened it up, only for a strange man to burst in, dressed in remarkably short shorts, a tight top that showed off his midriff, and a large red hat. A whistle in his mouth blew as he somehow made his way past Uncle John and into the middle of the room. "HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!" he called, causing a ringing to fill the ears of everyone present. He reached into a satchel at his side and produced an envelope. "I've got a letter here for-"

"For me, right?" Mario guessed, reaching out. "Alright, hand it over."

"Nope!" the mailman shook his head, stepping back to keep the letter out of Mario's reach, all while the Smiths simply sat, dumbfounded, staring at this odd intruder. "This here's a letter for Kate Smith!"

John spoke up, fury entering his voice again. "I don't know _who_ you are, but you will _not_ be delivering that letter here!"

"Are you sure?" the mailman asked, confused. "It seems like a pretty detailed address- _Kate Smith, couch in the living room, Number 3, Peach Creek?_ That _is_ you, isn't it?" As he spoke, he addressed Kate in question.

"Yeah, that's her," Mario sighed- he just wanted to get this absurd scenario overwith.

"You will not hurt her!" John yelled.

"I don't _want_ to hurt her!" the mailman shook his head, eyes wide at the suggestion. "I just want to get her her mail! Here's what it says..."

He took out the letter and read it out loud at the top of his lungs-

" _THE PATH OF THE RIGHTEOUS MAN IS BESET ON ALL SIDES BY THE INIQUITIES OF THE SELFISH AND THE TYRANNY OF EVIL! BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO, IN THE NAME OF CHARITY AND GOOD WILL, SHEPHERD THE WEAK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF DARKNESS, FOR THEY ARE TRULY THEIR SONS' KEEPERS, AND THE FINDERS OF LOST CHILDREN! I WILL STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE WITH GREAT VENGEANCE AND FURIOUS ANGER, THOSE WHO ATTEMPT TO POISON AND DESTROY MY SON! AND YOU WILL KNOW MY NAME-"_ (cue awesome guitar solo) _"-WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!"_ **

The mailman took a deep breath as he concluded the letter. "...And that's what it says," he confirmed. "Well, can't hang around here all day- onward to mail!" He thrust the letter at Kate, presumably for future reference, then tore off into the night.

John's jaw dropped. "What is this... I don't even... Kate?"

Apparently, whatever all that had meant, it held much more meaning for Kate than a simple pop culture reference. John wasn't alone in his jaw-droppage- Bill and Mario were struggling to make sense of this as well. Finally, Kate, almost choking as she spoke, forced out, "The... the boy stays, John."

"W-what?"

"He... he stays."

"But... but Kate," John was clearly struggling to understand how that faux-biblical-passage had somehow managed to sway her opinion so much.

"If we kick him out, the neighbors will start talking." Kate was clearly struggling to hide how unnerved she was as she adopted her usual manner. "Too many awkward questions- we have to keep him."

Mario didn't believe that one for a second- it was a last-minute excuse, not her actual reasoning. That said, for the life of him, he couldn't _begin_ to discern the _actual_ reason. "So... who was that letter from?"

"Don't ask questions," Kate snapped, falling back on her oldest rule.

"You're not- you're not in contact with smashers, are you?"

"Go to bed!" Kate snapped again- she was clearly getting more and more uncomfortable.

"What the smeg was that all about- why would someone be firing off quotes like-"

"WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?! YOUR AUNT SAID TO GO TO BED, SO _GET TO BED!_ "

 _XXXX_

*That's my pronunciation and I'm sticking to it.

** Yeah, I love _Pulp Fiction_ just a tad _too_ much. Come on, it's one of the most quotable movies... ever!

Alright, wrapping this one up. Still feeling pretty stressed, but a little better than when I started- lost some of my anti-depressants, led to a very steep slope that, thankfully, ended when I got them renewed- starting to feel better again. But enough facebook-stuff, I have some questions to answer! To begin with, let's tackle the questions from the end of last story- starting with this question from Spidershadow:

Q: Is the 'Nwehe' supposed to be a clue to Umbridge's identity? A: Sure is! I won't say who, but there's someone out there who's already correctly guessed Umbridge's true identity- shout-out to them when said identity is finally revealed. For long-time Chuggaaconroy fans, here's another clue- count the 'he's.'

And next, a more standard question from FelineWithin-

Q: Where does the sleep totem (see _Mario Mario and the Bottle of Lightning chapter 40 for details)_ come from? A: That's a shout-out to Kirby- specifically, those totems that give Kirby the power shown on them instantly- even more specifically, the _incredibly_ jerkish sleep totem that gives him the sleep ability. Man... back in _Superstar,_ there was a maze of those freaking things in _The Great Cave Offensive_ , left scars on me that have never fully healed... Also, glad to see you caught the _Live A Live_ reference at the tail end of the last story, and I just want to say, yes, Li Kuugo will be in this story. Not a huge part, mind you- probably another CF- but she'll be playing a part nonetheless.

Alright, long enough end-notes. As usual, hope you guys all enjoyed! To let me know, please R&R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	3. Escape from Peach Creek

Gamer4 in- getting started on this chapter the morning after uploading the last one-probably something to do with my excitement to get out of Peach Creek, as usual- things are just more interesting in the smasher world. Nothing else major to say- let's dive right in!

Disclaimer: Once, I rose above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion- I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high!

Chapter III

Escape from Peach Creek

 _Crap's hit the fan this time- I've been attacked by floows and am in massive trouble with the government- the least you can do is give me a hint as to what the smeg is going on._

Crude, but Mario was really starting to lose his patience with being kept in the dark about everything. That in mind, he copied the above words into three letters, sealed them all up, and sent them individually to Roy, Link, and Zelda. Parakarry was out on a nighttime flight- strange, he didn't realize albatrosses were nocturnal. Either way, he paced around his room until Parakarry finally came back, landing gently on his bed.

"About freaking time," he muttered agitatedly. "Got a job for you!"

Parakarry's head tilt conveyed the message- _Come on, man, I just got back from a flight- can't it wait a little?_

"No, it freaking can't," Mario shook his head. "These letters? Take them to Strider, Link, and Zelda- don't come back until they finally put some decent explanations down- I'm tired of being in the dark. Attack them if you have to, I don't even care at this point."

Parakarry seemed to be scrutinizing him- this wasn't the Mario he knew.

"Here, I'll tie them up for you..."

Parakarry gave a soft coo, apparently attempting to calm him, as Mario did as he'd said. The moment he did, Parakarry took off out of the window. Left alone, Mario felt guilt beginning to gnaw at him- he'd been pretty short with the bird who was his only companion in these accursed summer months. Well... he'd make it up to him. Somehow. When he got back- which had to be soon, right? How could his friends ignore this one? Surely, he didn't have long to wait before finally getting out of this place...

XXXX

Remember those lessons about tempting fate we're always talking about? Well, there you go- Parakarry wasn't back the next day. Or the next. Over said days, Mario left his room only once, to listen to the news as usual- he'd only been out long enough to hear a report about the fire at Freddy's, which was being chalked up to faulty wiring- apparently, Mike Schimdt himself had testified to that effect. That was about all he heard before swinging back upstairs when the Smiths had begun directing glares his way.

Three years ago, Mario had entered a perpetual house arrest in his room- a prison-style sliding metal hatch had been put into his door for food to be pushed in at certain times, and Mario had been locked in the room around the clock. He now found himself in a similar predicament, down to Kate pushing his meals through that same hatch, except this time, the exile was self-imposed- there was nothing for him out there- not until Parakarry came back, at any rate.

With nothing else to think of, his mind turned toward the upcoming trial- and began to build up his nerves. Thoughts of the worst-case scenario filled his head- that he was found entirely guilty, expelled, exiled, the whole shebang. What would happen then? The only thing he knew for certain- _smeg_ if he'd go back to the Smiths. Never again did he intend to live under their shadows. But then, what? Roy had once suggested accepting Mario into his house- could that be a viable option? Or was this wondering moot- could the government legitimately rule against him harshly enough to send him off to Subspace? Surely not... but then again, Mario had had some _very_ screwy run-ins with the smasher justice system in the past...

It was the evening of the third night that something changed. Mario was leaning back in his room, staring at the ceiling. He'd considered booting up his Wii U in an effort to take his mind off of things, but lately, he didn't seem to be able to concentrate on anything. So, there he was, when he heard his doorknob turning- he rolled over to see Uncle John standing there, looking almost half as pompous as Tingle Limpah, his old Protection from the Evils teacher, generally had- which was pretty dang pompous.

"We're going out," he explained.

"Hm?" Mario gave an apathetic grunt.

"Your aunt, Bill, and I- we have an important engagement."

"Sounds good."

"While we are gone, I don't want you leaving this room."

"Wasn't planning on it anyway."

"If we find so much as a fingerprint on any of our possessions, there'll be hell to pay."

"Wave Existence forbid."

"We've taken inventory of all the food in the fridge- if there's anything missing when we get back..."

"Perish the thought."

"Just to make certain, I'm going to lock your door."

"Have the smeg at it."

John glared at him, apparently still not satisfied, but, nonetheless, turned and closed the door. A second later, a clicking noise signaled a key in the lock- Mario was now imprisoned whether he wanted to be or not. Then came the rumble of the Smiths' car in the driveway. Mario sighed. "Good talk. Good talk- always enjoy our witty repartee."

Mario honestly didn't give a crud- he'd been planning to just lay in bed, continually waiting for Parakarry's arrival in any case- this really changed nothing. He was quite content to just lean back, stare at individual pieces of ceiling dirt, listening to the house contracting, expanding, the pipes hissing, the quiet crooning of some woman he'd never heard before...

Mario mentally backpedaled. What was that last one? Was he hearing things? Listening with all his might, he heard it, quite clearly: "Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars... let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars... In other words, hold my hand... in other words, darling, kiss me..."

It was remarkably indistinct- it sounded like it was coming from downstairs. Abruptly, halfway through the second half, it was cut off, and the sounds of cursing came from yet another female voice, which Mario didn't recognize any more than the first. Loathe though he was at this point to use his powers, lest he cause even more problems for himself with the government, he slipped his hat onto his head nonetheless- there was only one theory buzzing around his mind- burglars were taking the opportunity to rob an unoccupied house.

But... was that really the case? He'd be the first to admit he'd done no real research into the mind of a thief, but to his understanding, they generally went out of their way to be quiet anyways- the less attention drawn, the better. And yet, there was that song again- "Fill my heart with song, and let me sing forevermore... you are all I long for, all I worship and adore! In other words, please be true... in other words, I love you."

"Love of the Wave Existence!" came a growling voice, drawing nearer as he listened. "Stop texting me!"

Another click, and his door swung open. Instinctively, Mario raised his hands, willing to start throwing fire if the need arose. He could see a group of silhouettes in the doorway- a sizable number. "Who are you?" Mario asked suspiciously. "Just a heads-up, you don't know what you're dealing with here!"

A ripple of laughter passed among the group, but the next one to speak sounded dead serious. "Sorry to disappoint you, Mario, but you're not exactly a demonic son of a b****..."

The phrase slammed into Mario like a sack of bricks... made out of lead. _Demonic son of a b****..._ "Mr... Mr. Belmont?"

"Just Simon'll do for now, boy," the voice spoke. "I never really got around to teaching you anything, did I?"

Mario didn't lower his defenses- given his past experiences with people claiming to be Simon Belmont, he thought some scrutiny in the face of this guy was perfectly justified.

Another voice spoke. "It's okay, Mario... we're here to get you out."

Another lead bag to the stomach. "Mr... Mr. _Mccloud?_ "

"Okay, enough of this, I found the light switch!" called yet another voice, and the next second, the lights were on, revealing the group to Mario in earnest. Nearest to the door were the first voices Mario recognized- Simon Belmont and Fox Mccloud. Fox looked even more worn-down than the last time Mario had seen him- which was saying something. Despite this, he had a wide, genuine smile on his face.

Still keeping the 'von Karma incident' in mind, Mario still refused to lower his defenses. "And I can trust you because...?"

Simon smirked. "Boy's mind works the right way, Fox- I'll leave this one to you."

Mario cast around his mind- what was something only Fox would know? "What's your nickname?"

Fox gave the slightest of smiles. "Mr. Hyde, at your service."

"Now ask something from him," Simon urged.

Fox sighed. "Mario... what creature was in my office when Ms. Nakamura delivered that pizza to you?"

"I'm gonna say... gnosis," Mario recalled.

"It's him," Fox confirmed.

"Looks just like I thought he would... if a bit thinner," spoke the smasher who had turned on the lights- an anthropomorphic vixen with light blue fur and a matching suit. "Guess it's true what they say about the cameras adding on the pounds."

"He's the spitting image of Jake Mario," nodded a man standing closer to the back- he was tall, dressed in a strange sort of armor that Mario recognized as a HEV (Hazardous EnVironment) suit- he had black hair that wrapped around his face in a beard and moustache, a pair of thick glasses, and carried a crowbar closely at his side. His voice sounded somehow familiar- it kind of sounded like that one guy who's in every Pixar movie... you know, the pig from Toy Story, the yeti from Monsters Inc., the semi from Cars? Yeah, you know who I'm talking about... he sounded like him.

"But then, there's his eyes," interjected the woman standing next to him- dressed in what appeared to be red martial arts clothes, her brown hair tied back in a long pigtail. "Those are Sarah's eyes, no doubt about it-"

She'd been on the verge of smiling at him, until her phone sounded off again- "Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars-"

The smile slid off her face rapidly, replaced by a look of severe agitation. "Holy Wave Existence, Bayonetta, _stop texting me!_ "

"Didn't you change her alert?" the black-haired man with the crowbar asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah, I did, but it looks like, _somehow,_ she changed it back..."

Fox gave a smile and a roll of his eyes as he turned back to Mario. "So, how are _you_ doing on this fine summer's eve?"

Mario didn't even know how to respond- a full month out here, scavenging for any news whatsoever, and suddenly, here was a large group of smashers in the Smiths' house, apparently to take him away, without any obvious signs of it beforehand.

"You're just lucky the Smiths are out," Mario stuttered.

"Says you!" came a shrill voice, revealing what appeared to be a humanoid mushroom- a short man with a blue vest, shoes, and an apparent spotted mushroom cap upon his head. " _I'm_ the one who sent them that letter- told 'em they'd won a prize for keeping their house so neat- I've got some of my buddies ready to give them the grand prize of a bucket of fungus!" Laughing heartily, he added, "The one time you _don't_ want to trust the fungus..."

"So we're leaving soon?"

"As soon as Bayonetta gives us the all-clear," Fox nodded. "Incidentally, how's that going, Li?"

"No, those last few texts have been more LOLcats," the brown-haired woman shook her head. "I wish I could block her, but _nooooooo_ , we've got to all be able to contact each other at any time!"

"That _is_ a pretty important thing for an organization like ours," Fox noted reasonably.

"Yeah, yeah, y- SON OF A-" she broke into more fury as her phone lit up- "In other words, hold my hand... in other words, darling, kiss me..."

Eager to change the subject at this point, Mario spoke up- "So, where are we going? Ordon Cottage?"

"No, too easily detected- we had to set up our headquarters somewhere a little safer. Took quite a while, too, I'll tell you that much. So, introductions- Simon Belmont..."

Mario was back to not being certain how to react- he'd known Simon Belmont for a year now... or he thought he had. To be introduced to him again like this... it was more than a little jarring.

"And over here, we have Krystal... Krystal Cerinia."

"I'd appreciate it if you could leave that last part out," the anthro vixen shook her head.

"She prefers that people never use her last name," Fox nodded.

"Well, whatd'ya want? It's such a generic name- seriously, it's just the name of the planet my family's from!"

"A problem in many a smasher's life, it would appear," Fox shook his head. "At any rate, over here, we have Gordon Freeman-" the bespectacled man with the crowbar- "-Li Kuugo-" the martial artist, who was still raging over her phone- "-Toad... not sure what his last name is..."

"It's just Toad," shrugged the shrill-voiced mushroom man.

"And over here, we have Lucca Porre-"

"Recognize my genius!"

"-Magnus Heracles-"

"Nice ta meetcha, angel face."

"-and Talon Macdonald."

"I do believe we've met before," spoke a large man with a wraparound moustache, speaking with a southern drawl as he reached out to shake Mario's hand. Mario... get this... didn't know what to say- he thought he _might_ have met some of these people, like, four years ago, but _quite a bit_ had happened in the meantime, leaving him feeling somewhat wrong-footed that they apparently expected him to remember them now.

"Er... Fox? Was this..."

"Really necessary?" Fox guessed, smiling slightly. "No, but there were quite a few volunteers to bail you out of Peach Creek, and Simon said-"

"The more, the better," Simon finished for him. "Can't have too much protection, in times like these..."

"Which is all well and good, but I've got some questions," Mario spoke up. "What's going on- specifically, what's going on with Tab-"

The reaction to him almost speaking that name was astounding. The smile slid off of Fox's face, Li dropped her phone, Magnus his large sword, Toad leapt into Talon's arms, Scooby-Doo style, a crack suddenly appeared along Gordon's glasses, Lucca and Krystal cringed, and Simon hissed, "Shut _up!_ "

"Was it something I said?" Mario raised his eyebrows.

"We're not talking about anything out here- too exposed," Simon growled. "You can ask all the questions you want- once we're safe at headquarters."

"So, you can't tell me that, either," Mario guessed. A general shaking of heads. "Okay- how about you tell me _how_ we're getting there?"

"I think we can accommodate that," Fox nodded. "We'll be using karts- no other way. You don't have your teleportation license, they've got eyes all over the Warp Zone Network, and one needs to get special permission to set up whir-gates, lest they be risking hefty consequences."

"If Fox is to be believed, you're pretty good on a kart- and you've got yourself a Wild Wing," Gordon spoke up, tapping his crowbar to his glasses- rather than breaking them further, it repaired the crack nicely.

"He certainly is," Fox nodded. "The Word on the Wind says last year alone, he was driving circles around a Meta Dragon with it."

"Not half-bad," Magnus concurred with a smirk on his face.

"At any rate, enough hanging around here," Fox interjected. "Mario, you should go and pack up- I'm sure Bayonetta will send us the actual signal soon enough-" even as he spoke, he had to raise his voice to be heard over the crooning of "Fill my heart with song, and let me sing forevermore..." and Li's agonized cries over it- "and we want to be ready when that happens."

"How about I lend a paw?" Krystal spoke up with a smile on her face. Fox paled.

"I... I'm not sure that's the best-"

"Ah, come on, lighten up," Krystal smiled. "It'll be fun!"

Mario shrugged- he honestly didn't care. The rest of the group left, as Krystal stepped into Mario's room.

"Now, this is more like it," she smiled, looking around. "I was just thinking- everything was so clean out there, it was almost like nobody even _lives_ here- I know some people are neat freaks, but I actually _like_ a messy house- to a certain degree. I mean, it just proves that it's inhabited, you know?"

"I... _kind of_ get what you're talking about," Mario nodded. "Alright, time to get started..."

He reached down and began setting his books in his trunk, but Krystal raised a hand and shook her head with a smile. "What, you want to do it the long way? Watch and learn-"

She raised her blaster into the air and fired off a shot. Just like that, the majority of all Mario's possessions flew into his trunk without the need for assistance.

"Hmm... missed a few things," Krystal noted with a hand to her chin. "Ah, well, what do you expect- I only graduated a few years ago."

"Really?" Mario asked, his eyebrows going up again.

"My senior year was _your_ noob year," Krystal smiled. "Graduated right after King Dedede left- the later teachers any good?"

"Fox was... so was the fake Simon, if you take away that she tried to kill me at the end of the year... but Tingle- let's just say you should be glad you left when you did."

"You don't say," Krystal shook her head.

"No, I'm pretty sure I- wasn't your fur blue just a few minutes ago?" Mario interrupted himself.

Krystal observed herself, then broke into laughter upon realizing her fur had turned a bright yellow. "Oh, yeah... that. I'm a shifter, you see- I can change little details of my appearance on command. Kind of like the whole 'human disguise' thing, but taken up to eleven."

"Really?" Mario asked, surprised- he'd never heard of such a thing.

"Oh, yeah- really worked out for me when I was training to be a hunter- said I'd be one of the best for stealth missions."

"Hunter?" Mario asked, now genuinely interested- that was a career choice he'd been contemplating for a while now.

"'Saving people, hunting things- the family business,'" Krystal nodded. "That's our motto. Same for Gordon- which is lucky for me, he gave me a lot of one-on-one practice, probably would have failed some of my tests without him."

"Can you pick up shifter powers _after_ you're born?" Mario asked.

Krystal laughed. "Let me guess- thinking about hiding that scar on occasion?"

"It would be nice," Mario shrugged.

"Yeah, well, sorry to say you might be kind of SOL on that one," Krystal shook her head. "Shifters are born, not made- as far as natural appearance-changing, most smashers are restricted to the whole humanoid-shifting thing. Now- did I hear Gordon say you've got a _Wild Wing?"_

Mario nodded, producing the keys from his bedside table, plunging them into midair and turning them. A moment later, the Wild Wing had appeared, specially decorated to his own specifications, himself at the wheel. Krystal marveled. "I was always really into karts when I was younger," she smiled. "Not that it did me much good- I'm still driving a pipe frame around."

Mario cringed- any kart afficionado knew that the pipe frame was the absolute most common, least special kart in the industry. "I mean, it's not a bad kart," Krystal continued, "but I just never really had the money to spring for anything fancier."

Mario got out of his kart and sent it back into hammerspace before tucking the keys securely in his pocket. "So, that about everything?" Krystal double-checked, looking around.

"Seems like it," Mario nodded.

"Alright- off we go!" Smirking slightly, she added, "Off to Neverland!"

"I'd rather go to the Smash Mansion, to be honest," Mario shrugged, refusing to dignify that one overly much. He lifted up his trunk and began trekking downstairs. His escort was milling around the house, examining everything in interest, while Fox was concluding a letter. "And, that should just about do it," he smiled, dashing off a final period. Seeing Mario approaching, he explained- "Just leaving the Smiths a letter explaining the situation. You know, how they don't have to worry-"

"Neither do you, they won't."

"-how you're in safe hands-"

"Hope you put a trigger warning at the start of that letter."

"-and you'll be back next summer."

"And you should have put a trigger warning at the start of that sentence for me," Mario muttered. "Do I really have to?"

Fox smiled, but didn't answer. Mario was in the middle of shaking his head when he suddenly felt something being pressed into his chest. "Wait, what the-"

Looking, he saw Simon pressing a machine of some sort into the fabric of his clothing. "Stealth camo," he growled. "Maximum stealth for you, boy."

Mario examined his body, only to find... he couldn't. It was still nice and bright in the house, but he was looking right through his hand and into the face of Fox Mccloud. "What-"

"Stealth camo," Simon repeated. "Bends light around you to keep you from sight. Not entirely flawless, of course, but it's not like your invisibility blanket will do the trick."

"Won't people still get suspicious if they see a kart driving itself?" Mario pointed out.

"Details, details," Simon waved aside. "Come on, everyone- out to the front lawn. Nothing else to do but wait for Bayonetta's say-so..."

They all trooped out of the house and onto the lawn, where there were many, many karts parked, waiting for them. "How did you even get these onto the lawn without me noticing?" Mario asked.

"Interesting story, actually," Fox mused. "Y'see, all we had to do was-"

"Fill my heart with song, and let me sing forevermore..."

"For crying out loud," Li muttered, pulling out her phone again. "That had _better_ be the all-clear... and it is!"

"Alright, everyone board your karts!" Simon ordered- they all did so, and Mario summoned up his Wild Wing. "Now, Mario... keep following us. Eyes on Fox- he's taking point. Where he goes, you go. The rest of us will keep a circle around you- and we don't break it, not for any reason, understand?" He briefly broke eye contact with Mario to address the others. "And, of course, we've got backup plans- plan B, plan C, all the way through to plan Z."

"But Simon, I don't _want_ to go all the way to King Neptune's palace!" Krystal objected with a smirk.

"The hell you talking about, girl?" Simon asked, turning to her.

"Never mind, never mind," Krystal shook her head with a light laugh. "Just trying to lighten the mood."

"This is _not_ a time for the mood to be lightened!" Simon barked reproachfully. "I'm starting to think you don't understand the gravity of this situation, Ms. Cerinia!"

The smile slid of Krystal's face. "Do _not_ call me Ms. Cerinia!"

"Personally, I wouldn't mind being called 'Ms. Porre'- just throwing that out there," Lucca shrugged.

"I prefer to be called the Xin Shan Quan Master, myself," Li put in.

"I've always liked the ring of 'Dr. Freeman,'" Gordon threw his hat into the ring.

"Not important!" Simon interrupted before anyone else could call out their preferred titles. "Look, the signal's already been sent out- the die's been cast! Everyone start your engines- we need to be ready for the second signal-"

"You are all I long for, all I worship and adore! In other words, please be true, in other words, I love you!"

"That's the second signal!" Li called out.

"Son of a..." Simon muttered, on the verge of facepalming. "Alright, screw it, everyone take off!"

Mario turned to Fox, watching the proceedings with a light smile on his face. He flashed said smile at Mario one last time before starting up his kart and taking off into the night- the pyromancer hot on his tail, surrounded on all sides by the various other members.

In less then ten seconds, they were out of Peach Creek- they streaked down a long country road and eventually came to a highway. Mario started by thinking that they were lucky nobody else was on it... until he recalled the point where they'd passed some remarkably smasher-esque workmen who'd blocked off both sides.

Looking to his sides, he could see them all circling around him- Lucca, laser gun out and pointing around- the beefy form of Magnus, club out and at the ready- Gordon Freeman had put his crowbar away in favor of what appeared to be a machine gun. In the distance, he could see muggle towns whizzing by- this was the happiest he'd been in a while. Goodbye, Peach Creek, goodbye, Smiths- it was about time he got out of there!

"Next exit!" Simon called. "Keep following the route!"

Another several minutes of driving later, Simon spoke up again. "This whole thing's been going too smoothly- I don't trust it! Maybe we should fall back on plan B!"

"No, no we are _not_ going through the lake because things are going too smoothly!" Krystal shouted back in objected. "There's no sign of anything going wrong- we might as well head right there!"

Mario, of course, had no idea what 'plan B' entailed, but if Krystal spoke the truth, and it involved going through a _lake_... yeah, he'd rather avoid that if possible. Great as it was to be behind the wheel of a kart, it was a very cold night, not helped at all by essentially driving around with the top down.

"Our protection ends here!" Simon called out as they passed by another 'construction site.' "Hook north by northwest!"

Mario glanced around- at some point, they seemed to have stumbled upon Mt. Rushmore- when had that happened? And since when had there been a large cabin behind it?

"Stop breaking reality, Simon!" Lucca shouted. "Me and Crono will have to fix that!"

"Crono and _I,_ young lady!" Gordon called out- apparently, he was a grammar nazi.

"I really don't trust this!" Simon shouted. "We should run back across the highway one or two more times, just to be safe!"

"And I will shoot myself in the head before I do that!" Krystal shouted back. "If you want to go around on a wild goose chase all night, fine, but the rest of us are going to headquarters!"

"We're not far now- Toluca Lake is right over there!" Fox noted. "Keep close, Mario!"

Mario nodded- then remembered he was effectively invisible at the moment. He brought his Wild Wing as close to Fox's kart as he dared, noticing as they began slowing down- they were now going through a rather dreary-looking lakeside resort town.

"And here we... go," Fox nodded as he finally brought his kart to a stop.

"You know, I disagree with the movie on a lot of things," Mario noted as he began warming his body in the hope of melting the ice that was keeping him attached to his seat, "but you can't deny- this scene was awesome."

"True, true," Fox nodded, smiling. "Almost makes up for all the parts of the Department of Mysteries they glossed over."

"Shut _up!_ " came Simon Belmont's hiss. "Spoilers!"

Looking around, Mario's opinion of this location remained largely unchanged- the houses around them were all dirty and grimy- the place seemed like it had once been a great tourist attraction, but had fallen into disrepair at some point, leaving only a large conglomeration of people who wouldn't be there if they could afford to move elsewhere. "Where are we, exactly?"

"Don't worry, Mario- the answers are coming," Fox spoke soothingly.

"Everyone- surround the area, make sure nobody's watching," Simon ordered- the escort nodded and scattered, creating a perimeter around the area. He then turned to Mario, producing a small piece of paper. "My first and last homework assignment as your teacher, Mario- memorize this, it _will_ be on the test."

Mario blinked and examined the paper-

 _The headquarters of the organization known as Philanthropy can be found at 774, Crichton Street, Silent Hill,_ (a burn mark obscured the country's name,) _planet earth._

 _XXXX_

Pretty short chapter this time around- by my standards, at least. As ever, see how many characters you can recognize- there are quite a few of them. Hard saying when we'll be seeing the next chapter- sometime next week, probably. Is it just me, or are these particular notes just me waffling in an effort to fill up a bit more space? Yeah, forget that, I should sign off- until next time, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	4. The House on Silent Hill

Gamer4 in, and realizing just _how_ bipolar the weather around here is- one day, there's ice everywhere, freaking Tropical Freeze going on over here, the next, the sun's out and scalding everyone not wearing SPF 9001. Goes from a tundra to a desert over the course of one night- makes a whole lot of sense. *sigh.* Anyways, enough about that, we've got a chapter to get to!

Disclaimer: Though my eyes could see, I still was a blind man! Though my mind could think, I still was a madman! I hear the voices when I'm dreaming- I can hear them say...

Chapter IV

The House on Silent Hill

"There's an organization called-"

"Yes, there is, boy, and if you intend on ever seeing it, you should shut _up!_ " Simon hissed. "We can talk all you want once we're in, but _not_ before! Now burn that paper! _Burn it, I say!_ _Burn it to the ground!_ "

"Ummm..." Mario glanced uncertainly at Fox.

"Just burn it," Fox pinched the bridge of his snout. "Security reasons, you know..."

Mario shrugged, enclosed his fist, and a second later, curling ashes were coming from between his fingers. "Now, where's this building it was talking about?"

"Think about what it said," Fox answered quietly. "Concentrate..."

Mario ran it through his mind again- _774, Crichton Street, Silent Hill..._

Abruptly, the houses in front of him seemed to leap to the side, accommodating an odd, vacant lot between them. Abruptly, in the center of said lot appeared a strange object resembling a large sprout twisting up from the ground. It grew faster and faster, stretching out, branching off, taking on the appearance and texture of brick, plaster, and mortar, all tangling together to ultimately form an ordinary-looking house labeled _774._

"Za?" Mario made a questioning noise, but Simon shook his head agitatedly. "Inside, quick!"

Mario found his arm taken and his body being led into the building, only having the time to notice a knocker in the shape of an absolutely _furious-_ looking turtle before he was thrust into a pitch-black hallway.

Before his eyes even had the chance to adjust to the gloom of this new building, the first thing that hit him was the smell of the place- foetid, cloying, rotting... all words that fit the bill, though perhaps not quite powerful enough for what was assailing Mario's nostrils at that moment. The second everyone in Mario's escort had crossed the threshold into the building, Simon turned and began locking an obscene number of locks attached to the door.

"Here," came Li Kuugo's voice from nearby. "I'll switch on the lights."

Mario was expecting to be blinded by such light after being in this dark hallway long enough for his eyes to adjust, but not quite- the lights the martial artist flicked on were remarkably dim- not that everything was in silhouette, but it had still been brighter out under the streetlights.

The house was remarkably foreboding, with very little sense of homeliness. Both the building itself and the way the people around him were acting gave the place an ominous feeling, almost... forbidden. It was the kind of house he'd expect Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees to inhabit, not the organization dedicated to finding and stopping Tabuu.

There was the sound of hurried footsteps, and Mario breathed a sigh of relief as another familiar face made itself seen at last- Uli Faron, mother of Link Faron, Mario's closest friend, and almost a surrogate mother to himself. "Mario!" she smiled despite a newfound gauntness around her face. "Wonderful to see you- I'd love to get you fed now, but we're still wrapping up a meeting- afraid dinner will have to wait until we're finished."

"And by 'wrapping it up,' you mean..." Li guessed, looking in the room behind Uli.

"We just started, yeah," came a new voice- the voice of a bespectacled young woman with long black hair- in fact, looking at her, Mario found it difficult to tell where her hair ended and her equally-black clothing began.

Li sighed. "And how did you like the security in my phone, Bayonetta?"

"I think it would be a _wonderful_ idea, Cheshire," the woman smirked, speaking with a British accent.

Li was grinding her teeth. "I told you not to call me Cheshire!"

Bayonetta smirked as she turned and headed back into the room, followed by a still-raging Li ("What, you think this is over?! Come back and face me like a _real_ woman!") and, slowly but steadily, the rest of Mario's escort, ending with Fox. Mario was on the point of following him in when Uli reached out and stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Sorry, Mario, but only people inducted into Philanthropy are allowed in on the meetings. Link and Zelda are upstairs, though- why not go say hi? They've missed you quite a bit, and I'm sure you've missed them."

Mario was not about to even attempt to deny this, so he turned and began heading up the stairs, only for Uli to call gently after him- "Oh, but... try to be quiet on the stairs, okay?"

"Why, is something up?"

"We just... like the peace and quiet around here," Uli shrugged. Mario sensed that there was another explanation, but it was too long to elaborate on now. He nodded and turned back up the stairs, taking care to tread as lightly as possible.

Mario had to blink as he climbed, checking each subsequent room for signs of his friends. The amount of dark paraphernalia in this house was... staggering. Shelves and shelves of books Mario doubted even Zelda would be keen on, including what he was fairly certain was a copy of the _Necronomicon,_ (or, to those familiar with Lovecraft, 'the abhorred Necronomicon of the Mad Arab, Abdul Alhazred'- seriously, read through his stories and take a shot every time he refers to it with that exact wording- liver failure _will_ be imminent), portraits and sketches of extremely dark creatures, from koopas to creepers to things Mario couldn't identify- a rather frightening portrait of a man who appeared to have a large, stone pyramid for a head, dragging an _extremely_ large knife behind him... and all that was _before_ he got to a particular landing lined with what appeared to be taxidermied _yoshi tails,_ cut off and hung up on the wall in ornate glass frames... Holy Wave Existence, whose house _was_ this?

Finally, he opened one door in particular, and was promptly knocked to the ground, his vision obscured by hair of blinding blond. "Oof!" he gasped as he felt his back smack into the ground.

"MARIO!" came an extremely excited-sounding voice. "Link, he's here, he's here, he's _finally_ here! Heard you all pulling in, couldn't wait to see you again- are you okay? What happened with those floows? Are you angry at us? I know I'd be, our letters were about as useful as reading glasses for the blind- and the government! How could they- any idiot could see you were acting in self-defense, I've even studied up, and there's no way they can-"

"Holy Farore, Zelda, let the man breath!" Link called out, pulling her off him with a large grin. He'd grown since Mario had seen him last- he'd always been the taller of the two, but now he was starting to tower over his two friends. "Good to finally see you again- hope those stupid muggles didn't get you down too much-"

There was a caw (or whatever sounds albatrosses make, I obviously didn't do the research), and a flutter of wings, and Mario found a new weight on him to replace Zelda- the sleek form of Parakarry.

"Yeah, he got here a couple days back," Link nodded upon seeing Mario looking at his bird. "Went freaking psycho on us, too- never knew albatrosses could inflict so much pain..."

Mario cringed, recalling the order he'd issued to his albatross- in hindsight, it seemed remarkably rash. "Sorry about that- I just wanted to know what was going on..."

"Ah, don't worry about it," Link waved the apology aside. "A lot of the humor in this story is slapstick anyways- we've dealt with worse. Believe me, though- we _wanted_ to tell you everything, it was driving Zelda up the wall, she was going on and on about isolation and PTSD, and all that not-so-good stuff- before all this stuff happened, she was talking about writing a message to you in code or something."

"Then why didn't you?" Mario asked, struggling to keep a cork in the large bottle of bitterness that had been building up inside him all summer.

"Well, the Master Hand told us not to- he made us swear we wouldn't tell you anything," Zelda spoke softly.

"I still say he was crazy, making you go back to those winnicotts, but he's the boss, you know?" Link rubbed the back of his head uncomfortably. "He says 'jump,' we say, 'how high?' He says 'don't tell Mario anything,' we say... well, honestly, we were always pestering him about why we couldn't, but he's hardly around to begin with, and when he _is_ with us... _dang,_ I never realized how good he is at dodging questions... but he seemed to think it would keep you safe or something..."

"Yeah, really safe, dodging fires in restaurants and getting attacked by floows," Mario resorted to snarking in the hopes of letting off a bit of the steam building up rapidly inside him.

"Well, that's why he had people following you, isn't it?" Link pointed out. "He thought _something_ might happen-"

"Did everyone know I was being followed except me?" Mario asked, furrowing his brow in frustration. "Though I have to admit, they did a really good job- such a good job that I ended up having to fight off two floows single-handedly!"

"The Master Hand flipped when he found out," Zelda cringed at the memory. "We could hear it from upstairs- and then he gave Bayonetta permission to go to town on him, and... well, that's not something you want to hear about."

"Well, they might be angry," Mario shrugged, "but guess who isn't? Me. If he'd leapt in to protect me, I'd still be stuck with the Smiths, foraging for news from the Young flipping Turks!"

Link and Zelda cringed. "That... _that_ desperate?"

"Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a _little,_ " Mario admitted, "but you get the point! Why? Why was the Master Hand so insistent that I know nothing? _Nothing?!_ Why is he so determined that I not hear the _slightest_ bit of information about what's going on?"

There was a clear look on his friends' faces- they'd expected this. Maybe they even thought they deserved it- though the idea didn't make him feel any better.

"We don't know," Link repeated. "Like I said, we tried asking him, but he dodges those questions like a pro- something about the letters falling into the wrong hands-"

"This is the Master Hand we're talking about, he don't need no stinking albatrosses," Mario snarked.

"Well, yes, that's definitely true," Zelda cringed again, "but..."

"What, he didn't want me to know anything?" Mario asked. "He thinks I can't be trusted, or something? That I can't take care of myself?"

"I'd sure _hope_ he doesn't think that, after the last four years," Zelda pointed out.

*"Then why?" Mario asked, the steam building up to the danger zone- he could hear the teapot whistle he usually associated with Link coming from himself. "Why- why did I have to stay at the Smiths while you two got to stand in on everything that was going on here?"

"We honestly don't know much more than you do," Zelda shook her head.

Mario waved his hand dismissively. "You've still been here, though, haven't you? You've been allowed into the group-"

"Mario..." Zelda interrupted, looking like she was bracing herself for a storm. "We..."

"We weren't actually allowed in on any of the meetings," Link continued. "Mom kept saying we're too young."

Mario flinched back as though he was being punched in the stomach. Slowly, he reached a trembling hand up to his face as though he was removing an invisible pair of glasses. "Anyone... who thought that keeping me in the dark all this time... was a _good_ idea... leave the room now."

"Who are you talking to?" Link asked nervously, but Mario raised his hand for silence, turning and apparently watching a series of invisible people file out the door. He then crossed to it and shut it gently. Slowly, he turned back to them, and, heedless of the author's desire to prolong the inevitable, burst like a time bomb.

"BIG, FAT, WAVE-EXISTENCE-LOVING DEAL! YOU WEREN'T IN ANY OF THE FREAKING MEETINGS! CRY ME A FREAKING RIVER, WHY DON'T YOU?! AT LEAST YOU'VE BEEN HERE- AT LEAST YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER! ME, I'VE BEEN STUCK AT THAT MISERABLE DUNG HEAP MASQUERADING AS A HOUSE WITH THOSE MISERABLE FLOOWS MASQUERADING AS HUMAN BEINGS FOR A SOLID _MONTH!_ I'M NOT ASKING FOR A MEDAL OR ANYTHING, BUT AM I _NOT_ THE ONE WHO KEPT MEWTWO'S GRIMY HANDS OFF THE HYLIAN STONE?! AM I _NOT_ THE ONE WHO KILLED THE GIGA KOOPA AND DESTROYED THE MEMORY OF GEORGE LOCKE?! AM I _NOT_ THE ONE WHO WENT THROUGH FLOOWS, META DRAGONS, ZORAS, ULTIMATE CHIMAERAS, AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER CRUD?!"

XXXX

"True, but the point I'm trying to make is-" Gordon started addressing the group assembled around him, only to look up as a vague shouting met his ears. "What is that?"

XXXX

Peach was reading in her room when she heard shouting going on below. Heading out to the landing, she found Kirby and Meta Knight listening in as well. Recognizing the voice and the words, she couldn't help but allow a tear to form in her eye.

XXXX

Vanessa Paisley was on the point of dialing Jack's number to ask about the kitchen floor when a shouting met her ears, coming from the distant north of Los Juicio. "What the hell...?" she asked, glancing out the apartment's window.

XXXX

"Ah... phone lines are down," Shinji Ikari muttered as he hung up the phone and turned to gaze around the post-second-impact world. Abruptly, a loud, yelling voice met his ears, very faintly, almost as though penetrating the barrier of time itself. Gazing around, he wondered out loud, "Daddy?"

XXXX

In another dimension, Luigi looked up from his bed in Frankly's Pizzeria. He'd just been wondering when the next chapter of his story would be posted when a strange shouting met his ears. "That voice sounds so familiar... but who...?"**

XXXX

Mario couldn't help it- the cork had popped off, and every dark and bitter thought he'd had over the past month was gushing out, all at once. He couldn't have stopped himself even if he'd wanted to. "AM I NOT THE ONE WHO HAD TO WATCH DONKEY KONG DIE?! AM I NOT THE ONE WHO HAD TO FIGHT TABUU SINGLE-HANDEDLY AFTER WATCHING THAT RITUAL HE DID TO BRING HIM BACK?! AM I FREAKING NOT?!"

Link looked heavily taken aback, while Zelda seemed to be on the verge of tears, but neither was speaking, allowing Mario to plow right on ahead. "BUT OF COURSE, I DON'T EVEN GET AN _AFTERTHOUGHT_ IN YOUR HEADS! I DON'T NEED TO BE TOLD JACK DIDDLY _SQUAT!"_

Link finally spoke up, speaking quickly as though determined to get it all out before Mario continued raging. "Mario, we wanted to tell you everything we found out- we _wanted_ to tell you, we honestly did, but-"

"'BUT' NOTHING!" Mario continued raging. "IF YOU'D REALLY WANTED TO GET A MESSAGE TO ME, YOU COULD HAVE FOUND A WAY, BUT OF COURSE, THE MASTER HAND IS THE BE-ALL END-ALL OF FREAKING _EVERYTHING-_ "

"Well, honestly, he kind of _is_ ," Zelda noted, only to cringe as Mario continued raving.

"A WHOLE MONTH, I'M STUCK THERE, IN _PEACH FREAKING CREEK,_ HEARING ABSOLUTELY _NOTHING_ ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON! ALL THAT SMEG AT THE END OF LAST YEAR, THEN SO LONG, GOODBYE, WE WON'T DROP YOU SO MUCH AS A _HINT_ ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON FOR A FREAKING _MONTH!_ " As he said this last, he made a motion as though he were throwing something to the ground.

XXXX

Kirby and Meta looked up to see Peach crying. "It's alright," they smirked as they leapt to her side. "We just need to pour some water over that fire..."

XXXX

Mario sat down on the bed. "All that... everything we've been through... and you guys just bend me over and FIND ME IN THE ALPS!" Taking multiple deep breaths, he tried to steady himself. "It was a tad aggravating, that's all I'm saying. That's all I'm really trying to say, that's all I'm driving at, really, if you think about it. That's all. That's... all."*

A ringing silence fell. Mario was breathing deeply- that was more white-hot furious than he'd been... ever. Seriously, he could never recall being that furious before, even with Aunt Megan- though he'd at least refrained from blowing anyone up this time.

Zelda spoke gently. "Mario... we really are... sorry. You're right- it was thoughtless... cruel... if it had been me, I'd probably be shouting too..."

Mario kept up with the deep breathing until his heart rate finally returned to normal. He had more important things to be doing than raging right now- like finally getting some answers. "Okay, you want to make amends?" Both his friends nodded fervently. "Alright, easy fix- tell me everything. To begin with- where are we?"

"This is the headquarters of Philanthropy," Link answered immediately.

"And Philanthropy is...?"

"A secret, grassrootsorganization dedicated to finding and eliminating the Great Darkness," Zelda answered this time around, sounding like a sentient encyclopedia.

"And who's in it?"

"It's a fairly sizable movement," Link mused. "We've met plenty in person, and there are probably more..."

"And what about Tabuu?" Mario asked, finally getting to the point that had been eating at him all summer. He had no time to spare for Link and Zelda flinching at that name- he needed answers. "Where is he? What's he doing? What are _we_ doing? I want the who, the what, the where, the when, the why, and the how- actually, forget the who, I think we've got that all established."

"That was a mouthful," Zelda couldn't help pointing out, only to backpedal rapidly when she noticed Mario's glare. "Well, we don't know as much as we could- like we said, they don't let us in on the meetings- that said!" she added quickly at the sight of the anger on Mario's face. "That said- Kirby and Meta have helped us figure out quite a bit that they've been talking about."

"How so?"

"Bugs," Link shrugged. Under Mario's questioning stare, he amended- "They invented actual bugs- you know, like hidden microphones, except they're soup cans- you know what they're like. Went ahead and stuck those suckers inside the cupboards in the meeting hall- i.e., dining room- and we listened in on their conversations. Until Bayonetta found one, one thing led to another, and Mom got involved, which... I really don't want to talk about..." Mario couldn't help but notice both Link and Zelda rubbing their rear ends as the apparent memory came to mind. "They all have different jobs- some of them are keeping an eye on known starmen."

"Some are on recruitment duty- getting the word out, which is a pretty dangerous job in itself, given what the _Tribune's_ doing," Zelda added. Mario was on the point of asking for clarification when Link picked up the torch.

"But from the sound of it, the most important duty is guard duty- though we never worked out what, exactly, they're guarding."

"Me, perchance?"

"Nah, we thought of that," Link shook his head. "But then there was that meeting where they mentioned guarding you and guarding... whatever else as two separate things."

Mario raised his hands to his face, finally resting his head on the webbing between forefinger and thumb. "So... you haven't been involved with the meetings. Then what's the work you were talking about in those letters?"

"Oh, that," Zelda gazed down at the floor. "Yeah, about that..."

"Cleaning the house," Link explained. "We've been cleaning almost nonstop since we got here- I mean, look at the place."

"And you couldn't say that in your letters?"

"Well, we thought, without context, that- WHAT THE SMEG?!"

Link leapt back as a pair of star-shaped objects appeared in midair and crashed into their beds, producing from within two smiling pink puffballs.

"Hello, Mario!" Kirby began his greeting. "We thought we heard the gentle, quiet cries of a pyro in distress down here!"

"Mario, don't you know that it's unhealthy to keep your emotions in a bottle like that? Haven't you ever seen _Evangelion?_ " Meta stepped in. "You need to let it all out, man, or a giant naked Peach is gonna destroy the whole world!"

"Hey, if you need a shoulder to cry on, we're here for you, brah," Kirby smiled, nuzzling up against Mario's shoulder.

"Get off me," Mario sighed, shoving the puffball away roughly- he landed on the ground and bounced up onto his brother's head. "So, it looks like a certain pair of marshmallows got their teleportation licenses."

"Dang skippy!" Meta nodded brightly. "Of course, there _was_ that incident where Kirby turned yellow and appeared in the middle of that arcade. They managed to convince everyone he was a Pac-Man cosplayer, but people are still starting up those _Polybius_ conspiracy theories again."

"They haven't used the halls hardly at all since they got those licenses," Link muttered darkly.

"Hallways are for squares," Kirby brushed him aside.

"Like pants!" Meta added as an afterthought. "Anyways, we just wanted to see if you'd quiet down a bit- interfering with our master plan, you know?" Here, he brandished what appeared to be an empty can of Campbell's chicken noodle soup. "How're we supposed to listen in on the meeting with all the noise down here, youngns?"

"Seriously?" Link asked dubiously. "After what happened last time?"

"Better to live for an hour as a tiger than a lifetime as a worm!" Kirby answered brightly. "Besides, from the looks of things, there's serious business going on today!"

A click, and the door behind them opened, revealing Peach on the other side. "Oh, Mario," she greeted him. "Thought... thought I heard you. Kirby, Meta- might as well not bother with the soup cans- they've started sweeping for them before all the meetings."

"Ah, they always swept for bugs before," Meta brushed aside.

"Yeah, but now they're specifically looking for any out-of-place soup cans, too," Peach shook her head.

Kirby slumped slightly. "Why didn't _we_ hear about this?"

"Probably because Mom didn't want you to start trying to out-predict her," Peach shrugged. "I saw them tossing out a bunch of empty ones earlier- Simba started going through them, trying to find any last morsels."

"Hmmm... I _did_ wonder why were getting nothing but static," Meta muttered. "And just when things were getting interesting- always is when old Wolf O'Donnell comes to call."

"Wait, _Wolf?"_ Mario spoke up. " _Wolf_ is with Philanthropy?"

"Yeah, the little winnicott comes in, gives a quick report, and then back out into whatever fray the Master Hand has him diving into," Kirby nodded.

"You shouldn't call him a winnicott- he's on our side!" Zelda objected.

"Good guy, bad guy, anything in between- he's still a winnicott," Meta shook his head.

"And, of course, Linebeck and Midna don't like him either," Peach agreed.

"And those two are the be-all, end-all of who does or doesn't deserve to be in Philanthropy?"

Before Peach could answer, Mario spoke up again- "Linebeck and Midna are involved, too?"

"Well, more Midna than Linebeck," Kirby admitted. "Linebeck is out over the oceans blue, trying to get as many foreigners into the fold as he can. Midna, though- she's come back home, took a job with the government involving boss legislation- you know, drawing up laws about bosses. Much more boring, but that's not to say there are no benefits..."

Mario glanced around in confusion at the smirk being exchanged around the room. "And whatd'ya mean by that?"

"Well, you remember Solid Snake, right?" Meta gave a shifty, mischievous smile. "He's started studying bosses, too, and who better than one of the best boss wranglers in the business to show him all the ropes?"

"And what about Rob? Can we expect to see him around?" Mario asked.

As one, the smiles slid off of every face in the room, replaced with a shadow over their eyes. Link was the first to speak- "Pro-tip, Mario... don't talk about him around here. Mom'll break down crying, Dad'll break whatever's in his hands."

"That was... awful," Peach shook her head, speaking very softly.

"He's out of here- and probably not coming back," Kirby muttered, looking uncharacteristically serious.

"Wh-what happened?" Mario asked, taken aback.

"A fight- a family feud between Dad and Rob," Meta began heavily. "Before this, I'd seen Dad angry precisely one time- he's usually a really easygoing guy, but that night... that night..."

"It was just a few days after we got back home," Link recalled. "We were all packing up to come over here for Philanthropy, when Rob comes in, turned up his pride knobs, and told us he'd been promoted."

"Really?" Mario raised his eyebrows- last he'd heard, Rob the robot had been in particularly hot water with the Government for which he worked- his failure to report the disappearance of his superior, Manfred von Karma, had had some very serious consequences for everyone, and while the Government hadn't believed the truth (that von Karma was kidnapped by Tabuu,) they still believed that Rob had failed to recognize the old man's slow descent into madness. Why, then, the hasty promotion?

"Yup- threw all of us for a loop, too," Kirby nodded. "They really put his robotic butt through the fire for what happened with Manny..."

"But then, one day," Link continued his story, "he comes home, bouncing around like someone pumped him full of helium. One year out of school- just one year- and he's been promoted to President Ryan's personal council. As you can imagine, for someone who only graduated a year ago, that's... that's pretty good. But Dad... he didn't quite meet Rob's expectations..."

"How so?"

Meta took a deep breath. "Dad wasn't particularly impressed by it- you see, Andrew Ryan's getting pretty paranoid about the Master Hand ever since the Games. He's kind of started this witch hunt in the government, hunting down and browbeating anyone he thinks has contact with the Master Hand."

Kirby nodded grimly. "And Dad already had... not the best reputation with Mr. Ryan... he always thought Dad wasn't a true smasher, because of how interested he is in muggle culture..."

"And Rob?"

"Keep your overalls on," Link raised his hands. "Look, it was Dad's theory- and I honestly think he's on to something- that Rob got promoted so quickly so Andrew Ryan could spy on someone he thinks is in league with the Master Hand."

Mario lowered his hands into his face. "And Rob reacted...?"

"By flipping his smeg," Link shook his head. "You think your freakout here was bad? It was _nothing_ compared to that- he was coming up with all sorts of terrible things and throwing them out- he wanted to hurt Dad as bad as he could. Stuff about how he's always had to struggle against Dad's lousy reputation, how Dad is committing a crime of cultural appropriation of the muggles... and if Dad would put that on the shelf, maybe we'd... maybe we'd have a little more money..."

"He said _what?!_ " Mario asked, now genuinely outraged- an outrage he saw mirrored on Peach's face. Of the Farons, Rob had always been his least favorite, but never had he imagined the robot standing so clearly out of line.

"And then, if you can believe it, it got worse," Link sighed. "He said the Master Hand was going down- just like the Titanic. If Dad wanted to stay on board and get dragged down, he was welcome to it, but he was taking a lifeboat while he could."

"More like a rat abandoning ship," Kirby hissed.

"As far as Rob's concerned, he's not a Faron anymore," Link shook his head. "He's gone now- living in Fourside, where the Government headquarters is. Mom and Dad didn't take it well- Mom's tried to talk to him a few times, but she might as well be talking to an AFOSB- she gets just as much reasonable response. As far as Dad goes..."

"But what about Tabuu?" Mario interjected. "He's got to know- doesn't he trust his parents to not get into something like this unless they were certain?"

"Well, your name _did_ come up, as a matter of fact," Link started to speak quietly. "He said the only evidence we had was your word, and... well... let's just say he's a staunch supporter of the Fourside Tribune."

"What does the Tribune have to do with this?" Mario asked confusedly.

A cold front washed over the room. "Didn't you say you'd be getting it on the way back home?" Zelda asked tentatively.

"Well, yeah, and I have," Mario nodded.

"And have you been reading it?"

"I glance at the headlines- if there's nothing about Tabuu, it's no good to me," Mario shrugged.

"Well, you'd need to read it a little more thoroughly if you wanted to actually pick up on it, but... they bring you up every now and again, once, typically twice a week," Zelda was on the point of cringing again.

"Wouldn't I have seen-"

"No, no you wouldn't," Zelda shook her head. "We're not talking big articles, here, no big headliners- just a quiet, little smear campaign. A slight here, a one-to-two panel comic there... Kind of picking up where Glados left off."

"Isn't she... on a sabbatical?" Mario asked, recalling the final chapter of the previous story.

"Oh, yeah, she hasn't written anything since then- lest she be tarnished by her own brush," Zelda gave a sadistic smirk. "She's not making it happen anymore... but it probably wouldn't be happening without her."

"And what is _it?_ " Mario asked. "Enough beating around the bush!"

"They're writing about you like you're the next Tingle Limpah, okay?" Link burst out. "This big ol' attention whore who thinks the world owes him everything because of what happened when you were a baby. If some tabloid-style story appears, they'll mention, 'Who does this guy think he is, Mario Mario?' They'll compare someone to you unfavorably, like 'This guy is _almost_ as delusional as Mario Mario,' or there'll be those comics- panel 1, there's a stick figure of you running up to someone else, crying, 'The Great Darkness is back!' Panel 2, they respond, 'But didn't he die, like, fifteen years ago?' and then you go, 'Well, yeah, but now he's back, guys, seriously, and I'm the only one who can save you, you have to believe me!' Panel 3, they say, 'Yeah, we've got to go now,' and as they're walking away, they say, 'What a lunatic- he's just out of his mind,' and fist-bump each other like they just told the funniest joke in the world."

"What," Mario couldn't help saying, his brow beginning to knit.

"It's a terrible thing," Zelda agreed. "And it's so _obvious_ what they're doing- they're trying to turn you into a joke, to stop anyone from believing what you're saying about the Great Darkness! If you're just the butt of jokes, nobody has to take you seriously or offer any sort of arguments against what you say- it'll be cool to just say, 'oh, you're Mario Mario, your opinion is invalid!"

"Where are these people from, Tumblr?" Mario asked scathingly, fingering his 'hypocritical humor' badge. "But for crying out loud, haven't they looked at the facts? Do they really think I'd want Tabuu to do what he did to me, just to earn some fame down the line?!"

"We're on your side, Mario, believe me," Peach nodded, laying a hand comfortingly on his shoulder.

"They haven't even reported on the floows yet," Zelda muttered. "You'd think they would have, but if you want my opinion, they're waiting for a Guilty verdict before they really go to town- though, unless you're in one of the most biased kangaroo courts in the world, there's not any case against you at all."

Another silence fell, eventually broken by footsteps outside. "Ah, crud," Kirby muttered.

"We were never here," Meta spoke quickly as he and his brother stood together- a second later, a pair of stars had appeared and whisked them away.

The door opened up, and Uli Faron appeared there. "Dinnertime!" she greeted them jovially. "It'll be great to finally have you here, finally."

She smiled and turned back out of the door, Peach not long behind her. Mario turned to his friends, and the last of the fire within him was doused when he saw them flinch. "I'm calm," he assured them. "It was... it was just frustrating, you know?"

"We deserved it," Link waved him aside. "We really did, we don't blame you. Besides, I have it on good authority that I can be something of an assbutt..."

Mario couldn't help but crack a smile at that. "Come on, let's head down- I'm starving."

As they headed down, Mario wondered out loud- "So, Wolf's here?"

"He should be gone by the time we get down there," Link shook his head. "He never stays for too long- thank the Wave Existence."

"Voices down in the hall," Zelda whispered.

They were finally on the ground floor and making for the dining room, Uli beckoning them in eagerly, when the door crashed open and two figures came out, knocking the Faron mother to the ground.

"You are going to stop texting me, and that's final!"

"And who's going to _make_ me, Cheshire?"

Sure enough, it was Li Kuggo and Bayonetta, fighting furiously, fist-to-fist- well, Li looked furious, Bayonetta looked more like she was enjoying herself. "Do _not_ call me Cheshire!" Li shouted as she aimed a kick between Bayonetta's eyes- but the blink of an eye later, and Bayonetta was suddenly on the opposite end of the room, watching with amusement as Li's foot passed through thin air and slammed into a set of curtains just beneath the stairs. As she did, they suddenly swung wide open, revealing what lay beneath.

Mario flinched at first, thinking the curtains had revealed a window behind which sat the Grudge, glaring in, but then he realized it was simply a painting- a horribly vivid, lifelike painting depicting a woman looking almost as haggard as the Grudge, yelling and shouting at everyone within view of the oils.

A second later, Fox was out and working together with Uli, attempting to force the curtains back down- not much luck there.

The woman behind it would be pretty- if not for her obvious wild insanity. She wore a black dress that left little to the imagination, and had well-kept blue hair that came down her back, but on her face was a look of pure rage. "YOU MISERABLE, LOATHSOME PIECES OF FILTH! HOW DARE YOU INTRUDE UPON THE REALM OF MY FOREFATHERS-"

"Dangit, you two, look what you did!" Fox called out, glaring in Li and Bayonetta's direction- only to realize that they'd both skulked back into the dining room a while back. Meanwhile, from the dining room came a blaze of red and blue, grabbing the curtains on Fox's side and beginning to pull.

"Why not shut the smeg up, you pathetic waste of oils?!" the newcomer struggled to make his voice heard.

A momentary silence fell as the woman gazed at him, before kicking it up even more than before- "YOU... YOU... YOU _TRAITOR!_ YOU ABOMINATION, YOU CREATURE OF THE NETHERWORLD! HOW COULD I PRODUCE SUCH A FILTHY THING WITH MY OWN-"

"Hard telling, maybe you could ask the doctor- if you hadn't killed her!" the man snarled, finally giving the final tug to bring those curtains down. The instant they were, a ringing silence fell- we're having a lot of those this time around. The man, breathing deeply, turned to flash a smile at Mario, who, at long last, smiled back at his godfather, Roy Alluvia. "Not the most normal family in the world, but what ya gonna do, right, Mario?"

 _XXXX_

*I know I said I'd ease up on Mario a bit in regards to the angst, but this was kind of unavoidable, so I thought I'd lighten things up a bit by modeling this scene after a meme that was pretty popular a few years back- props to anyone who can guess it! Also,

**Sorry, I couldn't resist. Quick shout-out to Spidershadow's _Incredible Kong-_ still waiting for an update on that one.

Alright, wrapping things up here. Before we end off, a few quick questions, starting with a couple from... Spidershadow!

Q: Who in their right mind sets up headquarters in Silent Hill? A: Nobody. The Master Hand _isn't_ in his right mind.

Q: Is there a reason behind Crichton Street? A: I recalled it being a street name from Silent Hill, and included it here- and yes, it _was_ because of my fondness for Crichton's work, primarily Jurassic Park.

We also have a question from someone else- well, more of a request. Y'see, ever since early last story, more or less in response to the running gag that nobody ever outright confirms what country this series takes place in, this idea seems to be going around that it's Poland. Honestly, the whole point of the gag is that there really _is_ no set country that this series takes place in- if there was, it would ruin the gag. I guess, if one absolutely _had_ to pin a country on it, then most of the telltale clues in the series, (slang, speaking styles, the few landmarks I _have_ named,) would actually point to _America,_ (blame that one on me being American- write what you know, and all that,) but at the end of the day, I don't write this series with any one country in mind- it's supposed to be the kind of story that could be anywhere- and thus, the absurd, exaggerated lengths the universe itself goes to to conceal the true location. It's not terribly important, but it was something I felt I should address.

At any rate, we've had some long endnotes this time around, and I've got stuff to do tomorrow- hopefully, Gandora will be coming back soon. Hate to say it, but I wouldn't put too much hope in for another chapter this week, but I'll definitely do my best- one of the things I've been looking forward to most is the revelation of Luna Lovegood, which has six chapters to go yet! Anyways, see you all next time, until then, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	5. Philanthropy

Gamer4 in. Well, I've got nothing really important to say this time around, so how about a quick anecdote instead? The thing is, I'm guessing most of you think that the way Mario is portrayed in this series (the sarcastic straight-man snarker) is something I came up with for these stories- but actually, no, it isn't! Way back in the days of yore, when I was just a wee kindergartner, my very first video game _ever_ was Super Mario World, which I played the snot out of- it blew my mind on epic proportions you wouldn't even believe, and still holds a special place in my heart today. Eventually, after several months of gameplay, I finally found my way through the accursed Forest of Illusion and, ultimately, to Wendy's Castle- for those of you who haven't played the game, or at least that far, or are lucky enough to have blocked it from your memories, that level involves dodging many, many, _many_ sawblades. At one point, there's little choice but to duck under it, and watch as it scrapes against Mario's head anyways. My kindergarten-addled mind went into overdrive, imagining that the saw had sliced up his hat- and from there, I came up with the somewhat amusing image of him having a dry, unamused, 'Ah, great, that's the third hat this week' reaction to it. From that day on... that became Mario's personality to me. No matter how often I saw that wide smile in games, how many other alternate character interpretations I heard from various corners of the internet, or whatever, to me, Mario was always that straight man who got through his adventures by snarking everything out. Over the years, it's something that's become so ingrained in my mind that I simply can't see him any other way- the Mario you see in this series is Mario as I always saw him. So, after that long anecdote, let's get to the next chapter! There's story-telling to be done!

Disclaimer: Carry on, my wayward son! There'll be peace when you are done! Lay your weary head to rest... don't you cry no more!

Chapter V

Philanthropy

"Your family?" Mario couldn't help asking, eyes wide.

"My mommy, to be specific," Roy nodded. "Not the best mommy who ever lived- the hag known to the world primarily as Sonia Reed."

"Sonia-"

"Reed, yes," Roy nodded, clearly already understanding his confusion. "Not Sonia Alluvia- Tabuu isn't the only one who can change his name after leaving his family."

"Your family... you mean..."

"Yup," Roy nodded heavily. "This musty old armpit of a house used to belong to my beloved parents- since everyone else in the line is dead, it's kind of mine by default. It's so out-of-the-way that the Master Hand thought it would make perfect headquarters- who would think to find us here? So far, that's been about the sum of my contribution to this little movement..."

Mario blinked- he didn't usually think of Roy as a bitter man, but there was definitely a none-too-subtle trace of bitterness in his voice as he spoke those words- if he had to guess, Roy wasn't exactly overjoyed with the old hand right now either.

Noticing his godson's hardened face, Roy blinked, shook his head, and forced a smile. "But what are we standing around here for? Sup, sup, suppertime, sup, sup, suppertime!"

He took up a singsong voice and led a procession of smashers into the dining room.

Despite the clear effort to brighten things up, the dining room was still hopelessly gloomy- even the chandelier, in the shape of a giant koopa shell, did little to bring light to the room. The only real source of light was the fireplace at the end of the hall. Mario choked as he entered the room, smelling a foul, acrid scent. "What is that ungodly smell?"

Roy turned to the middle of the table, where a huddle of sky-blue robes was twitching. "KAMEK!" he barked, causing it to sit bolt upright and reveal the anthro turtle, panicking as he hastened to stash something into his pockets. "What did I say about the highmore caviar at the dinner table?!"

"Not to do it?" Kamek cringed.

"Exactly- as long as you're here at my house, you operate under my rules, got it? Or should I set Bayonetta on you again?"

Mario glanced around to see the woman with black hair perking up, a sadistic smile gracing her face as her eyes sought out the magical anthro- who responded by gulping and slowly inching his way under the table.

With him out of the way, Mario turned his attention to Rusl, the father of the Faron children, and Midna, his oldest daughter, with fiery red hair falling down her back in a ponytail. Rusl smiled warmly as he noticed Mario standing there. "Ah, Mario- great to see you!"

Midna smirked. "Definitely- we all had a bet on when you'd turn up. Dad was betting you wouldn't be here 'til next week- thought Simon would try to drive you around the equator first."

"You only lost narrowly, Rusl," Krystal muttered. "He would have, if Fox and I had allowed it. Still, I guess you have to pay up to Midna now."

"Not quite," Midna shook her head with a smirk.

"None of us were optimistic enough to think you'd get here tonight," Bayonetta elaborated. "The nearest guess was the day after tomorrow."

Mario shook his head and took a seat- noticing several papers in front of him. He tried to examine them closer- it seemed to be a map of some kind, though it was incomprehensible to him- a tangle of spiderwebbing zigzags with little rhyme or reason, headed by three letters: SCP.

Uli noticed his examination, and quickly came over to sweep the documents away. "Maybe we should clean these things up _before_ concluding our meetings, hm?"

"Ah, give 'em here," Midna offered, extending a hand. Uli dumped the papers into said hand, where they proceeded to disintegrate into black squares that disappeared into thin air.

Roy promptly took a seat next to Mario, patting him on the back. "I'd like to catch up with you, but first, let's get to work on some trolling, shall we?" He turned to Uli. "Can we get some mac and cheese over here?"

"We're having shepherd's pie tonight, and you will like it," Uli shut him down instantly.

As Roy turned to pout at the table, Mario glanced to the side- and promptly had a heart attack as he saw Kamek resurfacing only a few inches away. "HOLY... WAVE EXISTENCE! DON'T... DON'T _DO_ THAT!"

"Sorry!" Kamek backed up quickly. "Sorry, I just... I just figured I owed you an apology! Ducking out on you during my shift, and all that! You don't have to worry, Bayonetta got on me well enough over that..."

"And who exactly _is_ Bayonetta?" Mario asked, glancing over at her.

"Former Umbran witch and current head of discipline here at Philanthropy," Bayonetta flashed a mischievous smile in his direction. "Did I happen to hear your voice earlier?"

"Er..."

"Well, keep it down from now on, okay? There are two things in this world I simply cannot tolerate- cockroaches and crying children." Suddenly looking contemplative, she added, "Well, I suppose a crying baby cockroach would be absolutely intolerable... but the point is, you do _not_ want to find yourself on my... list."

"How bad are we talking?"

"You remember that movie, Krampus?"

"Yeah..."

"He was begging for me to take his job by the time I was through with him."

Mario made an indistinct noise in the back of his throat before turning back to Kamek.

"So, how's old man Jenkins doing?" Kamek asked.

"I haven't seen him since that night," Mario shook his head. "I was kind of... isolated."

"Look, you know I wouldn't have left if I didn't have a good reason, don't you?" Kamek continued, sounding almost pleading. "You believe that, right? I know it was important, but this opportunity arose, y'see, and-"

Mario, who was already bored, found something much more worth his time when he felt a sudden weight on his lap, and looked down to see Simba the Meowth circling around it, nuzzling up to his stomach and generally bidding for attention. Given that the only other immediately obvious thing to do was listen to Kamek's waffling, Mario was happy to oblige.

That is, until Roy finally finished his pouting session and turned back to his godson. "So, how goes thine summer, son?"

"I've had better," Mario shrugged. "Not that I ever really cared for this season, but..."

"Yeah, well, what ya gonna do?" Roy shrugged right back. "Hey, at least you got to break things up with those floows, huh?"

Mario blinked- this is the first time he'd ever heard someone refer to an encounter with floows as being remotely a good thing. He threw a questioning look at his godfather, who responded with a barklike laugh. "Oh, yeah, I've been holed up here the whole time- the old Hand doesn't want me breaking my cover, so, strict house arrest for me. I thought I might be able to get out there as a wolf, but... well, Mumkhar will have already told Tabuu all about that, and any spies of his in the government will have passed it along to them, so..."

He'd cooled down quite a bit, but he still offered the same rebuttal he had to Link and Zelda: "Well, at least you've been able to hear what's going on."

"Through the lines of Wolf's condescending reports, that crud-eating grin, and snide hints that I'm enjoying myself taking care of the home front, yeah," Roy half-conceded. "Acting like I'm doing nothing here, when I arguably have the more dangerous job."

"What's his job?"

"Spying on Tabuu for the Master Hand. I, meanwhile, have become intimately involved in the greatest undertaking of the modern age- cleaning out this dungheap of a house. The only person who's lived here since my witch of a mother died- no offense, Bayonetta- is that old yoshi of theirs, and he... he's gone a bit... peculiar."

"DOOOOOOOOOOOODGE!" came a sudden cry from nearby, and Mario felt himself being slammed into, knocked forcibly to the ground. Looking up, he saw a series of knives and pots carrying boiling-hot soup flying overhead- had he remained where he was, he'd have been skewered, shishkebobbed, and boiled alive, all at once. Looking up at his savior, he saw Bayonetta leaning on top of him.

"Thanks," he muttered gruffly- he was still getting his wind back.

"Glad to help, little one," she smirked. "I do quite a bit of dodging myself. If you can't think of a way to repay me, I might-"

"Not now, Bayonetta," came a derisive-sounding voice nearby, as Li Kuugo lifted her off of the young pyromancer, a scowl on her face. "And, preferably, not ever again."

Mario rose to his feet and spied Kirby and Meta at the other end of the chamber, cringing under their mother as she shouted them down. "WHY?!" she was yelling. "I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE LEGALLY ADULTS NOW, BUT THAT _STILL_ DOESN'T MEAN YOUR POWERS SHOULD BE THE DEFAULT ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!"

"Just trying to speed things up a bit," Kirby rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry, Mario... Roy..."

Roy, however, couldn't stop himself from laughing. With him out of the way, it fell to Rusl to be the adult. "Your mother's right, boys- you've been given great power, true, but with great power comes great responsibility."

"Ah, you're just ripping off old Uncle Ben," the twins waved aside.

"And just because it was said in a movie makes it any less valid?!" Uli barked. "Never- never before or after have we had this much trouble- not with Midna, or Linebeck, or Peach, or Rob-"

Mario could almost hear the record-needle scratch as all sound in the dining room suddenly ceased, the smiles on everyone's faces vanishing in an instant. The mere mention of the robot's name seemed to be enough to bring a dark cloud over the dinner table.

Finally, Fox broke the remarkably uncomfortable silence by calling out, "Oh, you didn't tell us you were making ham soup, too, Uli! Nice touch, very nice touch!"

Slowly, the gears started turning and everything began to return to normal. Uli forcefully shook her head and turned to Roy. "Is Simon still here, Roy?"

"Nah, he took off as soon as we called it," Roy shook his head. "Why?"

"There's something in that old chest up there- Rusl and I talked, and we agreed it's probably a Tane-Tane, but given the... _state_ of this place's former owners, we want to make sure before we go doing anything rash."

"Fair enough," Roy nodded. "I'll keep an eye out for our dear vampire-hunter- let him know next time he comes in."

"And while we're at it, we've got a load of keese living in the same room- might as well make them tomorrow's objective."

"Sounds good," Roy shrugged indifferently.

Krystal, meanwhile, was entertaining Peach and Zelda by abusing her shapeshifting abilities to hell and back, taking on the appearances of people such as, but definitely not limited to, Mr. Clean, the Dairy Queen, the Burger King, (set to a rousing chorus of 'What is Love?'), Masae Anela, Castiel, and Erza Scarlett. Following that last one, to both girls' delight, she mixed it up a bit, holding the visage of Erza, but using that famed line from Castiel, "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition," complete with deep, gravelly voice.

On the more serious end of things, Rusl and Fox were discussing the potential position of the goombas in the war with Midna. "They're not interested in taking sides yet," she was explaining. "Of course, it's a very real possibility that they'll tell everyone involved to take a long walk off a short pier."

"I can't see them siding with the Great Darkness," Rusl shrugged, helping himself to a spoonful of soup. "They've got as much to lose to him as we do, and not nearly as much to gain."

"But is that necessarily true?" Fox mused. "Smashers in general haven't been the kindest to the goombas over the years, and Tabuu _is_ a master of deception- all he has to do is convince them that he has more to offer them... how's Goomboss doing, Midna?"

"I wouldn't count on him to take any sides," Midna shook her head. "He's in a state of hating anything to do with smashers right now.

Finally, Mario turned to Roy and asked the question that had been nagging at him ever since that night with the floows- "So, what's with Kamek? Doesn't seem like much of a philanthropist..."

"He's not," Roy agreed. "He's here because he's useful- he's got a lot of connections in the underworld- seedy little smegger. But he won't be betraying us anytime soon- he _is_ genuinely loyal to the Hand, and Bayonetta's made it very clear what _she_ thinks of traitors, so... yeah."

"Why so loyal to the Hand?"

"He helped him out of a... tight spot, shall we say?"

"What kind of tight spot?"

"Don't tell him!" Krystal interrupted, turning her attention to them.

"Oh, come on, am I allowed to know _anything?_ " Mario objected.

"You don't _want_ to know this," Krystal shook her head. "Roy, you shouldn't have told me, but you did, so now I'm telling _you_ , Mario- you don't want to know."

"Well, there you have it," Roy nodded. "It's not the most pleasant story- besides, it doesn't really matter right now, does it?"

"Huh?" Mario raised his eyebrows.

"Well, let's stop beating around the bush, shall we?" Roy wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "We both know what you _really_ want to talk about, so why not come out with it?"

"Um..."

Roy sighed. "No need to play dumb- don't you want to know what's going on with Tabuu?"

There was that record-needle scratch again. Everyone ceased in their meals, eyes front and center as Roy's sentence graced their ears.

"Of... of course I do," Mario nodded, feeling somewhat wrong-footed, speaking into the dead silence that had suddenly risen. "I guess I just figured you wouldn't tell us anything- Link and Zelda were saying something about how we're too young-"

"Dang _right,_ you are!" Uli agreed, her eyebrows knitting. " _Far_ too young!"

Roy waved his hand. "Mario's earned the right to ask some questions, _many_ times over," he argued. "All that smeg from the end of last year, then a month cooped up with those muggles, doesn't he have the right to be curious?"

"Yo, what the heck?" came Meta's voice.

"Taking Mario's side all of a sudden, why didn't you ever stick up for _us,_ huh?" Kirby agreed. "I mean, at least _we're_ legal adults!"

"And legally blond!" Meta agreed.

"Not my call," Roy shrugged. "Rusl and Uli's. With _Mario,_ on the other hand-"

"That's not your call either!" Uli barked. "Don't you remember what the Master Hand said?"

"He's said quite a bit over the past few weeks, why don't you get a bit more specific?" Roy shot back.

"Don't tell Mario more than he needs to know!"

"Well, I didn't exactly plan on telling him the full inner workings of the Foundation!" Roy retaliated. "Not that we've got a good idea of that, either, anyways! But we're talking about the guy who _witnessed_ Tabuu's resurrection, then was sent back home to receive absolutely no word about _anything_ for four weeks!"

"But he's still too young!" Uli countered. "He's only fifteen-"

"And he's already done more than some of our eldest members!" Roy cut in, sparing a quick look of pride for his godson before returning to glaring at Uli. "Need we bring up the sacred writings on Fanfiction known as the 'Mario Mario' series?"

"No, no we need not!" Uli shook her head fervently. "But no matter how many words that idiot of a gamer logs, it doesn't change that Mario is still-"

"Not a child!" Roy growled.

"But he's not an adult, either! He's not the reincarnation of your best friend!"

"I never said he was!"

"Not outright, no, but the way you talk about him sometimes is enough to make one think that you see him as your replacement goldfish!"

"I've been called worse things over the years," Mario shrugged.

"Mario, you may look like him, and you may have a large portion of his personality, but at the end of the day, you are _not_ Jake Mario," Uli shook her head. "To treat you as if you were is simply irresponsible!"

"Are you calling _me_ irresponsible?!" Roy's eyes narrowed. "Them's fightin' words!"

"You're not exactly presenting a good case otherwise!" Uli pointed out. "You tend to leap before you look, Roy- why else would the Master Hand tell you to-"

"I play my _Irrelevance_ card!" Roy burst out, making motions as though playing the world's most dramatic card game. "It allows me to point out how the Master Hand's instructions have _nothing_ to do with the issue at hand, deducting a thousand life points from you for each word in your previous sentence, thus winning me the duel!"

"Rusl!" Uli burst out, turning to her husband.

Rusl looked panicked at being asked his opinion. "Well... well, Uli..." He paused, cleared his throat, and adopted a more professional stance. "Well, Uli, the way I see it... the Master Hand _did_ say to limit the information Mario receives, but even he acknowledges that, if he's staying in our base of operations, he must learn, at the very least, some of the basics..."

"But Roy is insisting he be allowed to ask anything he wants!"

"But not necessarily receive answers," Fox pointed out. "Besides, Uli, bereft of information, Mario may develop a hunger, and, in hunger, may turn to less... reliable... sources."

He couldn't be sure, but something told Mario that Fox wasn't as certain as Uli was that all of the Faron twins' soup cans had survived the Purge. (TM.)

Uli looked around, seemingly desperate for support, before sighing. "Okay, fine, do it your way. Just remember that I _do_ , in fact, have Mario's interests at heart-"

"Which is all well and good, but he's not actually your son," Roy pointed out.

"He's as good as," Uli retorted.* "Who else does he have?"

"Well, there's me." As he said it, Roy raised his hands in a 'here-I-am' sort of way.

"True, and you've done a fine job of filling in as his father, all those years in Subspace," Uli replied bitingly.

Roy snapped, rising from his chair and reaching for his sword. He only stopped when Fox rose as well- from his chair, and raising his voice. "Enough!" he called out. "Roy, sit down and put that thing away. Uli, you're not the only one who cares for Mario."

Slowly, both Uli and Roy seated themselves again, determinedly looking away from one another. Fox cleared his throat, and continued. "Now, while it's hard to tell what to do _exactly,_ I would say that, at the very least, Mario deserves a say in the proceedings. He's earned that much."

"I want to know what's going on," Mario spoke up immediately. He appreciated Uli, and was genuinely touched by her statement that he was as good as her son, but at the same time, he was with Roy- he'd left his childhood behind a _ways_ back- at the very latest, in that graveyard in Threed.

"Alright... alright," Uli finally conceded defeat. "You can stay. But you, Link... Zelda... Peach... twins... away with you."

"OBJECTION!" came five voices at once.

"We're already adults!" the Faron twins repeated.

"Zelda and I went through everything with Mario, why can't we stay, too!" Link brought up.

"Mom, I want to know what's going on, too!" Peach looked angrier than Mario had ever seen her.

"OVERRULED!" Uli raised her voice. "I will _not_ allow-"

"Well, we may as well concede to Kirby and Meta Knight," Rusl spoke quietly. "You've been using their age as an excuse to throw all those responsibilities on them, why not give them some of the benefits of being adults, too?"

Uli opened and closed her mouth for a moment, then sighed. "Alright, you two can stay, too. But Link and Zelda-"

"You'd just be prolonging the inevitable," Link spoke up, shaking his head. "Mario will just fill us in afterwards... won't you?" As he spoke, he threw an uncertain look at his red-clad friend.

Very briefly, Mario felt a fire in his stomach- the fire of a monster living in his heart. The monster was born the day he was sent back to the Smiths, and over the past month, had fed off his anger, his frustration, his resentment, his sense of abandonment and betrayal, leeching off of them like they were its mother's milk. In that moment, it roared, insisting that Mario turn to Link and tell him that no, he wouldn't- that he, Mario, would be the one finding things out for once, that Link and Zelda could stay in the dark for a while, see how they liked it.

But one glance at Link, and it ended. One look at the face of his comrade, looking so uncertain... that look on Link's face was an arrow of light, flying straight into Mario's heart, slaying the monster with one fell blow, snapping Mario out of it- how could he think such a thing? "Of course," he nodded, and a look of relief passed the swordsman's face. Mario smiled and quietly shook his head- just once, he'd like to hold a stable grudge, just to see what it was like.

"Oh, love of- Peach, to bed!" Uli shouted, in a tone that invited instant death on anyone who attempted to argue the point. Even Peach was cowed, quietly skulking to the door and heading up the stairs.

A moment of silence, and Roy spoke. "Okay... so... where to begin?"

"Where is he?" Mario asked without hesitation. "Tabuu- where is he, what's he doing? I tried following some news outlets, but nothing's been happening that sounds like him- why?"

"Well, you could have worked that one out on your own- as your former teacher, I know you're smart enough," Fox smiled. "Simple cause and effect- there's been nothing in the news that sounds like him, because he hasn't leapt back into his old shenanigans, as far as we know- which is a lot more than he'd like to think."

"The thing is, Tabuu made a mistake last month- a fatal mistake that could nip his revolution in the bud," Roy flashed a proud smile at Mario.

Mario, however, didn't understand why he deserved such pride. "How? What happened, what did he do?"

"He let you walk away alive!" Roy thumped him on the back. "It was supposed to be a quiet thing, send your body back, make it look like you and DK died in the labyrinth, then get his act together and take over the smasher world while the Master Hand was still tying his shoes! But no- you survived, and did _exactly_ the worst thing you could have done- by Tabuu, at least."

"What was that?"

"You told the Master Hand," Fox raised a glass slightly, smiling. "Thanks to you, the Master Hand knew about Tabuu's revival only an hour or so after it happened- and that's made all the difference."

"Tabuu back less than a day, and the Master Hand was already getting Philanthropy back together," Roy nodded.

"And doing... what?" Mario asked.

"Moving as fast as we can to stop Tabuu's plans from coming to fruition."

"And you know what he's planning because...?"

"When has the Master Hand _not_ known what's going on?" Fox pointed out.

Mario was feeling a certain amount of resentment towards the old Hand, but it _had_ been him who'd said, not that long ago, that he trusted the Master Hand's guesses more than he trusted most peoples' facts, so he conceded the point, quietly nodding and motioning for them to continue.

"Step 1, of course, is to rebuild his army," Roy picked up. "You say he only had a dozen or so starmen at his welcome-home party- that's only a _fraction_ of the influence he used to have. Smashers, of course, but also ancients, floows- you don't try to take on the world with just a rabble of mindless Starmen."

"So, to retaliate," Mario tried to piece it together on his own, "you're trying to stop him from getting any followers, right?"

"The smaller we keep his army, the easier it'll be to take him down," Fox nodded.

"And step one to _that,_ " Midna stepped in, "is to convince people that he's back. A large part of his army last time were people being mind controlled- so, ideally, we put up as many people's defenses as possible, and they won't get mind controlled this time around. Unfortunately, that's a lot more difficult than it really _should_ be..."

"Why's that?"

Krystal sighed. "The government isn't particularly satisfied with what's going on- they refuse to believe that the Great Darkness is back, and they're doing everything they can to discourage the idea."

"Why?" Mario asked, confused. "I mean, the Master Hand himself-"

"And you just hit the nail on the head," Rusl shook his head heavily.

"Our good president is afraid of the old hand," Li Kuugo muttered, looking somewhat bitter.

"Afraid... of the Master Hand?" Mario asked, bewildered.

"Or, more accurately, of what he thinks the Master Hand is doing," Fox explained. "Something in Andrew Ryan's mind refuses to accept that Tabuu could be back, and the only alternative is that the Master Hand is lying- lying to ruin his reputation, and to usurp his throne as President."

"The Master Hand doesn't _want_ to be president!" Mario objected. "Doesn't he remember that the Hand turned _down_ the presidency after winning it in a _landslide_?!"

"True," Rusl agreed. "The presidency has never been a goal of the Master Hand's- but Andrew Ryan seems to have a selective memory. He's forgotten that, memories of it replaced with memories of how much support he had, memories of how much Olimar relied on him for advice throughout his term..."

"Deep down, Andrew Ryan suspects the Master Hand would make a better president than he would- and he's afraid others will begin to think that way as well," Fox continued. "But he's grown fond of the power he holds in his position- to throw away his own self-doubt, convincing himself that the Master Hand is lying is the only option left to him."

"The Great Darkness's return would mean a clusterf*** the likes of which we haven't seen for many years," Bayonetta put in. "And Mr. Ryan's order-loving mind can't stand the thought of it- from his point of view, it's much easier to put his fingers in his ears and ignore any evidence the Master Hand volunteers."

"Which raises quite the hefty problem," Roy agreed. "The government's on one side, insisting that everything's fine and dandy, while we're on the other, screaming that we're standing on the edge of destruction, here. That's not something people are keen to believe in the first place, but throw that together with the government's attitude, and most people will go through any mental gymnastics necessary to convince themselves that there's no real problem except the ravings of a senile disembodied limb."

"But you _are_ getting the word out, aren't you?" Mario spoke urgently. "You _are_ trying to convince others, right?"

"Well, there's an issue with a lot of us trying to tell anyone anything," Gordon spoke up for the first time. "Take Roy, for example- an ex-convict can't exactly walk around in public."

"Don't forget about me," Bayonetta smirked, adjusting her glasses.

"What _about_ you?" Li asked scathingly.

"I'm an ex-con, too," she pointed out, to a collective sigh from certain members of the gathering.

"Yeah, we know, because you won't stop bringing it up," Li muttered. "Don't mess with me, I did a full year in jail once, yada yada yada... nobody would be impressed if they knew _why_ you were in jail for a year, though, would they?"

"Enough," Fox raised his voice. "At any rate, while I _am_ free to tell people, I'm liable to be brushed aside due to my... condition." Mario nodded- he was aware that, on nights of the full moon, Fox became a porcine monstrosity.

"Any one of us who works at the government can consider their lips perpetually sealed," Gordon spoke up again. "Me, Rusl, Krystal, Midna... we shoot our mouths, we lose our mouths- so to speak. It's critical that we retain our jobs, keeping eyes in the government- because you can bet your bottom dollar that the Great Darkness does."

"Not to say that nobody's finding out," Rusl put in. "Take Krystal, for example- as she's probably told you, she was in senior year in _your_ noob year- far to young to have been part of the resistance last time. As her old mentor, Gordon was able to reach out to her and let her know what was going on- she's loyal to him before the government. On top of that, Gordon's also in charge of the manhunt for Roy- as far as the government knows, Roy hijacked a spaceship and is en route to Second Miltia as we speak- a good four thousand or so lightyears away from here."

"But what does any of that _matter,_ if nobody's spreading the word?!" Mario asked desperately.

"Who said nobody's spreading the word?" Roy asked, a look of mock-hurt on his face. "Why do you think the Master Hand's in so much trouble?"

"The Master Hand? In trouble?"

"Oh, yeah," Roy nodded fervently. "All over the Tribune- he's tried to give several speeches, only for organized protests to break out- people standing in in protest, pulling fire alarms- Talon tried to give a speech about what it was like to live through the first smasher war, people gathered 'round outside and insisted he was forming a group to legalize rape! As for what the _government's_ doing about all this, he's been kicked out of the smasher U.N., apparently for arguing against certain policies- policies that turned people against him once they 'found out' he 'opposed' them- but actually because of all those speeches he's giving about Tabuu's return. Lost his seat on the High Court, barred from any government help- except where the Smash Bros. are concerned, of course- and he's getting smeared in the Tribune almost as much as you are."

"Some of us are worried that he'll find himself in Subspace soon on some trumped-up charge," Rusl noted sadly. "That would be a disaster for us. We can't have the government taking the Great Darkness's biggest obstacle out of the way this early in the game- or, ideally, at all."

"But if Tabuu's trying to recruit, isn't it going to come out at some point anyways?" Mario asked hopelessly.

Roy chuckled humorlessly. "We're not dealing with Snidely Whiplash here, Mario- he doesn't waltz into people's homes, tie their loved ones to the railroad tracks, twirl his moustache, and order them around under threat of the train coming in. He's operating as quietly as he can- he has to, to keep the government off his back. At the moment, he's diverting his resources a bit- he'll start seriously gathering help later, for now, he's trying to get some things that he can only get while nobody's paying him any attention."

"What are you talking about?"

Roy sighed. "Well, that's top-secret. I couldn't tell you. It would definitely be out of line for me to say, for example, that he's on a stealth mission, of sorts. I could never tell you that there's an... _item_ , shall we say- that he's looking for. It would be right out for me to tell you that this item would be a valuable weapon in his hands- I would be crossing all _sorts_ of lines to tell you that, if he'd had this item last time, we probably would have lost the war."

Mario snapped. "Enough beating around the bush- what is it? What could be worse than his deathblow?"

Roy looked like he was on the verge of telling him, but Uli spoke up first. "Enough! This little chatting session has gone on long enough- to bed, all of you!"

"We're adults now!" Kirby objected. "You can't boss us-"

" _Now_!" Uli growled, adopting her best 'angry Erza Scarlett' impression, prompting Kirby and Meta Knight to cling to each other as they dashed upstairs, crying out, "Aye!"

Uli turned on Roy. "Think you gave him enough information? You might as well accept him into Philanthropy right now, at the rate you're going!"

"And why not?" Mario spoke up. "Why _not_ let me join- I want to fight!"

Roy clapped once, giving his godson a proud smile and wink, but the next objection came, not from Uli, but from Fox.

"I'm sorry, Mario, but we can't do that," he shook his head, momentarily sounding almost like his more wolflike counterpart. "The only ones allowed into Philanthropy are adults- adults that have finished school," he added quickly, predicting the 'Kirby-and-Meta-Knight' argument before it came. "There are things at play here that you couldn't possibly comprehend. Roy, Uli's right- we've said enough."

It looked reluctant, but Roy nodded nonetheless. With Kirby and Meta having thrown in the towel already, Mario figured he and his friends didn't stand much of a chance either- he crossed the room to Link and Zelda as they stood, and as one, they began their trek up the stairs.

 _XXXX_

*Another line that I simply _couldn't_ edit or omit- one of the most heartwarming lines in the series, at a not-particularly-heartwarming juncture.

 _FREAKING MOABS! I'LL KILL YOU AND YOUR WHOLE-_ oh, hey, chapter's over. Just playing... a little Bloon Tower Defense on the side... heh heh... aaaaand, I just realized my roommate changed the mouse to the computer without telling me. Again.

Well, the only questions today are related to the 'popular meme' that I spoke of last chapter- you know, during Mario's rant? Most people guessed it as a reference to Dragonball Z Abridged- and while I'd be the first to admit that I _am_ a fan of that show, and that _is_ one of my favorite parts... I didn't really think of that part as a reference to it. The whole 'someone shouts so loud that somebody a ridiculous distance away can still hear them' thing isn't something invented by Team Four-Star- it's been in plenty of places before. That said, I wouldn't say that guess is _entirely_ wrong, either- it's just that, I was referring to the whole 'Mario shouting' scene, not just the cutaways to people reacting to it. As far as that goes, there _is_ one person who correctly guessed it- calling out, Scottish Knight, who correctly identified the scene as being modeled after those 'Hitler reacts to-' videos that were all the rage a few years back! You know, a clip of some movie where Hitler reacts to bad news by taking it out on his room full of Nazis, except people sub it to be about something completely different than what it was in the actual movie? (I've never seen the movie myself, I wouldn't know- I don't even know what movie it is.) Pretty obscure, yes, but play one of those videos alongside the Mario ranting section, you'll see it.

Long end-notes this time around- looks like the Alluvia family history will have to wait for the next chapter, which I would definitely like to get up later this week! Until then, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	6. Fire in the Reeds

Gamer4 in. It's hot... so hot... seriously, it's so hot that even my computer isn't working properly- I think there's sweat going through the motherboard or something. Computers work like that, right? Well, whatever- it's actually cooler in the computer room (kind of like it's cooler on the sun than it is in the center of the earth,) so, what better way to beat the heat than to come down here and write a chapter? Hope you enjoy- I'll be dying on my end...

Disclaimer: Masquerading as a man with a reason, my charade is the event of the season, and if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know.

Chapter VI

The Fire in the Reeds

"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I, for one, am excruciatingly tired!" Link spoke in an unnecessarily loud voice as they began climbing up to bed. "I am so sleepy, I have no energy left to talk about anything we just heard- I just need to conk out on my bed, and sleep straight through the rest of summer vacation!" Lowering his voice quite a bit, he added, "Do you think we're out of earshot?"

"I'd say so," Zelda nodded, glancing back at the eighty or so stories they'd climbed. "Well, I'll go to my room- I'm sure Peach is asleep, too..."

"If, by 'asleep,' you mean 'waiting for you to come in and tell her everything,' then yes, I'd say she probably is," Link agreed as he and Mario turned into their room.

Parakarry and Riki, Link's own pet albatross, were both moving around the room somewhat restlessly, so Link tossed them a couple of treats from the local pokemart to pacify them. "Lock the door tight, alright?" he requested as he turned to collapse on his bed.

"Why?" Mario asked as he clicked the lock behind him.

"This place has a yoshi living here- Bana, he's insane," Link explained. "First night staying here, I woke up and saw him picking through my drawers... let's just say I have no desire to repeat the experience."

"Fair enough," Mario shrugged as he sat down on his own. "Well, I guess we're about as 'up to speed' now as we're likely to get- but they didn't tell us much we hadn't put together already."

"Yeah," Link nodded regretfully. "Only one new piece of info, and that- WIND OF FARORE, STOP _DOING_ THAT!" he cursed as a bright yellow star appeared and formed into two twin puffballs.

"Keep it down, keep it down!" they quickly silenced him. "You don't want to tip Mom off, do you?"

"Well, maybe I'd be a bit more accommodating if you'd stop teleporting in right on top of me!"

Kirby looked down to find himself on Link's chest, Meta on his... waist area. "Oh- sorry."

"Sorry is right," Link grumbled as they clambered down. "Do I look like a jungle gym to you?"

"Well, in this lighting..." Kirby shrugged thoughtfully.

"Not important!" Meta interrupted. "What we're really here to talk about- what do you two think? You know, about that thing Roy was talking about?"

"If only Mom hadn't stopped him," Kirby shook his head in regret. "He really wanted to let us know..."

"So, any idea what it might be?" Mario asked.

"With the information we have, we have a better chance of guessing tomorrow's lottery numbers," Meta shook his head.

"I'm with Mario," Link mused. "The Great Darkness already has his deathblow, why would he need a better weapon than that?"

"Maybe it's like the lullaby flute- it can kill a lot of people at once?" Kirby speculated.

"Or maybe it causes whoever he's killing pain," Meta suggested.

"No, he wouldn't need that," Mario shook his head. "He's already got Dark Aperture- that's all he'll ever need, as far as torture goes, believe you me."

"So, whatever this thing is... who has it now?" Kirby wondered aloud.

"Here's hoping the Master Hand at least knows where it is," Link bit his lip in concern.

"If he has it, you can bet he'll have hidden it away, nice and snug," Meta threw his hat into the ring. "Hey, maybe it's at the Smash Mansion- why not, it's where he kept the Hylian Stone!"

"But if this is something the Great Darkness is after, it'll be a lot bigger than some stupid stone," Link shook his head.

"Because size equals power?" Kirby injected some skepticism into his voice. "What about Peach, then?"

"What _about_ Peach?" Mario asked, raising his eyebrows.

"What, you've never been on the receiving end of her divine wrath?" Meta smirked.

"Of course he hasn't- Mario's the one person she'd never show _that_ side of herself to," Kirby equaled his brother's smirk.

"Quiet!" Link interrupted, a look of fear crossing his eyes. "Do you hear that?"

Everyone fell silent, and heard footsteps in the hall. Kirby and Meta cursed, and, once again, were gone.

There was a knock at their door, and Uli's voice- "Do I hear voices in there?"

Link hurriedly let loose with a chainsaw rip of a snore, panic in his eyes- but it seemed to satisfy his mother, for the next sound was of footsteps going back down the stairs. Speaking as loudly as he dared- not much above a whisper, in other words- Link said, "No point in worrying about it now- might as well sleep on it a bit."

Mario nodded and rolled over, closing his eyes and attempting to force himself into the bliss of sleep.

XXXX

As sure as he'd been that he wouldn't be able to sleep that night, it was decently late the next day by the time he and Link were awoken by the twin puffballs, calling them down to breakfast, and, ultimately, upstairs to what they referred to as the 'tapestry room' for Mario's first bout of cleaning with the Alluvia household.

As he awaited said bout, he began to wonder how literal that term would be- the Farons (and Zelda,) as they stood there looked like new privates being broken in by the drill sergeant- i.e., Uli. As she'd indicated the previous night, the place was alive with batlike creatures Mario recognized from his textbooks as keese, which were _technically_ creatures associated with the Evils, but in the grand scheme of things, were more annoyances than genuine threats to prospective hunters.

"Ten-hut!" Uli barked as all her children (as well as Zelda and Mario) fell into formation, complete with salutes. "Alright, ladies and gents! Today, we embark on a mission most dangerous- your enemies are these creatures of the night! You will each take one of these-" here, she indicated a series of paint guns propped up on a nearby wall- "load them with those special cartridges-" sitting on a nearby sofa- "and open fire upon the enemy! The cartridges are loaded with a special power-up from Wolf O'Donnell that will paralyze the enemy, at which point you will dump them into this tub here!" A large, bright red plastic container at her feet. "You are all paying rent to Roy Alluvia, and today, the payment comes in the form of paralyzed keese! Roy likes keese, so each of us will be presenting him with ten paralyzed keese by the end of today! Do you understand?!"

"Aye, sir!" Kirby and Meta chorused.

"Very well- begin!"

And so began the war against the keese. Well... either his textbooks had been wildly downplaying the lethality of keese, or Roy's family had been intentionally breeding superstrong keese with a taste for human blood- at this point, neither would really surprise him. It really _was_ all-out warfare on those bats- they were much like the Mr. Batties that Tingle Limpah, one of their previous Protection from the Evils teachers, had unleashed a couple years back, except where those had caused chaos out of their own stupidity, the keese seemed to be actively aggressive, snatching and snaring at them, screeching, and generally raising a ruckus. Naturally, it didn't take long for the Faron twins to start really playing up the dramatic aspect of the whole thing.

"Aaargggghhhh, it's got me!" Kirby cried dramatically, spinning around and collapsing.

"No, Kirby!" Meta wailed, rushing to his side, blasting at any keese that dared draw near. "Don't go- you're the only one around here I can talk to!"

"Forget about me, Meta! Save yourself!"

"I'm not quitting you!" Meta cried- only to briefly clear his throat, muttering, "Everyone look away for a moment." He quickly threw his head back and shot some drops into his eyes, then looked back at Kirby, returning to his dramatic voice as he 'sobbed,' "I ain't quitting on you! Not after all we've been through!"

"Are you two finished?" Peach asked, her eyes half-closed as she looked at them, casually blasting at the keese behind her. Mario felt something funny- something he thought he might have felt before around... Pauline Dama? Nah, he must be imagining things...

"Yeah, sure," the twins nodded in unison, turning back to the keese and opening fire. Mario, however, caught it- under the guise of their dramatic war re-enactment, Kirby had slipped a fallen keese into Meta's headband.

"So, what're you two up to?" he asked quietly, fighting his way through the bat hordes to them.

"What makes you think we're up to something?" the twins asked in perfect synchronization, summoning up their patented 'innocence halos.'

"Your muscles were moving," Mario snarked. "Seriously, what's with the bats?"

"Keese," Meta corrected. "Research and development, dear Mario, research and development."

"Research and development of what?"

"New product idea!" Kirby explained brightly. "The core tenet of capitalism, after all, is supply and demand- see a need, fill a need! We happened to see a need- students laboring under the oppression of boring, dull classes..."

"And we thought we'd fill that need with special 'power-ups' that make the recipient _just_ sick enough to get them Nurse Tessie's permission to duck out of class, before taking the antidote and getting to enjoy all their newfound time to themselves!" Meta nodded happily.

"You're sure that Nurse Tessie won't be able to cure it on her own?" Mario asked skeptically.

"You wound us, Mario!" Kirby cringed as though a bullet had torn through him. "You don't think we thought of that?"

"The ailments caused by our power-ups will have the sole cure of other power-ups supplied by us!" Meta agreed. "Or- well, that's the goal, at least- like I said, we're still at the research and development stage."

"Yeah, our testers' satisfaction isn't particularly high at the moment," Kirby shook his head.

"You have testers?"

"Well, ourselves," the twins shrugged. "Peach and Link'll lend a hand if the mood strikes them- which doesn't happen often, for some reason. And, of course, we'd have to be senile before we let Zelda in on all this."

"I suppose I can assume, then, that my ten thousand gold coin investment is being well spent?" Mario spoke quieter than ever- he didn't want the others knowing what he'd _actually_ done with his winnings from the Console Games the previous year- as far as they knew, he'd invested it all in his own copy of the Wii version of _Xenoblade Chronicles-_ and still had some money left over he'd had to withdraw from his account at the Third National Bank of Smashing.

"Oh, yeah, we're taking good care of it," Kirby agreed. "Obviously, we aren't starting an actual store yet- still in school, and all that- but we've got some advertisements in the Fourside Tribune- taking advantage of Mom refusing to read a word they write anymore."

"Why?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Because of what they say about you," Meta shrugged.

Around which time Uli noted they were shirking, and threatened to court marshal them if they didn't get back to it, sending them back to the front lines of the war.

It was about noon by the time they finished, just in time for Roy to open the door to look in on the progress. "I can tell you've been busy," he noted, scrunching up his nose. "Smells like that anthro's concoctions in here."

"Very astute," Uli agreed shortly. "Well, I think that's all the keese- if there are any left, we can tackle them later on. We'll take a lunch break, then take on those cupboards- Wave Existence knows what these people were storing in there."

Mario glanced at cupboards whose doors resembled the gates of hell, down to having skulls carved into them- skulls with glowing, orange eyes. "Looks like happy fun times," he muttered.

"Knowing my parents, nothing good," Roy responded to Uli. "By the way, Kamek's here- says he wants to talk to you."

"Kamek?" Uli raised her eyebrows. "What does he want?"

Roy shrugged, Uli stood up, and headed out the door. Roy turned to smile at the others. "So, now that _she's_ out of the way, how are those new designs working out?"

"Designs?" Mario asked.

"For our bugs," Kirby smiled. "Soup cans are out, so we thought we'd redesign them a bit."

"Roy's been helping you?"

"Let's just say I've got a more libertarian approach to all this than Uli," Roy shrugged.

"Were you lying to her about Kamek just to get her out of here?" Zelda crossed her arms.

"Nah, he's actually here- and looking to store some of that highmore caviar, by the looks of it."

"Highmore caviar?"

"It's a smashing drug- making it and selling it is a good way to make some easy cash," Roy explained. "Highly illegal, of course- which just made everyone angrier when he left you behind to get some from some shady merchant over in-"

Before he could even finish that sentence, an explosion seemed to sound off from the lower floors of the building- from the center of which rose up Uli Faron's voice.

"YOU MISERABLE LITTLE THIEF, THIS PLACE IS THE HOME OF THE MOVEMENT AGAINST THE GREAT DARKNESS, NOT AN OUTPOST FOR YOUR BLACK MARKET DEALS!"

"From the sounds of it, Mom _still_ hasn't gotten over it," Peach noted dryly, cringing inside the doorway as her mother's voice echoed through the house.

"LEAVING MARIO BEHIND TO PICK UP THIS FILTH, LEAVING HIM TO FEND FOR HIMSELF AGAINST THOSE CREATURES FROM THE UNDERWORLD- DO YOU EVEN REALIZE THE GRAVITY-"

"Filth? _Filth?_ FILTH! FILTH! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLTH! YOU CREATURES OF FILTH, STAINS UPON THE FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE! YOU MISERABLE HEAPS OF DUNG ENCROACHING UPON THE HOME OF THE REED FAMILY, THE HOME OF MY FOREFATHERS-"

"And there goes _my_ mother," Roy muttered, facepalming. "I guess you'll have to tell me about your new bug designs later- I have to go shut her up..."

He dashed out the door, leaving them behind to listen to the shouting of the two women going on below... until the door creaked open again, revealing a rather strange creature on the other side. On the surface, it resembled a yoshi, a dinosaur-dragon creature Mario had seen many times before... but on the other hand, it kind of resembled roadkill as well. Its skin was an unhealthy green color, while the blue of the ridge on its back didn't seem to complement the rest of its body at all, the way most other yoshis ridges complemented theirs. On its back was a saddle that looked like it had seen better days- it seemed to be wearing away and falling apart at the seems even as they watched. It was old, decrepit, and looked like a single gust of wind could reduce him to dust at any moment.

Mario had to stare as it made its way into the room, walking around and talking- seemingly to itself, as though none of them made any impact in its vision. "She acts as though she is any better, but we know better, don't we, precious?" it spoke in a strange voice that suggested it either used its voice too often, or not often enough- Mario couldn't decide which. "A traitor to her own blood, isn't she, precious? Destroying all that Lady Reed sought to build all these years, the pain... for shame, for shame, Bana, allowing in wollywogs and werecreatures and thieves... what is Bana to do, precious?"

Throughout this monologue, Kirby and Meta Knight were sneaking up behind him, before finally calling out, "HEY, BANA, HOW'S IT GOING?!"

Bana did not jump- in fact, he didn't look even remotely surprised as he turned to face them. "Ah... the marshmallows. Bana did not see the little masters standing there... though he smelled the scent of their internalized hatred for anything pure..."

"Doth our ears inform us of slights against our character?" the twins asked, eyes narrowing without any genuine anger behind them.

"Bana would never presume to utter blasphemy against ones so pure of blood," Bana shook his head slowly. "Hateful towards their own people as they may be," he added under his breath.

Mario was stunned- what exactly was going on here? He honestly couldn't tell if Bana was using his apparent insanity as an excuse to be rude, or if he genuinely didn't recognize the difference between what he was saying in his mind and what he was saying out loud.

And he was back to it, looking at Zelda this time. "And there stands the wollywog, acting as though she possesses any right to be in even Bana's presence, let alone breathing the air once breathed by Lady Reed and her forebears... and what of this new boy? Bana has yet to lay eyes upon _him,_ precious..."

"This is Mario, Bana," Zelda introduced him- Mario raised his hand in an uncertain wave. "Mario Mario."

Bana cringed. "Has Bana truly stooped so low as to be addressed like this by a wollywog, precious? Bana has no desire to-"

"Look, enough of this wollywog stuff already!" Peach burst out, causing Mario to jump- he'd been assuming so far that that teapot whistle had been coming from Link, only to realize Link was standing on his other side- Peach, meanwhile, had been steadily turning red for the past minute or so. "You little-"

"Ease off, Peach, he's not in his right mind," Zelda spoke calmly.

"Don't make excuses for him," Peach hissed, her eyes expressing a clear distaste for the yoshi. "He knows what he's saying, and he's dang proud of it!"

Bana didn't seem to notice this debate going on on his behalf- he was too busy sizing Mario up. "So it is," he finally muttered. "Mario Mario it must be, for Bana can see the scar upon his head, precious. Bana truly stands in the presence of the boy who defeated the Great Darkness... truly, a great act... but how did he do it?"

"Still trying to wrap my mind around that one myself," Mario admitted with a shrug.

"What are you here for, anyway?" Peach asked, still with a note of hostility in her voice.

Bana wearily shook his head again. "Bana thought he would assist in the cleaning of the tapestry room, precious..."

"And that's something I'll believe when I see it," came another scathing voice, this time from the doorway. Mario turned to see Roy bestowing upon Bana the nastiest look Mario had ever seen from his godfather- well, not _quite_ as nasty as the look he'd once reserved for Mumkhar, but pretty close. Upon seeing him, Bana quickly dropped into a kowtowing position. Roy shook his head agitatedly. "I already told you not to bow to me!" he barked. "I don't want your reverence- I want to know what you're _really_ doing!"

"Bana has already said- he is cleaning in the service of the house of Reed..."

"This isn't the house of Reed anymore," Roy objected fiercely. "Not while it's my house."

"That is, of course, at Mr... Mr. _Alluvia's_ discretion," Bana nodded, before turning away. "Though he is not grateful enough to his parents to even retain their name, precious... he believes he deserves to inherit the house of those whose very _name_ he shunned..."

"Spare me the lectures," Roy interrupted. "I'll ask again- what are you _really_ doing here? You only help with the cleaning when we're about to throw away something you don't _want_ thrown away- so what is it this time?"

"Bana is insulted at the very idea that he would mistreat the former possessions of Lady Reed in such a fashion!" Bana objected- before dropping back into his mumbles. "The tapestry- the young master will no doubt turn his attention to the tapestry next- what would Bana do if he truly discarded it?!"

"The tapestry, huh?" Roy mused, turning to the tapestry that gave the room its name. "Well, don't worry about that, Bana- we won't be throwing that away any time soon. Not for lack of trying, mind you... now go away."

Bana shook his head wearily once more before shuffling out of the room and down the hall. Roy followed suit, shaking his head and doing some muttering of his own. "Little scumbag..."

Zelda crossed her arms again. "You're really not being fair, Roy- it's not his fault, he doesn't realize we're standing here!"

"Side effect of being alone here ever since Mumsy kicked off," Roy rubbed his temples. "The only person he's had to talk to is that picture of her down there, and her vocabulary's pretty limited..."

"Why not set him free?" Zelda suggested, hope in her voice. "Set him free, let him see the world, let him have some experiences of his own!"

As the conversation between them continued, Link leaned in towards Mario. "As you can probably tell, she hasn't given up on SOYLENT yet."

"So I gathered," Mario nodded. "Plenty of obscure movie references ahoy!"

Roy, meanwhile, responded to Zelda's suggestion with, "Believe you me, Zelda, there's not much that would give me greater pleasure than to kick that little smegger out of the house- but that's not really an option. He has too much information about Philanthropy, and too much sympathy for the starmen's cause." Smirking slightly, he added, "Besides, just the idea of leaving this place would give him a heart attack- seriously, just mention the possibility in his presence, see how he reacts."

"LUNCHTIME!"came a call from downstairs, ushering Kirby, Meta, Peach, Link, and Zelda out the door and down the stairs. Mario, however, lingered behind with his godfather, examining the tapestry. Imprinted on it was a vast family tree, with disturbingly few branches, dating back... quite a ways. Examining it for a while, he realized something surprising- "Roy... where are you?"

Roy chuckled. "Oh, don't bother looking for me here- Mom had a habit of tearing names off the old family tree whenever the corresponding person failed to meet her expectations. I _was_ there." He pointed to an area where there was simply a gaping hole in the fabric, showing the wall behind.

There was something nagging at the back of Mario's mind- he decided now was as good a time as any to bring it up. "Is that something to do with...?"

"My different last name?" Roy guessed, smiling. "Oh, yeah. When I was growing up, my Dad would always bring me books to read- stories about far-away lands, people fighting for heroic ideals, champions of justice and virtue... one of my favorites was about a little kingdom called Alluvia... So, when, one day, I decided that I didn't like the person known to the world as 'Roy Reed,' I left this place and decided to make a new name for myself, one that people could look at with respect and dignity, not even having to acknowledge the baggage that came with my surname- I guess 'Alluvia' was just the most fitting name I could think of."

"Why did you do it?" Mario asked softly.

"Leave?" Roy guessed. "Well... because this place was a hellhole for me. My Dad was decent enough, and apparently, Mom seemed pretty decent at first, too... until she got married to him and decided to go full pure-blood puritan on him and her children. She... she was a terrible person... she abused him terribly... punished him any time he ever thought to disagree with her on anything... and nobody would help him... my brother was too far into her indoctrination to see just how far up his butt his head had drilled, so it was just me and Dad who were sane here- he got me those books to show me a world outside, a world not ruled by a madwoman... and then one day, she found out about it and killed him for it."

Mario gasped, cringing in sympathy. Roy shook his head. "That was the last straw- I was only staying behind in the first place because I was worried about Dad- with him gone, there was nothing to do but smeg off- there was nothing left for me here."

"What did you do then?"

"Went to your father's- he was sympathetic to my plight- he'd been offering me a place over in Gem Heights for years beforehand," Roy recalled with a smile. "Forgive me for the Supernatural reference, but he really was the one who gripped me tight and raised me from perdition- if it weren't for him, I don't know if I'd have had the courage to leave. But he and his parents welcomed me with open arms- as long as I kept my room clean and did the dishes on Wednesdays," he added with a light tone of humor in his voice.

Mario didn't even know where to begin- eventually, he finally said, "You... you had a brother?"

"Well, Jake was always my real brother- to quote Supernatural again, family doesn't end at blood- or start at it, either, for that matter. But yes, as far as blood goes, I had a brother- you'll find a picture of him right... there."

Mario looked, and spied a picture of a man who seemed to be made out of darkness- except for a blood-red mouth. He was dressed in fancy white clothing, up to a monocle in one eye. The name beneath him was _Blumiere Reed_.

"Mom always loved rubbing his indoctrination into my face," Roy said scornfully. "When he joined up with the starmen, she treated it like he'd made star seeker on the smash-up team."

"He- he joined the starmen?" Mario asked, taken aback.

"Sure did- never really advanced through the ranks, but he wore the mark of the emissary with pride," Roy nodded.

"Was your Mom...?"

"No, no, she wasn't," Roy shook his head. "Though, as she constantly said, she _would_ be, if she was a little younger. Tabuu had quite the following before people realized just _how_ deranged he was. Had his own Youtube show and everything."

"What happened to him?"

"Tabuu? I thought you knew very well what happened to him."

"No... to Blumiere? What happened to him?"

Roy shook his head. "He's dead, now. He died a year or two before the end of the war."

"By a hunter?"

"No... no, it was Tabuu."

Mario blinked in surprise. " _Tabuu?!_ "

"Well, more likely, Tabuu just ordered the hit," Roy corrected himself. "Blumiere was just a grunt to him- nowhere near important enough for the leader of the organization to take care of him personally."

"But why-"

"Somewhere along the line, Blumiere got cold feet," Roy explained. "Exactly why depends on who's telling the story. Towards the end, he was always talking about some woman named Timpani- you ask me, he fell in love with a muggle, or a muggle-born, or someone he knew would be looked down on by the starman movement- and probably killed for it. Not that Mom would ever believe that, of course- anything, anything but her dear Blumiere finally growing a brain and thinking for himself, seeing past those prejudices... Not that it matters either way. The point is, he was disillusioned with Tabuu, decided to opt out of continued starmanship. But, of course, leaving the starmen isn't like leaving a job at K-Mart- you don't make a deal with the Devil then just decide to end it off early."

Roy shook his head once more, then began running his hands along the tapestry, examining it closely. "Man, it's been a while since I looked at this thing... ah, Father Balder, one of my distant ancestors... he was a headmaster at the Smash Bros., if not a popular one... his niece, Jacqueline Natla-Reed, who got into government, arguing that it was impossible to be racist against muggles to begin with... I'm sure you're sensing a trend, here- you won't find anyone with a shred of humanity on here. If anyone was born who didn't fit the family ideals, off they went- you're never going to find Krystal on here, for instance."

"Krystal?" Mario asked. "Krystal's related to the Reeds?"

"Yup," Roy nodded. "She's my niece, and I always loved going to visit her mother- my cousin. No point looking for her, either- Palutena was divergent from this family from day one. That's where she _was_ , if you care..."

Mario examined the tapestry closer. Sure enough, there was another hole, linked in sisterhood to two other names- Veran Reed, tied to Zant Labrynna. On the other side was Viridi Reed, married to Ghirahim Dragmire, and just below that was...

"Bowser!" Mario gasped. "You're related to the Dragmires?!"

"Technically so," Roy nodded. "But most of the old pure-blood family trees don't branch, if you know what I mean. Odds are, most pure-bloods you meet are related to each other in one fashion or another. Rusl and I aren't that far removed from each other either, to be honest- his father was _my_ father's second cousin. But don't worry- they aren't anywhere on here- the Farons were always infamous among the Reeds for not having proper pride in the purity of their blood."

Mario turned his attention back to Veran. Something about that name- and visage- was familiar...

"Cousin Veran," Roy noticed his look. "Wasn't nearly as fond of her as I was of Palutena. Doesn't matter anymore- she's in Subspace. She, her husband, Zant, and Magalor- another starman- were all sent in along with Franziska von Karma."

Now Mario remembered- he'd witnessed that trial through flashback, via the strange book in the Master Hand's office that allowed one to witness memories as though they were actually happening again. "She's... she's your-"

"It doesn't matter," Roy objected immediately. "Like I said, family doesn't start or stop at blood- Fox and Louie were more my cousins than Veran or Zant ever were." Looking around, a scowl began to form on his face. "I hate this house," he muttered. "Hate it, hate it, hate it. It's nothing but a series of bad memories wrapped up in a rotten bow..."

"I think I get you... a bit, at least," Mario raised an arm to his godfather's shoulder. "It's like... it's like if I finally got out of Peach Creek, then had to go back and live with the Smiths again..."

"Kind of like that, yeah," Roy gave a wan smile. "The only satisfaction in it is taking it away from Mom- it's my house now, I'll do what I want with it. All the stuff you used to spout your pure-blood superiority rhetoric bullcrud? Well, now it's Philanthropy's headquarters." Grinning widely, he donned a pair of sunglasses. "Deal with it."

Pulling them off, he sighed. "I don't know... maybe it wouldn't be as bad if I could leave every now and again, do the occasional mission, get my hands dirty... it doesn't have to be some big, prestigious job, anything would do... maybe I could come to your trial, lend a bit of moral support? As a wolf, of course- an odd choice of pet, but people in the smasher world have had weirder!"

Mario's heart lurched. "I was... I was trying to forget..."

"Sorry," Roy apologized quickly. "It's just..."

"It's not your fault," Mario shook his head. "I'm just... I'm scared. Roy... if worst comes to worst... if they find me guilty... can I come back here and live with you?"

Roy lowered his head- a shadow crossed his brow. "You'll have to take that one up with the Hand."

"It'd make me feel better if I knew a guilty verdict wasn't a one-way ticket back to Peach Creek," Mario hinted.

"Those Smiths must be terrible people," Roy noted gloomily, ignorant of the rain woman outside the window who began having fits at the word 'gloomily.' "That this place seems better than going back to them..."

"It's not the place," Mario smiled. "It's the people."

Abruptly, both jumped as the door opened and Uli called in- "Come on down, you two, or there won't be any food left!"

XXXX

Mario was glad to see Roy join in with them in the war against the tapestry room after lunch- due, in no small part, to having more help with all the bizarre things being kept there. The cupboards opened up to a fragment of some ancient artifact that turned any technology on hand into bizarre demonic creatures, a copy of a strange book that seemed to have a human face sewn into the cover, a book blacker than night with three letters imprinted onto the cover: _E.N.D.-_ that Roy warned heavily against opening, and a mask somewhat resembling Link's face wearing war paint that Link couldn't help but try on when they found it, only to transform him into a monstrous being dubbing itself the 'Fierce Deity,' and causing them to spend another large portion of the afternoon stopping him from destroying all life as we know it.

Once everyone got back into the tapestry room, sweating profusely and shooting death glares at a furiously blushing Link, (Mario clutching the mask's ashes in his hand,) their next find was an odd pair of glasses that Mario could _swear_ he'd seen elsewhere before, earpieces folded up next to the lenses. Violating all common sense, Link attempted to unfold the spectacles and place them on his face, but before anyone could stop him, he had given up- no matter how much strength he applied to them, they refused to open up for him. It became a brief game, everyone struggling to be the one who could unfold the glasses and see what secrets they might hold- but nobody could, prompting Roy to simply toss them in the trash bin.

Every now and again, Bana would return, attempting to sneak away with various Reed family mementos. Roy got more and more frustrated every time they caught him at it, eventually furiously ordering him to turn in early that day, which the yoshi did with an absurd amount of reluctance.

As Roy turned, breathing heavily, back into the room, Zelda gave a gasp. "Wow- you make your family out to be such bad people, but look at this- your grandfather, Nergal, won a medal of honor!"

"What for?" Roy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Services to the government," Zelda read from the document included with the shiny medallion.

Roy scoffed. "Let me translate that for ya, Zelda- he bought it with a hefty donation to the people in charge of that stuff."

"Oh..." Zelda's eyes were downcast as she tossed it in the trash along with the glasses.

XXXX

For the most part, this set the tone for the next week or so. Mario was starting to agree with Roy- Wolf referred to this job as cleaning the house to make it sound degrading, but in reality, it was quite a furious war bringing this place into order. Finishing up the tapestry room (with the exception of the Tane-Tane, about which they still weren't sure,) sent them climbing steadily up the stairs, taking one room out at a time. If things weren't difficult enough, the house had a secret agent among their ranks- Bana, who insisted on sneaking in all the time and attempting to make off with various heirlooms. Mario was certain he succeeded on occasion, but for the most part, the only thing he succeeded in was infuriating Roy more and more.

Mario kept an eye out for other members of Philanthropy whenever he could. Some, he recognized, such as Samus Aran, (disguised as a normal muggle businesswoman in a suit that was somehow stranger than her normal attire,) teacher of Transformation at the Smash Mansion and head of Mario's group. In addition was Daisy, head of Hal, Pikachu, of Retro, and Hershell Layton, professor of Archeology and Muggle Relations. For the most part, they were only in for a moment or two before dashing out again on whatever jobs the Master Hand had for them.

Every now and again, a visitor would stay behind to help out a bit- Krystal's blaster was great help in taking down some wels in the attic, and Fox had no trouble chipping in against a bokoblin that got worryingly close to Zelda while her back was turned. At one point, Link took a wrong turn into Purgatorio, a parallel dimension to our own, giving Kamek the chance to redeem himself by diving in after him and apparently fighting off hordes of angels to get him back- though which one contributed the most to said fight varied depending on who one asked.

Strange as it may sound, Mario was happy with this arrangement- it wasn't quite the work against Tabuu he'd been imagining, but at least he was doing _something._ In the in-between moments, however, a lurking fear overcame him- the dread that was the upcoming trial at the government. He had once compared the trials of the Console Games to a monster crouching down in his path, something that he had no chance of surmounting, but _had_ to, if he was to continue living... this actual trial was much, _much_ worse. He had the feeling Link and Zelda wanted to comfort him, but was glad they were abstaining- he didn't think he could handle trying to talk about it.

One day, Mrs. Faron nearly caused him a heart attack by dropping in on him and saying, "I'm washing you a suit for the trial tomorrow- nice and red, just like your tuxedo. Take a nice, thorough shower tonight, okay? You'd be surprised how much good a good first impression can do."

Mario stiffly moved his head up and down in a nod only a few millimeters in each direction. The Faron kids (and Zelda) paused to look over and follow this conversation a bit.

Forcing himself to swallow his mouthful of spaghetti, Mario asked, "H...How'll I be getting there?"

"Rusl's taking you to work with him tomorrow," Uli spoke gently. "Bring a DS or something, you'll have to wait an hour or so before the trial officially starts."

"Well, I _am_ partway through _Professor Layton and the Miracle Mask,"_ Mario smiled wanly- a smile Uli returned.

"That's the ticket."

Mario forced down another bite of spaghetti, then asked, "So... Roy... you coming, too?"

Roy shook his head. "Talked to the Hand about it, he turned me down."

"Really? When?" Mario asked, surprised.

"He was over last night," Uli explained, turning back to the kitchen where a large pot of spaghetti sauce was boiling away.

Mario winced. The night of a trial that could decide his future as a smasher, and even still, the Master Hand didn't bother to talk to him.

 _XXXX_

Sorry about the brief delay for this chapter- a thunderstorm rolled through town a couple days ago, didn't exactly agree with the power lines. A brief word before I end things off- I always knew that, if I really intended to go the whole hog with this series, things would inevitably become darker as they went along, but I am _also_ aware that what drew a lot of people to this series, including myself, was the idea of injecting an oddball sense of humor into all of it. So, while, inevitably, things are going to get darker, and I'm probably going to end up injecting a lot of my own opinions (particularly in regards to politics in this story,) I want to make an agreement with you all right now- if things ever get too dark, or if I'm starting to offend anybody with what vaguely counts as political commentary, let me know, and I'll do everything I can to dial it back. I won't say exactly what made me think about this, but we'll just say that I'm starting to sense I've already offended one or two people, for which I genuinely apologize. Now that that's out of the way, I've got to go pick up my sister. See you guys next time- should be fairly soon! Until then, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	7. House of Cards

Gamer4 in, getting started on this chapter a little early- my 'no-sleeping-allowed' curse strikes again. *Sigh.* This time, I'll go ahead and blame the massive _Fairy Tail_ binge I've been on lately, though, as long-time readers will know, it's been many years since I've actually had a good night's sleep. Vote for Baja Blast, and let's get going.

Disclaimer: On a stormy sea of whirling emotion, tossed about just like a ship on the ocean, I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say-

Chapter VII

House of Cards

 _Mario cracked his eyes open to a room that seemed even bleaker than usual. Gazing around, he saw dust hanging over everything, including a clear inch on Link's bed- currently unoccupied by the swordsman himself. He noticed, as he rose up from the bed, that it was more difficult than it should have been, and when he stood and looked back, he saw why- he'd been wrestling against the remarkably deep indentation his body had made in it- deeper than any indentation he'd seen in any other bed, ever._

" _Mario," spoke a soft voice at the door- he turned to see a stranger there, dressed in Roy's clothing, but much,_ much _too old to be his godfather. "You're finally awake."_

" _The smeg happened, Roy?" he asked. "Where is everybody?"_

" _Everybody's dead, Mario."_

 _Mario could practically hear the guitar riff coming up. "What? Who's dead?"_

" _Everybody, Mario."_

" _The Master Hand?"_

" _Everybody's dead, Mario."_

" _What about Link and Zelda?"_

"Everybody's _dead, Mario."_

" _Peach? Luigi?"_

" _They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Mario."_

" _The twins_ must _be alive, though, right?"_

" _Everybody's_ dead, _Mario," Roy repeated, annoyance beginning to creep into his voice._

" _Surely Fox is still alive, right?"_

" _Holy Wave Existence, no, Fox isn't alive! Everybody's dead!"_

" _Come on, at this point, I'd even take Bowser!"_

" _No, Bowser's dead, too, Mario! Everybody's dead- everybody- is- dead-_ Mario! _"_

" _Wait a minute- are you telling me everyone's dead?!"_

 _Roy anime fell, before slowly forcing himself to his feet. "You know what? Forget it- go back to sleep for another hundred years, why don't you?"_

 _Mario doubled over. "A HUNDRED YEARS?! You've got to be kidding me- I've still got that book I checked out from Ruto, she's gonna kill me!"_

" _She_ can't _kill you!" Roy objected in exasperation. "She's dead- everybody's dead, Mario!"_

" _Then why are you still alive?"_

" _I won't be for long- I forced myself to live up to this point so I could explain it all to you."_

" _You mean... you mean, after this, you're just going to die and leave me alone?"_

" _Not quite," Roy shook his head. "Using our powers, we were able to revive_ one _person in an immortal state to keep you company in the coming eternity- as a hologram." Turning around, he beckoned. "Come on out!"_

 _Mario's jaw dropped at the individual approaching behind Roy. "No... this can't be..."_

 _It was a large, anthropomorphic turtle with spikes on his shell, claws, and horns, his abnormally large, pointy teeth baring in a grin at the shocked pyromancer- the only thing that had changed about him was the strange, metal H imprinted on his forehead. Raising a claw in a stereotypical 'gangster' fashion, he chortled, "Yo, homedawg, gimme yo money, foo!"_

 _Mario staggered backwards towards his bed, a scream welling up inside him. "THIS... ISN'T... REALLY..._ HAPPENING!"

XXXX

Mario sat bolt upright in his bed, sweating up a storm, on the verge of taking his yelling into the waking world before realizing that the room was back to looking only as gloomy as usual- Link was back where he belonged, there was only the usual amount of dust everywhere, and, when he glanced at the bed behind him, it was only the usual imprint expected from a bed of that quality. Sighing, he rubbed his eyes in agitation. "Sometimes, I wonder just how smegged up I actually am..."

He forced himself to his feet- no point trying to get back to sleep after that. As he dressed, he glanced over at Link- the next time he saw him, would he still be a fellow student of the Smash Bros.? No, he couldn't allow himself to think like that...

Given the earliness of the day, he thought he'd be eating alone- not so. He opened the door to the kitchen to find the Faron parents, Fox, Roy, and Krystal all helping themselves to some morning breakfast and light ( _very_ light) conversation. Roy smiled. "Looking sharp, there, Mario."

Mario nervously reached up and tugged at the collar of the blood-red suit Uli had picked out for him.

"Try not to mess it up over breakfast," Uli spoke quickly as she presented him with toast and ginger ale- his default breakfast when he felt like anything else would instantly be evacuated via vomit.

"Hope you had a good night," Krystal gave a weary smile- she herself had rings around her eyes.

"Aside from a weird dream," Mario shrugged off. "Better than Gamer4's night, at least."

"What makes you say that?"

"The fact that he's over there, blibbering his lips and smacking himself repeatedly over the head with a hammer."

Krystal glanced around and gave a surprised jump when she saw that it was exactly as Mario had described. Under the intense scrutiny of everyone in the room, Gamer4 responded magnificently- by crossing to the nearby wall and smacking his head against it repeatedly, chanting, "Error, error, error, error..."

"So, you say you have news for us to pass on to Gordon?" Fox asked.

"Oh, right," Krystal shook her surprise off. "He needs to watch his step, is what I was going to say- Big Boss is keeping his eye out for anyone associating with the Hand..."

"You doing okay, Mario?" Rusl asked gently, touching his surrogate son on the shoulder. Mario gave a horribly forced nod. Rusl gave a small smile of understanding. "There's nothing to worry about- this time tomorrow, you'll be wondering what was so frightening to begin with."

Adopting a more businesslike manner, he continued. "Alright, so... the trial will be held in one of the higher-up courtrooms- pretty small, as courtrooms go, this _is_ a small offense, after all. Justice Mia Fey's presiding- she was a defense attorney herself, back in the day."

"Not to say she'll be throwing the trial to you automatically," Krystal put in, "she _does_ care about justice... but, of course, that means the truth'll out and she'll be giving you a Not Guilty verdict anyways."

"Indeed," Rusl nodded his agreement. "The prosecutor will be Miles Edgeworth."

"I hear he's pretty fair," Roy spoke up. "Remarkably harsh on crime, yes, but he always reserves judgement until he's certain the person he's being harsh on actually _has_ committed a crime."

"Yeah... I know the guy, he's pretty good," Mario threw up the old cowboy gesture.

"I know you like your hat, too," Uli put in, "but perhaps you should keep it in your pocket for now- given the circumstances and charges against you, you know?"

"Right," Mario shrugged, removing his treasured cap from his head and stuffing it into his pocket. His head felt naked without it.

"And perhaps we should consider shaving that moustache of yours..."

"No," Mario said firmly- he didn't care what was at stake, _nothing_ was worth shaving his 'stache.

"Got your 3DS?" Rusl asked- Mario produced it from a pocket, _Fire Emblem: Awakening_ loaded and ready to go. "Good- we're going to be getting there a little early."

"Everything's going to be okay," Krystal spoke up again.

"Just stick to the facts, and there's no legal grounds for conviction," Fox agreed.

"And if, by some coincidence, Mia _still_ finds you guilty," Roy gave a mischievous smirk, "then she and my statue of _The Thinker_ will have a date- a very _close_ date, if you know what I mean."

Mario summoned a weak smile for his godfather's face, but it vanished as Rusl led him through the house and out onto the streets of Silent Hill.

Meanwhile, Gamer4 was still bashing his head against the wall. "Error, error, _error, error,_ ERROR! ERROR! ERROR, SMEGGERS, EEEEEEERRRRRRRROOOOOOOORRRRRRR!"

"SHUT UP!" Uli burst out, in the exact fashion of Smosh. "Can somebody please help me tie this guy up?!"

A few moments later, Gamer4 had been tied up and tossed in the corner with a hat folded out of a newspaper sitting on top of his head. Even still, he was rocking back and forth, chanting, "They're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha... They're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away, ho ho, hee hee, ha ha..."

XXXX

"I guess this'll be my first time seeing the government offices before," Mario mused. "I've never even been to Fourside."

"Honestly, it'll be a first for me, too," Rusl admitted, throwing a glance at Mario. "I usually just teleport to work, but you don't exactly have your license. I mean, it's possible to bring someone along with you when you teleport, but again, given the charges... that might not be the best idea."

"Yeah, I see where you're coming from," Mario nodded. "So, how _are_ we getting there?"

"A bus to Fourside- it's not too overwhelmingly far- then a subway to the visitor's entrance."

The nearest bus-stop was still quite a walk away- through a creepy forest consumed by fog- but they had the good fortune to arrive just in time to catch the Grey Hand bus and offer up the fare for a lift to Fourside- though, as ever, Mario had to assist Rusl in sorting through the greenbacks, long left behind by the smasher world as a form of currency. It reminded Mario strongly of several years ago, when he'd been taken on a bus to the smasher town of Twisted Lane by the Crazy Hand, wildlife manager at the Smash Mansion and a close friend of his. Rusl was a _little_ better- he, at the very least, didn't seem to have unfiltered caffeine for blood- but he was still overexcited about everything, every little difference between the world of smashers and the world of muggles. Not that Mario was complaining- if anything, it was nice to have something to smile about that morning...

It didn't take long for a large city to come up over the horizon. Across a desert, through a pair of tunnels connected by a suspension bridge, and Rusl was smiling, "Welcome, Mario, to the city of Fourside!"

Mario's jaw dropped- Seattle, Shanghai, Tokyo, London, Paris, New York, Berlin be _smegged- this_ was the grandest city he'd ever seen in his life. Sky-flung monoliths of buildings seemed to be the norm- even a run-down old café nearby had several more floors than seemingly necessary. A bakery he spied out of the corner of his eye seemed to take the form a grand mansion- much less grand, of course, than the _Smash_ Mansion, but still. The sights and sounds were almost magical- he could almost hear an awesome-sounding song playing constantly over everything, possibly from the nearby Topolla theater.

The bus screeched to a halt, and Rusl ushered Mario off, guiding him to a nearby map of the city. "Okay, if I remember everything correctly, we need to go this way..."

As enamored as Mario instantly found himself with this city, he couldn't help but notice an unusual feature of the streets as Rusl guided him along- the way the streets were set up were a tad... diagonal. Not just that they seemed that way from a birds-eye view, literally, the way they were designed, the way the lines were drawn, even the way the cars were driving along it all gave the impression that the streets of Fourside were on a sort of... slant.

He was just musing about this when Rusl spoke up- "And here we are!"

Mario looked up to see the tallest, grandest building in the city... and to find Rusl steering him off to the side, towards a museum.

"Um... Mr. Faron? Are you sure this is the right place?" Mario couldn't help but ask at this unexpected development.

"Oh, yeah, we just need to go through to the back..."

Mario blinked but followed along anyways, until they found a man next to a wall, head snoozing against his chest. A nametag identified him as Mr. Spoon.

"Spoon!" Rusl raised his voice.

"What? Oh, Rusl, it's you."

"Want to open up the door for us? We have business in the offices today."

Mr. Spoon examined them closely. "Alright... give me the password, and I'll let you through."

Rusl sighed, before reciting a strange poem- "Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze. That's what made these three free fleas sneeze."*

"Alright, head on in," Mr. Spoon nodded, smacking a certain spot on the wall, opening up a secret passageway for them to walk through. "And take this," he added to Mario, producing a badge for him. Mario glanced down at it. _Mario Mario- Trial._

"How did you know who I was?" he asked.

"Everyone and their dog does," Mr. Spoon shrugged.

Mario shook his head and followed Rusl into the passage.

It was only a short walk, up a slight incline, and through an open door before they found themselves in yet another place prompting Mario's jaw to drop.

Where they'd managed to hide this place, Mario couldn't fathom- they were standing in a hall greater even than anything he'd seen at the Smash Mansion- everything was made of sleek, polished wood. Much like the Smash Mansion, light seemed to be coming from everywhere and nowhere, all at once. There were alcoves set up along the walls, inside of which were large, orange metal pipes, continually spouting smasher after smasher into their workplace. At the far end was a grand circle, surrounded by what Mario could only guess were elevators, in the center of which was a gigantic fountain, the highlight of which seemed to be the statue erected in the middle. It depicted two smashers, one male, one female, surrounded by a yoshi, a goomba, and a creature of stone he recognized as a goron. The man had long hair covering up one of his eyes, dressed in dark robes, gazing around the hall with his uncovered eye. The woman, meanwhile- or a girl, Mario realized- she couldn't be older than thirteen- had long, green hair that came down to the ground behind her, a small pair of wings protruding from her head, a pair of green eyes, and a bright, cheery smile.

Glancing into the water as they passed, Mario saw what he'd expected- at the bottom of the pool were glistening piles of coins, red, blue, and gold, alongside the perfectly symmetrical gems known as rupees. Glancing up, he saw a passing smasher- a large, scruffy-looking man wearing stereotypical detective's clothes, from the trench coat to the bandages on his face- reach into his pocket and toss a couple blue coins in. Glancing at a sign on the side, he read,

 _Any money found in the fountain at the end of the day will be sent to Umbrella Hospital._

 _Please help them- we know they've got a bad rep, but at the end of the day, they've taken the Hippocratic Oath just like any other hospital._

 _Alright, Wave Existence, I'll make you a deal,_ Mario thought desperately in his head. _Get me off at the trial today, and I'll throw in forty gold coins. Come on, forty gold coins! That's as many as four tens! And that's wonderful... right?_

"Over here, Mario!" Rusl raised his voice, attracting him over to where a man was sitting behind a desk, flicking through a copy of the Fourside Tribune.

Lowering his paper, the man asked, "What can I do for you?"

Mario blinked. "Aren't you the guy who opened up the visitors' entrance for us?"

"What are you talking about?" the man asked. "I have nothing to do with that Spoon guy- I'm Mr. Fork, proud member of the government's security force!"

Mario shook his head- he could say what he wanted, but the two men looked identical to him.

"Anyways," Mr. Fork muttered agitatedly, "produce your power controller, if you please."

Mario pulled his hat out of his pocket and placed it on a desk. Mr. Fork produced a scanner, ran it up and down the cap, then examined what seemed to be the results. "Hmm... red cap, used primarily for pyromancy over the past four years, given the power of a Ho-oh... to your knowledge, all that is correct?"

"Yup," Mario nodded.

"Alright... well, take it back and move along, then," Mr. Fork returned to his paper. Mario shrugged as he returned his beloved headgear to his pocket and followed Rusl to one of the elevators. It opened up, and Rusl ushered Mario in- along with quite a few other people. Good thing smasher elevators were bigger on the inside- Mario would hate to think how squashed they'd all be otherwise.

Rusl greeted several people as the elevator began moving. Seeing one man with a box, he spoke up- "Hey, Bronson, whatcha got there?"

"Another chimaera," the man, well-muscled with black hair, sighed. "Just when we think we've documented all these things, this one shows up- and it's a nasty one. A firefly."

"Aren't fireflies a natural animal?" Rusl raised his eyebrows.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than there was a high screeching noise, and a burst of fire came out of a hole in the box, nearly singing Mario as he ducked for safety, reaching up to grab his hat as it lingered in the air, cartoon-style.

"Just take my word for it," Bronson mumbled.

The elevator had been going up for a while before it stopped, a mysterious voice speaking the words, "Floor 46: Sports department, including offices for all Smash-Up teams in our country of- (the words fizzled out, only to be restored a moment later,) - applications for live chess and Monopoly matches, and the duel monsters administration office."

Mario blinked as the doors opened and several people stepped out- only to be replaced by even more.

The elevator began to descend- after a minute or so, it stopped. The voice declared, "Floor 35- Department of Transportation, including overseers of the Warp Zone Network, kart and whir-gate legislation, and test center for teleportation."

More smashers stepped out, but as with HYDRA, for every head that was cut off, two more took their place. More elevator movement, this time in an upwards direction.

"Floor 38: Department of International Relations- Embassies for other countries and other planets can be found on this floor, as well as the office of ambassadors of our own."

You know the drill by now- some people left, many more boarded. Further movement of the elevator. "Floor 30: Department of Nature and Wildlife, including divisions for pokemon, wildlife from Bionis, Mechonis, and other outer planets, and the goomba embassy."

Away went some, back came many more. Down they went. "Floor 25: Governmental response team, including for natural disasters, violence against women, and violence against m...uggles."

Mario breathed a sigh of relief- the only smashers left once everyone on this floor had done their business (not like that, you sicko,) were him, Rusl, and- to his surprise- Gordon Freeman. As the elevator began descending again, Rusl and Gordon struck up a conversation. "So, Rusl, how have things been going as of late?"

"Ah, you know, nothing special," Rusl shrugged.

Mario opened his mouth, only for Gordon to silence him with a rather frightening flash of his glasses- though his expression itself remained unchanged. Speaking under his breath, he muttered, "There are ears everywhere..."

Speaking up a little louder, he said, "We need more information on that rapscallion, Roy Alluvia. He's committed a crime even more serious than what we thought."

"What's that?" Rusl asked.

"Plagiarism. He could have had any vehicle in the first chapter of this series, but he chose to have a flying motorcycle, just like in the source material. If we can get this through your department, we'll be able to come down hard on him."

"Assuming, of course, that you find him first," Rusl noted.

"True, true," Gordon nodded. "At any rate, I'll need these papers filled out and returned to me ASAP, alright?" He produced a pile of papers that was conspicuously too large to be just the papers Gordon was referring to. Rusl rummaged through them to find a copy of a magazine apparently known asthe _Alcamoth Times._

"Methinks Strider will find something in there to interest him," Gordon whispered, a small smile on his face.

Rusl shrugged and spoke up. "I'll see what I can do, but I'm afraid we have some things on our plate at the moment a tad more serious than copyright claims."

At that moment, the elevator came to a halt once more. "Floor 13: Law Enforcement. Here will you find the headquarters of the Hunters' Division, the offices of the High Court, and courtrooms for minor smashing mishaps."

Rusl, Mario, and Gordon all left the elevator behind, striding down a hall until Gordon took a different path from them. "Well, this is where I leave you," he said, turning to follow a sign that read _Hunters' Division_. "Good luck," he added quietly to Mario, giving a wink hidden from the camera by his glasses. Mario made an indistinct sound in the back of his throat.

Rusl turned and guided Mario in the opposite direction, up to a door that was labeled, _Department of Muggle Items Misusage._

"That's a stupid name," Mario couldn't help but comment.

"Yeah," Rusl admitted. "We've been lobbying for a new one for years, but it's not _that_ important an issue compared to funding being directed elsewhere, so we always find ourselves at the end of that line..."

Mario was taken aback- Rusl's office seemed less like an office and more like a closet someone had stuck a desk in. Clearly, whoever had made this decision didn't have the best outlook on those choosing this profession. "Could they have made it a little more cramped? I can still blink."

"We actually had a bigger office a while back," Rusl recalled. "Not super-large, we were still lobbying for a bigger one, and old Olimar almost seemed keen to follow through on it... but then Andrew Ryan took the helm, and he actually made it even _smaller..._ "

Rusl struggled to get behind his desk and sit down. Mario took a nearby guest chair and opened up his 3DS, only pausing to listen as Rusl chuckled, "Oh, yeah, Strider'll get a kick out of that one, alright."

However, before Mario could start up a single battle, he and Rusl were distracted by the thud of sprinting footsteps outside the door. They looked up in surprise as it crashed open, revealing a well-muscled man in knight-style armor, including a helmet hiding his hair.

"Ah, Eagus!" Rusl greeted him. "Mario, this is Eagus, my-"

"No time for that, Rusl!" Eagus interrupted, speaking through his own panting. "I've been looking for you everywhere- I sent an albatross, but I thought I should hunt you down, just to be sure-"

"Calm down, breath, and tell me what's going on," Rusl spoke gently.

"Oh, of course," Eagus took a deep breath, let it out, and began speaking in a much calmer voice. "Okay... here's what I just found out. They changed the time and place of Mario Mario's trial- it's starting at eight, now, and it's going on down in old courtroom 3."

"Co... courtroom 3?" Rusl asked blankly. "Eight o'clock?"

Moving jerkily, he looked down at his watch, before letting out a bloodcurdling screech. "Run, Mario, run! Eight o'clock was five minutes ago!"

Mario leapt to his feet and followed Rusl as he sprinted down the hall towards the elevator, his 3DS left behind on the desk.

"Why... why would they do that?" Mario gasped as they rushed down towards a- thankfully empty- elevator. "Change the time?"

"Only the Wave Existence knows at this point," Rusl shook his head. "It's just good we got here early- who knows what they'd have done if..."

Mario didn't need him to finish his sentence. They entered the elevator, which, thank the Wave Existence, was still empty, and Rusl began slamming on the button on the very bottom. Someone else attempted to enter, but Rusl's head suddenly took on the form of a dragon, belching flame as he roared, "FIND ANOTHER ELEVATOR!" scaring them off as he continued slamming against that little round button.

Finally, the doors closed and the elevator began its descent, Rusl jumping up and down as if it would make it go down faster.

Finally, the elevator opened, the voice identifying their floor simply as, "SCP Foundation." Mario was on the verge of wondering where those elaborate explanations had gone when Rusl grabbed his arm and dragged him forward past a man in a suit, with grey-to-white hair, wearing a large pair of square spectacles. The only words Rusl had for him were, "Hi, Turner, bye, Turner!" before he was dragging Mario down a dark set of stairs.

"Why not take the elevator directly there?" Mario wondered.

"They don't even go down this far!" Rusl explained quickly. "No time, no time, we've got, got, got, got no time!"

As they continued tearing down the halls, he seemingly couldn't help himself- "We're late, we're late, for a very important date! No time to say hello, goodbye! We're late, we're late, we're late!"

"Ah, Mr. Faron," spoke a nearby peacock of a man, stepping right into their way. Mario didn't even have the time to identify who it was before Rusl had plowed right through him.

"No, no, no, no, no, we're overdue! We're very in a stew! No time to say goodbye, hello, we're late, we're late, we're late!"

Numbers were flashing by on the doors now- Nine... six... four...

"Three!" Rusl gasped, finally releasing Mario for a fit of wild cackling. "Three, three, courtroom three! We made it! Hahahaha!"

"Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine, my boy, I'll be fine... just head on in..."

"Aren't you going to-"

"No, no, I have no place in there... I'll just be catching my breath out here... may Faron smile upon you..."

Let's just say that the long sprint here wasn't the only reason Mario's heart was racing as he opened up the door and stepped inside.

 _XXXX_

*If anyone can actually say this one out loud... power to you. Great power to you- I specifically chose this one because it's the part of _Fox in Socks_ I could _never_ say. Ever.

Kind of a short chapter today- I'll get right on the next one, but it still might take a bit. Before we end off, we've got some questions from Feline Within!

Q: Kurain Village is from Ace Attorney, right? A: Yup, sure is!

Q: Aren't you thinking of Boshi? A: Actually, no I'm not- I'm kind of playing havoc with fandoms again. Bana isn't from the Mario universe, he's actually a character from Xenoblade- and, as such, wasn't actually a yoshi. In fact, he was a nopon who held great significance during a certain sidequest chain. Yeah, again, playing some havoc with canon, but I hope you guys can accept it nonetheless.

Alright, that's all for now! The next chapter could be up anywhere from tomorrow to Saturday, though sooner would be preferable to later- one of my favorite parts coming up! Also, I guess this is the last chapter of me holding Umbridge's identity over anyone... *sigh*... I guess nothing can last forever... anyways, forget that, see you guys later, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	8. Turnabout Pyromancer

Gamer4 in. To clarify what I was talking about last chapter (i.e., vote Baja Blast,) Mountain Dew is holding yet another vote between multiple flavors to determine which one people like better- Baja Blast or Pitch Black (or maybe it was Black Label- can't remember off the top of my head.) Enter me encouraging people to vote Baja Blast because, while Pitch Black _is_ a good flavor... it's no Baja Blast. Of course, maybe you guys have a different opinion, but whatcha gonna do- this _is_ a _dew_ mocracy, after all! ... I don't actually take credit for that pun, Pepsi does. Alright, before I embarrass myself any further, let's get started.

Disclaimer: Carry on, my wayward son! There'll be peace when you are done! Lay your weary head to rest- don't you cry no more!

Chapter VIII

Turnabout Pyromancer

Mario had already been expecting his jaw to drop when he crossed this door's threshold- he didn't know what would cause it, but he was pretty much certain that it was going to happen, so when his jaw did, indeed, drop, his hand was already there to catch it.

He didn't know what he'd been imagining when they mentioned courtrooms beneath the government offices, but it certainly hadn't been this. He knew this place- he'd seen it before- he'd _been_ here before.

The previous year, he'd been sitting in the Master Hand's office, checking the validity of his skittle bowl, when he came across a rather interesting book in the Hand's possession. And no, we're not implying anything- insinuated porn jokes are _so_ Bottle of Lightning. Anyways, upon opening the strange book, he'd discovered it was actually a portal into the Hand's memories- a grossly oversimplified explanation, but it'll do for now- maybe we'll get a better one in twenty chapters or so.

In said memories, he had fallen into a courtroom used years and years ago by the government of smashing to try suspected starmen- and it was in one of those very courtrooms that he now stood. It looked almost exactly the same as he remembered it, from the polished wooden walls, floors, and benches to the accused's chair, right next to the defense's bench, the finely kept witness stand, the galleries raised above, the Judge's chair that loomed high above the rest...

"I am glad to see you finally saw fit to grace us with your presence," came a cold voice from the direction of the prosecutor's bench. Recognizing it, Mario closed his eyes and turned. Sure enough, standing behind said bench was not Miles Edgeworth, but the tall, cold, stereotypical businessman, Andrew Ryan, current president of the smashers. Next to him, looming in shadow that shouldn't logically exist in the brightly lit chamber, was someone who seemed to be his assistant- but before Mario could take in this person's visage, his eyes were already racing to another nearby seat, where there was a robot with a notepad in hand- none other than the missing Faron brother, Rob.

"I... I'm sorry," Mario forced. "We didn't... we didn't know about... about the change..."

"Irrelevant," Andrew scoffed. "In other trials, this flagrant disregard for procedure would be grounds for an instant guilty verdict- as such, I move-"

"Calm yourself, Mr. Ryan," came a cool female voice from the Judge's seat- Mario glanced up to see who he could only guess was the 'Mia Fey' he'd been hearing so much about- she greatly resembled Maya Fey, a student from Hal at the Smash Mansion- they even wore a similar pendant around their necks. But where Maya wore odd clothing that caught the eye of anyone she passed by, Mia was dressed in the traditional Judge's robes.

"To begin with, this is most certainly _not_ an ordinary trial," she continued. "The defendant has yet to come of age, for one. And considering the magnitude and... _abruptness_ of these changes, the court is willing to overlook his tardiness." Mario couldn't be sure, but he thought he detected a note of suspicion in the elder Fey's voice- she clearly thought something was up with this sudden change- though such a conclusion was hardly difficult to come to in the first place. "That said, if the defendant could please take his seat at this time..."

Mario nodded and hurried over to the defendant's chair. He eyed the chains nervously- in the aforementioned flashback, they'd been quick to bind whoever took this seat- but this time, they did not stir.

"Alright, let's get this started," Mia banged her gavel. "All rise for the trial of Mario M. Mario vs. the State- overseen by Mia Fey, prosecuted by President Andrew Ryan and his assistant, Fassad Yokuba-"

"And to be defended by one Master Charles Hand," spoke a voice from the door- everyone spun around to see a tall man making his way in- Mario recognized him as the human form of the Master Hand, though dressed in clothing he'd never seen before- he'd taken the trouble of procuring a blue suit, complete with red tie, and styling his hair in a bizarre fashion- it was all gelled in spikes towards the back of his head- it was almost like a hedgehog had taken up residence there. The only bit of clothing he retained from his normal human form was the white glove that rested on his right hand.

The court began to mutter and mumble amongst themselves- even Mia looked surprised. Reactions were varied, from furious to simply annoyed, from nervous to flat-out terrified... but there were some who looked genuinely happy to see the Hand making his entrance. Once the shock wore off, Mia definitely fell into that last category- whereas, once a brief ( _exceedingly_ brief) bolt of shock had crossed Andrew Ryan's face, he reworked it into one of composure.

"Sorry I'm late, everyone," the Master Hand apologized as he crossed to the defense's bench. "I was trading some fashion tips with my brother, and lost track of the time."

"We're just thankful you received our message about the changes made to the trial," Mia shrugged warmly.

"Honestly, I didn't even realize such a message was sent," the Master Hand responded. "The truth is, Nick's clock is three hours fast- when I saw how 'late' I was, I rushed off to the offices without further adieu- and here I am."

"He really should get that fixed," Mia chuckled.

"So I keep telling him," the Master Hand nodded.

"I'm sure we're all very entertained," Ryan spoke up, "but I believe we have a trial to be attending to, so why don't we-"

"Of course, of course," Mia waved him off dismissively. "Very well- if you could give us an overview of the case, Mr. Ryan?"

"About time," Ryan scoffed. "The details of the case are as follows- that young Mr. Mario did knowingly- and fully aware of the legal ramifications of such actions- utilize a final smash in the town of Peach Creek, a primarily muggle-inhabited area, in the presence of a muggle. In addition to breaking our code of secrecy, this constitutes a clear violation of law regarding youthful smashers, who are not to use their powers outside of school until they have attained an age and level of education capable of handling such responsibility."

"I see," Mia nodded. "Anything to add, Mr. Hand?"

The Master Hand rose, along with Mario's heart- surely this was where the Hand was going to turn everything around-

"No objections at this time, your honor."

And there went his heart. Quickly, he brushed it aside- no matter, no matter, the Master Hand surely had _something_ up his sleeve- he even actually _had_ sleeves at the moment...

"So you admit to it?" Ryan asked, his eyes cold enough to pierce Mario's heart. "You admit to utilizing your powers in such a reckless fashion?"

Mario's voice caught in his throat. The Master Hand nodded. "We do, indeed, acknowledge that this event occurred."

"Wait," Mia spoke up. "The defendant is capable of utilizing a final smash?"

Mario blinked as he glanced up at her- she seemed genuinely intrigued. "Yeah, I learned how to do it a couple years back."

"Interesting," Mia mused. "And this is a full final smash- not some half-baked attack that's only slightly above average, that is, a _true_ expression of the power within you?"

"I gues... if that's what you want to call it," Mario shrugged- he was starting to feel somewhat wrong-footed. "I summon a column of fire, and then there's an eagle that forms out of it- it's always worked that way, I don't know-"

"By which you imply that this isn't the first time you've done such a thing," Mia smiled. "Impressive, very impressive- I don't think even Nick managed a full final smash until-"

"OBJECTION!" came Andrew Ryan's cold voice. "This is irrelevant to the case at hand- if anything, it only makes the offense worse! In such an area, he risked causing serious damage to the secrecy that we dedicate our lives to upholding!"

Mario was getting more and more agitated as Ryan spoke, but the straw that absolutely _destroyed_ the horse's back was when he saw Rob's crud-eating nod- the closest the robot could get to a crud-eating grin. "I only did it because of the floows!" Mario burst out.

He'd expected this to lead to more muttering among the gallery, to be quelled only by the banging of Mia's gavel, but if anything, the silence that arose at this statement was among the heaviest, most deafening silences he'd ever heard in his life. Finally, Mia was the next to speak. "Floows, you say? I don't suppose you'd care to... expound on that statement at all?"

"A fine idea indeed, your honor," the Master Hand inclined his head slightly. "The defense moves for Mario Mario to take the stand himself and testify, thus granting us his own perspective on the events of that night."

"Very well," Mia nodded. "Mario Mario, if you would take the stand..."

"Just tell it like it is, Mario," the Master Hand whispered as Mario approached the witness stand, gazing nervously around the myriad faces staring down at him.

"This should be good," Ryan scoffed.

Mario gave one last gulp, and began.

XXXX

 _ **WITNESS TESTIMONY**_

 _I was on the way home from a pizza joint- I was investigating it as part of a job request from... well, I've been doing some work this summer, let's leave it at that._

 _On the way home, I ran into my cousin- who is already fully aware of the smasher world, just throwing that out there- and we decided to take a shortcut home through a dark alley._

 _Halfway through, everything started getting dark and cold- he could feel it, too. It was like a great, black blanket had been thrown over the sky._

 _This wasn't my first run-in with floows, so I had a good idea of what was going on. When I saw them coming, there was really only one thing for me to do, wasn't there?_

 _Yes, I know underage smashers aren't supposed to use their powers- least of all around muggles- but given that Bill already knows about smashers, and given that our souls were in danger, I think it was kind of justified._

"I see, I see," Mia nodded. "The law does, indeed, have provisions for smashers who are placed in dangerous situations..."

"I wouldn't jump to any conclusions yet, Ms. Fey," Ryan spoke up. "I have yet to cross-examine him, after all."

Mia sighed. "Very well- you may cross-examine the witness, Mr. Ryan."

XXXX

 _ **REBUTTAL**_

 _I was on the way home from a pizza joint- I was investigating it as part of a job request from... well, I've been doing some work this summer, let's leave it at that._

"HOLD IT!" Ryan bellowed, the words appearing in a jagged stamp. "The prosecution believes any activities the accused has been performing this summer may be vital to this case- why so quick to hide where you've been working, hmmm?"

"I just have a sneaking suspicion you wouldn't believe me," Mario shrugged. "If you absolutely _insist_ on knowing, I guess I can tell you, but I really don't think it has anything to do with the case..."

Mia nodded her agreement. "It is not this court's place to judge where the defendant has been working during the summer- there is no law prohibiting it."

Mario gave a sigh of relief- ducked the bullet on that one. He quietly rubbed the image of a flaming wing imprinted just over his heart- if the government had such a hard time believing Tabuu was back, there was no telling how they'd react to his 'summer internship' as he liked to think of it...

 _On the way home, I ran into my cousin- who is already fully aware of the smasher world, just throwing that out there- and we decided to take a shortcut home through a dark alley._

 _Halfway through, everything started getting dark and cold- he could feel it, too. It was like a great, black blanket had been thrown over the sky._

"OBJECTION!" Ryan bellowed once more- though this time, a slight smile was crossing his face. "I see. Convenient, isn't it, that two floows happened to be in the area at that time?"

"I didn't think it was convenient," Mario shook his head. "And Bill sure as hell didn't, either."

"But it _is_ convenient," Ryan shook his own head. "Muggles are incapable of sensing floows, as I'm sure everyone knows, and considering the lack of smashing blood within Peach Creek, you've woven a rather unfalsifiable alibi for yourself. So, if the defense has no witnesses of somewhat better repute, I move for a swift end to this-"

"OBJECTION!" came the Master Hand's voice, loud and clear, his finger out and pointing directly across the room. "It just so happens, Mr. Ryan, that the defense _does_ have another witness to call, and while we _could_ summon Bill Smith, I am certain that a subpoena to a smasher court is the last thing the boy needs right now- we will call on him only as a last resort. Instead, I have another source within Peach Creek who was present for the night's events."

Andrew Ryan shook his head. "Your honor, we are pressed for time- surely you see that any more testimony in this case is unnecessary..."

Mia shook her head. "As a keeper of law and order in the smasher world, Mr. Ryan, it is my duty to hear from any and all sources so that the best course of action is always the one taken. Mr. Hand, you may call your witness, so long as Mr. Ryan can offer no good reason why you should not."

Ryan floundered for a moment, then returned to his composure. "Very well, let us hear the best that the Hand can summon..."

"The court is glad to find you so cooperative," Mia noted dryly. "I call for a brief recess during which I expect Mr. Hand to prepare his wit-"

"With all due respect, Ms. Fey, the witness is already fully prepared and ready to testify," the Master Hand interrupted. "As Mr. Ryan has said, time is of the essence- the defense moves for an immediate testimony."

"Very well," Mia raised an eyebrow, looking somewhat taken aback. "Who is this witness?"

The Master Hand cleared his throat. "The defense calls... Leroy Jenkins to the stand!"

Mario cringed as a deafening voice made itself heard from the hallway- "Leeeeeeeerooooooyyyyyyyyyy... JEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNKIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNS!"

The door crashed open, revealing the man himself behind it, charging in like a bull. "I'm here to tell the whole story, exactly like it happened! I don't want no charades of justice going on in _my_ country- when my comrades were dying face-down in the mud in 'Nam, they weren't fighting for-"

"That's quite enough, witness," Mia interrupted. "If you could simply state your name and occupation for the court..."

Mario winced again- Mia had no idea who she was dealing with. Sure enough... "I'm an ex-soldier who fought in _all_ the great wars- I stormed Normandy along with all the allies at D-Day, I personally tore down the Berlin Wall, and half the guerrillas who died in 'Nam have me to thank- I'm LEEEEEEEROOOOOOOYYYYYY... JEEEEEEEEENKIIIIIIIINNNNNNNS!"

"The court will have to run a check on those claims," Mia muttered. "Now, the thing that confuses me is that the records show that no smashers live in Peach Creek except for the boy on trial now- Mario Mario. Unless you _are_ Mario Mario demonstrating disguise capabilities worthy of Don Paolo himself, would you care to explain...?"

"It's true, it's true, I don't have an ounce of smasher blood in me," Jenkins admitted, "but I got all the heart I need, right here! Besides, my mommy and daddy _were_ smashers- smashers as far back in my family tree as I know, I just happened to draw the short end of the genetic stick! Not that it matters, when I plunged right into all those wars and took down-"

"Yes, yes, we get the picture," Mia interrupted again. "However, this raises another question, at least in my mind- are scrubs actually capable of seeing floows?"

"We sure as hell are!" Jenkins nodded vehemently. "Daddy taught me from a young age how to deal with them- take out a machine gun, pump 'em full of lead until you're out, reload, do it again! More dakka, more dakka!"

"I believe I will be more familiar with this witness by the end of this trial than I ever wanted to be," Mia muttered, her face in her hand. "Nonetheless, if his testimony will lead us towards justice, so be it. If you could begin your testimony at this time..."

"'Course I can!" Jenkins bellowed. "It any surprise to you anymore?! There's no challenge I can't meet- I'm-"

"Leroy Jenkins, yes, we get it," Mia sighed.

XXXX

 _ **WITNESS TESTIMONY**_

 _I was on my way home from the army munitions store when I got sidetracked by some 'Give Peace a Chance' rally goin' on at the tail end o' Peach Creek! I couldn't let that pass- I had to tell 'em all about what it was_ really _like back in 'Nam!_

 _Eventually, we were all sitting around, watchin' Forrest Gump together, when I realized I was runnin' late- I had nothing to be doing back at home- and you never put nothing off! I have_ no _patience for people who keep me from doing nothing- I'm LEEEEEEEROOOOOOOYYYYY... JEEEEENKIIIIIIIINNNNNNS!_

 _So by the time I was on my way home, the sun was goin' down, and I decided I oughtta take a shortcut through a dark alley when I see a coupla floows comin' down on a coupla boys._

 _One of them hit the ground hard- reminded me of the war! The floows were comin' down on them, woulda got 'em, too, 'cept that boy over there, Mario- he summoned up this great big beam o' fire, sent 'em runnin' for the hills!_

 _This kid's a hero, saved himself and his cousin from those critters, and you're sitting here, calling him a_ criminal?! _That's a serious affront to justice, if my name isn't-_

"OBJECTION!" came the customary cry- not from Ryan or the Master Hand this time around, but from Mia herself. "That's quite enough, witness- we've got the gist. So, Mr. Ryan, if you'd like to cross-examine the witness...

XXXX

 _ **REBUTTAL**_

 _I was on my way home from the army munitions store when I got sidetracked by some 'Give Peace a Chance' rally goin' on at the tail end o' Peach Creek! I couldn't let that pass- I had to tell 'em all about what it was_ really _like back in 'Nam!_

 _Eventually, we were all sitting around, watchin' Forrest Gump together, when I realized I was runnin' late- I had nothing to be doing back at home- and you never put nothing off! I have_ no _patience for people who keep me from doing nothing- I'm LEEEEEEEROOOOOOOYYYYY... JEEEEENKIIIIIIIINNNNNNS!_

 _So by the time I was on my way home, the sun was goin' down, and I decided I oughtta take a shortcut through a dark alley when I see a coupla floows comin' down on a coupla boys._

"HOLD IT!" came Ryan's burst. "What did they look like?"

"Well, there was this tub o' lard that looked like the Hindenburg swallowed the Titanic," Jenkins recalled, "and then there was the boy in red- he was backin' away at first, but-"

"Not the boys," Ryan responded coldly. "What did the _floows_ look like?"

"Well, why weren't ya more specific from the beginning?" Jenkins asked scathingly. "They were like these big men made o' darkness- strips of darkness, almost like a mummy."

"Like... a... mummy," Ryan responded in an impressive deadpan, to some rather unkind laughs around the room. "You're absolutely _certain_ you saw these things?"

"Dang sure- sure as I am Mario smacked one of 'em right in the lips!"

Another bolt of laughter around the room, and Mario cringed- floows didn't have lips...

"I see," Ryan shook his head. "You say Mario was backing away... which direction was he going?"

"Backwards," Jenkins scoffed. "Funnily enough, I think that boy always goes backwards when he's backin' away!"

Another ruffle of laughter around the room, but this time, the shoe was on the other foot- Ryan's cheeks turned the slightest shade of red as he realized what a dumb question that had been. "And... you say he hit the floows on the lips..." Clearly, he was struggling to turn things around again.

"Yeah, but I don't think he was aimin' for 'em, though," Jenkins acknowledged.

"Then what _was_ he aiming for?"

"The _other_ floow's lips," Jenkins demonstrated an interesting amount of snark for his usual personality.*

Ryan pursed his lips as he heard laughter coursing around the room once more. "Very well, you may continue with your testimony."

 _One of them hit the ground hard- reminded me of the war! The floows were comin' down on them, woulda got 'em, too, 'cept that boy over there, Mario- he summoned up this great big beam o' fire, sent 'em runnin' for the hills!_

"HOLD IT!" Ryan again. "Just to assure ourselves that anything you say can be taken seriously, could you go into more detail about what, exactly, these floows did?"

"Well, I first started sensin' 'em a ways off," Jenkins recalled. "It started as this chill... then it got deep... I was frozen to my bones, and this feelin' came over me... I was starting to feel... depressed. Beyond just bein' sad... I felt like I'd never been happy before... never would be again... everything was just this horrible pit of despair... all these terrible things that've happened to me, they all came back at once... almost enough to knock a guy over..."

For a moment, Jenkins was staring at his kneecaps. Mario was taken aback- he'd known old man Jenkins for a good portion of his life, and this was the weakest he'd ever seen him.

Finally, he regained his composure. "When I got closer, I could see them headin' straight for Mario n' his cousin. One of 'em was just pullin' back the wrappin's over its face, goin' for that tub o' lard's soul. I think he'd have gotten it, if Mario hadn't intervened."

A long moment of silence hung over the courtroom. At long last, Ryan spoke up. "Very well- that concludes the prosecution's cross-examination. Mr. Jenkins, you are free to go."

Jenkins crossed to the door and headed out- to where, Mario had no earthly idea.

"Well, I don't know about you, but _I'm_ certainly convinced of Mario's innocence now," Ryan sneered derisively. "A paragon of believability, that witness was."

"Well, he certainly described the effects of a floow with remarkable accuracy for someone who supposedly can't sense them," Mia pointed out. "And, as probably the most impartial witness we could have summoned, I can't imagine him having any reason to lie about their presence..."

"The idea is simply ridiculous!" Ryan interrupted, slamming his hand into his desk with a look of anger on his face. "A pair of floows traveling to a muggle suburb is unlikely enough, but for that suburb to just _happen_ to be the very town where a single smasher lives, and for them to then _meet_ that one smasher... if this is all true, then I should go and buy a lottery ticket afterwards!"

"That _is_ a fair point," Mia nodded. "Anything to add, Mr. Hand?"

"Oh, I believe Mr. Ryan is very much correct," the Master Hand nodded. "Something like that happening on accident would be _exceedingly_ unlikely."

"You see, even he admits-" Ryan began, but then-

"Which is why," the Master Hand continued, "we must ask ourselves if there might not have been something higher behind this attack than the random actions of a pair of floows."

"Higher?" Ryan asked coldly. "I fail to see what you mean, Mr. Hand."

"Do you?" the Master Han d asked. "It seems fairly obvious to me, Mr. Ryan, that if the floows were not there by chance, then they were there by design- someone intended that they be there that night."

"And it somehow escaped government records?" Ryan retorted icily.

"It would necessarily have been outside of government records if it was not somebody from the government who ordered them there," the Master Hand pointed out.

A wave of ice seemed to pass over the room. Finally, Ryan spoke up. "If you truly intend to bring your fear-mongering into this court of law, Hand..."

"I intend to do nothing but unearth the truth- no matter how deep I must dig to do so," the Hand shook his head. "If my theory truly is groundless, then the only option left to us is that this was sanctioned by the government."

"Nwe... nwehehe... nwehehehehehe..." came a sudden laugh from across the room. Mario turned his attention, for the first time since the trial began, to Andrew Ryan's assistant- the one who'd been leaning back in darkness, but now stepped into the light.

How to describe him... hmmm... well, this will be difficult to do without offending somebody. He had a very... middle eastern look about him. Primarily, it was his clothes- the way he presented his white pants and shirt, covered by a red vest, adorned his head with probably the most stereotypical middle eastern hat he could find... he knew what he was doing. His overlarge nose had a very fine moustache protruding beneath it, and beneath _that,_ his hand was raised to his face, feeding the mouth a banana.

"You always were a truly _smashing_ comedian, Mr. Hand," he spoke in an oddly high, cackling voice.** "Your jokes never fail to elicit a 'Nwehehehe!' from me!"

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Fassad," the Master Hand shrugged.

"That is Mr. Yokuba to you," Fassad shook his head with no real anger in his eyes- he still seemed amused. "Now, I enjoy a good joke as much as anyone else within government, but for the briefest moment, it sounded as though you were accusing our fair governmental body of ordering a hit on this boy!"

"I would never state any such thing," the Master Hand shook his head. "I was merely pointing out that, if there is no outside third party controlling these floows, then it would only logically follow that the government ordered them there. That, however, is the prosecution's theory- not my own. I believe that there is, indeed, a third party involved here- that a certain individual is swaying the floows' loyalties, slowly but steadily, away from the government and towards a certain... 'dark guild,' shall we say?"

Andrew Ryan slammed his hand into his desk. "He... is _not_... back!"

"Then I'm sure the government will not allow these strange actions by the floows to go uninvestigated," the Master Hand shrugged.

"You will _not_ presume to tell us what to do with our own time and resources!"

"I am doing nothing of the kind- just stating my confidence in our governmental body not to allow an oversight of this magnitude to pass by without comment."

Ryan fumbled around for a second before slamming his hand on the desk again. "The behavior of the floows changes nothing! We are here to determine Mario's guilt in performing this final smash, something he has already confessed to!"

"With the caveatthat it was under circumstances in which he had no other choice- it was use his powers or lose his soul," the Master Hand pointed out. "In which case, the presence of floows- creatures well-known for being repelled only by final smashes- becomes highly relevant. If we acknowledge the floows were present, we must also acknowledge that Mario's actions were, in no way, contradictory to the law."

Ryan shook his head. "We have acknowledged no such thing!"

"We have heard from a witness describing such events, and you have done nothing to refute him," the Master Hand pointed out. "I can spy him up in the gallery- I'm sure he wouldn't object to testifying once more. If worse truly comes to worse, we can even summon Bill Smith here to describe the events in his own words."

Rage was building in Ryan's eyes. "And you would love that, wouldn't you? To drag this trial out as long as you could..."

"I will drag the trial out as long as necessary to prevent a truly heinous failure within our judicial system."

"Failure?" Ryan scoffed. "The only word we have that these floows exist is the word of a boy well-known for the tall tales he's constantly spinning. Does anybody else remember three years ago, when he used his powers on a particular cake to assault visitors to his household?"

"Actually, that was a yoshi," Mario spoke up for the first time in quite a while.

"The prosecution thanks the defendant for proving its point!" Ryan bellowed. "Why would a yoshi ever come to a muggle house?!"

"If you doubt Mario's story, there is a yoshi in the Smash Bros.'s employ whose story I believe you will find highly interesting," the Master Hand interjected. "It would take only a few simple words to summon him and convince him to testify- we wouldn't even have to call a recess."

"We have no time to listen to the testimony of horse... dragon...dinosaur... things!" Ryan roared. "Besides, he has a laundry list of such offenses- only two years ago, he blew up his aunt!"

"And the president of that time was kind enough to clear him of all charges, acknowledging that even adult smashers can sometimes lose control of their emotions," the Master Hand recalled. "Double jeopardy applies here- Mario has already been cleared of that crime, it can no longer be used against him."

"And what about all the things he does at school?!"

"The misdemeanors committed by students at the Smash Bros. School of Smashing are solely the business of the Smash Bros. School of Smashing," the Master Hand objected. "Unless in the case of serious criminal offenses, the government has no business interfering in school legislation- as I was forced to remind you after the ordeal. I am sure you only have the country's best interests in mind, Ryan, but the light of justice is blinding you to the very laws you seek to protect."

"Laws can be changed as necessary," Ryan responded coldly.

"As you've repeatedly demonstrated throughout this trial," the Master Hand nodded. "When did the goalposts shift so far as to hold a full, Ace-Attorney-style trial for a case of underage smashing?"

Another stirring around the hall, eventually broken by Mia's gavel. "Order in the court!" she called. "The way I see it, we have solidly reached the end of this trial- any further discussion seems as though it would merely continue leading us in circles. Unless either the prosecution or defense has anything further to add, we shall move to the verdict."

She gazed from Ryan's heaving, red face, to the Master Hand's cool, calm, collected one. "Which seems to be the case," she decided. "Now, I realize we have only recently adopted the Jurist System, and it could still use some fine-tuning, but I now turn to the gallery to pass judgement upon this boy. Those in favor of indictment?"

Mario cringed as he gazed around- until he noticed how few hands were actually going up. Ryan, obviously, and that Fassad person... Rob, to his anger... a hand here or there in the galleries... but they were _vastly_ in the minority.

"And those in favor of clearing the accused of all charges?" Mia asked.

Up went the Master Hand, along with just about everybody else in the hall, including old man Jenkins himself, and a strange, long-legged hunching man with a moustache and dirty brown hair obscuring one eye.

Mia gazed around, and gave a slight smile. "Well, Mr. President, the people have spoken. The court finds the defendant, Mario M. Mario... NOT GUILTY!"

The words appeared in front of her, and confetti began to fall all around, being thrown by the same scruffy-looking detective Mario had noticed earlier. Ryan looked like he'd been forced to swallow a lemon, while the Master Hand allowed a smile to cross his face. "And Nick said I would never make it as a lawyer," he chuckled as, without another word, without even waiting for Mario to speak to him, he shifted back into his hand form, floated to the door, and was gone.

 _XXXX_

* _Major_ props to anyone who recognizes this line, and the paragraphs preceding it. _Very_ obscure reference this time around.

**Just to be clear, I'm modeling Fassad's voice off of the voice given to him by Chuggaaconroy in his Let's Play of Mother 3.

And... complete! Another chapter I've been looking forward to for a while. I've also been kind of dreading trying to keep it all Ace-Attorney-esque, but when the time came to actually write it out, it came much easier than I'd expected. Honestly, the hardest part of this chapter wasn't the writing itself- it was getting myself into the proper mood- I'd been feeling less funny lately, but then I got back into Professor Layton (just got started on Azran Legacy, already loving it,) and it, along with Professor Layton vs. Ace Attorney (which I was skeptical about at first, but has since become my favorite game in _both_ franchises,) got me started on ideas for this chapter once more. Originally, Inspector Chelmey was going to make an appearance, but I couldn't think of a way to work it in without it being horribly forced even by this series's standards, so all he gets is a cameo at the very end. Sorry, Chelmey, but rest assured that you're still one of Scotland Yard's finest in my eyes.

Before we end things off, quick shout-out to my computer that keeps trying to italicize everything- this is, like, the thirtieth time I've had to correct that in these end-notes alone. More seriously, though, shout-out to FelineWithin and PKUnlimited, both of whom guessed in advance at Umbridge's true identity! Right from the beginning, it was clear to me who Umbridge would be if we got this far- seriously, Fassad almost _is_ Umbridge, just in a different setting. There was never anybody else. And while we're on the topic of identities I'm excited to reveal, only two chapters until Ms. Lovegood appears- one of my favorite characters, a sentiment that a lot of people seem to share! I've already hinted that her replacement is someone I ship with Luigi- one of the few crossover ships I support- but since guessing based on that would require more knowledge of me, personally, I thought I'd give out a better hint- and by 'better hint', I mean, 'really annoying not-hint that you'd get in the more jerkish Professor Layton puzzles.' The hint is this- look to the skies.

But I've stretched these end-notes on long enough- it's one in the morning, I need to get some sleep. Hope to see you guys next chapter! Until then, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	9. The Surprise of Link Faron

Gamer4 in. Wow, it took the computer a long time to boot up- between that and the italics issues last chapter, I'm starting to get a little worried. Anyways, starting up on a certain trend of chapter titles you may notice throughout this story- it actually began back in _Bottle of Lightning,_ but we'll go ahead and continue it here- it should be pretty easy to catch on to, especially since next chapter will follow the same pattern. Either way, let's get to it before this computer breaks down into scrap metal- more than it already is, that is.

Disclaimer: Carry on! You will always remember- carry on! Nothing equals the splendor! Now that your life's no longer empty, surely heaven waits for you!

Chapter IX

The Surprise of Link Faron

Mario had to stand there blinking for a few moments before it really clicked with him- _It's over. Time to go._ Slowly, he raised himself to his feet, gazing around, waiting for a signal that he was dismissed- but the only official there who didn't seem intent on ignoring him, (that is, Mia,) was too busy gathering up her papers to deliver any such signal. Slowly, he began making steps towards the door, operating under the assumption that they'd stop him if they still wanted him. One step... two steps... three...

He broke into a run and charged through the door, almost slamming into Rusl on the other side. "Sorry," he grunted, leaping back.

"Never mind that, never mind that, how did it go?" Rusl asked, a look of supreme nerves on his face.

"A very firm not guilty verdict," Mario couldn't help smiling.

A look of sheer relief graced Rusl's features. "Good, great, awesome, outstanding, amazing!"

Mario blinked- so _that_ was where Link got it. Shrugging, he offered his usual rebuttal- "All I did was press A."

Rusl looked around the hallway as other doors opened up and people began to file out. "What the- where's Edgeworth? I had a question to ask him."

"They changed up the prosecutor on us," Mario explained. "Instead of Edgeworth, it was..."

"No," Rusl's eyes widened as they zoomed in on the individual leaving the chamber. "Not- Mr. Ryan?"

"Sure enough," Mario nodded.

Rusl shook his head. "Well... well. I've got to head out- something's just come up. Come on- I'll drop you off on the way."

Mario was finding it difficult not to skip as he followed Rusl down the hallway. It was setting in- Not Guilty, this whole incident was behind him now- he was going back.

Finally realizing how hungry he was, he couldn't help asking, "Mind if we get some Burger King on the way back? I'm starving."

Rusl chuckled. "You _did_ skip out on breakfast- I suppose we can check in... on..."

His voice trailed off, the smile sliding off his face. Andrew Ryan had not made straight for the elevators- instead, he had stepped off to the side in the hallway, speaking to another smasher- a tall man with long, white hair, a well-made-up face, a red cape, white clothing with diamond-shaped holes patterned up and down the sides, and a rapier in a sheath at his side.

"Well, well, well," the man spoke as his eyes narrowed at Mario. "If it isn't Mr. Mario."

"Ghirahim," Mario responded coldly.

Ghirahim's eyes narrowed slightly. "That's 'Mr. Dragmire' to you."

"I'll give you your title when you've earned it," Mario shot back.

Mario was even less pleased to see the father of his arch-nemesis than he'd usually be, considering that the last time he'd seen this man, he'd been cheering Tabuu on as the Great Darkness repeatedly whipped him on the floor, causing him more physical pain than he'd ever felt before in his life... and to see that Ryan was still talking to him? To see that Ryan still considered him to be one of the top officials in the government, when Mario had reported to him only a month or so ago that this peacock was a starman?

Ghirahim's eyes narrowed to the point that they were almost closed. "I suppose I owe you a 'congratulations,'" he hissed. "Though I suppose Bowser will be disappointed at having to see you again."

"Considering that me being expelled is the only way he'd ever have a chance at the Smash-Up trophy, yeah, I'd imagine that, too," Mario nodded. "But you know me, grabbing trophies is something I'm good at..."

Ghirahim's eyes narrowed so much that his upper and lower lids crossed over each other and began making their ways past the rest of his face. He next turned his attention to Rusl. "And Rusl Faron. What are _you_ doing down here?"

"Just escorting Mario to his trial," Rusl shrugged. "It does to have a guiding hand during witch hunts- I mean, times- like these."

"What are _you_ doing down here?" Mario asked.

Ghirahim finally returned his eyelids to their normal positions. "Vital work for both the government and the people- not something a young boy like you would understand."

"This hallway has become infested," Ryan spoke in that cold voice of his. "Perhaps we should take things up to the trapezohedron office?"

"I believe that would be advisable," Ghirahim nodded, and the two of them turned and walked off.

"I'll have to tell someone else about this," Rusl noted worryingly as he continued leading Mario towards the elevators. "The sooner the Master Hand knows how close Ryan is to Ghirahim, the better."

"What business would they have together?"

"I assume you've heard that it's not _what_ you know, it's _who_ you know?"

"Yeah."

"Then what you really need to understand is that Ghirahim isn't a smasher- he's a spider. A spider sitting in the middle of the vast web of the government, and he knows how each and every thread dances."

"Deep," Mario blinked.

"I was watching a lot of _Sherlock_ last night, I was waiting for a chance to use that line."

Eventually, they arrived back in the vast entrance hall. As they were passing the fountain, Mario couldn't help but turn towards it. "Hold up," he smiled. "I owe somebody an extra life."

He crossed to the fountain and looked up at it. It was hilarious, now that he actually took the time to examine it- why were the smashers they'd chosen to depict his first master and her boyfriend? Why were the goron and goomba looking upon smashers with such reverence? Gorons, he knew from bare experience, were vastly independent creatures who typically wanted nothing to do with smashers, and just about every major event in history between smashers and goombas had ended badly. The only being depicted there who really looked like they belonged was the yoshi, gazing up at the smashers with extreme devotion- though he had to chuckle at what Zelda would think of that.

It didn't take a moment of consideration before he took out his wallet and threw in, not the promised forty gold coins, but a whopping hundred of them.

XXXX

"Guess who's back (back!) Back again (-gain!) Mario's back- tell a friend! Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back!"

Such was the chanting going on from Kirby, Meta, and Peach later that day as Mario and Rusl returned to 774, Silent Hill. They were dancing around the kitchen as they sang their joy at Mario's verdict. As they were doing this, Link and Zelda turned towards Mario himself. "Should've called this one, huh? When have you ever actually gotten punished for something?"

"Well, there was that incident with Steve..." Mario recalled.

"Ah, details, details," Link waved aside.

"It was pretty much inevitable," Zelda observed. "Given the evidence, it would have taken a real kangaroo court to find you anything _but_ innocent."

"You guys all seem pretty relieved, considering how much of a foregone conclusion it was," Mario smirked.

Link and Zelda would have rebutted, but that was the moment that Kirby, Peach, and Meta raised their voices even higher- "This looks like a job for him, so everybody follow him, we need a little more controversy- it felt so empty without him!"

"Glad to see they're not worrying too much about the rhyming," Mario noted.

"Calm down, people, calm down," Uli raised her voice as she entered. "Now, what were you saying, Rusl?"

"Ghirahim- he was at the offices."

"Ghirahim?" Roy asked sharply. "What was he doing there?"

"Two blond-haired princesses go 'round the outside, 'round the outside, 'round the outside! Two blond-haired princesses go 'round the outside, 'round the outside, 'round the outside!"

"Tone it down!" Rusl repeated his wife's sentiments. "He was talking to Ryan, then they went up to the trapezohedron office together. The Master Hand needs to know ASAP."

"Of course," Roy nodded. "I'll let him know next time he passes through."

"Uli," Rusl turned to his wife. "Did anyone volunteer to fill in for Krystal tonight?"

"Bayonetta's taking care of it, don't worry," Uli assured him.

"Good," Rusl nodded. "Well, I should be back in a few hours. Gordon might be coming by later on, just to let you know."

"This looks like a job for him, so everybody follow him, we need a little more controversy, and it felt so empty without him!"

"Shut up!" Uli raised her voice a little further. "Alright, get over here, Mario, time for lunch- you didn't really have anything at breakfast."

"Nah, I'm good," Mario raised his hands. "We got Burger King on the way-"

"Mario M. Mario, you will eat it or you will wear it!" fire suddenly sparked in Uli's eyes. Slightly cowed, Mario nodded earnestly and got started on the spaghetti she'd prepared for him- his favorite food to celebrate getting off.

His nervousness of Uli aside, Mario was happier than he'd been for a couple months- sitting down with his friends, eating his favorite food, and no longer with the threat of the trial hanging over his head.

"I just have to say, if I'd known the Hand was gonna show up, I'd never have been afraid to begin with," Link noted, standing up, placing a hand on his hip, and throwing a glass of milk down his throat. "That guy always knows what to do."

Mario's smile faltered slightly. "Yeah... yeah, he salvaged the whole thing." There was something gnawing at his mind- aside from a brief sentence of instruction as he took the witness stand, the Master Hand hadn't bothered speaking to him- to a certain extent, he almost might as well have not been present for the trial. He shook his head- the Hand was busy this summer, he surely had other things he had to be doing...

Before he could delve into this line of thinking any further, Peach and the twins' singing reached a peak- "THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR HIM, SO EVERYBODY FOLLOW HIM, SO EVERYBODY FOLLOW HIM, WE NEED A LITTLE MORE CONTROVERSY, AND IT FELT SO EMPTY WITHOUT HIM!"

Uli snapped. "SHUT UP, OR WAVE EXISTENCE AS MY WITNESS, I WILL SIC BAYONETTA ON YOU TONIGHT!"

XXXX

For the most part, the mood around the house for the next few days was brightened considerably... except in one person. On the first night of celebration, Roy had joined in with everyone else, eating cake, drinking Code Red, and, at one point, getting drunk off his butt and getting into a breakdancing contest with Bayonetta with results that had everyone else running for cover... but afterwards, a certain melancholy seemed to hang about him, trailing after him like a shadow.

In Mario's mind, in situations like this, one should turn to the one who probably knew what was going on-

"Hey, Zelda, is it just me or does Roy seem a bit... stand-off-ish, lately?"

"Yeah, I've noticed that, too," Zelda agreed. "I've been thinking about it a bit, and my conclusion is... he's being a bit selfish."

Mario blinked. "How'd you come to _that_ conclusion?"

"I'm starting to think that he secretly _wanted_ Mario to be expelled," Zelda explained her logic. "Then the two of them could both live here as outcasts together."

"Harsh," Link raised his eyebrows. "Don't you think you might be jumping to a conclusion or two?"

"Think what you will," Zelda shook her head. "But I think your mom's on to something- Roy sometimes gets confused about which Mario, exactly, he's dealing with."

"Roy's not insane," Mario raised his voice, a certain chill entering it. "At least, not any more than anybody else in the smasher world."

"I'm not saying 'insane,'" Zelda objected. "More... very, very lonely."

Before they could speak to each other any further, Uli looked in- they were in the midst of trashing the majority of the artifacts in the attic. "Good progress, good progress- keep at it, I'll send the twins up to help..."

"Oh, come on!" Link objected. "If we've made such good progress, don't we deserve a break? We've been working hard up here, and I just found out that they're making an _Ace Attorney_ anime-"*

"You were so eager to help Philanthropy," Uli pointed out, arms crossed. "Be careful what you wish for- you might just get it."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what we meant," Link scoffed- as soon as he was certain his mother was out of earshot. "Working us like freaking yoshis up here..."

"Well, maybe now that you're feeling closer to our scaly brethren," Zelda perked up, "you'll become a more active member of SOYLENT!" A light entered her eyes. "Say, that's not a bad idea... we get back to the Smash Mansion, and host a sponsored cleanup of the mansion- take the load of the yoshis for a bit, raise some funds, raise some awareness..."

"And if you think anybody's going to _pay_ to clean the Mansion, you're more off your head than when you were coming up with the name SOYLENT," Link crossed his arms. Zelda scowled.

As time wore on, Mario found himself looking forward more and more to his return to the Smash Mansion- while he always did, he felt that this year's return would be particularly sweet, especially after his brush with expulsion. On top of that... as much as it pained him to say it... he... wasn't enjoying his time at Silent Hill. It was cramped, dusty, everything smelled of mold, Bana was the first creature he'd encountered more annoying than Mido, the Smash Mansion's caretaker, and they could never leave to explore the town, lest they compromise their security.

It was as Link and Zelda had said- living at Philanthropy's headquarters did _not_ mean, in any way, that they were actually any more informed of events- most of their time was spent cleaning the place, desperately trying to catch snippets of information from the people who came in and out- but after the first night, they were careful to keep their precious information away from the kid's ears. Roy attempted to drop hints, but the more he did it, the more attuned to it Uli grew, until he could hardly open his mouth without her bursting through the nearest door, death glare in place.

One afternoon, Mario was leaning back in his bed after a particularly rigorous cleaning of the upstairs bathroom, a conflict that still lives on in smashing legend, tossing a ball he'd found up in the air, catching it, tossing it up, catching it...

"Hey, Mario," came Link's voice as the door opened. Mario fumbled with the ball, which abruptly grew teeth and sank them into his hand.

"SON OF A MOTHERFLIPPING ZORGEDARGADINGDONG!" Mario yelped, wrestling to get the ball off his hand.

"Crap," Link muttered, rushing to his friends aid, wrapping his arms around him and struggling to get the ball's teeth out.

Kirby and Meta sauntered in behind him, only to stare at the scene they were witnessing.

"Ah, get it out, get it out, get it out!" Mario was crying.

"I'm trying, but it's really in there!" Link grunted, pulling at the ball with all his might.

"Well, we can't say we're _totally_ shocked," the puffballs smirked.

Finally, Link managed to wrench the ball away from Mario's hand and forcefully toss it out the window. Ignoring the indignant yowling of a cat who seemed to pass by, he turned to face the twins. "Oh, you're here."

"And wishing we weren't," Kirby smirked.

"What was all that about?" Meta added, mischief in his eyes.

"You don't want to know," Mario grumbled. "Now, what were you saying, Link?"

"Letters from school," Link explained, handing one to him. "What books we got on the roster this year?"

Mario opened the envelope, heedless of the blood flowing from his hand, and read out, " _Super Smash Bros. Brawl Instruction Book, part 2_ , by Anolis Anomore, and _Protection from the Evils- a Non-Problematic Approach_ , by Anita Sarkeesian."

"Yeah, that's what we were here to talk about," the twins put in.

"Who exactly assigned this Sarkeesian-woman's book?" Kirby wondered.

"Because clearly, if someone's assigned it, the Hand's found a new Protection from the Evils teacher," Meta agreed.

"Is that really such a surprise?" Mario asked, taking off his glove to examine his damaged limb.

"Kinda, when you consider what happened to the last four," Kirby pointed out.

"Well, Dedede and Fox resigned," Mario pointed out.

"Yeah, but then you look at Tingle- he blasted out his own memories," Meta countered.

"Then Simon steps up to the plate, and spends the next nine months or so locked up in his own trunk," Kirby agreed. "Talk about 'I have no mouth and I must scream.'"

"Okay, I'm starting to see your point," Mario admitted. "Any input on this one, Link?" No answer. "Link?"

Everyone turned to see Link staring, wide-eyed, at the letter he'd just opened. "Well, that's not right," Kirby frowned. "Usually, it's getting Link to shut _up_ that's the problem..."

Meta crossed the room to see what he was looking at- and gasped. "No- no flipping way!"

Link, everyone watching, turned the envelope over, allowing a badge to fall out of it into his hand.

"You're smegging me," Kirby gaped. "You have _got_ to be smegging me? Who in their right mind would make _Link_ a prefect?!"

"The same person who put Philanthropy's headquarters in Silent Hill?" Meta speculated.

"Well, yeah, but this is _way_ above and beyond that!" Kirby shook his head. "Why make _Link_ a prefect when Mario's standing right over there?"

"That _is_ true," Meta agreed. "I know we don't really gamble anymore, after that whole gongshow with Ballyhoo, but if we did, I'm pretty sure our money would've been on _Mario_ to land the spot!"

Mario's eyes were widening, but he didn't have the chance to say anything before Kirby sighed dramatically. "Oh, smeg, I am _not_ looking forward to Mom finding out about this."

"Yeah, that's gonna be a nightmare," Meta grumbled. "Remember when Rob got the badge? She never let it go..."

Link seemed oblivious to his brother's taunts- he turned to look Mario in the eye, raising the badge up as though offering it to him. Mario accepted it, looking it over. Sure enough, this badge was identical, in every way, to the one he'd grown accustomed to seeing Rob flaunt over the past few years...

The door crashed open, revealing an _extremely_ excited-looking Zelda. "Mario, did you get it? Did you get it, Mario?"

Before anyone could speak, her eyes traveled down to Mario's still-bleeding hand, currently holding the badge. She shrieked.

"Me too, Mario, me too!"

"Not me, not me, not me!" Mario explained rapid fire, tossing the badge back to Link, who, in his preoccupation, only barely caught it. "Link, not me!"

"Huh?" Zelda paused in her tracks, confused.

" _Link's_ the prefect you're looking for- not me," Mario repeated.

"Link?" Zelda asked, jaw dropping. "Link is-"

"Don't worry, it threw us off, too," Kirby ruffled her hair.

Zelda pulled away from him. "I'm not _that_ surprised," she objected. "I mean, Link's got plenty of good qualities... I mean, he's... he's..."

"Don't hurt yourself," Link scowled slightly, sounding a tad hurt himself.

"Peach says the booklists came," came another voice from the doorway- they turned to see Uli coming up the stairs. "I was about to head to Twisted Lane anyways- just throw me your lists, and I'll pick up your books while I'm there."

"You might want to get our beloved Linky-poo a new tunic, while you're there," Meta put in, his voice nothing short of scathing.

"A new tunic? Why?"

"Well, we thought his new badge might clash with his traditional green," Kirby explained.

"Badge? What badge?"

"The prefect badge he just got in the mail," the twins explained in unison.

"Prefect badge, that's nice, dear, very nice..."

 _*Click_.*

It was like they could actually _hear_ the light going on in her brain as she spun towards Link. "Wait, you mean to say..." Link held up the badge as confirmation, and Uli let out one of the highest-pitch squeals Mario had ever heard. "Prefect! I don't believe it! I don't believe it! No- no- Link, you're a _prefect_?! That's the whole family!"

"What about Kirb and I?" Meta scoffed indignantly. "What, we're just next-door neighbors or something?"

"And I guess Midna's just adopted," Kirby agreed.

"And Peach is just the madwoman in the attic," Mario couldn't help stepping in, still examining the blood seeping from his palm.

"Wait until Rusl hears- this is wonderful, Link, just wonderful! If we're lucky, you'll end up head boy- just like Linebeck! This- this is the greatest thing-"

"I hope someone picks up that phone," Meta muttered.

"Because we flipping called it," Kirby agreed.

"Mom... Mom... need to breath here, prefects still need to breath..." Link gasped, finally drawing Uli's attention to the strain she was putting on her son's air supply.

"Oh, right..." Uli nodded, backing off. "So, what'll it be?"

"What'll... what... be?" Link gasped, massaging his chest.

"Well, you didn't think we'd let you go without a reward for this, did you?" Uli grinned. "I mean, we got Rob an albatross, but you've already got Riki, so... what'll it be? I know you didn't really appreciate the fancy clothes we got you last year..."

"We already replaced them," Kirby muttered, shooting a glare at Mario- it had been at the pyromancer's insistence that they diverted a portion of their windfall towards replacing Link's awe-inspiringly-ridiculous fancy clothing.

"Mom..." Link said quietly, clearly trying to build himself up to something... "Could I... could I have a kart?"

Uli's smile vanished, replaced by a gnawing on her lower lip- karts could be notoriously expensive.

"Not anything top-of-the-line!" Link clarified, raising his hands. "Nothing like a Wild Wing, of course, or a Flame Runner- just a kart to call my own, you know?"

Very slightly, the smile returned to Uli's face. "That sounds like a great idea, Link. Of course I can do that for you."

"And while you're at it," Mario muttered, his attention fully focused on his red right hand, "I know I don't exactly deserve a reward, but I'd like something for my hand, if it's okay."

"Huh? Oh!" Uli gasped. "My mistake!" She rushed over, and a second later, Mario's hand was all bandaged up, and his glove repaired. "Okay, my shopping list is a little longer than I'd expected- I'll have to leave a tad early- but Link, a prefect! I have to tell Rusl..."

As her voice trailed off into the distance, Kirby and Meta turned to Link, their stubby arms crossed. "So, Link... you want _us_ to kowtow to you, too?"

"Shut up," Link sighed.

"Or what- you'll give us detention?"

"He could, if you don't watch it," Zelda stepped to Link's defense, eyes narrowed at the twins.

Link sighed. "No point, Zelda."

Kirby put on a face of mock-fright. "Well, it looks like our days of sidestepping the rules are just about over, buddy."

"It's sad, but true," Meta pretended to sob. "With these two on the case, we're done for!"

They both donned a 'Snidely Whiplash' brand moustache, and ran off, chortling.

"Don't listen to them, Link, they're just jealous," Zelda scoffed, shutting the door behind them.

"You know, not everything you read in those self-help books necessarily holds true in every situation in real life," Link pointed out, hand rising to his chin. "I don't know what's up with them, but I doubt it's jealousy- it's not like they've ever been keen on stuff like this themselves. Then again," he added, a smile crossing his face, "I _am_ getting a new kart, so that's something! Let's see, a nice kart, but not too expensive... you know, I've heard the Dragster isn't half bad, as karts go, and they've been around a while, so she might be able to find one at a bargain... yeah, sounds good, I think I'll run that one by Mom."

With that, he left the room and headed down the stairs.

Left behind with Zelda, Mario found, to his surprise, that he wasn't interested in talking to her about these recent developments. He'd have thought that he'd be glad to talk to his friends about this achievement, but somehow... the idea wasn't appealing to him at the moment.

"Mario?" Zelda asked.

"Huh?" Mario asked, turning to her. "Oh, right- congrats. Great job- really, you were made for it."

"Given the model Rob set, I'm not sure that's actually a complement," Zelda made a brave effort at injecting some humor into the conversation. Mario laughed, but it was a horribly false laugh that was more disturbing than anything. "Anyways," she continued uncomfortably, "do you mind if I borrow Parakarry? I want to send a letter to my parents- I'm sure they'll be proud."

"Yeah, yeah, that's... great idea, yeah," Mario spoke without really thinking. "I'm sure he'd like a job..."

Zelda nodded and headed out. Mario double-checked the bandage on his hand, then leaned back in his bed once more. Bereft of his ball, he resorted to simply staring at the ceiling, examining individual pieces of dirt.

Was it really any surprise, he wondered, that he'd forgotten that prefects were chosen in the fifth year? He _had_ had quite a bit on his mind lately, between the floows, and Tabuu being back, and the trial... really, he hadn't been thinking about ordinary school stuff since the final trial of the Console Games.

"If I'd remembered... what would I have expected?" he wondered out loud.

Out of nowhere, a miniature version of himself, clad in white robes, wings, and a halo appeared. "Don't worry about it, Mario, Link's your friend. Maybe you wouldn't have expected this, but that doesn't really mean anything."

"Like crap!" spoke a harsher voice- on his other shoulder appeared a third version of himself with red skin, a tail, horns, and clutching a pitchfork. "You're better than that punk, and you know it! That green sissy is nowhere _near_ qualified to be prefect- you know it, and I know it!"

"Well, maybe that _is_ what you'd have expected," the angel confessed. "You probably _would_ have expected the badge to come to you... but that doesn't make you a bad person!"

"Doesn't it?" the devil retorted. "Sounds like something Bowser Dragmire would say, to me!"

"Don't listen to him, Mario," the angel stood his ground. "You don't actually think you're better than Link!"

"He's a better kart driver," the devil countered.

"Okay, so Mario's a better kart driver," the angel admitted. "But Link's a better chess player, and academically speaking, they're pretty much in the same boat!"

"Playing the 'academics' card on us now, huh?" the devil smirked. "What about outside lessons? What about all those... 'extra curricular' activities Mario's always taking on?"

"Link and Zelda are with him for most of that!"

"But not all of it," the devil pointed out triumphantly. "Were they there in the fight against Mewtwo? Were they there to fight the giga koopa? Did they fight off an army of floows? Did they get through the Console Games and fight of Tabuu himself? Face it, Mario's done more than the two of them combined!"

"Okay, okay, I concede that," the angel looked down. "But maybe there are other attributes that make a prefect- maybe being thrown into all these situations isn't what the Hand is looking for!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the devil waved aside. "Listen up, big guy, I'll give you three good reasons why angel-face over there is full of bull. First off- well, just look at him! He's got that sissy stringy music thing!"

"First off, it's a harp," the angel demonstrated the snark of the boy whose shoulder he was standing on. "Second, I don't even have it with me right now."

"But you _are_ wearing a dress," the devil smirked.

"Robe!"

"Reason number 2- look what I can do," the devil continued, doing a one-handed handstand right there on Mario's shoulder.

"The smeg does any of this have to do with anything?" Mario couldn't help asking.

"No, no, he's actually got a point," the angel conceded.

"Look, this has gone on long enough," Mario muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Just... just get out of here, alright? I'll handle this on my own."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," the devil shrugged, as both he and the angel vanished in a puff of smoke.**

Mario rubbed his eyes- what was he even _doing?_ Did he think Link had asked for that badge? No- of course he hadn't! The Master Hand chose Link, and whatever he thought about that, Link had no part in it. He was Link's best friend- was he really going to turn against him just because he'd beaten him at something for a change?

"To dance again!" came a jaunty voice from the hall. "I've been waiting all these years to- oh, hey, Mario!" That was Link coming in the door. "Just caught Mom- she agrees, the Dragster definitely looks like a good option!"

"Glad to hear it," Mario found himself giving a genuine smile. "Really. Nice job, man."

Link's smile wavered a bit. "I never thought it'd be me. I thought it would be you, for sure!"

"Nah, I'm too much of a trouble-maker," Mario shrugged. "You've got a right to be happy." Giving a more mischievous smile, he added, "Remember- with great power comes great responsibility."

"Like the responsibility to finish packing tonight?" Link suggested.

"Yeah, yeah, I'd say that's a big responsibility," Mario agreed, cringing as he remembered how much stuff he'd removed from his suitcase since he'd first arrived- and today _was_ the last day to return it all, as the Great Fox left for the Smash Mansion tomorrow...

In fact, there was so much left to pack that they were only just finishing as Uli returned, new kart for Link in tow and carrying several bags of books for her kids, by blood and surrogate. She left the kart in the kitchen, and from that moment on, Link was pretty much glued to the seat, running his hands over it and purring like a kitten. It took the twins threatening to use their swords to detach him to finally get him upstairs to put the finishing touches on his suitcase.

A party was thrown that night, complete with cake, ice cream, booze, and a banner across the kitchen reading CONGRATULATIONS, LINK AND ZELDA!

"Rusl and Midna will both be here tonight," Uli beamed at Link. "They're both thrilled."

"I bet Midna is," Link nodded, cringing at the thought of what his older sister might say.

Roy, of course, was there from the start, and as the night went on, Gordon, Krystal, Fox, Li, Bayonetta, Simon, and several others filtered in, whether to congratulate the Smash Bros. newest prefects, or just to grab some cake while it was there. As Mario leaned back to chug down a Code Red, he heard Uli talking to Simon.

"Oh, Simon, glad to catch you. There's something in a cupboard up in the tapestry room. We're pretty sure it's a tane-tane, but we thought we should check with you, just to be on the safe side."

"I reckon I can do that for ya," Simon nodded, leaning back with a glass of whisky. "Yup, that's a tane-tane, alright. Lucky it's not a more dangerous demonic son of a b****... I can go take care of it, if you want."

"Nah, I can do it," Uli waved aside. "Shouldn't take more than five minutes."

As she left, Mario turned to his old not-teacher. "So, Simon, you can see tane-tanes without actually confronting them?"

"Yeah."

"So they can't read your mind and turn into your phobias?"

"This guy doesn't _have_ any phobias, son," Simon shook his head. "Not after all the demonic sons of b****es I've seen..."

"But you can see them without them transforming?"

"Well, yeah, that much is true."

"So, what do they look like when they're alone?"

Simon thought for a moment. "A single eye floating over a giant pair of lips wearing black lipstick."

Mario blinked, and casually filed that information under 'to never think about again.'

Simon, meanwhile, turned his attention to the guests of honor. "I definitely gotta congratulate you two," he grunted. "Dangerous job, but I doubt the Hand would have picked you if he didn't think you were up to the task."

"I remember when I was a prefect," Li Kuugo spoke reminiscently. "The Master said I was one of his first choices."

"The Master Hand?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, the head of my group- we just called him the Master," Li explained. "He was my mentor- taught me most of everything I know, passed on the title of 'Xin Shan Quan' master to me after dying in the war."

"What group were you in?"

"Sierra," Li shrugged. "What can I say, always a little on the ambitious side. At least I never hit Bayonetta's level..."

"Speaking of, you say people wouldn't be impressed with Bayonetta if they knew why she'd _actually_ done time," Zelda recalled. "Why was that?"

"Simple," Li smirked. "She failed to defray upon our legislative, judicial, and executive bodies the funds with which to carry on with their governmental duties."

"Huh?" everybody listening gave a grunt of confusion.

"Tax evasion," Li elaborated.

Krystal chortled. "Well, glad to hear you have such fond memories of being a prefect- I never was one myself. Apparently, I lacked certain characteristics old Grossberg was looking for."

"Like what?" Link asked.

"Like the ability to go two weeks without earning a detention."

When she was done laughing, Zelda turned to Roy with a mischievous look on her face. "And I'm guessing you and Jake were at the top of Samus's list to become prefects?"

Roy splurted his Baja Blast all over the table, he was laughing so hard. "Oh, no, not us," he chuckled. "Louie didn't have the courage, Jake and I didn't have the moral fiber. No, if you're looking for a prefect among the Bombers, I turn you to Mr. Hyde over there."

"So you _were_ a prefect?" Krystal asked of the passing vulpine.

"Yup," Fox nodded. "I'm guessing the Hand was hoping that a prefect in their midst would calm Jake and Roy down a bit. A quick glance at Roy today should tell you how well _that_ turned out."

Mario felt a new heart rising up in him- so he wouldn't be disappointing his father by not being a prefect. Suddenly feeling better than he had before, he took another glass of Code Red and began downing it.

Meanwhile, Zelda was trying to rope some of Philanthropy into SOYLENT- starting with Fox. "I mean, really, it's not that different from how smashers treat werecreatures, is it? It's this freaking superiority complex that smashers seem to have-"

"Perhaps," Fox cut her off. "What... what did you say this organization is named again?"

"Oh- SOYLENT!"

"And... that stands for... what, exactly?"

"Saving Our Yoshis by Lending 'Em Net Tweezers!"

Fox blinked. "I see..." looking up, he leapt to his feet. "Oh, Roy, didn't you have that thing to show me?"

Meanwhile, Midna was talking to Gordon, her father, and her mother about the... 'close work' she was doing with Snake. "Took me home and introduced me to his family the other day," she was recalling. "Pretty nice bunch- at least, after his Dad tackled me to the ground. Said he thought I was a Combine. Imagine that- _me,_ a Combine!"

"Well, if I tilt my head and squint a bit," Gordon shrugged.

"Maybe if you just trimmed your fangs a bit," Uli put in.

"Not trimming my fangs!" Midna instantly retorted, fingering said longer, sharper-than-average canines.

Gordon and Rusl chuckled, but eventually, Gordon turned towards Fox. "Fox, you're the one of us who seems to get the most face time with the Hand- I've got a question for you."

"What is it?"

"Not saying that Link doesn't deserve it, but don't you think it would have made more sense to make _Mario_ a prefect?"

Mario froze; Fox shrugged. "You know him- he's got his reasons for everything. Though sometimes, the reason eludes me..."

"It's what I'd have done," Gordon threw his two cents in. "I mean, it would have shown the Hand's confident in him- something that's going to be _very_ important this year, with that smear campaign the _Tribune's_ running..."

Mario found himself lowering the Code Red he'd been about to drink- he suddenly wasn't all that thirsty.

"Something troubling you, boy?"

Mario jumped, turning to see Simon standing over him. "I guess you could say that..." he muttered.

Simon paused, seemingly thinking something over. Finally, he said, "Come with me, boy- I've got something to show you."

Mario shrugged, but followed him into a side room anyways. Simon reached into a bag he had slung over his side and produced a small photograph. Mario glanced at the contents, only to recoil. "Geez, Simon, you're entitled to have whatever you want in your bags, but you don't have to-"

"Huh?" Simon grunted, glancing at the photo himself. "Oh. Sorry 'bout that- wrong picture." He threw it back in his bag, rummaged around, and produced a second picture, double-checking it this time before presenting it. " _This_ is what I wanted to show you- the original founders of Philanthropy."

Mario examined it closely- there was a little crowd of people standing in what appeared to be the Smash Mansion's foyer, all smiling and waving at the camera. He spotted Simon right away- he was as battered and beaten as ever, though he retained both eyes. To his right, he spied the Master Hand, and Toad... "Who's that woman?"

"Misty Fey," Simon explained. "Mother of Mia Fey, the judge who tried your case. She died two weeks after this was taken, along with her mother and her sister. Her daughters got away, though, and the way I hear it, Mia basically raised her sister since. As for those two standing behind her... that's Kahn and Karen Luigi."

Mario cringed as he looked at the faces of the two apparent martial artists smiling at the camera- he'd never met them, but he knew their faces well- they bore the features he'd come to associate with one of his greatest friends at the Smash Mansion, Luigi Luigi...

"You ask me, they got the worst deal out of all of us," Simon growled. "Even death would have been better than... well, no need to tell you that."

True, Mario thought, but not for the reasons Simon had in mind.

"There's Bayonetta," Simon continued. "Older than she looks, huh? Louie Garfield, I'm sure you've heard his story... Mumkhar got him just after Tabuu fell... There's the Master Li Kuugo was talking about, took Tabuu himself to take him down, along with two of his other students, Yuan Jou and Sammo Hakka... Talon, looking much younger than he does nowadays... my granddaddy, Trevor Belmont, just disappeared, we never found out what happened to him... the Crazy Hand, of course, he'd never sit out on anything the Master Hand was doing... Giygas..."

"Wait, _that's_ Giygas?" Mario gasped, comparing in his head the insane, twisted red spirit that typically hung out around Telma's Bar to the almost Mewtwo-like creature glaring severely at the camera.

"Yeah... Tabuu did something to him, we never quite found out what," Simon explained. "Now, who else we got? Ah... Gregory Edgeworth... took five starmen to bring that guy to his knees, he was tough as nails. And there's Phoenix Wright, the Master Hand's brother- couldn't tell you much about him, only met him once. All I know for sure is that he's still alive- no idea where he got to, though... Roy, of course, back when he had a good relationship with his barber... and... there! That's what I _really_ wanted to show you."

Mario's heart leapt as he saw the unmistakable visage of his parents- Jake and Sarah Mario. Jake, tall with untidy black hair, a white shirt and black pants... his mother, dressed in a suit red enough to match her fiery hair, with crystal blue eyes she'd passed on to her son...

Mario gulped as he struggled to speak- his throat had become unexpectedly dry. Finally, he got out, "Well, glad you... glad you showed this to me, but I've gotta run- I've still got to... got to..."

"Hey, what's that you've got there, Simon?" came another voice, drawing their attention to Roy coming over. Mario seized the opportunity to get as far away from that room as he could.

Mario was deeply disturbed by what he'd just seen. He always found it difficult to look at images of people who had hardships ahead of them- seeing them smiling on, unaware of the hell about to be unleashed... his parents, killed just after they'd had him... Louie Garfield, destroyed so thoroughly only a single finger survived... Gregory Edgeworth, dying like a hero... Li's Master, struggling to fight off Tabuu himself, but doomed to die along with two of his most beloved students...

Realizing that he was no longer in the mood to party, Mario decided to head back upstairs to double-check on his suitcase- after all, it seemed like no matter how much preparation he did, there was always room-full of items he'd forgotten to pack once the time to leave actually arrived. He was heading up past the tapestry room when he heard a sobbing noise within.

Doubling back, Mario opened the door- and felt his insides disappear.

Uli Faron had collapsed to the ground, sobbing. The cause was obvious- a few feet away from her, lying dead on the ground, was Link.

Mario almost fell to the ground- Link, dead... no, it was impossible...

 _No, really, it_ is _impossible,_ came a voice inside his head. _Link's still downstairs, remember?_

Which meant that this Link...

His suspicions were confirmed as Uli pointed at the body and attempted to choke something out- but nothing resembling words was forthcoming.

The tane-tane, instead of doing as it should have and turning into something funny, transformed into a dead Midna. Uli's sobs doubled in strength. She tried to say something again, with the sole result of turning Midna's dead body into Rusl... into the twins... into Rob... into Mario...

"Mrs. Faron!" Mario called out to her. "I'm not dead, I'm right over here!"

"Mario, what's-" came Fox's voice, only for him to end his sentence prematurely as he saw, quite clearly, what was going on. He leapt forward, causing the tane-tane to take the form of a floating full moon. "Why not go on a diet, you're really ballooning!" he yelled, and the moon became a rapidly-deflating balloon that soared backwards around the room, prompting a forced laugh from Roy as he entered, causing the tane-tane to simply explode in midair.

Fox rushed to Uli's side, while Roy made sure Mario was alright. "It's okay, Uli... it's alright... everything's going to be okay... it was just a tane-tane... just a stupid little tane-tane..."

"It's not just the tane-tane!" Uli sobbed. "I see them all the time- in my dreams..."

The others allowed her a few moments to calm down. Finally, she began to stifle her sobs. "Don't... don't tell Rusl... no telling what he'd think..."

"He wouldn't think any less of you," Fox assured her.

"I... I'm worried for them," Uli admitted. "All the Farons... are tied so closely to Philanthropy... Rob's left... what happens if Rusl or I die? What would happen-"

"This isn't like last time," Fox pointed out. "Last time, the Great Darkness had all his pieces in place before we'd even realized a game was being played. This time, we know what we're up against, we're already prepared, and we're not horribly outnumbered the way we were before..."

"Don't worry, Rob's bound to come around soon," Roy put in. "The Great Darkness will be coming out soon, he can't stay in the shadows forever. When that happens, you can bet the government will come running to us for forgiveness. They'd best hope Bayonetta and I are feeling merciful that day," he added, attempting to bring some humor into the situation. Uli gave a small chuckle, but not much more than that.

"And don't worry about your children," Fox agreed. "We've all got your back- what did you think we'd do? Just kick them out onto the streets of Fourside?"

Uli gave another smile that still seemed remarkably sad.

The incident hung heavily over Mario's head as he went to his room that night. He doubted anyone in Philanthropy would think less of Uli for her worries... least of all himself. It had taken a while for it to really sink in, but that scene with Uli really drove the point home- they were at war, a war that not everybody would necessarily walk away from alive.

And to think that only a few hours ago, his biggest worry was not being chosen as a prefect.

 _XXXX_

*I actually found out about this only a few lines before typing that out- yup, there's an Ace Attorney anime going on! They're just getting into _Turnabout Samurai_ as of this writing, but as an avid fan of the series, I can assure you I'll be following this series as it progresses!

** Betcha you can't guess what my favorite Disney film is.

Pretty dark ending to this chapter, I know. I'd say something more solemn down here except... one chapter until Luna comes in, guys! I've been looking forward to this ever since I finally decided who she'd be! Yeah, truth be told, it took a while for me to find a good match for everyone's favorite cloudcuckoolander. It was at the tail end of Dungeon of Secrets that I finally played the game she's from, and it took a few months after that for me to decide that yes, she's the one I want as Luna. But since then, I've been avidly looking forward to introducing her- hopefully, you guys will agree that she's a good fit! Getting all the mysterious stuff out of the way, since you'll already know who she is by the time you're reading the next chapter's opening notes- her name will be in the chapter title. Considering how excited I am, and the nice, medium-length chapter that it will probably be, it should be up later this week- hope you guys are looking forward to it as much as I am! Until then, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	10. The Melancholy of Melia Antiqua

Gamer4 in. The other day, I found an old, dusty copy of _Persona 3_ sitting in my gaming closet. Knowing my reputation for greatly enjoying old games I find in my closet that I forgot I even had, I plugged it in to my Playstation 2 and started it up- and haven't been able to stop since. I've been going on a Persona binge lately, which reminds me... I never actually identified the source material for the _Winter of our Discotent_ chapters from _Bottle of Lightning!_ And after I said I was going to... well, they took inspiration from the first two episodes of the second volume of _Persona 4, the Animation,_ which was my first exposure to the Persona series- which made a _huge_ impact on me, and, if my memory is correct, is what pushed me into getting _Persona 3_ in the first place. Yeah, finally bringing that up, however many chapters late... but hey, better late than never! Okay, enough waffling- Luna's been waiting long enough! Let's get started!

Disclaimer: Carry on, my wayward son! There'll be peace when you are done! Lay your weary head to rest- don't you cry no more! Whoo, glad to finally get that one off my chest. Alright, next time on Disclaimer Radio... honestly, I don't know. I guess we'll see.

Chapter X

The Melancholy of Melia Antiqua

"Alright, Mario, time to get up," came a voice through the darkness. "Better hurry- Mom's freaking out. Man, even when we go out of our way to pack up the night before, we're still rushing..."

Mario cracked his eyes open to find himself in Link's room at the top floor of Ordon Cottage. Link was just leaving through the door and heading downstairs. Mario sighed, getting to his feet, grabbing his suitcase, and following his friend.

Except, when he went through the door, it was not the top floor of Ordon Cottage he saw- it was a strange hallway, black as midnight, eventually culminating in a door that was somehow even blacker. He looked behind him, but Link's room had vanished- he could only see more of this strange hallway. Turning again, he made his way towards the door. Slowly, he reached out one hand and pushed against the wood- but it refused to budge. No matter how hard he pressed against it, it remained resolutely shut.

For some reason, he wasn't keen to leave this door behind, uncooperative as it was- instead, he simply leaned against a nearby wall, glaring at the polished onyx, running any possibilities through his mind of how to penetrate that door's mysteries...

XXXX

"Alright, Mario, time to get up," came a voice through the darkness. "Better hurry- Mom's freaking out. Man, even when we go out of our way to pack up the night before, we're still rushing..."

Mario opened his eyes again- this time, it was his and Link's room in 774, Silent Hill that he saw. Link was already at the door, rushing back downstairs. Mario rubbed his eyes, pressing as hard against them as he could. Yeah, he could feel the pressure- this was reality. "My dreams are getting _way_ too literal," he muttered.

As he was throwing the very last odds and ends he'd brought to the house into his suitcase, he heard what appeared to be an explosion from below- from what he was hearing, Kirby and Meta had decided, in a fit of creativity, to use their powers to swallow their suitcases, carry them to the Great Fox in their stomachs, and regurgitate them there. However, it seemed the suitcases were a little too much for even the twin puffballs to handle- they'd accidentally let them go early, sending them careening down the stairs, and directly into Peach, who'd been crossing the hallway at the time, a piece of toast in hand. With Uli's yells of fury came Sonia Reed's renewed screeches of prejudice.

"YOU MORONS COULD HAVE KILLED HER! WHO EVEN THINKS TO CARRY THEIR SUITCASES IN THEIR-"

"THE MUD BEING SMEARED OVER THE HOUSE OF MY FOREFATHERS COULD NEVER BE SCRUBBED CLEAN, NOT EVEN WITH-"

"IS IT _REALLY_ THAT DIFFICULT TO JUST ROLL THEM ON THE GROUND?! WHAT DO YOU THINK THOSE WHEELS ARE FOR, YOU FOOLS?!"

"ALL THOSE YEARS OF STAUNCH PURENESS OF THE FAIRER BLOOD TYPE, RUINED BY THAT HALF-WIT SON OF MINE!"

Before Mario could reach the door, it crashed open- Zelda rushed in, large bird cage in hand, quickly turning and slamming the door shut, a rather haggard look on her face. "You might not want to go out there for a bit," she addressed Mario, who nodded. Noticing him looking at the aforementioned birdcage, complete with Parakarry the albatross, she elaborated- "he just got back from last night- my parents are really proud!" Her eyes glowing slightly, she asked, "So, you ready?"

"Just about- is Peach alright?" Mario asked, concern in his voice.

"Yeah, she wasn't hurt all that seriously to begin with," Zelda assured him. "It still might be a bit, though- Toad still isn't back from whatever job Philanthropy set him on, and Simon's saying we can't go until we have a full guard."

"We're going to Seatac with a guard?" Mario asked, his eyebrows going up.

"Well, more accurately, _you're_ going to Seatac with a guard," Zelda admitted.

"Why?" Mario asked exasperatedly. "What, Tabuu's gonna be hanging out behind a vending machine or some smeg?"

"Mario, it's Simon we're talking about, you know what he's like," Zelda pointed out. "Let's just hope either he budges, or Toad gets back soon- we don't want to miss the-"

"EVERYBODY WHO'S GOING TO THE SMASH MANSION, DOWNSTAIRS, _NOW!_ " came Uli's voice, still raised in agitation. "EVERYBODY STAYING BEHIND FOR THE SCHOOL YEAR, GO AHEAD AND STAY UP THERE!"

Mario and Zelda shot nervous looks at each other, leapt up, grabbed their suitcases, and surfed them down the stairs.

Sonia was still going at it, but nobody was even bothering at this point. Uli grabbed him as soon as he jumped off his suitcase on the bottom step, raising her voice as much as she could to be heard over her significantly less-awesome counterpart. "MARIO, YOU'RE WITH ME AND KRYSTAL! DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR THINGS, SIMON WILL TAKE CARE OF IT- _AND ROY, YOU AREN'T COMING WITH US, REMEMBER?!"_

Mario turned to see a large wolf with blue eyes padding rapidly down the stairs, tongue hanging out and panting happily.

Uli's glare slowly faded away, until she settled for rolling her eyes. "Love of... okay, you know what? Do whatever you want- but I'm washing my hands of any consequences!"

The blue-eyed beast nodded his acceptance, and Uli turned around, swinging the door open and beckoning everyone out onto the perpetually-foggy streets of Silent Hill.

Taking a headcount of everyone around them, Mario couldn't help but notice a discrepancy with what he'd been led to believe- "Where's Krystal?"

"We're meeting her at the corner between Crichton and Koontz streets," Uli explained.

As they pulled up on said curb, it was to find a young girl with light red hair and a dress to match. Mario blinked. "Excuse me, Miss?" he got her attention. "Have you seen a... talking vixen around here?"

"No, but I've seen a dumb pyromancer," the girl smirked.

"Huh?" Mario was taken aback.

"Oh, come on, it's _me,_ Mario!" the girl spoke with a voice of mischief. She closed her eyes for a second, and when they opened, her former round, black eyes had become narrower, and a familiar, light shade of turquoise. Another blink, and they were back to being round and black. "And I see we have an extra traveler with us today."

Mario turned- and broke into laughter. Roy was currently gamboling around the street, fulfilling just about every single 'overjoyed dog' stereotype in the book- chasing his own tail, diving into clusters of birds, running around streetlights, benches, and trees... he just seemed so happy to finally be stepping out of that dusty old house.

"So, how we getting to Seatac this year?" Link asked as he and Zelda caught up.

"We have to go on foot today," Uli muttered. "Silent Hill doesn't have a taxi service... Rusl tried to get us some government cars, but you've already caught on to what Ryan's like... we're lucky if he'll lend us a quarter for a vending machine..."

It was about a half-hour walk from Silent Hill to Seatac Airport, which we'll go ahead and gloss over due to the lack of anything whatsoever happening during that time. When they arrived at the large building, it was their lot to seek out a special water park advertisement against a certain wall, designed in such a way that the water would ripple around if touched. One by one, everyone covertly made their way over to it, only to pass right through to Platform Q. Mario felt a great warmth in his heart as he gazed up at the large, sci-fi ship currently docked there. After all that crud, he was finally going back...

A few minutes later, Simon appeared, limping along, dragging a large cart of luggage behind him. Glancing around, Mario spied Fox also making his way to their rendevous point, hand on his blaster. "Any trouble, Simon?"

"Aside from that wretched mushroom never showing up, no," Simon shook his head. "Something's gotta be done... this is the third time this week he's been a no-show..."

Fox shook his head as well, before putting on a smile as he turned to the students about to take off. "Take care of yourselves," he said, shaking hands with them, one by one. "If you're ever in trouble, we're only a letter away."

"But be careful what you write to us," Simon put in. "Remember, those demonic sons of b****es have eyes everywhere. If it's something you're not comfortable putting in writing, you're better off talking to Samus- remember, she's in Philanthropy, too."

"Glad to have met you all," put in the young girl Krystal was currently disguised as. "But don't go forgetting about me _too_ quickly- I'm guessing we'll be meeting up again sooner than you think."

A voice rang out from the ship- "Aaaaaall abooooooaaaaarrrrrd!"

For a brief moment, the blue-eyed beast raised itself onto its hind legs, placing its paws up on Mario's shoulders, but Uli quickly dragged him back down. "Have some common sense, Strider!" she hissed. "What if somebody sees you?"

Mario, Zelda, and the Farons rushed on board the Great Fox, suitcases in tow. No sooner had they finished climbing the stairs than they raised up, shutting like a hatch, and the ship shuddered as it lifted off from the ground.

"Maybe Uli was right," Zelda bit her lip. "Maybe he shouldn't have come."

"Nah, I'm with Ro-er, Strider on this one," Link put in, shaking his head as he momentarily struggled to adjust the name he was using for their favorite red-haired swordsman. "Poor guy needs a chance to get out and breath some fresh air every now and again."

"Well, we'd love to stick around here with you guys," Kirby spoke up.

"But Teddy n' us have important things to talk about!" Meta finished. "Catch y'all on the rebound!"

As they bounced off, Zelda raised an eyebrow. "Is that an actual English term?"

"Who cares, my feet are killing me," Mario shrugged. "How about we go find a compartment?"

Link and Zelda cringed. "Er... well... y'see... the thing about that is..." Link stammered out.

"Link and I are supposed to go meet up with the other prefects first," Zelda closed her eyes as she explained.

Mario blinked. "Oh. Right. Of course- silly of me to forget."

Zelda still looked uncomfortable as she added, "Well, it's not like we'll be there the whole trip! The instructions just said to head up there for orientation, then... well, patrol from time to time, but aside from that..."

"Yeah, of course," Mario felt pretty uncomfortable himself. "Well... until then, I guess."

"Looking forward to it," Link assured him, sharing in the discomfort of his two other friends. "You know... you know I'd rather spend the whole trip with you, right? I mean, it's not like I'm Rob- this isn't something I enjoy."

Mario forced a smile as he waved them off. "Yeah, I know. Go- go get the information... all that good stuff..."

He wasn't lying- any resentment he'd had towards them had already disappeared last night- but it didn't stop him from feeling very strange as he watched them go- almost as wrong-footed as back when he'd first ridden this ship, as an uncertain noob of a first year...

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and turned to see Peach giving him a look of sympathy. "Come on- let's go find a compartment, see if we can't save it for them, huh?"

Mario nodded mutely, hoisted his suitcase, and followed Peach through the corridors of the Great Fox.

However, Peach's proposal was easier said than done- just about every compartment they passed was packed full already- or, at the very least, had enough people in them to make saving Link and Zelda seats was unfeasible. On top of that, Mario was being met with very strange behavior as they moved along- several people were giving him some very strange looks, and his mere appearance seemed to be inciting several conversations. Eventually, he remembered that these students had probably spent all summer reading about him as the butt of several jokes in the _Fourside Tribune._ So, then, the question became... How many of them were wondering if it was all true, and how many of them believed it already?

He was broken out of his reverie with a delighted-sounding "Mario! Peach!" A moment later, he felt himself being crushed in a bear hug. Turning, he saw Luigi Luigi, another of his friends from the Smash Mansion, wrapping his arms eagerly around him. As ever, his pet saturn, dubbed simply Mr. Saturn, was sitting on top of his head.

"Hey, Lu," came Peach's amused voice as Luigi finally released him. "What's up?"

"Ah, nothing. Just having some trouble finding a seat- everywhere's full."

"What are you talking about?" Peach asked, gazing into the compartment nearest to them. "This one's just about empty- only one person in it!"

Luigi suddenly burst into stuttering- something about not wanting to impose. Perhaps it could be seen as rude, but Mario couldn't help but notice that he was blushing violently as he did so...

"Oh, don't be ridiculous, it's just Melly Antiqua, she doesn't bite," Peach shook her head as she pulled the door open and ushered the two boys inside. "Hey, Melia," she spoke up again. "We're having trouble finding seats- mind if we sit here?"

Mario blinked as he spied the girl. She had silvery hair, kept close to the sides of her head in an almost 'Princess Leia' hairstyle- curled into buns. She wore a pink dress, boots, and socks that rose up almost to the top of her legs, but the physical feature that immediately caught Mario's eye was the pair of wings sprouting from the sides of her head. At her side, she carried a staff of sorts, and in her hands, she carried a magazine- that she was currently reading upside-down. She looked up at Peach, then simply nodded. Peach thanked her, and they all took their seats- Luigi, face still red, doing everything he could to look away from her. 'Melia' seemed largely indifferent, continuing on with her magazine.

"So, Melia," Peach spoke up, prompting some conversation. "How was your summer?"

"My summer was perfectly acceptable," Melia spoke- her voice carried a high-class British accent- the Queen's English. Glancing at the boys, she introduced herself. "Melia Antiqua. If I'm not mistaken, you're Mario Mario."

"Yeah, that's me," Mario agreed, blinking.

"Pleasure to meet you," Melia nodded, before turning to Luigi. "Hmm... I'm afraid I don't know you."

Luigi cringed, blushing harder than ever. "Lulila! Loleeloo! Lalilulelo!"

"Calm down, Lu, breath into this," Peach said gently, offering him a paper bag. "This is Luigi Luigi. And guys- this is Melia Antiqua. I don't know if you guys remember the FOT from last year, but she was part of my band, along with Maya and Lucina. She's in the same year, but in Retro."

"Nintendoes will die for each other," Melia spoke up. "Sierras will kill for each other. Hals will die together- but Retros will find a way for everyone to survive."

"Yeah... sure," Peach nodded.

"Interesting..." Luigi agreed, eyes on his shoelaces. Turning to Mario, he seemed to brighten. "Oh, hey, Mario, guess what I got for my birthday!"

"Another Sound Stone?" Mario guessed, recalling the translucent blue, round object Luigi had received several years ago.

"Nah," Luigi shrugged. "Though that wouldn't be a bad idea- I lost that other one years ago... but check it!"

He produced from the inside of his pocket a set of five blue, triangular chips. "Blue star chips!" he announced proudly. "These things are rare- they're tied to smashing Phys. Ed, and I'm honestly not sure if even the Smash Mansion has a set of these babies!"

Mario blinked. Most people wouldn't guess from looking at Luigi's rather lanky frame, but he was actually pretty athletic- Phys Ed. was easily his best class. But even with that said, Mario couldn't see what these five blue chips had to do with anything physical. "What... what are they for?"

Luigi froze. "Well... I don't know," he admitted.

"You were so excited about them, but you don't know what they do?"

"No, no, I know what they do," Luigi corrected him quickly. "I said I don't know what they're _for._ What they do is that- well, you put them together, and they make a pull star- and those mess around with the gravity of the area, let you do some really unique workouts! Check it out!" He pushed the chips together, locking them in place. When the final chip was added, the blue star they formed created a circle around it, floating into the air. Mario watched with interest- there _was_ something beautiful about it...

Until the gravity in the compartment abruptly went haywire, sending everyone and everything flying around in an insane twister. Mario yelped as he clung onto his hat, Luigi and Peach screamed and clutched onto each other, and Melia retained an expression of complete indifference, licking her thumb and turning the page of her magazine as she went hurtling through the air.

Finally, Luigi, the buttons on his overalls coming undone, managed to grab onto the pull star, reaching out, grabbing a corner, and pulling as hard as he could. The chip removed itself from the whole, and everyone went crashing back down to the ground- Mario and Peach landed in a clump like they'd just participated in an intense game of Twister, Melia ended up on her back in her seat, with Luigi landing right on top of her, overalls undone around his waist, bulbous nose pressed into Melia's chest.

Mario was just wondering if everything could get any more awkward when the compartment door slid open, revealing Pauline Dama, seeker for the Retro Smash-Up team and Mario's not-so-secret crush. Looking up from his attempts to disentangle his limbs from Peach's, Mario turned almost as red as his hat. "Oh... hi."

"Hi, Mario," Pauline repeated. "I just wanted... to see how you were doing. Glad to see you're doing fine... bye."

And the door shut. Mario groaned as he finally separated himself from Peach, pulling his hat over his head as Peach took the seat next to him. Of all the times for Pauline to walk in on him...

When he finally looked up, it was to see Melia and Luigi still in the same position from a minute or so ago- Melia flat on her back, still reading her magazine, as Luigi stared, wide-eyed, at the rather compromising position in which he'd landed on her. Eventually, as she casually turned another page, Melia spoke. "Would you mind getting off me, now? It _is_ starting to get a bit uncomfortable."

Luigi quickly leapt off her, pulling his overalls back on as they were intended to be, nervously spluttering all the while. Melia honestly didn't seem to care overly much- she simply returned to her old sitting position, and continued reading.

And so it came to be that the next hour or so was spent in an _incredibly_ awkward silence.

XXXX

A silence, in fact, that was only broken as the door slid open again, revealing Link and Zelda, finally arriving. "Something up?" Link asked, staring at the red faces of everyone except Melia.

"Nothing, nothing," Mario shook his head quickly. "So, what's the buzz?"

"Well, there are two prefects from each group," Zelda recalled. "One boy and one girl. Three guesses who Sierra chose..."

"You have _got_ to be kidding me," Mario muttered, rubbing his eyes. "It _can't_ be..."

"Right in one," Link nodded, ushering Luigi out of his seat next to Mario, pressing him into the window seat next to Melia. "Bowser flipping Dragmire."

"And because they chose the boy so well, they went ahead and made that total _winnicott,_ Maria Sheikah, the girl prefect," Zelda grumbled, taking the other seat next to Melia.

"What about Hal?" Mario asked.

"Lucas Ikari and Chie Satonaka," Link recalled.

"As far as Retro goes, it's Shulk Clairvoya and Fado Kokiri," Zelda added.

"You went to the Festival of Trees with Fado Kokiri," came a sudden voice. Everyone looked around, surprised, until they saw Melia, putting the magazine down momentarily, looking at Link.

"Well, yeah," said tunic-wearing swordsman agreed, looking surprised. "I... I remember that, too."

"She didn't have much good to say about that," Melia recalled. "She said she wished you danced with her more. Personally, I wouldn't have minded- I don't care much for dancing."

With that, she went back to her magazine. Link opened and closed hismouth a few times, looking around at the others for explanation. Mario was shrugging, Zelda, facepalming, Peach, struggling not to laugh, and Luigi was back to just looking uncomfortable.

"Well, we're... we're supposed to run a couple of patrols up and down the ship every now and again," he said, still looking uncertain. "Hand out punishments if people are misbehaving... so you can guess I'll be springing on Ganondorf and Wario."

"I won't let you abuse that badge, Link," Zelda spoke up, looking firm. "There's a lot of meaning behind it, I won't let you disgrace-"

"Who's disgracing it?" Link shrugged, leaning back. "Besides Bowser, that is."

"So two wrongs make a right?"

"No, but three rights make a left," Link smirked. "Besides, it's Ganondorf and Wario we're talking about- I don't have to frame them for anything- they'll get into it all by themselves."

"That's an impartial way of thinking about it," Zelda scoffed.

Ignoring her, Link turned to Mario. "Hey, Mario, what say we give Wario some lines to copy out? Eh, eh? _I must not walk around with a butt for a chin?_ "

Laughter went around the room at this, but the hardest laughter came, not from Mario, or from Peach, but from _Melia,_ who absolutely fell _apart,_ cackling almost like a witch. Tears were streaming from her eyes as Parakarry and Riki awoke and began looking around, afraid a hyena had somehow found its way aboard the ship.

Link blinked, turning to Peach. "Is... is she making fun of me?"

Peach shrugged, while Mario directed his attention to the magazine Melia had been reading. Looking at a list of headlines in the issue, one in particular caught Mario's eye- _**Roy Alluvia- A Villain? Or is he Just Drawn that Way?**_

Mario looked up at Melia, a spark of hope in his stomach. "Mind if I gloss over this real quick?"

Melia nodded, still laughing as she waved for him to go ahead.

Mario flicked it open. Sure enough, this magazine was the _Alcamoth Times-_ the very magazine Gordon Freeman had given to Rusl to pass on to Roy. Finally, he found the article-

 _ **Roy Alluvia**_

 _ **Vile Mass Murderer or Beloved Rock and Roll Legend?**_

 _Fourteen years ago, a heinous crime took place- the murder of twelve muggles and two smashers, alongside the betrayal of two of the most prominent fighters in the war against the Great Darkness. At the time, there seemed to be little doubt that the perpetrator was none other than erstwhile friend of several of the victims, Roy Alluvia, whose life sentence in Subspace Prison ended two years ago with his startling escape. With the government commencing one of the largest manhunts in history for him, there seems little doubt in anyone's mind that Roy deserves every moment of suffering he endures at the hands of the floows... but does he?_

 _To the Times' surprise, evidence has come to light that Mr. Alluvia may, indeed, be innocent of the crimes for which he was convicted. In fact, he may not have even been in the same country that the incident took place in._

" _What many people fail to realize is that Roy Alluvia was leading a double life," says Hanna Clamp, London. "In one life, he is, indeed, Roy Alluvia, but in the other, he replaced Paul McCartney just after his death, many years ago, at which the Beatles have hinted at so many times. It was a great shock to me to see Paul in the paper, being sent to Subspace for those gruesome murders, especially considering that, at the time of the murders, we'd been enjoying dinner at the Rainforest Café. I have written to the Government, and expect them to give him a pardon any day now._

Mario blinked as the article came to a close. This... this was a joke, right? There was no way that article was meant to be taken seriously, was it? He knew the Miami Herald often had joke columns by Dave Barry... clearly, something similar was going on here. If he just turned the page, he'd find a much saner article, like...

 _ **The Checkered Past of Andrew Ryan**_

 _Andrew Ryan, current President of Smashing, has denied on several occasions that he has any animosity towards any of the various races that inhabit the world of the smashers. He has always insisted that he fully supports cooperation, not just between traditionally warring races, such as toads and goombas, but between smashers from all walks of life. However, his past and future plans may indicate something a tad more sinister._

 _A former issue of the Times has already revealed that Andrew Ryan was the 'Gunman from the Grassy Knoll' who_ truly _assassinated John F. Kennedy all those years ago, framing alleged killer Lee Harvey Oswald. However, in said issue, we were unable to provide a motive for_ why _he would do such a thing. Now, three months later, we have our answer._

 _Sources close to the President would indicate that Andrew Ryan has a secret ambition- to construct a city beneath the ocean, far away from the rest of civilization, where smashers specifically of the human race would congregate, to live under true laissez-faire principals- with no intervention from the government, where every person is entitled to the sweat on their brow. No doubt JFK came too close to the truth... One is now left to wonder what they will do when the time comes to determine who will scrub the toilets._

Mario stared. So... apparently, they thought President Ryan had secret plans for an underwater city that would shun any smashers not born as humans? Okay, he'd readily admit that he knew Ryan had his flaws, but this seemed ridiculous even to him. Was there a single sane article in this magazine?

Apparently, Zelda didn't think so- she snorted when she saw him flicking through it. "Oh, come on, Mario, why are you reading that? Every word printed in the _Alcamoth Times_ is a load of bull, everyone knows it."

"Excuse me?" came Melia's voice, suddenly very cold. "My father decides what articles get into that paper."

Zelda's voice caught in her throat. "Well, on the other hand- that is to say, I mean..."

"If you're _quite_ finished with it," Melia scoffed, snatching it back from Mario, who simply stared.

Before any further conversation could commence, the compartment door opened again, revealing Bowser Dragmire, flanked, as freaking ever, by Ganondorf and Wario.

"Once, just once, I'd like to enjoy a ride on the Great Fox without you three smegging it up," Mario muttered, turning to them. "Alright, say what you want and get out. Just be quick- it can't be much longer until we land."

"You'd best be showin' some respect, dawg," Bowser reprimanded, a smirk crossing his fang-filled mouth. "Time for you to bow down to yo' superiors and respect mah authoritah!"

"Thanks, Cartman," Peach scoffed.

"Now, now, Peach, don't be too harsh," Mario reprimanded her. "Cartman doesn't need you flinging that kind of mud on his name."

Bowser frowned. "Yo' pretty smug for losin' out ta Faron, homey. How's it feel to be second-best to the guy who has to forage through the dumpster fo' every meal?"

"Bowser, we realize you're trying to emulate gangsters," Zelda sighed, "but it really just comes across as... stupid."

"'Least I _got_ somethin' o' my own," Bowser scoffed. "'Least I don't gotta skulk 'round Seatac like a flippin' _dog,_ dawg. Well, that's all I gotta say. See y'all at the Smash Mansion."

Zelda quickly shut the door behind the 'Smash Mansion Dark Trio' as they left, chuckling. When she turned to Mario, he could see she shared his fears- was it just a _coincidence_ that Bowser should refer to dogs skulking around Seatac the same day Roy arrived, disguised as an ancestor to the modern canine? He wished they could talk freely- unfortunately, however, Luigi and Melia were present, and while Melia might recognize Roy as Paul McCartney, there was no telling what Luigi would think.

The sky didn't seem to know what to do with itself as they continued their travel towards the Smash Mansion. It grew dark, foggy and gloomy, only for the sun to come out and break everything up, only for the clouds to consume it all over again. Mario had been eagerly awaiting his first sight of the Smash Mansion, but signs began to indicate it wouldn't be coming any time soon as the clouds finally came back and signaled their intention to stay by shedding some heavy rainfall.

Finally, the Great Fox landed on the ground with a light bump. Link and Zelda left prematurely, fulfilling their prefectual duties of overseeing the disembarking of the ship. Mario waited for Peach, Luigi, and Melia to make their final preparations, then headed out into the hall with them.

As they stepped out into the Kurain Village Airport, Mario kept his ears peeled for the long-awaited call of "Noobies! Noobies be comin' dis way! All da noobies be comin' ova heah!" But it never came.

Instead, there came another voice- a cold female one, calling out, "First years! All first years, over here! All first years to me!"

Mario looked through the darkness to spy Kjelle Sheh, the traditional substitute teacher of Smashing Creatures and Wildlife Manager when the Crazy Hand was absent. "Wh- where's Crazy?"

"No idea," Peach shrugged. "Come on, let's get up to the carriages..."

Mario felt cold as he followed Peach up the usual path. Where could Crazy have gone? Seeing the insane hand again was one of the things he'd been looking forward to the most! _Maybe... maybe he just has a cold, or something. Right. He's not... he's not in any danger..._

XXXX

"Comin' 'long, buddies! Brudda, come on! We gotsta get goin'- we gotta get out 'for dey be findin' us!"

"L...L... _L..._ LOOOOOOOOOOOVE!"

XXXX

Peach led him up the hill to where the usual horseless carriages waited to carry them up to the Smash Mansion. As Peach looked around for Link and Zelda, Mario found himself face-to-face with... wait a minute.

The carriages... they were... well, they were still horseless, but... they were now being pulled by something. A very strange something that sent shivers down Mario's spine. They seemed to be floating black balls with a dark aura around them, but with faces... evil, wicked-looking faces... large, dark eyes, and wide, grinning mouths with two prominent fangs... _Why_? he couldn't help wondering. Why were these things suddenly so necessary to pull the carriages that had shown themselves, in the past, to be perfectly capable of independent movement?

"So, what do you think about Crazy?" came Link's voice from behind him. He turned to see the swordsman approaching. "I was surprised to see that Kjelle woman again..."

"Hard telling," Mario shook his head. "Here's hoping he's okay..."

"That son of a b****," came an agitated-sounding voice- Mario and Link both spun, wondering if Simon had somehow followed them, but no- it was _Zelda._ "Bowser," she established when she saw them gaping at her. "He was threatening to get that second-year back there expelled if he didn't get out of the carriage he wanted... this is going right to the Master Hand, no prefect should be acting like that..."

As the Golden Trio and Peach got into the carriage, Melia arrived. "Mind if I join you?" she asked.

Mario shrugged and reached out to help her up into the carriage, before turning to Link. "So, what do you think those things are?"

"Things? What things?" Link asked obliviously.

"Those balls pulling the carriage!" Mario pointed in front of them- Link was less than a foot from the one behind him.

And yet, when Link turned, looked, and turned back, it was with a look of confusion on his face. "What are you talking about?"

"They're right there!" Mario said agitatedly. "Right... freaking... there!"

When Link still looked confused, a sneaking suspicion began to overcome Mario. "You... you _do_ see them... don't you?"

"What are you trying to show me?"

"The things pulling the carriages!"

Link blinked. "There's nothing pulling them, Mario. They're pulling themselves. Like always."

Mario was bewildered- he glanced at the floating orbs one last time- no, he _couldn't_ be hallucinating... they were right there... weren't they?

For the second time that day, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see Melia giving him the same look of sympathy Peach had given him earlier. "Don't worry about it," she spoke gently. "You're not going mad- I see them too. They've been here all along- I've been able to see them since my first year. You're just as sane as I am."

Mario would never say it out loud, but recalling the magazine she'd been reading earlier, along with the general sense of... 'out-there-ness' she'd been giving off... he didn't find that thought to be the most comforting in the world.

 _XXXX_

So, how about that Civil War? I saw Civil War, it was a good Civil War, I think you guys should go see Civil War, too. Did I mention I like Civil War?

... Yeah, if you guys couldn't guess, I really enjoyed _Captain America, Civil War._ I got together with my family for Mother's Day and went to go see it- which happens to be part of why this chapter's coming out so much later than I said it would. Before we wrap things up here, though, a few quick answers to deal out, starting with... Feline Within!

Q: So, Rusl's a manakete? A: Well, I hadn't really thought about that, but then again, we never _did_ establish what his power is...

Q: Did the Master Hand turn into his relative? A: Well, he certainly borrowed his clothes and some hairstyling tips. The rest of the resemblance was more down to simple genetics.

And, just a quick shout-out to Feline Within for guessing two things- correctly identifying, first off, the Haruhi Suzumiya chapter titles that we're beginning to see, and second, for guessing, way back at the end of _Bottle of Lightning,_ that Melia would be Luna! Maybe some of you disagree with me, but going back and playing _Xenoblade,_ she really stuck out to me- she's one of my favorite characters, and while she's not _exactly_ like Luna, (obviously,) she shares enough traits with her that I couldn't think of anybody better suited. Hope you guys like her as much as I do!

Alright, that's about all for this chapter! Until next time, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	11. The Water Pump's Speech

Gamer4 in. Sorry I'm late, I got a surprise job offer at the local grocery store, things have been relatively busy. Before we begin, I'll break the mold a tad and answer a question up here- specifically, FelineWithin's question regarding the Gastlies pulling the carriages. The fact of the matter is, I was never that much of a Pokemon fan- I'm pretty familiar with the series, and I loved the show when I was a kid, but I'm not intimately familiar with some of the ins and outs of the games and lore. And, since I'm an author who prides himself on faithfulness to the source material (Roy's last name is Eliwood!)... Shut up... as an author who prides himself on faithfulness to the source material (Candy Kong is Diddy Kong's girlfriend!)... shut _up..._ as an author who prides himself on faithfulness to the source material (Kjelle constantly acts like a jack- *gunshot.*) Okay, yeah, you get the point, I mess up on a lot of things, but I generally do strive to have _some_ amount of consistency with the games I love so much, so I need to ask any Pokemon fans out there- just how attuned _are_ Gastlies to flight? Their evolved forms, Haunters? Not sure if it really changes anything at this point, but if I'm so far off the mark on this one that I might as well be in a different _country,_ I might be forced to reconsider this choice. To let me know, please R&R, constructive criticism- oh, wait, this is the beginning. Sorry about that, let's get on with the actual chapter.

Disclaimer: Don't know how many of you know this song, but the only alternative was 'Bear Necessities...' A long, long time ago, I can still remember how that music used to make me smile... and I knew if I had my chance, I could make those people dance, and maybe they'd be happy for a while...

Chapter XI

The Water Pump's Speech

No longer willing to push the matter, Mario decided to drop the issue of the strange, gaseous orbs currently dragging them up to the mansion. No, he was quite content to lean back and allow Peach to take the reigns of the conversation. "So, everyone notice that Kjelle's back? Wonder why? Crazy's not in trouble, is he?"

"Honestly, I would not be entirely broken up if the Hand were to not be teaching this year," Melia abruptly spoke up. "Over in Retro, we decided the Master Hand appointed him as a joke."

"A joke, huh?" Link asked derisively. "What, because Kjelle left out half the student body from her lessons?"

"Nothing to do with Kjelle," Melia shook her head. "Only... caterpiles and ultimate chimaeras do not a good curriculum make."

Link still had a solid frown on his face as he turned to Mario. "Hey, you sure this girl's right for this story?"

"Like I have any say in it," Mario scoffed.

"I'm sure you could put in a word with Gamer4."

"Like that winnicott ever listens to me?"

"More likely you than anyone else."

"You know what? Fine- we'll test her," Mario sighed. Looking out, he felt himself brighten as his gaze raked up the large hill, at the top of which was perched an even larger mansion- the Smash Mansion, glowing like a beacon in the night. "Look!" he called everyone's attention to him. "The Smash Mansion!"

Catching on, Link grinned. "The Smash Mansion!"

Zelda sighed. "The Smash Mansion!"

Peach giggled. "The Smash Mansion!"

Luigi's eyes brightened as he carried it on. "The Smash Mansion!"

"It's only a model," Melia shrugged dismissively.

Mario couldn't help smiling. "Sorry, Link, she stays."

"Dangit," Link muttered under his breath.

Finally, the carriages came to a halt, the students disembarked, and with one last glance back at those strange spheres, Mario turned and followed his friends, at long last, into the foyer of the Smash Mansion. He couldn't stop a wide smile from gracing his features as he took in the great chamber, large enough to accommodate several small houses, with light coming at once from everywhere and nowhere. He was almost prepared to skip as he headed towards the Dining Hall- all that crud, and he was finally back!

His good mood was dampened only slightly as he noticed, out of the corner of his eyes, several students staring at him- it was much the same treatment he'd received on board the Great Fox. Forget them, this was his real home, he wasn't going to let any amount of staring put him off.

Melia separated from them, heading towards the table laid out for Retro, where Mario couldn't help but notice she was being given a wide berth- only a couple students, including Shulk Clairvoya and Fiora Uzuki, seemed ready to approach her. Peach headed over to some of her own friends, and Mario, Luigi, Link, and Zelda took their usual spots next to Pit, Nintendo's resident ghost. The moment his butt made contact with his seat, Mario turned his eyes up to the staff table and scanned it... then scanned it again, though he knew there was no point- the one he was looking for stuck out like a sore thumb- on a hand that had no other fingers.

"He... he's not there."

Link and Zelda followed the same scanning procedure, and came to the same conclusion. "He didn't leave, right?" Link asked.

"No... no, he'd never leave the Master Hand." Mario was certain of it.

They both turned to Zelda, who had her patented 'thinking-things-over' face on. "So... any theories, Zelda?" Link asked.

"I think..." Zelda answered slowly, beckoning them closer, glancing over her shoulder to ensure no one else heard, "I think... he might still be on that job. Remember, last year, the Master Hand sent him on a top-secret job for Philanthropy?"

"Sounds reasonable," Link nodded. "But... that doesn't really mean I'm happy about it."

Zelda was about to speak again, when abruptly, her jaw dropped, her eyes popping out as she looked up at the staff table. "Who the flip..."

Mario turned and saw who she was looking at. As previous chapters have probably informed you, there was one seat at the staff table that never seemed to keep a single resident- the chair right next to the headmaster's, the chair for the teacher of Protection from the Evils. Currently sitting in that chair, whispering in the direction of the Master Hand, was a short, squat man dressed in ludicrously stereotypical middle-eastern clothing, particularly his hat, and even now, still with a banana in his hand that he gnawed away at in between his sentences.

"Fassad?" Mario wondered out loud.

"Who's putting on a facade?" Zelda asked, confused.

"No, that guy," Mario shook his head. "He's Fassad- Fassad Yokuba, he was at my trial, he works directly for Andrew Ryan!"

"Loving the hat," Link smirked. "Hope he doesn't wear it near the Tumblr crowd..."

Zelda, however, was frowning. "No..." she muttered, seemingly to herself. "No... they wouldn't... they _couldn't..._ "

Mario would have asked her what she was talking about, but Kjelle had just appeared at the staff table, assuming the chair that usually belonged to the Crazy Hand. That could only mean one thing... and sure enough, a second later, the doors to the foyer swung open, and in came Samus Aran, leading a large group of noobs into the hall, ready to be sorted into their various groups. As Samus climbed to the head of the hall, a silence fell over the students. Pikachu provided a bench, and, almost as if from nowhere, Samus provided a strange object that resembled the lovechild of a water pump and a backpack- the FLUDD whose job it was to perform the sorting. She placed it on the bench, and turned to the noobs. "When I call your name-"

*Cough, cough,*

Everyone looked around in surprise, surprise that didn't exactly dissipate when they realized it was the _FLUDD_ that had just coughed. As everyone stared, it seemed to speak, the nozzle moving up and down as a robotic voice filled the hall. "Ms. Aran, if it is all the same to you, I request permission to offer this speech for myself this year."

Samus blinked, but shrugged and stepped back, giving a motion that said, _You have the floor._

"Thank you," the FLUDD bowed its nozzle in thanks before turning to the hall at large. Another cough. "Before we begin the sorting this year, I have a tale to tell- a tale of triumph, sorrow, and- most of all- caution.

"Several thousands of years ago, smashers did not enjoy the great standard of living they do now. In those times, they were persecuted by muggles who feared our potential to harm them. Initial attempts from both sides to coexist peacefully met with dismal failure, and bit by bit, smashers began to withdraw to safer refuges.

"In this time, the greatest group of smashers of all was a four-man team- Chuggaaconroy, Proton Jon, Josh Jepson, and Nintendo Capri Sun. These four smashers had honed their powers almost to perfection- the only thing stronger were the bonds that tied them together. One day, they devised a plan- they believed the first step to true peace between smashers and muggles was to teach smashers to control their powers from a young age, guide them along the proper path, and hopefully alleviate some of the fear that the muggles felt so deeply. And so, they came out here, to the outskirts of this country, and constructed this mansion, where they proceeded to invite their friends and begin a school dedicated to their goals.

"At first, all seemed well- many of their friends came, ready to pass their knowledge on to the next generation, and leadership of the school was divided evenly between the four founders. However, even then, a rift began to show itself- each founder valued separate ideals, looked for different virtues within their students. Chuggaaconroy valued bravery and nobility- Josh Jepson, wisdom and intelligence- Nintendo Capri Sun, loyalty and hard work, and Proton Jon, the ambition and cunning necessary to achieve true power.

"A debate one night resulted in the most peaceful solution- the splitting of the school into four separate groups- Chuggaconroy founded Nintendo, NCS, Hal, Josh Jepson, Retro, and Proton Jon, Sierra. A fine solution, one that stopped the fighting before it began, with only one nagging worry at the back of the founders' minds- for now, it was all well and good, but what would they do once they inevitably passed on? What impartial third party could they entrust to sort after that?

"At the time, I was an artifact Chuggaaconroy had discovered on one of his travels- and it was he who produced me to the other three. They granted me the gift of life eternal, with the single task of sorting the newest students at the start of every year. You need only approach the bench, don me on your back, as Chuggaa did so many times, and I will tell you which group you are best suited to."

"Thank you," Samus nodded. "Now, when I call your name-"

"Excuse me, but I had not quite finished yet," the FLUDD interrupted. Samus looked slightly affronted, but backed off again. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes...

"For a time, all problems seemed solved... until one day, Proton Jon approached the others with a revelation he'd had- he believed that muggle-born students could not be trusted to receive their education from this school. He believed that, given the opportunity to sell the school out to muggles in return for forgiveness of their sins- of being born smashers- that muggle-borns would take it. The others, however, disagreed." Mario glanced over at Sierra, and the ghost that floated there- the ghost of Proton Jon himself, looking increasingly sour as the speech continued. He knew Jon went into his afterlife regretting those beliefs- and their consequences- more than anything, wishing every day he could take it all back. Reliving it now could only be uncomfortable...

"Eventually, the rift grew into the event that I refer to, in my own head, as the Smash Bros. Civil War," the FLUDD continued. "The various teachers turned against each other, taking sides with either Jon or Chuggaa... the students turned against each other, following their various teachers into the war over blood... it is a time that I wish to never see again. The hospital wing was perpetually filled... friends became enemies... enemies became temporary allies... it was as if the Metal Gear series were being played out within the halls of our fair mansion, though, I am proud to say, there were no deaths.

"It only ended when, one day, Proton Jon took leave of the school- never to return. With his departure, the fighting stopped, yes... but to say Chuggaa had won would be a bit of an overstatement. With Proton Jon's departure, the school felt more... hollow than it had before. A piece of us went missing that day, a truly irreplaceable piece. I am sad to say that ever since that day, the four groups of the Smash Mansion have never been as truly united as the founders once wished to see.

"You may wonder why I am telling you this story- for good reason. You see, every year, it is my fate to separate you all into your different groups, so I will. However, a lurking fear gnaws at the back of my mind, stronger this year than ever before- the fear that dividing you all in this way will bring us back to that Civil War all over again. Dark times are fast approaching, unity among every Smash Sister and every Smash Brother is becoming more imperative than ever before... and so I implore all of you, though you may be divided into different groups, remember, at the end of the day, we still stand united under the same roof. Do not let history repeat itself- united, we stand, divided, we fall. Thank you."

A dead silence fell over the hall, everyone staring up at the water pump as it fell silent. When Samus spoke again, it was with her eyebrows raised and a slight stutter in her voice. "So... when... when I call your name..."

Link turned his own raised eyebrows towards Mario. "Never heard the old FLUDD give a speech before."

"Yeah," Mario agreed. "Honestly, I think this is the first time since my sorting I've even heard it talk..."

Zelda turned to Pit. "Has it ever said anything like that before?"

"A couple times," Pit nodded. "Any time it senses danger approaching, it'll give that speech, tell its story. Always the same moral- he said it better than I can."

Eventually, the sorting completed, Pikachu and Samus took away the FLUDD and its bench, and the Master Hand rose up. "Welcome, welcome one and all to another year at the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing! There is a time for talking... which isn't now! Let the feast... begin!"

And, as ever, food appeared on the plates up and down the hall, apparently from nowhere, but Mario and co. knew better- the yoshis in the Smash Mansion's kitchens were sending it up, light in their eyes at the thought that those above were enjoying the food they'd worked so hard to make...

The Master Hand had made the feast sound like a competition, and if one was observing the feast from over Link's shoulder, they may indeed come to that conclusion- he was loading his plate almost to the point that the metal was beginning to bend, then began wolfing it down as fast as he could. He always _was_ a big eater. Mario, for his part, dove into a large bowl of his old standby- long, cooked noodles swimming in tomato sauce. A bowl so large, in fact, that he raised no objections when Luigi decided to assist him in emptying it- it was almost the size of a bathtub, after all...

By the time he'd finished, he was very much ready to turn in for the night- his bed would feel even better than usual after all the crud he'd been through since he'd slept in it last. But, of course, the Master Hand had his own speech to give first.

"Ah, the feasts here never fail to impress," the Master Hand sounded bright and cheery as he took the floor again. "Now, I know that listening to an old geezer droning on and on is hardly at the top of your to-do lists, but I beg your attention anyways- I have a few notices to give out. First off- that big, dark forest at the edge of the grounds that looks like a serial killer is hiding behind every tree? Don't go in there. A few of our older students..." Mario and Link hid behind their hats, while Zelda allowed herself to sink beneath the table, "should know this by now. In addition, Mido has grown increasingly agitated of the various powers being used in the hallways- he says this is the nine thousand and first consecutive time he's had to bring this up with me, so I implore you in turn- refrain from using your powers in the hallways. They're only for use in class, m'kay?

"As you may have noticed, there are two new teachers on hand this year- Kjelle Sheh, for Smashing Creatures, and Fassad Yokuba, for Protection from the Evils!"

There was some applause, but it was generally pretty half-hearted. Mario, Link, and Zelda, meanwhile, were glancing nervously at each other- Kjelle would be taking Smashing Creatures... for how long? Where was Crazy?

XXXX

"Come'n, brudda! Youz gotsa be leavin' da monkey behind! We gotsta get goin'!"

"G...Go...Gori..."

"...Youz be sayin' sometin?"

"L...l...l... _LOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE!"_

XXXX

"In addition, if any of you wish to try out for your group's Smash-Up team, contact-"

"Nwe-hem!"

Everyone looked around wildly for the second time that night. It wasn't immediately obvious, the guy's legs were so short and stumpy, but it seemed Fassad Yokuba had just risen to his feet, and wasn't intent on sitting again until he said... whatever it was he was going to say.

The Master Hand seemed taken aback- never, to Mario's knowledge, had he been interrupted in such a way. Nevertheless, he retained his composure, quietly returning to his chair and offering the same _You have the floor_ motion Samus had offered the FLUDD not that long ago.

"Thank you, thank you very much, Mr. Hand, for the food and the words of recognition," Fassad spoke in that strangely high-pitched voice of his. He gave a cough that sounded more like a cackle, ("Nwehe...") and continued. "It has been so long since I stood here in the halls of the Smash Mansion, just a young student from Retro! Seeing all these young, bright faces truly warms my heart!"

Mario stared- did this guy think he'd stumbled into a preschool? Apparently- "I seek only to make this place the safest of spaces, and to find true happiness for us all!"

At these words, it seemed like half the hall broke down into silent laughter- just from his vantage point, Mario could spy Saria Kokiri and Ilia Ordona laughing into each others' shoulders, and it was much the same story with the Faron twins and their third ranger at the Smash Mansion, Teddy Ellay.

Another "Nwe-hem!" and Fassad continued speaking, now in a boring, dull, 'ripped-directly-from-the-source-material' kind of way. "The Government of Smashing has always considered the education of young smashers to be of vital importance. The rare gifts with which you were born may come to nothing if not nurtured and honed by careful instruction. The ancient skills unique to the Smashing community must be passed down through the generations lest we lose them forever. The treasure trove of smashing knowledge amassed by our ancestors must be guarded, replenished, and polished by those who have been called to the noble profession of teaching."

Fassad turned his attention briefly to the his fellow teachers, where Mario saw only animosity almost on the level of what had been directed towards Tingle Limpah three years earlier. Back to his incredibly uninspired speech.

"Every headmaster and headmistress of the Smash Bros. has brought something new to the weighty task of governing this historic school, and that is as it should be, for without progress there will be stagnation and decay. There again, progress for progress's sake must be discouraged, for our tried and tested traditions often require no tinkering. A balance, then, between old and new, between permanence and change, between tradition and innovation..."

Mario had already read this speech several times on his many read-throughs of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix-_ it bored him then, and it bored him now. He could see plenty of other students around the hall allowing their attention to drift- Shulk and Fiora were speaking to each other over at the Retro table, Melia had produced her copy of the _Alcamoth Times_ once more, Pauline Dama was talking to her friends, and over at the Sierra table, Waluigi was giving some speech of his own, accompanied with much flourishing of his hands, watched by an exasperated Robin and Lucina...

The only student Mario could see paying full attention was, as you may have already guessed, Zelda, who was crinkling her nose as though she smelt something repulsive- apparently, whatever she was getting from this incredibly dull, vacuum-cleaner, cookie-cutter speech, she didn't care much for it.

"... because some changes will be for the better, while others will come, in the fullness of time, to be recognized as errors of judgement. Meanwhile, some old habits will be retained, and rightly so, whereas others, outmoded and outworn, must be abandoned. Let us move forward, then, into a new era of openness, effectiveness, and accountability, intent on preserving what ought to be preserved, perfecting what needs to be perfected, and pruning wherever we find practices that ought to be prohibited."

Whereupon he finally sat back down. The Master Hand led the staff in clapping, and steadily, as the students who'd fallen asleep woke up and realized they _should_ be clapping, the applause began to spread.

As it died back down, the Master Hand allowed himself a nod. "Thank you very much, Mr. Yokuba, I feel I understand you so much more now. Now, for those of you who wish to join the Smash-Up teams-"

"Oh, I understand you alright," Zelda muttered. "Crystal freaking clear."

"Cut the preamble and just skip to the part where you tell us what all that BS meant," Mario grunted.

"Don't you know? It's the exact same speech from the book."

"It's been a while..."

"Look," Zelda sighed, "it means he's a plant."

"Don't you mean a fruit?" Link smirked.

Zelda shot him a glare. "No, a plant- the Government sent him to keep an eye on us."

Finally, the feast was over, and everyone began to rise from their seats. Zelda tapped Link on the shoulder- "Hey, Link, the noobs- we need to show them where to go."

"Oh, right- hey, noobs, over here! All noobs follow me! Noobs, come this way!" Link smiled at Mario and Zelda's exasperated looks. "Always wanted to do that."

Mario sighed and turned towards the foyer, beginning his own lonesome walk up. He'd only made it up a few stairs, however, when he was accosted by a pair of fourth years- Pichu and Plusle Minun. "Mario! Hey, hey Mario!" Pichu called out happily.

Mario sighed as he turned to his self-appointed biggest fan. "Hey, Pichu."

"Ask him, ask him, ask him!" Plusle, Pichu's little brother, squeaked, bouncing with excitement.

"I'm going to!" Pichu nodded happily. "So, Mario, they're saying you're lying about the Great Darkness being back and all! Is it true?" Mario was on the verge of opening his mouth when Pichu shook his head. "I guess it doesn't really matter- you're the man! Even if you _are_ lying, there's gotta be a good reason behind it! Probably some super secret plan you have to make the world a better place, right? Didn't I tell you how awesome this guy is, Plusle?"

"Sure did!" Plusle nodded, eyes glittering.

"Freaking awesome!" Pichu cheered. "Well, see you back up in the hub, Mario!"

They dashed off, leaving Mario feeling very conflicted. On the one hand, they believed _in_ him, but on the other hand... they didn't actually believe _him._ He began climbing again.

Could he really blame them, he wondered? After all, from their point of view, he'd just arrived on the outskirts of a labyrinth, soaking in blood, carrying Donkey Kong's dead body, raving about Tabuu being back... could he really blame his fellow students for their skepticism?

He looked up to find himself in front of Rosalina, guardian portrait of the Nintendo hub. Only then did he realize that he didn't know the password. "Er... um... uh..."

"I can't let you in without the password," Rosalina stood firm.

"Come on, Rose, you've known me for four years, now."

"Rules are rules, Mario," Rosalina shook her head.

"I've got it!" came a shout behind him- Mario turned to see Luigi dashing up behind him, looking overjoyed. "I've got it this time, Mario, I've got it! For once, I've got this password in the bag- blue star!"

"Glad to see you honing your memory for once," Rosalina nodded before swinging open for the two of them.

Mario was glad to finally be breathing in the atmosphere of the Nintendo hub... but it was starting to look like some of his fellow Nintendoes wanted to talk to him, a sentiment he did _not_ share, so he decided to follow Luigi up the stairs to the boys' dorm.

As the two of them entered, they immediately spied Ness Levi and Diddy Kong, their two roommates, milling around and unpacking their luggage. Their voices turned off as they entered- Mario wondered if they had been talking about him. His next course of action was to glance in the mirror to see if he'd suddenly turned into Simon Belmont.

"Hey, Mario, how's it going?!" Ness asked cheerfully, coming up behind him as he opened up his suitcase at the foot of his bed. "What's been going on in your world?"

"It's a long story," Mario muttered. "A _very_ long story. How about you?"

"I've been chillin'," Ness shrugged. "Bouncin' 'round the world- visited a pen pal of mine over in Dalaam... definitely have nothin' to complain about, when I look over at Diddy."

"Diddy?" Luigi asked, looking over with an eyebrow raised. "Something wrong?"

Diddy was much quieter than usual as he adjusted a poster of his Smash-Up team on the wall. It took him a while to turn back towards the others. When he did, he spoke with an off voice that didn't sound much like him. "My... my parents didn't want me coming this year."

"They what?" Mario asked, surprised.

"They didn't want me to come back to the Smash Mansion," Diddy repeated dully.

Mario blinked- Diddy was a half-blood smasher- smasher mother, muggle father, but to his knowledge, neither of them were Smiths. "Why would they say that?"

Diddy was trembling as he turned his back. "Well... kind of... because of... well, because of you."

Mario's stomach disappeared. No, no, Wave Existence, _no..._ "Me?"

"Well, not _just_ you," Diddy shook his head. "Kind of the Master Hand, too..."

"The Fourside Tribune?" Mario guessed, closing his eyes. "She thinks... she thinks I'm lying, and the Hand's going senile."

"That's... that's about it, yeah."

Mario felt a cold washing over him. Diddy was... not exactly a close friend, the way Link, Zelda and Lu were, but he was still someone he valued...

Finally, Diddy turned back to Mario. "So... want to tell us what really happened that night?"

Mario felt anger mounting within him. Before he knew it, he was bursting out, "Oh, what, the _Tribune_ didn't paint a good enough picture? It was good enough for your parents, wasn't it? The news said it, it must be true, huh?"

A shadow crossed Diddy's eyes. "Don't talk about my parents that way."

"I'll talk about anyone any way I want! Especially when they're calling me a liar!"

"Break it up, break it up, what's going on?" came a voice from the door- everyone turned to see Link entering, eyebrows raising.

"This... this crazy _killer_ is insulting my parents!" Diddy shouted, tears forming at the corner of his eyes.

"Killer?" Link asked, taken aback.

"The Tribune," Mario growled. "The only news source less reliable than Buzzfeed and the Huffington Post."

Link closed his eyes. "Ah. I... I see."

"What do you see?" Diddy asked, voice still through the roof. "That this... this _psycho_ killed my cousin, then put all the blame on the Great Darkness coming back?!"

Mario winced- he'd forgotten. Donkey Kong had been Diddy's favorite cousin. Hearing those words stung more than anything else so far. Link's eyebrows knitted, that ever-dangerous teapot whistle rising up. "You're crossing a line, Diddy- don't be making any accusations-"

"Accusations?!" Diddy cried, the tears starting to fall in earnest now. "After everything he's done, and you actually believe him about the Great Darkness?!"

"Through and through," Link nodded, eyes narrowing.

"Then it's time to pull your head out of your butt!" Diddy stomped a foot.

"Well, it doesn't really matter where my head is, because my chest has a prefect badge on it," Link spoke coldly. "And it's telling me you're _this_ close to a detention!"

Diddy opened and closed his mouth a couple times, then turned his back, hiding some furious tears. Link turned to Luigi and Ness. "Either of you two want to try your luck?"

"Both my parents are muggles- to my knowledge," Ness shrugged. "Dad's hardly ever home, and Mom doesn't really care about what goes on on our side, as long as she gets to load me up on steak whenever I'm home."

"And Grandma Katsuragi calls bull on the whole thing," Luigi threw his two cents into the ring. "She cancelled our subscription- and used our last issue for target practice." Luigi approached Mario nervously, giving him a tentative hug. As he leaned his head on his shoulder, he whispered, "We believe you. She says if the Master Hand says the Great Darkness is back... he's back."

Mario felt a rush of gratitude. Luigi slowly pulled away and returned to unpacking, placing his blue star chips on his bedside drawers. Mario glanced around as he followed suit.

He was glad to know that Luigi was on his side, and Ness was hardly the type to ever be vindictive towards anyone for anything- he was a polyana, through and through- but Diddy's words stung him more than anything that had happened so far. And if his example was anything to go by, this was just the beginning. He was certain- absolutely certain- that the truth would come out in the end, but he was wondering how many more friends would turn against him before that happened.

 _XXXX_

Solemn ending... Sorry to all of Diddy's fans out there. I don't hate the guy, just to clarify, but _somebody_ had to have their head on the chopping block for this chapter, and Diddy kind of drew the short straw... Well, that's all I have to say about that, so time for the Q&A! Alright, in addition to her earlier questions, FelineWithin also asked...

Q: Isn't Neville's best subject Herbology? A: Canonically, yes, but as far as this series goes, it's Phys Ed.

It's not a direct question, but SpiderShadow was curious about the shipping of Luigi with Melia, to which I want to clarify, real quick- it's not a pairing I see everywhere or anything like that, it's a personal ship of mine. Maybe I'm crazy for thinking it, I just wanted to point that out- it's not like you can click over to deviantart and see loads of pictures of it, it's just something that came out of my head.

And, finally, to the Master Core, who wants to know why he's not the Big Bad of this series! To which I have to say... sorry, sir, please don't kill me! I started this series before you were introduced, it's not my fault, forgive me! I... I don't know where you might fit in later down the line, but I promise I'll keep an eye out if you don't kill me!

Whew, and he's leaving me alone. Never thought writing fanfics could be this dangerous... alright, that's about all for now. See you all next time! Please R&R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	12. (Protection from) Protection from Evils

Gamer4 in. Heeeeeeyyyyyyy, guys, how's it going? I... something tells me I might be a _tad_ late with the chapter this time around... heh heh... heh heh... but that's what you guys like, right? The grand tradition of leaving these stories unupdated for months at a time?... Yeah, didn't think so. Sorry, but I've been busy- first, my television started prophesizing people's deaths at midnight on rainy days, then me and my favorite professor found this girl frozen in ice, then there was that incident with the night howlers, and don't even get me _started_ on those winnicott aliens that started invading- flipping combine, acting like they own the freaking place... Either way, though, I'm back now! Let's see if we can finish this chapter in an any way timely manner.

Disclaimer: But February made me shiver with every paper I delivered. Bad news on the doorstep... I couldn't take one more step... I can't remember if I cried when I read about that widowed bride... but something touched me deep inside the day the music died.

Chapter XII

(Protection from) Protection from the Evils

The next day, Mario awoke to find that the Nintendo hub's resident chimpanzee had already left the room. Looking over at Ness, said chimp's closest friend, who was currently rubbing sleep out of his eyes and beginning to adjust his usual bed-head, he wondered out loud, "Diddy isn't one of those people who thinks that insanity is somehow contagious, does he?"

"Don't worry about it, Mario," Ness spoke reassuringly. "He's upset, but he'll get over it eventually."

Only a very small amount of comfort, but Mario knew Ness meant well. A moment later, Ness's polo was on, along with his namesake jeans and baseball cap, and down the stairs he went, leaving Mario with Luigi and Link.

XXXX

Zelda, as ever, was quick to catch on when she met up with Mario and Link at the breakfast table. "What's wrong?" she asked. "You seem pretty down in the dumps."

Mario didn't care to repeat the experience, but Link spoke for him- "It's Diddy. He and Mario had a fight last night over- well, you can guess."

Zelda sighed, rubbing her eyes fiercely. "Yeah, something similar happened with Ilia. She's trying to get the gossip mill started talking about how Mario's a big fat liar- she's started photoshopping pictures of him with blue skin."

"What did you say?" Mario asked quickly.

"I burnt the pictures she had and said she'd better have some good evidence that you're lying before she goes around putting them up," Zelda recalled. "Don't worry, Mario- we're on your side." She shook her head. "Even so, though..."

"Even so?" Link prompted from where he was drowning his pancakes with syrup.

"It kind of upsets me. Remember what the Hand said at the end of last year?"

"I remember the gist of it, if not the exact wording," Mario agreed. "Something about how we need to stick together?"

"'Considering Tabuu once more walks among us,'" Zelda recited, "'these bonds will be more important in the coming months than ever before. Difficult and dangerous times are ahead, make no mistake. We must remember now that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts- never has it been more apparent to me. True, we all come from different places, in many different forms, speaking different tongues, but in the end, our hearts beat as one.'"

"Did you record that speech and recite it to yourself every day this summer?" Link asked incredulously.

"No, I couldn't have," Zelda shook her head. "Technology doesn't work here, remember?"

"Unless Gamer4 can get a joke out of it, of course," Mario shook his head. "Even so, I doubt there's anyone else in the mansion who could remember the Hand's speech down to the word."

"That's not the point!" Zelda shook her head. "The point is, this is what he was talking about! The Great Darkness's greatest boon in this war will be the good guys being too busy squabbling amongst themselves to even _consider_ fighting him! If just the guy's _presence_ is causing this rift between us, we're _screwed._ The FLUDD said the same thing last night- we need to stand together, unite against the _real_ enemy here-"

"A good sentiment," Link acknowledged, "with one flaw- that kind of means we'd have to stand with Sierra."

"You get along well enough with Lucina!" Zelda pointed out in agitation.

"Yeah, well, Lucina's different," Link shrugged, reaching behind him to fist-bump said blue-haired swordswoman as she passed. "I guess you could say she's an honorary Nintendo."

"I don't believe this," Zelda muttered, rubbing her eyes again.

"Okay, if you want me to put it a different way, it's not _all_ Sierrans I'm against- just the born-and-bred winnicotts like Bowser," Link amended his statement.

"Thanks, Link," Zelda smiled at him. "Maybe I had you-"

"Which just happens to constitute a majority of their population."

Zelda sighed. "Forget what I was just about to say."

Mario, meanwhile, frowned as he gazed up at Kjelle at the staff table. "And still no word on when Crazy will be back..."

"I'm guessing the Master Hand didn't want to draw attention to Crazy not being here," Zelda guessed.

"The same way one draws attention to an elephant not being in a room?" Link commented skeptically.

Any ensuing argument was interrupted as a tall girl with short, messy pink hair, dressed in a blue jacket appeared directly in front of Mario. "Morning, Mario."

"Kumatora," Mario greeted the girl with a nod. "What's going on?"

"Ah, nothing special," Kumatora shrugged. "Spent summer bouncing around the countryside, saw some people, did some things, got promoted to Nintendo's Smash-Up captain."

Mario blinked. "Oh, really? Answering to you, now, am I?" He smiled. "Should have seen that coming- I mean, you were basically Captain Falcon's first mate to begin with."

"Yeah, sad to see him go- him and Ana," Kumatora nodded. "But with two members missing, I'm thinking it's time to overhaul this team- full new try-outs for every position. Which, of course, means that you're gonna have to _earn_ that seat of yours this year!"

"Huh," Mario blinked again. "Not too worried about saying goodbye to everyone?"

"I can't let my friendship with all of you get in the way of what's best for the team," Kumatora shrugged. "But don't worry- I'm certain you've got it in the bag. Either way, be at the stadium this Friday- seventeen hundred hours."

"You mean five o'clock?"

"I know what I said," Kumatora knitted her brow. "I'm pretty sure we'll get you, the puffballs, and Paula back, but we'll see how our new offensive and defensive members go, huh? Be there or be square."

"I definitely don't want to be square," Mario mused. Kumatora gave a satisfied nod, and was off.

One loud whooshing sound later, and the albatrosses had arrived, bombarding the students of the Smash Mansion with their daily mail. Mario was unsurprised that there was nothing for him- what news could Roy have for him after the short time they'd been apart? He was, however, surprised to see one of the great birds soaring over Zelda and dropping that morning's issue of the _Fourside Tribune_ on her. Still slightly sore about Diddy, he couldn't help but call her out on it. "What's with the paper? It's a load of bull."

"Sure is, it's dripping out the sides," Zelda agreed, crinkling her nose as she unrolled it. "But it's bull with some important information buried in it- information about what the government is doing. Know thy enemy as you know thyself." She rapidly Sherlock-Scanned the paper, before crumpling it up and tossing it into the garbage behind her. "Nothing important about anything. Why am I not surprised?"

"Because it's been a good twenty or thirty years since the _Tribune_ reported on anything worthwhile?" came the voice of Samus Aran, carrying a stack of papers in her hand. "Just a guess. Anyways, here's your schedules for the year- learn them well." She presented all three of them with said schedules, then, not one to waste time, continued off down the line.

Immediately upon examining his schedule, Link groaned. "Well, this schedule is just fan-tegging-smastic. History of Smashing, _double_ Power-Ups, Psychic Powers, _and_ double Protection from the Evils! Andonuts, Wolf, Lucario, and that Fassad winnicott- oh, my!"

"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear," came a pair of mischievous voices from behind them. "Doth our ears deceive us? Doth our ears hear the esteemed prefects dissing the staff of the Smash Mansion?"

"If you count them as staff," Link grumbled, turning to face his puffball brothers. "Ease off me, guys, I'm in a bad mood right now. This has to be the worst schedule in the history of the Smash Mansion."

"It's certainly not what I'd have chosen," Kirby nodded, taking the paper and looking it over. "But, as a prefect, you _are_ supposed to lead by example. I suppose you'll just have to buck up and deal."

"On the subject of deals," Zelda spoke up, "what's with you advertising for testers for your products on the notice boards?"

"When did this happen?" Mario asked, eyebrows rising.

"A few pages earlier, Gamer4 glossed over it."

Mario rubbed his eyes. "You know, I'm getting tired of this. For crying out loud, wouldn't it be easier for that idiot to just go back and add the scene instead of doing this fourth-wall breaking crap?"

"Doesn't matter," Zelda rerouted the conversation. "You. Marshmallows. Explain. Now."

"It's called capitalism, sweetheart," Meta smirked. "Surely you wouldn't impede the natural flow of commerce."

"I'm not talking about your products," Zelda pointed out. "That's a can of worms for a whole other day. No, I'm talking about telling impressionable first years that the easiest way to make a quick rupee around here is to be the fall people for whatever stupid stunts you have in mind."

"Did we ever specify first years?" Kirby pointed out, bringing out the twins' patented 'innocence halos' from his duffel bag. "As I recall, the posters said anybody was eligible."

"Besides, it's all for a good cause," Meta put in. "Trust us, you'll be all over this brand of power-ups we've got cooking. Those sick ones?"

"Very sick," Kirby agreed.

"'Sick' as in 'cool,' or 'sick' as in actually sick?" Mario queried, hand rising to his chin.

"Yes," the twins answered as one. "Remember? We told you- you get sick, walk out of class, and enjoy the rest of the day!"

"Something tells me even Zelda will be begging us for one of those babies, come test time," Kirby smirked.

Zelda was about to give an indignant response, but Link interrupted, looking reflective. "I doubt it, guys. Remember three years ago? The Hand cancelled the exams, and Zelda was freaking out about it?"

"True," Meta acknowledged, "but this year's a whole different ball game."

"What makes this year different from then?" Zelda asked.

"You're taking your A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests at the end of it," Kirby smirked. "And that means the teachers won't allow for _any_ breather room- it'll be studying all day, studying all night, falling over yourselves to get all the freaking out right."

"You guys stayed pretty lucid during your tests," Zelda pointed out.

"Yeah, but look who you're talking to," Link pointed out. "As I recall, they only passed three tests each- and even then, just barely."

"We were caught up in independent study," the puffballs shrugged. "Some of the most innovative people in the world had _terrible_ educations- haven't you ever heard of Albert Einstein?"

"I'm pretty sure that's just an urban legend," Zelda noted skeptically.

"Even so, the point is, we're already all set to go with our jokeshop idea," Kirby spoke up. "The only reason we even bothered coming this year is because we didn't think a dropout would go over well with Mom- especially with what that prick of a robot did over the summer."

"But even so, it's a nice chance to do some last-minute field research," Meta added. "One of those classes we passed was economics- can't run a joke shop without understanding basic supply and demand, after all. See a need, fill a need!"

A bell rang overhead. "Ah, crud," Kirby muttered. "We were gonna get to Nature Study early and see if we could snatch a boku baba or two..."

As the puffballs ran off, Mario turned to see Link biting his lip nervously. "I'm guessing they're right, you know," the swordsman fretted. "The A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests are supposed to be super brutal- the months leading up to them, even more so. We're talking exams that can affect jobs that will even look at our resumes. According to Midna, later on this year, we're going to have to meet up with the head of our groups to get some advice on that..."

"Well, no point worrying about it now," Zelda shrugged, standing up. "Come on- we don't want to be late for History of Smashing."

"Says you," Link muttered under his breath as he and Mario rose and followed her out of the Dining Hall.

XXXX

So, what was so bad about History of Smashing? I mean, we've been playing it up for... almost three sentences, now. Well, it could be an interesting class, in theory, except for... the teacher. The teacher had all the makings of a good history professor- he was a ghost that had actually experienced a great deal of it, and was rumored to have led the most exciting life outside of a major Hollywood blockbuster... but no. His potential went entirely to waste- all he ever did was read dully out of the textbook while somehow expecting his students to follow along. Mario was legitimately certain that he'd learned more about the inner workings of balsa wood than he had about actual smashing history from this class.

It was a great relief to finally turn their backs on that classroom and head out onto the lawn for the morning break. Mario took out his 3DS, recovered from Rusl's office by the man himself, and was on the verge of getting back to a particularly difficult puzzle- it had already cost him several picarats- when a shadow passed over the trio. He looked up to see Pauline Dama lurking over them. "Hey, Mario," she smiled gently.

Mario leapt to his feet with undue speed. "Oh, hey, Pauline! How's it going?"

Immediately, he began mentally berating himself- where was his straight-man pride? Pauline, however, gave a light laugh. "Pretty well," she shrugged. "Luigi and the Cuckoo not around, then?"

"The Cuckoo?" Mario raised a single eyebrow.

"You know, the Birdgirl?"

"Oh, Melia?" Mario realized. "Nah, I don't usually hang around her. So... how was your summer?"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than he was mentally raising his hands in an effort to snatch them out of the air and bring them back in- while he was almost certain he'd had the worse summer of the two, hers couldn't have been much better- she had, after all, been in a relationship with Donkey Kong prior to the ape's death. Indeed, Pauline faltered for a moment, but quickly put on a veneer of serenity.* "Well, as well as it could have been... you know..."

"What... the flipping... smeg," came another voice, causing Mario to turn and wonder who that weird guy in a green tunic was. "Tell me my eyes are lying- you are _not_ wearing a Xenos badge!"

Mario blinked, then locked his eyes onto a spot just over Pauline's chest, where, sure enough, was a button marked with the symbol of the Xenos- the Smash-Up team from the planet Mira.

"Well, yeah, they _are_ my Smash-Up team," Pauline nodded, a note of frost entering her voice.

"And have you followed them all along, or just since _Xenoblade X_ made their series mainstream?" Link asked much more coldly, donning his hipster glasses as he spoke.

"Actually, I've supported the Xeno series starting with _Xenosaga Episode I,"_ Pauline retorted, continuing the arms race for the coldest voice.

"Oh, so you couldn't make your way through the graphics of _Gears,_ huh?" Link asked, turning it down to absolute zero.

Pauline shook her head. "I don't have to take this from you." She turned and left.

Zelda opened her mouth to reprimand Link, only to be interrupted as Link leapt in the air- probably something to do with the fireball just applied to his rear end. "What the smeg, man, what the smeg?!" Mario glared at him.

"What'd I do?" Link asked, rubbing his 'down under' reproachfully.

"I don't care when she started following the Xeno series!"

"But you know that most people just jumped on the bandwagon when Xenoblade got popular!"

"So freaking what? It's a good gateway game! Even Gamer4 was introduced to the series through 'Blade, and it's replaced his flipping Bible!"

"And that guy's _not_ a winnicott?" Link objected.

"And what was _your_ first Xeno game?"

Link froze. "Well... Xenosaga Episode III..."

"The prosecution rests, your honor!" Mario heaved.

"We find the defendant, Link T. Faron... Guilty," Zelda nodded.

Still breathing somewhat heavily, Mario sighed. "Still, no time to be getting worked up now... I mean, we're just about to head off to Power-Ups. I'm sure Wolf will do enough working up for the rest of the school year..."

XXXX

"Silence..." whispered Wolf O'Donnell into the already-dead-silent classroom. Mario sighed- inwardly. Wolf acted like anyone had any designs on disrupting his class to begin with. Like none of them remembered the _last_ time that had happened...

"Now..." Wolf continued in a whisper. "Before we begin, the Master Hand has instructed me to remind you all that this _is_ your fifth year, and as such, at the end of it, you will all be sitting through the A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S.S exams- the _A_ ssessment for the-"

Before he'd concluded, he spun around and fired his blaster, missing Saria Kokiri by an inch. "So sorry," he growled. "I was aiming for that phone you were texting with. Best put it away before my aim improves."

Saria turned violently red as she stowed her cellular device away. Wolf cleared his throat. "Now, as I was saying, these tests are crucial to your future- and the way you score will reflect on me as a teacher. That said, while I lose more and more hope for this particular class each year, I still expect you to get, at the very least, a silver mark on your tests- any less, and there will... be... _consequences..._ "

A chill ran over the class. It was a wonder how Wolf could make something sound like a threat without actually utilizing a threatening tone.

"But even a silver rank will not be sufficient if you wish to continue your study of Power-Ups," Wolf continued. "I only accept the best of the best into my sixth year classes- nothing less than a Pure Platinum rank will do.

"So, today, we will be practicing with one of the most basic power-ups that generally appears on the A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. curriculum- the Night Howler. Prepared properly, it is a power-up on the level of the berserkers of old, granting great strength, agility, and speed- at the cost of sending the user into a great rage. Applying it too generously, however, may lead to the victim being plunged into a state of fury and delirium such that they destroy everything in their path without question until sedated and given proper medical treatment."

"But sir," Ness raised his hand. "Isn't that from a movie, not a video-"

Another beam from Wolf's blaster- narrowly missing Ness's hand. "I must be hearing things," Wolf mused. "For a moment, it sounded as though one of my students was questioning what I choose to teach in my own class. I must be going insane, _right,_ Mr. Levi?"

"Yes, sir, completely bonkers, sir," Ness quailed.

"Perhaps I should stop by Nurse Tessie's after class today," Wolf mused. "Either way, the instructions are already on the whiteboard- follow closely, and you have no excuse for failure. For this one year, I grant you free access to my ingredient stores- some of these power-ups require odds and ends not readily available at your average supermarket. You have the remainder of the class to prepare the best Night Howler you can. Begin."

Now, we know all you readers love hearing the meticulous details of how, exactly, to prepare Night Howler power-ups, but we're just gonna skip ahead an hour and a half to the end of that class when...

XXXX

"Mario."

"Yes, sir?"

"Mario M. Mario."

"Yes... sir?"

"What... is this?"

"This... is a Night Howler, sir."

The edges of Wolf's lips curled downwards. "Mario... you _did_ pass Kindergarten, did you not? You are capable of reading, at the very least, the average Dr. Seuss book, yes?"

"Fox in Socks is my favorite."

"Then why, Mario, did you fail to read the sixth line of the instructions?"

Mario glanced at the board, squinting as hard as he could. "You mean where it says to add a trace of red essence?"

"Exactly."

"Honestly, that part seemed a little smudgy earlier."

Wolf sighed. "You are here to learn the art of creating power-ups, correct?"

"Yes, sir."

"You are aware that the slightest miscalculation when handling other ingredients could lead to much, _much_ worse consequences than an uncontrollable rage, are you not?"

"I have an inkling..."

"Mario, if you wish to survive this year, an inkling will not do," Wolf snarled. "There is no middle ground here- either you get everything perfect, or you produce a jar of, in essence, vortigaunt feces. Now, would you kindly relocate this miserable experiment to the trash bin, where it belongs?"

Mario was silently fuming, doing his best to avoid looking at Bowser's chuckles as he did as he was told. Wolf turned to the rest of the class. "As for the rest of you, place a portion of your power-up in a bottle, label it with your name, and leave it at my desk. Next week, we will determine just how much hope may be held that this class ever excels past the fifth year."

XXXX

"That smegging winnicott," Link muttered consolingly as the trio made their way to lunch. "I saw Wario just over the way- that tub of lard had to gouge his power-up out of his beaker. At least yours was the right state of matter."

"I was honestly hoping he'd be a bit better this year," Zelda noted mournfully.

"And what in Paradiso, Inferno, or anything in between put you under that delusion?" Link stared at her.

"Well, he _is_ in Philanthropy now..."

"Yeah, well, classifying a redead as 'properly alive' doesn't change that it's a flipping zombie," Link countered. "Besides, I'm still not entirely on board with the idea that Wolf just reformed like that."

"Not this again," Zelda sighed. "The Master Hand trusts him- that should be good enough for the rest of us."

"And where's this evidence that shows how saintlike Wolf's become since he left the Great Darkness?" Link retorted.

"Just because the Master Hand hasn't shown it to you personally, Link, doesn't mean-" Zelda began, only to be cut off by Mario.

"Stop... stop... stop," he grumbled. "If you two have another one of your feuds this year, I really don't know if I can take it."

Sighing at Link and Zelda's looks of surprise, he stood. "You know, I'm not really hungry right now- meet you at Lucario's, Link."

And so it came to be that he took the first long march up the halls of the Smash Mansion to the attic by himself. To an extent, he felt a little guilty for that one- but come on! It was a bad school day to begin with, on top of everything that was happening as a result of Tabuu's return, from his PTSD to being shunned by a not-too-insignificant portion of the student body, the _last_ thing he needed was for Link and Zelda to go at each other's throats again. Recalling the ordeal of two years prior, he sincerely felt that if a similar feud were to occur now, it may just finish him off.

"Come and get me, bro! Whatsamatta?! Chicken? Come on, I'll fight you with one hand behind my back! I'll fight you standing on one foot! I'll fight you with my eyes closed! AAAAHHHHH! DARKNESS! YOU FIEND, TRYING TO TRICK-"

Mario closed his eyes, and turned to see Toon Link, Link's smaller, animated, much more agitating counterpart that lurked within the school's paintings, brandishing his sword like a maniac.

"Not in the mood, Toon," he muttered, turning and continuing on.

"Ah, yeah, sure, never ready for a fight you know you're gonna lose, huh?!" the cartoon continued to rave as Mario left him behind.

Half an hour later, the rest of the class had congregated and climbed up into the mansion's attic for the first Psychic Powers class of the year.

Mario had just taken his seat when a bump sounded next to him, signaling Link's arrival as well. "Well... Zelda and I called the argument off."

"Glad to hear it," Mario mumbled.

"Zelda, however, told me to tell you that she wants you to stop taking everything out on us."

"Link," Mario sighed, rubbing his eyes vigorously, "don't even start- I can't handle a repeat of the Oreo incident."

"I see where you're coming from," Link shrugged. "But still- it's not our fault Diddy was taking assbutt pills, while Wolf was born and raised on the things."

Mario couldn't help but give a slight smile at that last- a smile that promptly vanished as Lucario entered the room. _Good afternoon, my fine prodigies,_ the aura pokemon thought out loud- literally. _I had a strong hunch that you would all return here safely- I am glad to see that the outer powers have yet to betray me. Excellent... excellent._

 _I have taken the liberty of procuring your required reading for you this year- 'What Dreams May Come,' by Igor Samten. It is well known to many, even outside the realms of psychic powers, that dreams play a large part in the access of the innermost mind... The popularity of such thoughts has led to it being a large portion of the upcoming A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests. In all honesty, I find this all very foolish- in psychic powers, one either has the gift, or does not. If one does not have the gift, all the certificates and awards in the world will do nothing to change it. Nevertheless, the tests are something you must take..._

 _We'll start off this year with an easy task- read the fourth chapter, in which Mr. Samten discusses the basics of interpreting one's dreams, and apply the information therein to your partner's most recent dreams. You may begin..._

What, exactly, Lucario expected of them was a mystery- as it turned out, chapter four was a whopper, spanning almost enough pages for a small novella in and of itself. Even speed-reading to his maximum ability, losing entire paragraphs at a time in the process, Mario was still unable to finish until only a few minutes before the bell- by which time Ness and Luigi, having ignored the book altogether, were debating about a recent dream of Luigi's in which a lightning bolt had nestled comfortingly around a large bird.

Link sighed. "All my dreams are the obvious ones- teeth falling out, coming to school naked, wrestling you naked in a giant jar of whipped cream... all the normal stuff, you know? Joking about that last one," he added in response to Mario's raised eyebrows. Smirking, he added, "Or am I?"

"Whatever," Mario muttered. "Well, all my dreams are pretty average, too..." A bullcrud lie, but he hardly needed any textbook to tell him what his nightly visions of apes being slaughtered in graveyards meant. "Time to BS it?"

"Time to BS it," Link nodded. "Something average, try to keep that psycho from reading something terrible into it... hmm... okay, I was playing the defense on the Smash-Up team the other night."

"Probably means you're going to get hit by a car," Mario muttered. "Not on the road or anything, either, it'll be while you're all the way up here- it'll be some serious Final Destination crud."

"Well, at least I won't be missing anything major," Link shrugged.

Experts though they were at BS-ing things for Lucario's class, it wasn't very exciting, particularly with the prospect of a particularly poor Protection from the Evils class later on.

Speaking of, by the time they arrived in said classroom, Zelda was already there, leaving Mario and Link to take their seats next to her. Up at the front was Fassad, giving that strange, nasally laugh of his as he munched on yet another banana, watching as the class filtered in. No one was making much noise- they were too busy trying to get the measure of this new teacher- what would he be like? Strict? Loose? Hands-on? Hands-off?

When the bell rang, Fassad stood- hardly making a difference, his legs were so stubby. First, he coughed, then performed an eight-note scale. "Nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe!" Then back down. "Nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe, nwe..."

A cough, a clearing of the throat, and he spoke. "Greetings to you all, my fine students! It makes me so happy to see the future of the smashing world before me! However, you may put your power controllers away at this time- you won't be needing them. All you need for today is your notebooks and a pen."

A groan went over the class- this guy was already ranking lower than their previous teachers, Simon and Fox. About the same as Dedede, and _no one_ could be as bad as Tingle. While they were doing as they were bid, Fassad turned to the board and began to write on it with a banana-yellow marker.

 _Protection from the Evils_

 _A Non-Problematic Approach_

"Now," he spoke as he turned to see them finally ready. "Looking at my notes from Matthew, I can see that your education upon this topic has been somewhat... sporadic shall we say."

A rustle went through the classroom- it was the _Master_ Hand, dangit, he'd _earned_ that title!

"A different teacher every year, darting back and forth on what, exactly, they should be teaching, paying no heed to government advice or curricula... you may be thinking, should we not be receiving a better education than this? As students at the revered Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing, are we not entitled to something better? Something higher? Why, yes, children, yes you are! That's why the government, this year, has chosen something different- we have chosen to solve the problems plaguing this school!

"Beginning this year, and continuing into the foreseeable future, the Protection of the Evils class will be taught following a well-planned out, secure, non-problematic method. This in mind, I will ask you to write down the following, and remember it well!"

He waved his hand, and the ink left on the board expanded, contracted, moved, and morphed into a new list-

 _Goals:_

 _1\. Understanding the fundamental morality of using powers defensively vs. offensively._

 _2\. Understanding when defending oneself is truly defending oneself, and when it is homophobic, misogynistic, transphobic, racist, etc._

 _3\. Understanding the dangers of manspreading, micro-aggressions, mansplaining, etc..._

There were more, but Mario barely processed even that far. Seriously, there were like, twenty goals written out up there, but as he jotted them down, it just kind of became a blur. Eventually, the sound of scratching pens came to a halt, and Fassad smiled. "Hmm... am I to take it that you have all completed our very first assignment?"

A sigh went around the room- he may as well start handing out little blue ribbons inscribed with the words, _You Tried._

"Nwe... nwehehehehe..."

Mario blinked- what about this situation called for a 'nwehehe?'

Nevertheless, Fassad's crooked grin grew as he spoke. "Once more with feeling, class- when I ask a question, I expect a response along the lines of- 'Yes, Mr. Yokuba!' or 'No, Mr. Yokuba!' Understand? Good! Now, once more- have we all completed our very first assingment?"

"Yes, sir," the class spoke.

"Good enough... for now." And the crookedness just kept crookeding. That's a word now.

"In any case- I suppose you have all done as was requested and procured a copy of the wonderful _Protection from the Evils, A Non-Problematic Approach_ by Ms. Anita Sarkeesian?"

"Yuppers, sir."

"Nwehehehehe! We must maintain a model of professionality at all times, class! Once more!"

"Ugh, fine... Yes, Mr. Yokuba."

"Again, good... for now. Nwehehehe. In that case, would you kindly begin your reading? Begin at the prologue and continue to the conclusion of the first chapter. Nwehehe...nwehehe...nwehehehehehehe!"

"That guy sure likes the sound of his own 'nwehes,' doesn't he?" Link smirked.

"Seems like it," Mario nodded. "Well, to get my attention, this 'Sarkeesian' woman better be the next J. K. Rowling."

She wasn't. Not Rowling, not Susan Collins, not Christopher Paolini, not even R. L. Stine. Mario legitimately hadn't read a more boring, monotonous tome since _I Heard the Owl Call My Name_ \- and it gave even that a run for its money. He would have critiqued the text itself, but honestly, it was dull to the point even Professor Andonuts would probably fall asleep trying to get through it- he spent ten minutes on one sentence before realizing he was just going in circles.

Desperate for something to take his mind off the sensory deprivation, Mario glanced to his side- and moved quickly to catch his jaw before it crashed into his desktop. Right next to him, Zelda Hyrule... wasn't reading. The book lay in front of her, not even opened. When? Seriously, when did Zelda motherflipping Hyrule refuse to read a book offered her? It didn't matter if she didn't like the contents, she'd force herself to the end anyways for one reason or another- and yet this book had yet to be touched! Was it just _that bad?_ Unlikely- Mario suspected a deeper meaning behind it.

He wasn't the only surprised one, either- as time passed, more and more students were choosing to ignore the book to focus on the much more interesting sight of one of their fellow students raising their hand. Fassad had initially attempted to ignore her, but as time wore on, things just got so stupid that Fassad really didn't have any other choice. "Very well, you have earned my curiosity, Ms...Hilda, was it?"

"Hyrule, actually," Zelda corrected him.

"Ms. Hyrule, yes," Fassad spoke in a voice like silk- coated with rubber cement at the consistency of dried mucus. "I suppose you have a question about the text?"

"Not Ms. Sarkeesian's text, no," Zelda shook her head.

"In that case, may I ask that you hold any other questions until after the class?"

"It's not about Ms. Sarkeesian's text," Zelda elaborated. "It's about yours."

"Mine?" Fassad blinked. Mario gathered this was the first time today somebody had questioned him in this manner.

"Your goals," Zelda explained. "I was going through them, and I couldn't help but notice a discrepancy."

"And what might that be... my dear?" Fassad spoke, his voice achieving the tone of poisoned honey.

"Well, it just seems to me that they have very little to do with actually protecting us from the Evils." Zelda raised a hand to her chin as she continued to speak. "I mean, understanding the dangers of manspreading? Identifying signs of the patriarchy and how they negatively effect yada yada yada... honestly, this sounds more like a gender studies class. A _bad_ gender studies class, no less."

"That is the curriculum the government has decided to utilize," Fassad smiled and gave a condescending nod. "If you have a problem with it..."

"Well, that's not it," Zelda shook her head. "There isn't anything up there about actually teaching us how to protect ourselves."

The rest of the students were already enthralled by the gender studies comment, but were even more stunned when they realized that Zelda was 100% on the money- of all the twenty-something goals Fassad had put up there, not one of them was about actual protection.

"And why, may I ask, would you ever need to protect yourself from the evils within the bounds of this classroom?" Fassad asked.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Link interrupted, rubbing his eyes. "Let me get this straight- this is a Protection from the Evils class... where we won't be learning to protect ourselves from the evils?"

Fassad turned to Link. "I don't believe you followed the proper etiquette, Mr. Faron- you see, it is generally accepted that students wishing to speak in class raise their hands."

Link immediately did so, snapping rapidly, a look of agitation on his face. Fassad turned his back again.

Zelda kept her hand in the air. "But sir, wouldn't all that knowledge about identification and politics and theory about when we can protect ourselves be kind of moot if we don't actually know how to-"

"Ah, I didn't realize you were a government-trained official, Ms. Hyrule."

"I- I'm not..."

"Oh, pardon me. For a moment, I thought you knew what you were talking about," Fassad smirked. "Nwe. Nwehehehe. This curriculum has been devised by well-trained professionals- you will learn the ins and outs of when it is proper to protect yourself, all in a secure, risk-free environment-"

Mario snapped- his straight-man side had been revving up this whole time, and now it burst. "Oh, and knowing that I'm morally in the right is going to be a whole lot of good when I'm cornered down some dark alley- yeah, they can do whatever they want to me, but the moral high ground will be mine!"

"What did I just tell Mr. Faron, Mr. Mario?" Fassad asked, still smiling, but with a sudden spark of fire in his eyes. Turning, Fassad spotted another student. "And you are?"

"Ness Levi, for all your Levi needs!" Ness grinned brightly, before adopting a more serious manner. "But Mario's right, innit he? I mean, say this crazy chick is coming at me down an alley, she wants something I'm not prepared to give, and I have no idea how to hold her off-"

"If you are implying what I think you are implying, Mr. Levi, you should know very well that men such as you and me cannot be raped," Fassad smirked. "It is a simple fact of biology. I don't pretend to know what this school has been teaching you, but I have noticed a trend of dangerous smashers taking the helm of this class- and that's without addressing that wretched creature of two years ago-"

"Paws off the Fox!" Diddy Kong spoke up with a screech, looking even angrier than the previous night. "He was the best teacher we've ever-"

"Paw, Mr. Kong!" Fassad raised his voice. "As I was saying, you seem to be misinformed that danger lurks in every shadow-"

"Mostly by the people who devised this course," Zelda muttered.

"Allow me to finish, Ms. Hyrule!" Fassad raised his voice again. "If my information is correct, my predecessor, a paragon of toxic masculinity, sought to prove his dominance over you through use of the most wicked acts of all-"

"You do know that was actually a woman, right?" Ness piped up. "Just throwing that out there- and besides, she was a grade-A lunatic- even the government acknowledged that one. Then again, she still got plenty of info across to us-"

"Levi!" Fassad was up to a height of voice that bats were falling out of nearby trees. "Now... the government has decided that the knowledge discussed on the board would be more than sufficient to get you through your tests. That is what school is about, is it not?" Ignoring Mario and Zelda holding each other as they both frothed at the mouth, Fassad turned to Saria Kokiri, raising her own hand. "And you are?"

"Kokiri," Saria smiled, putting on a pair of sunglasses. "Saria Kokiri. That said... isn't there a part in the A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests where we're required to show that we can actually protect ourselves?"

"The theory will be more than sufficient to-" Fassad began.

Mario broke again. "And theory will be a fat lot of good in the real world, right?!"

Fassad looked stunned- then broke out laughing. "Nwehehe- nwehehe- _nwehehehehehehehe!_ You are highly amusing, Mr. Mario- I see why you landed the protagonist's spot! As I said, this is school, not the real world."

"But we're not going to be in this mansion forever," Mario countered. "Eventually, this house is gonna spit us all back out into the real world, where the danger is _equally_ real."

"You seem so afraid, Mr. Mario," Fassad smirked. "For your sake, I hope it has a cause more tangible than you- a man- being raped?"

"Much more tangible," Mario growled. "How about the Great flipping Darkness, huh? How about Lord motherflipping Tabuu?!"

One could almost hear the mic being dropped- Link faceplanted, Ilia and Saria grabbed onto each other, Luigi fell backwards out of his chair, and even Zelda's jaw dropped. Fassad, however, closed his eyes. "Nwe...nwehehe... I hereby relieve Nintendo of ten points."

The silence that followed was absolutely bonechilling. Fassad cleared his voice again. "Nwe-hem. Nwehehehem. I knew I would have to deal with this sooner or later- I suppose it's just as well that it's sooner. It is time to discuss... this... rumor.

"I am very aware of this myth circulating around the smashing countryside- the myth that a certain dangerous smasher is at large once more. A smasher that has, in point of fact, been dead for fifteen years."

"Not quite," Mario snarled, rising to his feet. "Only mostly dead, as it happens- and as it also happens, he wasn't content to stay that way. Take it from me- I fought the winnicott, mano a mano, only a few months ago."

Fassad turned to stare him in the eye. "Detention, Mr. Mario. Tomorrow. Seventeen hundred hours. My office- my treat. You are all safe from this alleged 'Great Darkness.' If anyone attempts to tell you otherwise, please, come to me about it- you need not deal with this triggering foolishness. This mansion is a safe space for all. Now, please, return to Ms. Sarkeesian."

Mario knew he shouldn't, but he was past the mental point of no return. "So, what's your story, then, hm? Tell us the truth of how Donkey Kong _really_ died."

A gasp rose up from the class- out of the corner of his eye, Mario saw Diddy's jaw on the ground, his eyes wide.

"Donkey Kong's death was a tragic accident, orchestrated by the lunatic, Franziska von Karma," Fassad spoke quasi-calmly.

"Because a whip makes such deep gashes in the chest, right?" Mario growled, angrier than he'd been in a long time. "Maybe you don't believe that Tabuu killed him, but you sure as _smeg_ know it wasn't von Karma. If that's the delusion you have to embrace to convince yourself that you're secure in your little safe space... then Wave Existence help you once the killing starts."

An ice-cold silence fell over the room. Plenty of students had their hands to their mouths- never had such an ominous pronouncement been uttered in the confines of this room, by student or teacher. Finally, Fassad reached into his vest and produced a small, folded envelope. "Mr. Mario... I have an errand for you. This is a vital message for one Ms. Samus Aran- see that it gets to her, understand?"

Mario reached out, refusing to meet his friend's eyes in case there were traces of disapproval there. He accepted the envelope, turned, and left.

He knew he'd crossed a line- any idiot could have told him that. But if there was one thing he wouldn't tolerate, it was lies being told about Donkey Kong's death- the ape had died to save him from Tabuu and his crud-eating henchman, anyone saying otherwise was showing too much disrespect for him to handle.

He was so distracted that he didn't notice Samus crossing into his hallway until he'd already walked headlong into her. "Wha- oh, sorry, Ms. Aran."

"Sorry, nothing," Samus shook her head, looking severe. "Mario- what are you doing out of class?"

"Well, it's actually decent timing- I have a letter for you."

"A letter?" Samus tilted her head, keeping her eyebrows knitted.

"From Fas-er, Mr. Yokuba."

Samus's eyebrows were really overlapping as she turned this over in her head. "Alright, follow me."

A few minutes later, they'd arrived in Samus's office, where they took seats on opposite sides of the desk. Samus took the letter, ran it through a letter opener being held by a chozo statuette, and read through it. With each passing second, her eyebrows grew closer and closer together, until they had replaced each other, taking up residence over the opposite eye. She tossed the letter to the side. "Alright, Mario... is it true?"

Mario looked from side to side, and shrugged. "Is... is what true?"

"Fassad seems to be under the impression that you shouted at her. Then called him delusional. And implied that he would be on the Great Darkness's 'to-kill' list- after a rant about how he has returned. To your knowledge, this information is all correct?"

Mario locked up for a second before deciding that lying wouldn't really get him anywhere anyways. "Yeah, that about sums it up."

Samus's eyes narrowed, scrutinizing him closely. He tried to guess what she was thinking, but it proved impossible. Finally, she spoke. "Pitch Black or Baja Blast?"

Mario blinked. "Huh?"

"Which do you like better? Pitch Black or Baja Blast?"

Mario was taken aback. "Um... Baja Blast, I guess."

Samus reached under her desk, and came back up with a chilled can of Mountain Dew, Baja Blast, which she slid across the table to him. "Consider it a welcome-back present."

Mario was bewildered- Samus was a particularly difficult read. One moment, he thought she was going to shout him down, the next, she was giving him one of his favorite flavors of soda. "Cheers," he shrugged awkwardly as he popped the tab open and took a sip.

Samus grunted. "Mario... you need to be careful."

Mario blinked- Samus seemed somehow different from usual. Almost... afraid. "I understand your eagerness to get the truth out," she continued, "but pushing that agenda in Fassad's class could have much more serious consequences than the usual schooltime fare."

Mario stared. "What- huh?"

Samus drummed her fingers. "You know who Fassad is. You know who he reports back to. You may not know exactly, but you should have a decent idea of just how dangerous this game is."

A shadow seemed to cross over the room. Just what was she implying?

Samus cleared her throat. "Right here, it says that you have been given detention every evening this week."

"Every- Ms. Aran!" Mario gasped.

"I can't help you out of this one, Mario," Samus shook her head. "He is within the rules to offer detention, and I have no authority to overturn it. For now, we need to walk the line- no matter how much we may wish otherwise."

"But- I was telling the truth!"

"Mario, I need you to listen to me very carefully," Samus dipped her head into a Kubrick stare. "There are things happening this year that stretch beyond truth and lies. Take the detentions, and remember that, should we stray too far from Fassad's path, much worse things lie in wait." She reached beneath her desk again. "Here- have a Livewire. See if it helps you through."

Mario accepted the orange bottle. "Thanks... I think."

Samus sighed. "Mario- you heard what Fassad said last chapter, correct?"

"Well, I read _Order of the Phoenix,_ which has the exact same speech," Mario shrugged.

"In which case, what did it mean?"

"Fassad- he's a plant for the government."

Samus allowed herself the faintest of smiles. "Well, at least one of the Golden Trio has a good head on their shoulders."

 _XXXX_

 _*_ We at Project Solaris like using big words- it makes us feel smarter.

Hey, guys! Please... please ignore that two month gap... hehehe... I'll keep these endnotes short so I can finally get this chapter up. I know I'm straying onto some really sensitive turf now, so again, if you're a little uncomfortable with just _how_ dark this series may be getting, feel free to let me know before we cross the event horizon. Otherwise, hope the long chapter makes up, in some small way, for the hiatus. To let me know, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	13. The Intrigues of Fassad Yokuba

Gamer4 in. And... whatdya know, another unnecessarily long break! Huzzah! I _do_ have an excuse this time, though, for anyone who actually cares- for all my talk about how excited I was to get to this book, I think I may have come in a tad unprepared. What am I talking about? Well, I wasn't quite sure yet how I was going to handle the detentions- a block that hit me at the end of last chapter and sustained itself until yesterday, when I finally saw the youtube viral sensation that inspired me to get back to work- between it and a previous review, I know what to do now. More on that later. Aside from that, I get the feeling that last chapter rubbed a few people the wrong way. Not to go into specifics, but... I just get the feeling. Once again, if anything I say in these stories gets particularly on anyone's nerves, feel free to let me know- these are just supposed to be good, harmless entertainment, after all. Alright, let's get going.

Disclaimer: So bye, bye, Ms. American Pie, drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry. Them good ol' boys were drinking whisky and rye, singin' 'This will be the day that I die... this will be the day that I die...'

Chapter XIII

The Intrigues of Fassad Yokuba

Mario wasn't looking forward to dinner that night- he was well aware of the speed with which rumors traveled in this mansion. Sure enough, no sooner had he set foot in the hall than everyone collectively fell silent, only to resume their conversations- an odd amount of which seemed to revolve around him. Mario furrowed his brow- before, they'd been falling quiet whenever he drew near, giving him the sense they'd been talking about him without giving him any definitive proof. Now, however, they seemed almost eager to ensure that he knew exactly what they were discussing. Running this theory past Zelda, he received a firm nod.

"I think you're right," she agreed. "If they've heard about what happened with Fassad, it makes a certain amount of sense. Demented sense, but sense nonetheless."

"What kind of sense are _you_ talking about?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, you got angry at Fassad, and shouted more about what happened that night than anyone's heard since last year," Zelda pointed out. "Maybe they think, if they get you angry enough, you'll tell the whole story start to finish."

"And, what, it'll suddenly sound just as believable now as it did then?" Mario asked skeptically.

"Did it?" Zelda raised an eyebrow of her own.

"Pardon?"

"Did it sound believable last year?" Zelda clarified.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that everything happened with just about the worst possible timing," Zelda explained her line of logic. "It's within the last weeks of the school year, the last trial happens, and you show up at the edge of the labyrinth with DK's body in your arms. People probably assumed it was an accident to begin with, and it's only a few days later that the Master Hand tells them otherwise. Before what he says can really sink in, and they have the opportunity to decide for themselves what's going on, they all go back home, and spend three months reading about how you and the Master Hand are on a fast trip to loony town. If I didn't know you so well, I'd probably be a bit skeptical myself!"

Mario recognized the truth of her words, but that didn't mean that it made him any happier about the situation. The weather outside reflected his mood, rain pounding relentlessly on the windows as they ate, then proceeded to climb up the mansion towards the Nintendo hub.

"What up, Space Jesus?" Link grinned as they approached Rosalina. Zelda sighed.

"Really? Didn't you read the new rule list? We're not supposed to do that!"

"Hey, that's a different Master Hand's rules list, not ours," Link smirked. "And as such, I will endeavor to break every single rule on that list by the end of the year!"* Clearing his throat, be began singing at the top of his lungs. "LET IT GO, LET IT GOOOO! CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!"

"BLUE STAR!" Zelda shouted over the green swordsman, as Mario tackled him to the ground. Rosalina nodded, hand pinching the bridge of her nose, as she swung forward to admit them. Zelda stepped in, while Mario dragged Link over the threshold, cap pressed against Link's mouth.

They'd left dinner somewhat early- aside from Simba the meowth leaping up onto Mario's lap, they were just about alone.

Mario sighed, rubbing his eyes vigorously. He collapsed back into his chair, resting, until a soft sound met his ears- a very familiar, teapot-whistle sound. Opening his eyes, he glanced over at Link, who looked just as confused as he did. Over at the fire, but there was no actual teapot present either. Finally, they both located the source- Zelda, burning brightly red. Abruptly, she shouted, bringing her fists down on the arms of her chair. "WHAT THE ACTUAL FU-"

"AAARRRGGHHHH!" Mario cried, interrupting her- Zelda's outburst had prompted Simba to leap up, digging his claws into Mario's leg as he springboarded over the back of the chair and onto the hub's floor, hissing, and leaving inch-deep puncture wounds in his wake.

"What's up with you?" Link asked, surprised.

"How could the Master Hand let this happen to us?!" Zelda raged.

"What, the rain? It's not like he can control the weather-"

"SCREW THE RAIN!" Zelda interrupted. "I'm talking about that 'Protection from the Evils' teacher! How could he have chosen that... that..."

"I'm not sure he had much choice in the matter," Mario shrugged, rubbing his legs as he attempted to be the voice of reason. "You know how hard it is to find someone that'll take the job, everyone thinks it's cursed."

"Yeah, but there had to be a better option than to hire someone like him!" Zelda was on the point of shrieking.

"Yeah, and if that's not bad enough, he's trying to turn the student body into his own personal spy squad," Link nodded darkly. "You heard the smeg he was saying- about this mansion being a safe space, how anyone should report anyone else talking about the Great Darkness to him..."

A shadow was passing overhead. Finally, Mario shook his head. "We can worry about that later- for now, we've got a heap of homework to get started on. Might as well..."

"Yeah, sure," Link nodded, producing three laptops from hammerspace, one for each member of the crew. "You guys are so lucky that that's my power."

"Dang right," Mario agreed wearily, booting his up. "May as well get started with Wolf- as good a starting place as any."

"Yeah, sure," Link shrugged halfheartedly. He opened up his writing program and began typing. "In regards to Plumes of Dusk and their use within the world of power-ups..." he read aloud as he typed. Smiling slightly, he saved his document and looked up at Zelda. "So, what exactly _are_ Plumes of Dusk, and why are they so important in the world of power-ups?"

Zelda anime fell right on top of her laptop, shaking as she climbed back up into her chair. "Not even going to _try_ to do this one on your own, are you? Do a little research, huh?"

"I am- it's just that my encyclopedia has skin, bones, and internal organs," Link smirked.

Zelda was on the point of responding when her eyes narrowed. Link recoiled, an apology ready on his lips, but when Zelda made her move, it was right past him and into the corner of the room where Kirby, Meta Knight, and Teddy Ellay were surrounded by a group of newcomers to the school, handing out small candies from a bag in their hands. Link gulped, then quietly took a position behind his red-clothed comrade, ready to let Zelda do the legwork on this one.

And she did, seizing Teddy's bullhorn from his hands, turning it up to full blast, and belting out, "CEASE AND DESIST, AGENTS OF CHAOS!"

Unfortunately, by that time, the noobs had already consumed the candies, and had all fainted onto the ground.

"Geez, Zelda, no need to be so loud," Teddy cringed, rubbing a pinky in his ear with one hand, taking his horn back with the other. "I need that for commentating on Smash-Up games!"

"And _I_ need it for stopping crooks like you!" Zelda snarled.

"Crooks? Us?" Kirby and Meta fired up their 'innocence halos.' "What part of what we're doing is against the rules? We're paying them for their trouble, and they're not in any real danger!"

"Yeah, see, they're coming round as we speak!" Teddy nodded vigorously, pointing to where the noobs were wearily beginning to climb to their feet. Mario blinked. The twins were talking a good game, but there was a certain look of surprise in those kids' faces that all-too-clearly said they'd had no idea what those candies actually were.

"Are you okay?" Meta asked a nearby noob gently as he helped her to her feet.

"Yeah, fine," she nodded, though her head seemed a tad floppy. "Just... just a little sleepy... I think I'll go to bed early..."

"Excess drowsiness," Meta whispered to his cohorts. "Write that down."

"Aye, sir," Kirby whispered back.

"You two are unbelievable," Zelda crossed her arms.

"What's so bad about it?" Kirby and Meta asked again. "We're not forcing them to do anything we haven't done ourselves- we ran all sorts of tests on us first, to make sure they were safe!"

"And those tests, you can keep doing," Zelda nodded. "But you will _not_ con first years into your little experiments! Consider this strike two- if we get to strike three..."

"What, you'll wag your finger at us?" Kirby goaded.

"Make us copy out some lines?" Meta agreed.

"No, I won't touch you," Zelda shook her head. "I know nothing I do can faze you- no point in trying. However, I'm sure Mrs. Faron would be _very_ interested in knowing what you're up to..."

For the first time, a genuine look of fear crossed the puffballs faces. "You... you wouldn't!" They tried to recover their bravado, but the damage was done- Zelda had won, and they all knew it.

"Clear up, and don't let me see you doing this again," Zelda narrowed her eyes at them one last time, before turning back to the other two. Resuming her seat, she glared in Mario's direction. "You can come on out, now."

"Who was hiding?" Link asked, crawling out from behind the mustachioed matador, who was currently glaring at the author and his forced alliteration. "I just lost my pen."

"We're typing," Zelda pointed out. "Well... I _was_... I can't concentrate anymore. I'm turning in."

She returned her laptop to Link, who dutifully returned it to hammerspace. This done, she reached into her own bag, produced from it two scraps of paper, placed them on the table, crossed the room to the trash can, and dumped it all over the table on top of said scraps.

"The flip are you doing?" Link asked, bewildered.

"I wrote some poems for the yoshis over the summer," Zelda explained. "A bit of... moral support, you know?"

"Moral support, my butt," Link crossed his arms. "You know just as well as we do that yoshis are freed with written work."

"Is that how it works?" Zelda asked, putting on a facade of confusion. "Huh, had no idea."

"Yeah, bull," Link knitted his brow. "Look, I honestly wouldn't be against it so much, except for the garbage- what, you're forcing them into freedom whether they want it or not? Isn't that technically the _opposite_ of freedom?"

"No assassin's creed bull here!" Zelda crossed her arms right back. "You leave those poems alone!"

With that, she turned and marched upstairs.

Link grunted, then returned all the garbage to the bin, leaving the poems in place- though Mario cringed when he glanced at said poems and realized how bad they were. 'Song of the Mermaid' was full of cliches, but even so, was an instant classic compared to 'Ode to a Marmalade Muffin.'

Link sighed as he resumed his seat. "Might as well leave 'em there, for any yoshis that really want them, but it doesn't sit right with me unless it really _is_ their choice." With that, he shut his laptop. "No point, without her around- I'm still not entirely sure what a Plume of Dusk is. You?"

"The feather of a raven?" Mario shrugged. "Not a clue. But... you know we'll regret this tomorrow, right?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Link shrugged. Not one to disagree with that kind of logic- especially when he was as tired as he was- Mario shut his laptop as well and followed his friend up to bed.

XXXX

The next morning dawned, not bright, and definitely not sunny- the entire sky had been swallowed by clouds and drizzle. Between the golden trio, Zelda was the only one looking happy. When questioned, she responded, "My poems disappeared. Seems the yoshis are a little more keen on freedom than you gave them credit for."

"Or they just picked them up by accident," Mario pointed out- yeah, the poems hadn't been hidden anymore, but Zelda didn't know that, so said logic still applied.

"Well... well..." Zelda turned red.

"Or maybe they were just so badly-written they didn't actually count," Link threw his two cents into the ring.

And so it came to be that Zelda refused to talk to him for the rest of the morning.

Today, they had both an extra-long weapons class with Pikachu, and an extra-long transformation class with Samus, both of whom were keen on reminding them that the A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests were on their way. Samus, as one might expect, was particularly severe.

"The A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests have the potential to alter the course of your life," she spoke to her class. "I expect every single one of you to pass with at least a silver- and yes, Luigi, I'm looking at you, too," she added, softening ever so slightly as her gaze crossed the lanky lad in lime. "The only thing you truly need is some confidence- it sounds cliche, but believing in yourself really is paramount in your smashing endeavors. Now, to work..."

The work she provided them with was some of the most difficult that they had ever been put to within the walls of the Smash Mansion, and both Mario and Link were thoroughly exhausted by class's end. Not Zelda, though- as ever, she passed with flying colors, earning her some points from Samus, and enough of her smugness back that she was comfortable talking with Link once again.

Both Samus and Pikachu had added significantly to their workload, and it was with no small amount of panic that the trio ate a quick lunch before convening in the library to work on their essay for Wolf. Mario's temples were beginning to throb as they finally left the mansion and trekked down the lawn for their first Smashing Creatures class.

Sure enough, Kjelle was the one waiting for them next to Crazy's cabin, all set with a large tank at her side, within which were many large, round, adorable-looking orange creatures, floating complacently in the air.

"What are these things?" he asked of Kjelle as he approached. "Let me guess- only girls can approach safely, right?"

"I can do without the snide remarks, Mario," Kjelle's eyes narrowed. "I'll have you know that I took some therapy over the summer, and I'll be striving to be a tad more inclusive this time around- especially since I'll be staying a tad longer."

Before Mario could ask exactly how long, Kjelle had already turned to the rest of the class. "Alright, everyone here? Good- let's start with the obvious question- can anyone tell me what these creatures are?"

Up shot Zelda's hand, almost breaking the speed of light. Bowser and his crew were quick to point and chortle, only to let out yelps of fright as one of Bowser's claws clanked against the tank, prompting each and every one of the orange creatures within to transform into horrifying abominations, eyes fusing into one, mouths sprouting rows of sharp teeth, and swarming to chomp at them- only to be blocked by the tank's glass.

"Those," Zelda smirked, "would be scarfies."

"Correct," Kjelle nodded. "Five points to Nintendo. These are, indeed, scarfies, and, as Mr. Dragmire has just demonstrated, they appear docile until they perceive a threat, at which point they become much more threatening themselves in return. It is therefore critical to approach them with the utmost caution- they only lash out against perceived danger. For safety's sake, we'll be keeping them in this tank for the remainder of the lesson- for now, observe them from behind the glass, with the end goal of giving me an anatomical sketch of them by class's end."

The class broke, breaking out sketch pads and pencils as they warily approached the den of scarfies. Mario, on the other hand, made his way to the teacher. "Where's the Hand?"

"In his office, I'd imagine," Kjelle said evasively. "Being this school's headmaster has to take a lot of work, I'd imagine."

"You know which Hand I'm talking about," Mario's eyes narrowed.

"No need for you to know," Kjelle cocked her head away from him. Mario blinked- this was odd compared to her half-sympathetic attitude last year- this time around, she seemed to be actively evading the topic. What was going on here?

He heard a snort, and turned to see the loathsome turtle behind him, sketchbook in hand. "My guess is the moron's got himself in the doghouse, dog," he chortled. "Bitten off a bit more than he could chew. Dealin' with things a bit... beyond his reach, you dig?"

Mario was burning up. He _hated_ not knowing things when Bowser did. Then, a horrible thought occurred to him... Ghirahim, Bowser's father, was a starman... did the starmen know something about Crazy's fate that had yet to reach Philanthropy's ears?

Truly concerned, he turned to Link and Zelda, but Zelda immediately nixed the idea. "The Master Hand would know. Don't worry about Crazy- yeah, he's crazy, but he can still take care of himself. Besides, ten to one, wherever he is, Okami Amaterasu's with him, right?"

Mario looked back at the past story- yeah, that seemed fairly likely, and if the Crazy Hand or Amaterasu could take care of themselves individually, they _had_ to be a force to be reckoned with combined.

As the lesson finished and they walked back up the hill to the mansion, Peach appeared from the nearby greenhouses, a familiar girl with wings extending from her head not far behind. "Yo," Peach flashed a grin at Mario as she passed.

"Hello, Mario," Melia greeted him formally. "I just wished to inform you that I believe you. I believe that the Great Darkness returned, that you fought him, and escaped."

"Yeah... sure... you get right to the point, don't you?" Mario asked, taken slightly aback.

Melia was on the point of answering when her eyes fell on Saria Kokiri and Ilia Ordona not far away, laughing and pointing at her 'Princess Leia' buns. Seemingly getting the wrong idea, she responded as follows: "Laugh all you will, but the truth always comes out in the end! After all, people used to believe that there was no such thing as Telethia, and that the Fairy Tail guild disbanded a thousand years ago!"

"And they were right," Zelda pointed out. "There _is_ no such thing as Telethia, and the Fairy Tail guild _did_ disband a thousand years ago."

"Did they?" Melia tilted her head in disdain at Zelda. "Hm." With that, she turned and followed Peach back into the Smash Mansion.

"Oh, come on, Zelda, you got on Link for Pauline yesterday!" Mario pointed out, annoyed. "Why you gotta go and do the same thing for one of the first people this year to come out and say they believe me?"

"Because the _last_ person you need backing you up is _that_ airhead," Zelda crossed her arms scathingly. "She only believes in things that there's no evidence for. Not that I'd expect anything less from the daughter of the Alcamoth Times's editor. Telethia and the Fairy Tail guild, honestly..."

"Harsh," Mario raised an eyebrow. "Besides, I don't know about Telethia, but I know that the Fairy Tail guild _is_ still around- I worked for them over the summer, they're the ones who gave me the job to investigate Freddy Fazbear's."

Zelda sighed. "Not you, too, Mario..."

"Why not?" Mario shrugged. "Why so skeptical? I mean, I could understand _Link_ being skeptical, I mean, he grew up in this world-"

"Yo," Link smiled, flashing a peace sign as he was mentioned.

"-but you and I grew up in the muggle world, before finding out about all this smeg! Honestly, I'd believe just about anything at this point."

"There are no Telethia, and no Fairy Tail guild, and that's final!" Zelda stomped her foot.

"Then where did I get this awesome tattoo?" Mario asked, lowering his shirt enough to reveal the flaming red wing just over his heart.

"From a tattoo parlor?" Zelda speculated. "Honestly, Mario, I don't know what you're trying to pull, but-"

Before she could continue, a soft coughing drew their attention to Lucas Ikari, a young boy from Hal, standing before them, hair just as blond as ever. "Hey, Mario? I... I don't know about Melia, but I just wanted to say- I believe you too. My Dad and I have always stood by the Master Hand... and I'll stand by you, too."

"Uh... thanks," Mario blinked, not entirely sure how to react. Lucas nodded, giving a faint smile before hurrying off to his next class.

Mario was starting to detect a pattern- their next class began with Daisy going over the importance of the A.L.B.A.T.R.O.S.S. tests with them. He had a feeling that he was going to start having a seizure every time they were brought up by the end of the week. One long, hard class later, and the classes returned to the mansion to shower and commence dinner. Mario was desperate to relax, but there was no time- even after all this, he still had that detention with Fassad to worry about. He settled down with a plate of chicken, but no sooner was the first bite up to his mouth than a shout echoed across the hall. "MARIO M. MARIO!"

Mario sighed as he put the chicken down, turning and recoiling as a purple-haired tomboy appeared before him, literally carrying a stormcloud with her. "WHAT THE HECK, MAN, WHAT THE HECK?! WHAT'S THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU BEING IN DETENTION ON FRIDAY?!"

"Friday?" Mario asked, quickly racking his brains. "What's on Fri- oh, yeah, tryouts!"

"'Bout time you remember," Kumatora fumed. "You're only the best seeker that the team's ever had, aren't you? Don't you have any designs on getting back on the team this year?"

"Hey, this wasn't my decision!" Mario pointed out, his eyebrows coming together. "I don't know how you found out, but I got that detention from Fassad for telling the truth about the Great-"

"Yeah, yeah, I heard the whole story," Kumatora waved him aside. "So, by order of the team captain, here's what you're going to do- you're going to walk up to Fassad, and you're going to convince him to let you reschedule that detention! I don't care _what_ you have to do- barter, bargain, or tell him that the Great Darkness was an LSD-fueled hallucination if you have to, just make sure you're there, or you just might not make it on the team!"

With that, she was gone.

Mario sighed. "Aaaaand, now my place on the Smash-up team is in jeapordy."

"You think he'll let you off?" Link asked skeptically.

"Yeah, no," Mario shook his head hopelessly. "Then again, I guess there's nothing to lose in asking- worst I'll get is another crud-eating little 'nwehe'..."

XXXX

And so it came to be that Mario's heart was even heavier than he'd been expecting as he bid his comrades farewell at half-past-four that night, before setting off down the stairs of the mansion towards Fassad's office. He knocked on the door, was bidden to enter, and did so.

Mario blinked. Prior to this, the only teacher he'd never gotten to see decorate this room was King Dedede- he'd gotten remarkably familiar with the decorations of Simon Belmont, Fox Mccloud, and, most chillingly of all, Tingle Limpah. Up to this point, he'd thought that nothing would ever beat out Tingle's for sheer awfullness... well, now he'd found it.

Fassad's room was decked out largely in blue, with images of various people posted around the walls. While posters were nothing new, these posters were horribly perverted versions of those they represented- Sam and Dean Winchester, getting uncomfortably close with each other, right across from a disturbingly realistic picture of Gray Fullbuster... er... _dancing_ with Juvia Lockser. The Doctor and the Master... urgh... he didn't even want to _think_ about that...

It was almost a relief to turn towards Fassad himself and see the only picture behind him was that of a large banana. Sitting on his desk was a strange pink box that resembled a computer in some ways, but in others... not so much.

Fassad seemed to light up when he saw Mario enter the room. "Nwehehe... hello, Mr. Mario," he smirked under that moustache of his.

"Mr. Yokuba," Mario nodded curtly.

Fassad tilted his head. "Well, take a seat," he smirked.

Mario half nodded, taking the proposed seat in front of Fassad's desk. "Mr. Yokuba, I... I need to ask you something."

Fassad's eyes widened momentarily. "Well, asking is free, my boy."

"Yeah," Mario agreed, bracing himself. "Well, here's the thing- I aim to get onto the Smash-Up team this year- played every year before this. The thing is, the tryouts are on Friday, which kind of conflicts with our schedule, so I was wondering if we could... you know, reschedule..."

He'd known it was pointless beforehand, and his suspicions were only confirmed as Fassad burst into laughter. "Nwehehe- nwehehe- NWEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! Oh, surely you jest, Mr. Mario! Reschedule your punishment for trying to corrupt the minds of the youthful populace? Next, you'll be demanding that we release prisoners from Subspace that they might join the Olympics!"

Mario's blood was starting to rush- a simple denial would have been enough, let alone accusing _him_ of trying to corrupt his fellow students... however, shouting him down would hardly get him anywhere, so he swallowed his anger and simply gave a vague shrug of acceptance.

"Nwehehe... he... I'll need to remember that one," Fassad chuckled for a little longer. "Ah... hehehe... anyways, Mr. Mario, your detention tonight will be a little... unique. Do you recognize the object on my desk?"

"It kind of looks like a computer," Mario shrugged.

"It is a happy box," Fassad grinned. "A device tested and guaranteed by the government to teach lessons and provide true happiness to those who watch it. So, that will be what you do tonight- simply watch the happy box until I give you clearance to leave. That's not so bad, is it?"

Mario tilted his head. "I don't follow."

"You will, Mr. Mario... you will," Fassad smirked.

Mario shrugged, and turned to gaze into the screen on the outer edge of the box. Without him or Fassad touching the box or any obvious remote controls, it flickered to life. On screen were three strange individuals sitting around a table on a set that seemed to be ripped right out of Sesame Street or Blue's Clues. Abruptly, a sketchbook on the table flipped open, revealing a face that began to sing. "What's your favorite idea? Mine is being creative!"

And so it came to be that the video jumped into a catchy song about creativity, eventually drawing in the three bizarre puppet beings sitting around the desk, starting with painting, making words out of sticks, and other things. However, as the video went on, things began to change, getting... stranger. One of the puppets, a short boy in yellow, made the word 'green' out of sticks, only for the sketchbook to shoot him down, declaring green an 'uncreative color.' The same puppet attempted to paint a clown, only for it to be declared 'wrongly creative' and destroyed with oil. Things only got weirder from there- as in, a human heart being dipped in gold glitter weird. Eventually, it all came to an end, the sketchbook deciding the best thing would be to never be creative again.

"Was I supposed to get a message from that?" Mario asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Keep watching, my boy," Fassad smirked.

Mario did so- another video began, showing the same three strange individuals sitting around a t.v. Eventually, one of them made a comment about running out of time. A clock nearby abruptly came to life- "There's always time for a song! Time is a tool you can put on the wall, or wear it on your rizd! The past is far behind, and the future doesn't exist!"

Once again, it began like the stereotypical children's show, only to take a darker turn towards the end, as something happened to the 'learners' that truly made Mario shudder internally, eventually bringing the video to an end. And before he could even turn towards Fassad, the next video had begun.

It kept going- each clip starting like your usual children's puppet show, but inevitable taking a darker turn. After the sixth clip, it simply looped back around, starting at the one with the sketchbook and proceeding down the line. Mario was starting to lose track of time- despite his initial lack of interest, and his increasing sense of unease with these clips, he couldn't tear his eyes away- it was as though his eyes were glued to the screen, forced to watch it all happen over and over and over again...

At long last, Fassad spoke up, moving the happy box aside. "How are you feeling, Mr. Mario?"

Mario blinked- how was he feeling? He honestly had no idea how to answer that. What was going on again?

His confusion must have shown on his face, because Fassad burst out laughing again. "Nwehehehe... it seems you are beginning to get the message. Very well, you may go."

Go... yeah, he'd like to go. In a daze, he stood and turned towards the door, stumbling out. It was only as he began to climb the stairs that he finally came to- what exactly had happened in there? He didn't know, but he didn't like it. He turned and sped up as he continued climbing, eventually sprinting up the stairs, not breathing easy until he was in front of Rosalina.**

XXXX

The next day, it occurred to him that, despite his ever-increasing inbox of homework, he still had yet to really get started on it. He darted down to the dining hall to grab a couple slices of toast, then rushed up to the library to throw down a few bullcrud dreams for Lucario, and write up the start of his essay for Wolf. Next stop was the mansion's attic, where he found Link waiting with bags beneath his eyes. He blinked in confusion. "What's up?"

"Not much sleep last night..." Link muttered. "Just got... not much sleep..."

"Yeah, I heard you the first time," Mario nodded, staring slightly. "Any dreams in your diary?"

"Yeah, wrote down something about not being allowed in the shoeshop until I got my boots shined," Link muttered vaguely. "Figured he'd have a tough time drawing terrible conclusions for that... how was the detention?"

Mario hesitated slightly- honestly, he had no idea what Fassad was up to with this detention plan. No point getting too worried until he had more information. "Nothing too bad," he shrugged.

It was a very evasive answer, but Link seemed too tired to notice or care. "And Friday?"

"Nothing doing," Mario shook his head, earning him a groan of sympathy.

Third bad day in a row- Lucario wasn't too bad, but his lack of practice for transformation came back to bite him when he had class with Samus again that very day, his crude, rushed sketch of a scarfy won him no points with Kjelle, both of the above added even more homework to his plate, the whole thing was with the threat of Fassad's next detention looming over his head, and if it all wasn't bad enough, Kumatora _flipped_ when she found out he wouldn't be at tryouts, saying that his position on the team was as good as someone else's.

XXXX

As for the detention, it unsettled him even more than the last one had. With every repetition of those clips, he found himself being mesmerized further and further, lost in the songs, only to be unpleasantly jolted as the dark turn took place. He should be used to it by now, but every time, it was as though he'd never seen it before. The worst of it had to be when, during the clip about 'health,' he thought he could actually taste some of the rancid meat being shoved down one of the puppet's throats. Very faintly, but it was there. Not long after, he was finally dismissed, and rushed back upstairs.

Despite the seemingly-sedentary punishment, he found himself drained more thoroughly than Smash-Up practice had ever achieved as he arrived in the hub. However, he _really_ needed to get through some of that homework. The thought of an angry Wolf looming over his head, he got to work on that essay, researching everything he could on Plumes of Dusk, and transcribing it all into a rather bland essay for the anthro. Not the best, but it definitely beat getting in trouble with him, too.

The next day was one of the weariest he'd ever had, and culminated once more in sitting in front of the happy box, flicking through the clips one by one, being pulled in further and further. A true shock came to him when one of the 'teachers' grew angry, screeching loud enough to cause one of the puppet's ears to bleed. Mario absentmindedly reached up to his own ears, only to feel something rather damp. Blinking, he gazed down at his hand, to see his usual white glove stained red. Suddenly snapping out of his mesmerization, he felt the sides of his head- no doubt about it, his ears were bleeding in real life, just as the puppet's were on screen.

This did not go unnoticed by Fassad, who looked up and let out another hateful 'Nwehehehe...'

"Hmm, you truly seem to be understanding the message now," he smirked. "You can leave a little early tonight."

Many years ago, Mario had been surprised to find someone he hated more than Bill Smith, in the form of Bowser Dragmire. As he marched back to the Nintendo hub, he realized it had happened again- he had finally found a teacher he hated more than Wolf O'Donnell. The realization of just what that happy box was doing to him sent him into quiet fits of fury. He was on the verge of kicking the nearest wall when a rush of green blurred the edges of his vision. "Huh- Link?"

"Link's not here!" came a voice from behind a nearby statue. "Pay no attention to that boy behind the statue!"

"Link, come out, I know it's you," Mario crossed his arms, tapping his foot impatiently.

Slowly, Link stepped out from behind the statue. "Hey, Mario," he smiled, chuckling nervously. "Fancy seeing you here. You know, you're usually in bed by now..."

"So you've been out here before?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

Link softly cursed himself. "No, of course not!" he quickly backtracked. "I was just saying, you know, that I... you see..."

"Link, what's going on?" Mario cut off his rambling.

Link stood there, looking paralyzed, for a second more before seemingly breaking down. "Alright, I'll tell you," he muttered, fixing his gaze on his boots. "I've been... practicing. I mean, I've got a halfway decent kart now, right? Thought I might as well put it to good use- I've been practicing down on the field for the tryouts tomorrow, thought I'd see if I could make it onto the team's defense."

"Don't know why you thought I'd laugh," Mario raised his eyebrows. "That's a great idea! It'd be great if you made it! Any good?"

"Decent," Link shrugged awkwardly, showing that normal human aversion to speaking well of himself. "I always took the defense when I played with Midna and the puffballs." Link groaned. "Oh, the puffballs... what are Kirby and Meta going to say? They're _going_ to be at the tryouts, there's no way they won't be..."

"I just wish I could be there," Mario muttered bitterly.

"Yeah, I wish that- Mario, you're bleeding!"

"Huh?" Mario asked, before wincing in remembrance. "It's nothing- just a scratch!"

"In your _eardrums?!_ " Link asked, horrified. "What is that Fassad bastard _doing_ to you?! You said it wasn't that bad!"

Mario hesitated momentarily. He didn't want his friend to worry, but on the other hand, Link had been honest with him, so... "It wasn't, at first," he admitted heavily.

And so it came to be that he told the whole story to Link, whose teapot whistle grew louder and louder as the narrative continued. "That miserable pile of goron crud!" he cursed. "That sick, sick boo-f***ing stalfo! You can't let him get away with this- go to Samus!"

"I can't," Mario shook his head. "If I do that, he'll win."

"This isn't a matter of winning or losing!" Link objected. "At this point, it's a matter of good vs. evil! Samus would flip her _smeg_ if she knew about this!"

"But how much power does Samus really have to stop him?"

Link looked taken aback. "Then... the Master Hand! If anyone can step in, he can!"

"Not gonna happen," Mario shook his head. "He's got enough on his plate without me adding on."

Before Link could object, he turned and moved off.

XXXX

This, hands down, was the worst first week at the Smash Mansion Mario had ever experienced. The only thing that even came close was back in his second year, when he'd spent the first week under ridicule for crashing a flying phone box into the flaaghra. At least then, he'd known it would blow over eventually- this time around, the only faint ray of light in the tunnel was the knowledge that this was his last detention, after which it would be the weekend- a weekend that would likely be spent mostly on playing homework catch-up, but at this point, he was desperate for even a faint, flickering candle.

Sure enough, there sat the happy box, and there sat Fassad. The vague thought had crossed his mind that he might be able to catch a glimpse of what was going on at the tryouts through the window, but this hope was extinguished as the happy box fired up and drew his full attention towards it.

He could feel the glitter-covered heart in his hand.

He could feel the flesh rotting away from his bones.

He was being buried in gravel and drowned in oil.

He felt his head exploding.

His chest was surgically cut open, as he was force-fed gray, rancid pudding.

By the time he resurfaced again, it was already dark, and it felt like he'd spent the whole time with his head underwater. There was blood flowing from his ears again, blood on his hands, he could still smell the oil he'd been forced into, and, overall, he really wasn't feeling well.

He looked over at Fassad, grinning. "Have you gotten the message yet?"

As he spoke, Mario felt a sudden bolt of pain across his scar. His eyes widened as he stared back.

"Yes, I'd imagine it causes a bit of pain," Fassad laughed, eyes raking over the blood. "Well, dismissed."

Mario felt his bones go cold. Pain, huh? Did Fassad simply mean the pain of his ears feeling like they'd been punctured, his head had been repeatedly exploded, and he'd been crushed under a truckload of gravel? Or did he mean something even more sinister than that? Did Fassad, on some level or another, know about the pain that had just coursed through his scar?

He made a quick trip to the bathroom to wash himself off and make himself a bit more presentable, then climbed up to Rosalina, to whom he delivered the password.

A roar of sound rushed out as Rosalina opened up, riotous cheers and loud dance music.

Link greeted him, pulling him in happily as he swung a can of Mountain Dew around. "I did it! Mario, I can't believe it, I actually did it! I'm the Nintendo team's defense!"

"Huh?" Mario asked, his brain taking a second to catch up with the rest of his body. "Oh- oh! Good, great, awesome, outstanding, _amazing!_ "

Link blushed, and offered the retort that usually came from Mario's mouth- "All I did was press A. Any idea where Zelda is?"

"Over by the fire," called a passing Kirby, taking the head of a conga line.

"It was a great trial!" Paula Polestar called, fast-dancing with Ness Levi. "He tore that other competition _up!_ "

"Well, that might be a _bit_ of an overstatement," came a soft voice, drawing Mario's attention to Kumatora. Link had already left, joining Kirby's conga line, leaving him and Kumatora free to talk.

"So... who's the new seeker?" Mario asked hopelessly.

"Honestly, you," Kumatora smiled weakly. "You didn't try out, but you _still_ did better than any of the other idiots who turned up. Unless you took some severe brain damage this summer, and forgot everything you know about karts, you've got the spot. You'd better say yes- you don't want to put us all in a bind, do you?"

Mario laughed inwardly- this was the closest he'd imagine Kumatora ever came to outright saying 'I'm sorry.' "Yeah, I gladly accept," he smiled good-naturedly, trying to communicate that all was forgiven.

"Maybe I shouldn't have been... _quite_ as sharp as I was earlier," Kumatora half-shrugged. "But it's really stressful, you know?"

"Kumatora- _Captain_ \- it's alright."

Kumatora shook her head. "Whatever. Now, about Link- like I said, destroying the competition was a bit of an overstatement. He actually came in third, not first- but of the other two, one was a control freak- never happy unless she was the one barking orders. As for the other one, he was in a band- came right out and admitted that if it came to a conflict between the team and his band, he'd take his band. So, Link _was_ the best... that would keep loyal to the team and that I could actually stand to work with. What I'm trying to say is... try to help him out, a'ight?"

"Of course," Mario nodded. Kumatora smiled and crossed the room to join the conga line.

Mario, meanwhile, took a seat beside Zelda, snoring on her laptop. "Still alive down there?" he wondered out loud.

Zelda jerked, and slowly raised her head, revealing a pattern of keys on her face. "Huh? Oh, hi, Mario. I've been up late, working on some more poems for the yoshis. They seem to be pretty popular!"

Mario had his doubts about that, but that wasn't what was on his mind at the moment. He was currently worried about the earlier incident with Fassad. He related the story of his scar to her- he had to tell someone, and he couldn't bring himself to worry Link when he was as happy as he was.

Zelda listened closely. "So... you think it's something like Mewtwo? The Great Darkness is somehow controlling him?"

"Is it possible?"

"Well... not as directly as with Mewtwo, not now that he's got his own body. I guess he could be mind controlling him more indirectly, but I'm not sure that would be enough to set off your scar... didn't the Master Hand say something about it also going off when the Great Darkness is feeling heavy emotion? Maybe it's just a coincidence."

"I don't know, the guy's definitely evil," Mario pointed out.

"Yeah, no denying that," Zelda agreed. "But the starmen don't have a monopoly on evil, either. Either way, I think you should go to the Master Hand about this."

Mario shook his head, just as he had for Link. "Not gonna happen. He's too busy."

"Mario, this is the kind of thing I think he'd _want_ distracting him."

"Yeah, I know," Mario muttered coldly. "As long as my scar's acting as a smoke alarm, he needs me, but as soon as it quiets down, back to Peach Creek for me, right?"

"Mario, that's not-" Zelda started, but Mario cut her off.

"If I ask anyone, it's going to be Strider."

Zelda put her foot down. "Mario, that's not the kind of thing you can write about! Remember what Simon said? What if the government or starmen found out about it?"

"Whatever you say," Mario threw up his hands in defeat. "Alright, well, I'm beat, I think I'll go to bed."

"Yeah, not a bad idea," Zelda agreed. "Hey, Mario, before that... what say you help me out with a few of the next poems? I know the ones I was writing weren't exactly Poe, but I've been getting better, I'm sure I can help you, too!"

"Well, honestly, I would, Zelda, but the fact is... I don't want to." Mario would normally have tried to be less blunt about it, but he didn't have the energy right now to be tactful. "That and I have too much homework right now... night."

He felt a pang of guilt at the look on Zelda's face, but he was exhausted- so exhausted that, heedless of the noise from the party below, he was out like a light the moment his head made contact with his pillow.

 _XXXX_

*Calling out to a story that I just noticed in my inbox today- yeah, I've been away from the computer for a while- SpiderShadow's _Master Hand's Big Book O'Rules._ Had me laughing from start to finish- highly recommended.

** Two call-outs here- first to ProdigyGaming, who pointed out that happy boxes were an obvious thing to include in Fassad's torture- er, punishment- sessions, and also to Youtube viral series, _Don't Hug Me, I'm Scared,_ a rather dark satire on the stereotypical morning children's puppet show. It's bizarre and off-the-wall, but also rather interesting, and considering it's only six episodes long, none of which exceeds ten minutes in length, definitely worth a watch. Just one quick warning- as this chapter probably indicates, there _are_ healthy doses of nightmare fuel, so approach with caution.

And... done! Just under a month- better than last time! Keep following the pattern, and the next chapter will be up in two weeks! Of course, I think we can do better- after this rather dark chapter, I think we'll lighten things up next time with a random quicky! Until then, my birthday's tomorrow, so if you want to get me the perfect present, I have but one thing to say- please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	14. Random Quicky: Trial by Lightning

Gamer4 in. As one of the estimated three people on planet earth to not yet have downloaded Pokemon Go, I have enough time left over to come in and type up a quick breather chapter! Hope you guys enjoy!

Disclaimer: Did you write the book of love, and do you have faith in God above? If the Bible tells you so? Do you believe in rock and roll? Could music save your mortal soul, and can you teach me how to dance real slow?

Random Quicky

Trial by Lightning

Kumatora was... nervous.

It wasn't an easy thing to admit, not even to herself, let alone to any other person in the Smash Mansion, but it was certainly a fact.

While she certainly never thought of herself as submissive- not even close- neither did she typically think of herself as a leader. It had always been Captain Falcon who drew up the plays and directed the team around the field- now that she was facing the prospect of drawing up those plays herself, there was a knot forming in her stomach at the prospect. It would have been bad enough if it was just all the old faces, but the fact that there would inevitably be two, maybe more new faces on the team this year... she didn't like to think about it.

"Hey, Kuma!" came a call from outside the bathroom. "You ready to go?"

She looked up into the mirror. What was it Captain Falcon had said? 'The only time you can look afraid is when it's all over.' When she'd first heard the phrase, a scared little second year attempting to join the team, it hadn't made any sense. 'But... when it's all over, there's nothing to be afraid of.' To which Captain Falcon had responded... 'Exactly.'

Clearing her throat, she splashed a bit of water on her face. "I'm fine... just fine," she muttered. Out loud, she called back- "Yeah, I'm on my way!"

Just outside the door were two boys from Hal that she'd developed a close friendship with over her time at the mansion- Lucas Ikari and Duster Osohe. From different groups, true, but she felt a bond with them more significant than with many from Nintendo- apart from the team, of course. They'd been almost as proud to hear about her promotion as she had, and had promised to show up to the tryouts to watch her put the new team together.

"Hope you're ready to see the team that'll be kicking Hal's butt this year," Kumatora smirked mischievously at her comrades.

"I don't know," Duster shrugged, smiling right back. "We're not slouching either- and if _you're_ the one coming up with strategies..."

"Oh, shut up," Kumatora gave him a light, playful punch on the shoulder.

Outside the stadium, Duster and Lucas separated, heading into the stands and waving farewell. Kumatora waved back, then entered to get into uniform.

XXXX

A few minutes later, she entered the stadium itself, to find hundreds- nay, thousands- of potential offense and defense members, brawlers, and seekers awaiting her. Okay, maybe it was only fifty or so, but to her nerves-addled mind, it sure _seemed_ like thousands. Refusing to show said nerves, she cleared her throat to announce her presence. "So, as you all know, the Nintendo Smash-Up team is undergoing a complete overhaul this year- with a new captain comes a reshuffling of all the positions. This will be the first time in six years that we've held full try-outs for every position, so I just want to clear a few things up first- Captain Falcon, my predecessor, didn't accept any farting around, and I won't either- I'll only take the best of the best of the best of the _best._ That means that even those of you who've been on the team before, I want to see you busting your _asses_ today- if there's someone better-suited, I won't hesitate to give your slot to them. Got it, _you two?_ " She directed a quick death glare at the Faron twins, not exactly known for taking things seriously- they stood firm and saluted her, putting on serious faces- literally, masks with a serious face drawn onto them. Sighing, Kumatora shook her head.

"Alright, I want to get to know the people I'll be working closest with this year, so let's get the other two offense members out of the way. Potential seekers, brawlers, and defenders, take five- we'll get to you in a bit."

About half the group moved back into the stands, giving the offense plenty of room to practice. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see the puffballs bringing out a bag of popcorn. She was ready to sigh heavily when she noticed Lucas and Duster doing the same. Huh. Well, whatever. Time to put these applicants to their first test.

The first thing she did was march right up to a rough-looking senior with a scar over the side of his lip. "Name?" she demanded.

"Ezio Auditore."

"Sounds Spanish."

"Italian, actually."

"Well, Mr. Auditore, before we begin, I have one request from you- I want you to hit me as hard as you can."

"Huh?" Ezio blinked in confusion, only to recoil as Kumatora flung her head forward, bashing him in the nose.

"Bam! The other team has the ball!"

Leaving him to nurse a bloody nose, she moved to what seemed to be a fifth year- blond and wearing a white shirt. "Name?"

"Elena Fisher."

"Hit me as hard as you can."

"But why-"

*WHACK!*

"You've just been hit by a chain chomp!" Kumatora growled, moving along. Next student- blond hair, yellow vest. "Name!"

"Tidus Zanarkand."

"Hit me as hard as you can."

"But I-"

*WHACK!*

"The other team just scored while you were staring, slack-jawed!" Next student- plaid skirt beneath a red cardigan. "Name?"

"AGIDYNE!"

A gigantic column of fire descended upon Kumatora, only narrowly blocked by her quick reflexes- and a PSI shield. When the fire had cleared, just about everyone was staring, slack-jawed, at the two of them- Kumatora and the girl in red. When Kumatora began moving forward, there was a collective gasp- except from the red girl, who seemed happily oblivious to the danger. "Is that what you wanted?"

Kumatora was growling. "That was reckless, over-the-top, and completely disproportionate." Brightening up, she concluded, "Well done! What's your name?"

"Yukiko Amagi," the girl bowed slightly.

"Amagi... I'll be sure to remember that name," Kumatora smiled. Raising her voice, she declared, "On the field, there's not always time to think- sometimes, you really do need to leap before you look. Tidus, Elena, Ezio- you're out. Everyone else, into your karts- we're going to do a five-lap race around the track- anyone who loses to me, consider yourselves out."

At these words, several more students than just the three she'd named walked off- Kumatora's skills as a member of the team's offense were legendary, after all. By the end, there were only twelve of the original thirty or so who'd come out. Kumatora went around, lining them up- to make it somewhat fair, she took the least advantageous spot at the starting line for herself, and didn't even turn her kart on until a few seconds after everyone had took off. Handicap or no, however, only one of them came even _close_ to her time around the track- Paula Polestar, pulling through again.

Kumatora beamed as she turned around at the end. Before she could even speak, another six or so applicants were sulking off into the stands. Raising her voice, she declared- "Another crucial trait for those on this team is perseverance when all seems hopeless. To the five of you left- congratulations. Paula- you kept up with me, it was almost a photo finish there- welcome back."

Paula smiled, stepping forward to shake her friend's hand, then moving off to the stands, leaving Kumatora to gaze at the rest of them. "As for you, while you've all done well, only one of you showed much interest in the race beyond just going in five circles- you were playing to _win._ And that person is you!"

As she spoke, she performed a dramatic, Professor-Layton-style point at- you guessed it- Yukiko Amagi, who seemed surprised herself. "You mean... _I_ made it?"

Kumatora nodded. "True, you were no Ana out there, but I'm sure we'll get you to her level with a bit of training. Welcome to the team."

"Th-thank you," Yukiko performed her slight bow again as she moved forward, shaking Kumatora's hand and going into the stands to sit next to Paula.

Kumatora turned to the remaining applicants. Truth be told, she was putting off the seeker trials as long as she could- always the hope that Mario would show up at the last second. She wasn't particularly keen on running the defense trials quite yet, either- that position was going to be someone new, no matter what. Instead, she turned to the brawlers. "Alright, everyone who brought their super scopes, come on down!"

Well, that dashed off a good chunk of the participants right off the bat- she was shocked how many hadn't thought to bring their own equipment. It warmed her up a bit, however, to see that the twins, for all their apparent ADHD, had been just as dutiful in bringing their scopes as always.

"Okay, let's get started!" she clapped her hands together. She first approached a senior in jeans, a half-tucked shirt, and black hair done up in a way that reminded her somewhat of Lucas. "Name?"

"Nathan Drake."

"Right. Now, I want you to hit-"

*WHACK!*

She'd only gotten halfway through the sentence before the butt of Drake's scope found its mark between her eyes. Shaking off the stars, she heard him saying, "Kind of hard to use that trick on us after we just watched you use it on them, you know?"

"True, true," Kumatora agreed. "Alright, then- Amagi, Paula, get down here! This will be a trial for Amagi, too- she's the rival team's offense member with the ball, and Paula and I are chain chomps. Direct us towards her to keep her from scoring. All clear?" Nods all around. "Then let's hustle!"

She went through all the applicants two-by-two. Within minutes, she realized she held no regrets about recruiting Amagi- she tore the field up, almost literally driving laps around some of the less talented brawlers. Others did better, managing to block her for a good while, and still others stopped her altogether. But by trial's end, there was no question who she'd be recruiting for her brawlers-

"Welcome back, Kirby, Meta," Kumatora shook both of the puffball's hands. "Glad to see you taking something seriously for a change. Here I thought you were just screwing around."

"Screw around? Us? Never!"

"Bring up those innocence halos of yours and I'll scrap them," Kumatora growled threateningly. "Just get in the stands already."

Next, she turned to Paula and Yukiko. "That goes for you two, too! I won't need any help with the others!"

Looking at the remaining applicants, she wondered what the best course of action. Glancing at the horizon, she saw the sun beginning to sink. Surely- _surely-_ Fassad couldn't be keeping Mario for that much longer? Might as well grab him another half hour or so...

"Alright, defense!" she announced. "No more tricks- we're running short on time! Pretty basic- one by one, I'll try to get ten shots past you! The one who does best gets the spot!"

This time around, she greeted each one on an individual basis. Eventually, she arrived at a swordsman dressed in green. "Aren't you that guy who's always hanging around Mario? Blinky Darren, or something like that?"

"Link Faron," the swordsman muttered, sounding somewhat disgruntled.

Kumatora narrowed her eyes. "You aren't planning on getting on the team just because Mario's been one of our MVPs for the past few years, are you?"

"No," Link shook his head firmly, meeting her glare with one of his own. "I _can_ do things independent of him, you know."

Kumatora smiled. "I like the cut of your gib. But _I'll_ be the judge of that, if you don't mind. To the goals..."

On a certain level, she actually thought it could be a good idea to bring in a team member who already had good chemistry with one of their current members, but by the trial's end, Link had only managed to come in third, letting two of her ten shots, and while the ones he'd managed to block had been truly spectacular, she was keeping to the rules. Thus, she turned to the only applicant who had managed a perfect score- a rough-looking girl decked out in armor. "Well, congratulations..."

"Sully, Sully Miller," the girl greeted her. "Yeah, I expected this, to be honest. I've got some ideas about the direction this team will be taking-"

"Well, that's all well and good, Sully," Kumatora raised an eyebrow, "but let's not go forgetting who the actual captain is, okay?"

"You're not planning on talking down to me, are you?" Sully narrowed her eyes.

"Only as much as necessary," Kumatora narrowed her eyes back. "If I have an idea on how you can play better, I'll go ahead and point it out. Any problems, chief?"

Sully scoffed. "I've been watching you play from the beginning- I can tell you right now that I'm the best player on this team- I'm going to make that Falcon guy from a couple years ago look like a noob!"

Kumatora's eyes had become slits by this point. "Okay, maybe you are a good player, maybe not- but you're definitely not the best on this team," she growled. "Consider yourself dismissed."

"What was that?"

"You heard me!" Kumatora raised her voice slightly. "We need to be a _team,_ here- no room for people who aren't- you know- team players. Either climb down off that high horse of yours, or get thee gone!"

For a moment, Sully stood there, fuming, and the next, she was gone, leaving Kumatora to rub her temples. "Alright, I guess that means the second place person gets it- looking at you, Mr..."

"Klavier Gavin," grinned a younger student- probably fourth or fifth year, with blond hair, a jacket in an interesting shade of red, and a stylized G hanging around his neck. "Achtung, baby! I've been hoping to join this team ever since I saw the incredible plays two years ago!"

Kumatora smiled- now this was more like it. "Glad to hear it- now, if you'll just join the rest of us over in the seats, then prepare to meet up with us at least twice a week..."

"What days?" he asked in that faint German accent of his.

"Hm?" Kumatora asked, raising an eyebrow.

"What days are we meeting up for practice?"

"Well, it depends on the week, really," Kumatora shrugged. "Coming up on matches, we're pretty likely to increase our practice time- is that a problem?"

Klavier Gavin bit his lip. "Hmm... you see, fraulein, I happen to be the leader of a band- the Gavinners- we played last year at the Festival. We meet up to practice as well, so you can easily imagine a scenario where the two might come into conflict..."

Kumatora sighed. "I need absolute devotion from all the team members. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to pick- Smash-Up or the band?"

"Hmm... it truly _has_ been my dream to join this team, you understand," Klavier spoke slowly, "however- I cannot turn my back on the other Gavinners. It pains me to say that, if I must choose, I choose them."

"Understandable," Kumatora nodded. "Well, then, good luck with your music."

"And you with the championship," Klavier nodded, grinning as he turned away and left after Sully. Kumatora blinked. There was a word for people like that... what was it... it was on the tip of her tongue... glimmerous... fop? Nah, that made no sense.

"Alright, well, that just leaves-" she turned to see Link already standing there. "Ah- Link Faron, right?" A nod. "Well... you _were_ third... you don't have any prior commitments, do you?"

"Only if being president of the homework-dodgers club counts," Link smiled.

"And you're not gonna try and take over the team while I'm not looking, are you?"

"Do I _look_ like Laxus Dreyer?" he asked, quickly scrubbing off the lightning bolt tattoo over his eye and discarding the longcoat previously perched precariously on his shoulders.

Kumatora glanced around. Well, he was the brother of the puffballs _and_ Midna, one of the most legendary Smash-Up players of all, and he _had_ placed third, so...

"Alright, you're in," she nodded, shaking his hand.

"Yeah!" Link cheered. "That's what I'm talking about!"

"Yeah, yeah, now go sit with the rest of the team," Kumatora waved him aside. "Time to figure out what to do about the seeker..."

Looking around, Mario was still nowhere to speak for himself. Sighing, she braced herself for the worst. "Alright, all applicants for the position of seeker- come on down."

XXXX

Twenty minutes later, Kumatora was pitch black, covered in soot, and completely bereft of hope for humanity. The seeker applicants were... pathetic, putting it nicely. She half-suspected that the majority of them had turned up purely for the prospect of beating Mario Mario at something, without checking whether they even knew which pedal did what. Seriously, the first person to try hit the reverse pedal and backed through the stadium, into the Flaaghra. _That_ hadn't been fun... explaining that to Samus... but at least that guy hadn't _missed_ the flipping _keyhole._ Seriously, it wasn't rocket science, just souped-up go-karts, for Wave Existence's sake!

And yet, the applicants were all looking hopeful as they awaited her decision. Really? Did any _one_ of them think they came even _close_ to outshining the best seeker on the team since Midna herself? Sighing and rubbing her temples yet again, she announced, "Okay, I've decided who the seeker will be- unfortunately, he's not here to claim the title right now, but the seeker will be... Mario Mario!"

There was an expected cry of outrage, and she could already hear words like 'favoritism,' 'buttering up the celebrity,' and even 'sexism' or 'internalized misogyny' being tossed around, but when she looked at her team, she could tell she'd suffer no ire from them- Paula and the puffballs knew their game well enough to tell that bringing Mario in was the only logical choice, and while Link and Yukiko might not know the game _quite_ as well, they still seemed pretty appalled at the ineptitude of this year's selection of candidates. "Alright, now that that's decided," she spoke to them, stretching as she did, "let's take our showers and head up to the hub- I'm sure the puffballs are already planning the celebration party."

"How did you know?!" said marshmallows gasped with false awe.

"You were breathing," Kumatora smirked.

XXXX

"So, all in all, not a bad turnout, huh?" Duster guessed as she met up with him and Lucas on the way back up to the mansion.

"It definitely could have gone worse," Kumatora nodded. "The worst part was the seekers..."

"Yeah," Lucas nodded. "You think that guy who blew up his kart will be okay?"

"Yeah, Nurse Tessie'll patch him right up," Kumatora nodded.

"Hey, listen," Duster spoke, lowering his voice slightly. "I... I need to talk to you about something."

"What is it?"

"It's- it's about Mario."

Kumatora blinked- and though she could already guess what he was talking about, she decided to play dumb. "What about him?"

"Well, Lucas and I know the guy, too, you know... and even us over at Hal could hear that outburst earlier this week- and... it's not like it's his fault that Fassad jerk gave him detention..."

"You started this sentence with a point?"

"Maybe you should apologize to him?"

Kumatora sighed heavily. "Yeah... maybe... maybe you're right."

Duster smirked. "What did you just say? Did you just agree with me?"

Kumatora scowled. "I can take it back, if you want."

"Nope, nope, it's on record now," Duster grinned brightly. "Lucas here is my witness!"

"You _did_ agree with him," Lucas offered a faint smile.

Kumatora relocated her face to her hands. "I hate you both."

"No you don't!" Duster teased.

XXXX

Kumatora was... nervous. She'd found herself on the _receiving_ end of several apologies before, but didn't tend to spend much time on the giving end. Even as the party went on around her, she was drinking her soda somewhat nervously. Come on, it was a simple apology, what was so difficult about it?

 _The only time you can look afraid is when it's all over._

 _But if it's over, there's nothing to be afraid of!_

 _Exactly._

"Good, great, awesome, outstanding, _amazing!_ "

"All I did was press A..."

Kumatora turned and spied Mario at the other end of the room, presumably just receiving the news from Link.

"It was a great trial!" Paula called over to Mario and Link, fast-dancing with her none-too-subtle boyfriend, Ness Levi. "He tore that other competition _up!_ "

Kumatora took a deep breath. Now or never. And yes, she was _fully_ aware of the irony that _this,_ of all things, was one of the most difficult things she'd ever done. "Well, that might be a _bit_ of an overstatement..."

 _XXXX_

This one's an idea I've had on my mind for a while- not something that's been burning at my fingertips as much as other things, but hey, it was there. Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy birthday- it really was. Thought I'd get this chapter out pretty early for my standards- a bit of a breather after the rather dark previous chapter. Hard telling when the next one will be up, but I'll try to be diligent about it- even if that _is_ one of the less important stats in Persona 4. In the meantime, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.


	15. The Robot and the Slider

Gamer4 in. Wow- just... wow. The weather out here can _not_ make up its mind- yesterday was boiling, today came in and put a coat of ice over everything. Well, that may be a _bit_ of an exaggeration, but you get what I'm saying. The gods really must be crazy... Anyways, onto the next chapter!

Disclaimer: Well, I know that you're in love with him, 'cause I saw you dancing in the gym! You both kicked off your shoes- man, I dig those rhythmy blues!

Chapter XIV

The Robot and the Slider

Mario almost had a panic attack when he awoke the next morning to see bright sunlight filtering in through the window- until he remembered it was Saturday. Giving a heaving sigh of relief, he collapsed back into bed, clapping his hands over his face. "Thank the _Wave Existence,_ " he muttered quietly. The previous week had to be the longest of his life. At least he could put those detentions behind him now...

As he got dressed, he noticed that all the other boys were still in bed- must have been a late night of partying. He relished in the quiet chirping of birds- he needed a bit of peace and quiet right now. Especially given that, despite his assurance towards Zelda, he fully intended to get a letter about these recent happenings to Roy ASAP.

And so it came to be that he made for his favorite chair by the fireplace, taking out a pen and paper, pulling the table in the middle closer to him, and... pausing, struggling to think how to communicate what was on his mind.

Honestly, he'd already forgiven Link and Zelda a while back- and felt a burning shame when he recalled his resentment towards them over the summer. Even so, however, it was only now that he truly realized the difficulty inherent in trying to encode a letter like the one he was trying to write- if he was too obvious in the information he was giving out, and in his queries for information he'd like to receive, he risked some serious consequences, both for the school and for Philanthropy. It was the most difficult letter he'd ever written, especially for the relative lack of text, but in the end, he hammered out a message something like this.

 _Dear Strider..._

 _I know it's only been a week, but I just had to write to you today- lots of stuff to talk about._

 _The most important thing is about our new Protection from the Evils teacher- goes by the name of Fassad Yokuba. He'd fit right in at your family reunions. Anyways, remember that thing that happened last year? The middle of summer? It happened again last night- at the same time Fassad was looking me over. I know correlation and causation are two different things, but I can't help but wonder..._

 _A bit of a tangent, but this week felt so awful that I sometimes feel like my left hand is missing. Any advice on what to do if you lose your left hand?_

 _Hope to hear from you soon,_

 _Mario._

Mario would readily admit he had trouble seeing things from others' point of view, but he did his best to step into the shoes of an outsider having intercepted this letter. As far as he could tell, there were enough inside references and 'you-had-to-be-there' moments to make it more incomprehensible than the average Gamer4 story- except in this instance, that was a _good_ thing.

Either way, he folded it up, enveloped it, (I am _shocked_ to see that that's an actual phrase,) and set out towards the aviary. He was only halfway there, however, when he was stopped by a passing Pit. "Oh, I wouldn't go that way if I were you, Mario," the Nintendo ghost cautioned, glancing behind him. "The Boo's down there- has a prank in mind involving that painting of the war between the red and blue bob-ombs."

"Let me guess," Mario muttered. "That person will find themselves suddenly sucked into the war between the reds and blues?"

"Yup," Pit nodded. "My guess is he's upset that he hasn't even been mentioned yet this story. I was just on my way to find the Sierra Shade- the Boo won't listen to anyone else."

Mario tilted his hat slightly and headed to another nearby painting, depicting a stone slide. Taking a stance, he sang out, "Blue skadoo, we can too!" before leaping through the painting, sliding down the slide, and coming out behind a tapestry several floors below him. Not the most efficient path to the aviary, but he didn't feel like getting drawn into a bob-omb battlefield today.

He was on the verge of setting off towards the aviary again when he felt a brush of fur past his leg. A check on the ground revealed something a little less welcome than Simba the Meowth- rather, it was Louise, the cat owned by Mido the caretaker, already dashing off to report to her loathsome boss. Mario's brow furrowed. "What? What did I do this time? I'm walking down the freaking hall!" Turning his back on her, he continued on his way towards the aviary.

By the time he got to the aviary, the sun was shining high in the sky. Which meant that most of the albatrosses were still asleep. A few had quite awoken yet, beginning to flutter around the aviary's insides, but they were definitely in the minority. Mario scanned around, searching for one albatross in particular, before sighing and crossing the aviary to where Parakarry was still asleep with his head beneath his wing. This chapter is absolutely devastating for ornithologists everywhere.

"Come on, Parakarry, get up, I've got a letter that needs delivering," Mario muttered in his albatross's direction. Parakarry twitched slightly, raising his wing enough to gaze out and see who was disturbing him, only to wave his wing in a 'five more minutes, mommy,' kind of way, and returning to his slumber. Mario, however, wasn't in the mood. "Wake the heck up!"

Parakarry seemed to be doing the bird equivalent of groaning- whatever that is- as he stretched out his wings and turned to face Mario, tilting his head in a 'Alright, alright, what is it?' fashion.

"Like I just said, I've got a letter for you," Mario repeated, crossing his arms and tapping his shoulder impatiently. "A letter addressed to... Strider, you know?" Lowering his voice to a whisper, "As in, Roy Strider?"

Parakarry gave a very avian nod as Mario tied the letter off. "Alright, then- see you soon."

Parakarry gave a reassuring twitch of his head before taking off into the great blue yonder. Mario followed him with his gaze, watching as he took off over the Lost Woods at the edge of the grounds... where he saw it. Floating over the forest, a dark ball of sorts, surrounded by a black aura, hazy in the bright morning sun. He stared- this was his first sighting of these creatures since his conversation with Melia on his first night back, and he was just as chilled now as he was then. Melia claimed they'd been here all along, but if that was the case, how could he have never seen them before?

"Oh- Mario!"

Mario leapt about a hundred feet in the air in shock- or maybe less than a single foot, whatever, it _felt_ like a hundred. He spun around to see Pauline Dama standing in the doorway, clutching a package in her hands. "Oh... hi... hi, Pauline," he greeted her, struggling to refrain from massaging his chest. "Fancy seeing... you... here..." His brain started kicking the inside of his skull. _Seriously? Of all the cliche lines you could have used?_

"Yeah, well, it's my Mom's birthday," Pauline shrugged, holding up the package. "I... I just remembered, actually- snuck out to Kurain last night to get this for her."

Mario processed all the responses he could give to this anecdote- none of them seemed particularly fitting, so he remained silent as Pauline beckoned down another albatross and gave it the details of her delivery. As it took off, she turned and looked back at Mario. "So, how's the Nintendo Smash-Up team doing?"

Mario perked up- a question he could actually respond to! "Well, from what I hear, Kumatora is really reforming the team- one new member on our offense, a new person on our defense, and all..."

"Oh, really?" Pauline's eyes widened slightly. "Who's the new blood?"

"Oh- uh, Yukiko Amagi and Link Faron. Know them?"

"I've heard of Yukiko Amagi," Pauline's eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "Hard to get the boys in my class to shut up about her, actually... as for Link- he's Mr. Xeno, right?"

"He can be something of a 'Stop-Having-Fun' guy, yeah," Mario shrugged offhandedly. "'No items, Fox only, Final Destination' and all that, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," Pauline laughed lightly- it was music to Mario's ears. "So, they any good?"

"Wish I could tell you," Mario spoke honestly. "I was busy in... detention with that Fassad guy."

A chill seemed to overcome Pauline. For a moment, Mario's heart was on the verge of failing, thinking the chill was directed at _him,_ but then- "He's terrible. That Fassad winnicott. You stand up for Donkey Kong- tell the truth about what happened to him- and he throws you in detention for it. You were brave back there- you really were."

And suddenly, Mario was walking on sunshine. Screw Fassad, screw Tabuu, even screw the balls of dark gas- who gave two smegs about any of them, when Pauline Dama was right here, telling him he'd been brave?

"BOY!"

Mario blinked- huh, that wasn't supposed to happen. What was John Smith doing at the Smash Mansion?

However, when he turned to the source of the noise, it was to find, not John Smith, but Mido the caretaker, gazing furiously around the room. "And there you are!" he shouted when his eyes found the trademark red clothing of his target. "Just where he said you'd be! But I'm on to your game- where is it?!"

"Where's... where's what?" Mario asked, genuinely confused.

"Don't play dumb with me!" Mido glared. "We both know that you're up here to send out an order for ultra bitter spray!"

"Ultra whatty what what?" Mario raised a single eyebrow. "Never even heard of that."

"It's a sort of drug," Pauline explained. "Not something that you'd hear about in most parts of the smasher world. Do too much, and it'll start turning body parts to stone."

"Which is why it's such a controlled substance- in the world outside _and_ at this mansion!" Mido snarled. "Cough it up- where's your order?"

"Okay, first off, it doesn't exist," Mario spoke firmly. "Yeah, I'm sending a letter, but it's not for some drug that I've never even heard of. Who the heck told you that I'm a junky?"

"Calling him a liar, huh?" Mido narrowed his eyes. "Well, we can resolve this nice and quickly- hand over the letter you're sending, and we'll see just how the great Mario Mario likes to spend his off-time."

"Look, as much as I'd love to have this mysterious George Orwell of yours, I can't. Love to, but can't. I already sent it out."

Mido glowered. "And how do I know you're not lying?"

"Because I saw him send it," Pauline piped up, glaring at Mido. "Just as I was getting up here."

Mido opened and closed his mouth for a few moments, before turning and stomping off. Just before he was out of earshot, he turned back one last time. "You're off the hook for now, Mario, but remember- I'm watching you. Always watching..."

And with that, he was gone. Mario removed his hat and mopped his brow before returning it. "Thanks for... for sticking up for me," he nodded gratefully to Pauline.

"No trouble," Pauline smiled. "Just one thing, though- you _weren't_ ordering that stuff, right?"

"Of course not," Mario shook his head. "Don't do drugs- don't smoke, don't vape, haven't even touched liquor since that New Year's Eve party a few years back- you know, the shoehorn incident."

"I've heard of it," Pauline shrugged.

"Why do you ask? Worried about me?" Mario allowed a slight smirk to cross his face.

"No, it's just that I'd look pretty stupid, vouching that you'd never touch a drug, then you turn up to class one day with both your arms turned to stone," Pauline pointed out.

"Nah, like I said, never even heard about that stuff until today."

"Then what made Mido so sure that you're shooting up with the stuff?"

"Well, you know him," Mario pointed out. "Hears that a student's doing something wrong, latches onto it until they're... er... _suitably punished..._ though that still leaves the question of who even mentioned the idea around him."

"It's a mystery," Pauline nodded. "Well, it's been fun, but... I've got to go back to the hub. See you around, Mario."

Mario jumped- for a moment, he'd forgotten it was Pauline he was talking to. All the joking around about drugs, slamming of Mido, and delving into a new mystery had put him somewhat into the mindset that he was speaking to Link and Zelda. "Of- of course," he stuttered slightly. "See- see you 'round."

Pauline smiled one last time, then headed off down the hall.

As Mario eventually mounted the stairs and headed back to his own hub, he replayed the conversation several times in his head. To his delight, no matter how deeply he micro-analyzed the whole thing, he didn't detect a single hint of ire towards him from Pauline. No anger about him surviving where Donkey Kong hadn't- in fact, she'd _praised_ him for trying to preserve the ape's legacy- for trying to tell the truth about his death. He'd read enough books and overheard enough soap operas to know he was particularly lucky for that- she could just as easily hate him just for breathing, but no... she'd called him brave...

XXXX

"You look like you're walking on sunshine," Link noted as Mario approached him and Zelda in the Dining Hall.

"So it's been noted," Mario agreed, glancing up at the narration from a page or two earlier. "Yup, I'm feelin' pretty good today. What with... er... making it back onto the Smash-Up team."

"I'm surprised you landed the spot without even showing up," Zelda noted, munching on a slice of bacon.

"I'm not," Link snorted. "Seriously, you should have _seen_ some of the idiots who turned up, thinking they'd steal your spot. Kumatora was _fuming_ by the end of it. Speaking of which," he added, betraying a trace of fear, "I _really_ don't want to disappoint her today, Mario- mind meeting up with me in the stadium later today, giving me a bit of one-on-one practice before the others get there?"

"Sounds like a plan," Mario nodded. Truth be told, he was _extremely_ eager to get behind the wheel of a kart again- any excuse that got him into his Wild Wing sooner was a good one in his book.

"Are you sure?" Zelda asked, crossing her arms at them. "I mean, think about all that homework you have-"

Link cringed at exactly the same moment that a flock of albatrosses appeared in the Hall, dropping mail down onto the expecting populace. Zelda in particular was interrupted as her daily edition of the _Fourside Tribune_ was dropped into her milk.

"What's the buzz?" Link asked, eyeing the paper with full regard as his last hope to distract Zelda from the topic of homework.

"Just a second, let me do some scanning," Zelda raised a hand for silence, allowing them to continue their breakfast as she speed-read through the issue. Eventually, she finally got their attention- by panicking. " _Crap!_ "

"What? What is it?" Mario and Link both spun to face her.

"Strider!" she gasped- prompting return gasps from them. "Listen- _The Government has received information from a very..._ reliable _source that Roy Alluvia,_ long list of crimes he didn't actually commit, _is hiding in this very country!_ "

"Last we heard, they thought he was off- _planet_ ," Link furrowed his brow in concern.

"Ghirahim- it must be," Mario crossed his arms. "So he _did_ recognize Strider back at Setac..." He was on the verge of turning mournfully back to his cereal when another article caught his eye. "Wait a second..."

"What now?" Link asked worriedly.

"The paper- look here!"

 _The latest trial in the ongoing scandal involving the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing's headmaster, Matthew 'Master Hand' Hand, involves that of one of his toadies- actually of a species called the toads- vs. the state._

 _The toad, given the creative name of 'Toad,' was discovered within the depths of the government offices, attempting to break through the door barring the SCP Foundation from the rest of the building. Toad refused to speak in his own defense, and was subsequently sentenced to five months in prison- 'One month for each spot on his head,' said Ms. Green, the judge of the trial who also drew the connection between the toad and the Master Hand._

"On what evidence?!" Link snarled angrily.

"Well, Toad _is_ part of Philanthropy," Mario pointed out.

"Yeah, but they're just repeating her guess like it's gospel, without even bothering to question whether what she said had any truth backing it up!" Link raged.

"We're getting dangerously close to _that_ topic again," Zelda muttered.

"Yeah, I think I've got something to steer us elsewhere," Mario volunteered. "What in the name of the Wave Existence entering a pogo competition with Chuck Norris was Toad _doing_ at the government offices, let alone trying to break into this... foundation place? What, you think he was doing something for the Hand?"

"That's definitely a possibility," Link nodded.

"No, it's not!" Zelda snapped her fingers, coming to a sudden realization. "Look at the date he got caught- the night before we all got on the Great Fox! And he was supposed to be part of the escort- don't you remember Simon complaining about him being absent?"

"That's right," Mario nodded. "Then again... maybe it was a risky job, and Simon just hadn't gotten the memo about him being caught yet?"

"Doesn't seem like him," Link shook his head. "He'd look at the fact he was doing a dangerous job, he'd see that Toad wasn't around, he'd put two and two together as only he can... he'd just have assumed the worst right off. My bones tell me there's something else going on here..."

*DING!*

"What was that?" Zelda wondered, looking around.

"Probably his bones," Mario muttered.

"No, it's my idea bulb!" Link pointed to the light bulb that had suddenly appeared, fully lit, above his head. "I just got a theory!"

"Is that a grammatically correct sentence?" Zelda wondered skeptically.

"Doesn't matter!" Link shook his head. "Listen, maybe Philanthropy had nothing to do with it! The government probably suspected Toad of being in with the Hand already, but they had no real reason to capture him and interrogate him. So they... I don't know, they lured him to the offices somehow, lured him down to that door so they had an excuse to arrest him- then they keep it quiet for a week while they question him, and once they realize he's just not gonna talk, they throw him away in Subspace!"

Mario looked skeptical, and Link could tell. Rubbing the back of his neck, he shrugged. "Well, it's just a theory." Putting on a freakishly large grin, he added, "A GAME THEORY!"

"No, we're not doing that," Mario shook his head. "What do you think, Zelda?"

"It's a decent show," Zelda shrugged.

"Not about MatPat," Mario sighed exasperatedly. "About his theory."

"I'm ashamed to say it, but it honestly wouldn't surprise me that much," Zelda sighed hopelessly. "The government _does_ seem to be tearing all the pages from the Orwellian Playbook (TM) lately..."

XXXX

And, upon that particularly ominous pronouncement, a transition stepped in to hopefully move things towards a brighter era of peace, prosperity, and Smash-Up. Link was dashing excitedly around the arena, smitten by the thought of actually participating in the sport, rather than just spectating. Meanwhile, Mario was throwing a nervous gaze back at the Lost Woods, wondering if those strange orbs would appear again. However, as long as they remained there, Mario doing all he could to get the ball past Link, keeping one eye out all the time, he didn't spy them again. As far as Link went, he was much as Kumatora had described- pretty good, but with definite room for improvement. Eventually, they headed back to the mansion for a quick dinner, then immediately headed back to the stadium for an actual training session- as in, with the rest of the team this time.

The team gathered around their karts in the center of the stadium. Kirby and Meta donned identical evil smirks when they noticed Link standing there. "You know what, Kirb?"

"What is it, Meta?"

"I've always thought our team had something of a missing link."

And so came the collective groan from the rest of the team- except for Yukiko Amagi, who simply looked confused. "Missing... Link... as in, Link, the new defense... who was missing before..." Slowly, a look of comprehension came over her face... and she burst into wild, uncontrollable laughter. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"Cool your jets, Yukiko, it wasn't that funny," Paula gave the laughing girl an aside glance.

"Or really funny at all," Link grumbled. "Freaking marshmallows..."

That last only seemed to make Yukiko laugh even harder. "Marshmallows- because they're- because they're pink- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"Yeah, a friend of hers came to me today," Kumatora recalled. "Chie Satonaka- Hal. She said to be careful with the jokes around her, you two." Here, she directed a glare at the puffballs. "Get her started laughing, and she won't stop easily- she's a two-legged hyena."

"TWO-LEGGED... HYENA!" Yukiko, at this point, was bent over almost double, gripping her sides tightly and shaking with mirth.

Kumatora facepalmed. "Okay, then... Kirby, Meta, go get the balls, would you kindly? Maybe she'll have calmed down by the time you get back."

"Aye, sir!" Kirby and Meta saluted, trotting off arm-in-arm.

As they sat around, waiting for the twins to return, Yukiko slowly- finally- finished laughing off their earlier jests. Eventually, they returned, with oddly grim looks on their faces. "What's up, you two?" Kumatora raised an eyebrow. "Something up with the balls?"

"No, just some... uninvited guests," the twins explained, throwing sideways glares at the stands. Mario followed their gazes- and his heart sank. Just as he'd feared, it seemed Sierra couldn't let the first Nintendo practice session of the year pass without comment- especially with two new members to mock mercilessly.

"Looks like that Faron dog's got himself a new kart!" came Bowser's voice above all, chuckling as he looked down on Link. "Well, I say 'new'- of course, it _was_ new, back when Marco Polo was still driving it around!"

"Surprisingly deep for him," Mario snarked, patting Link on the shoulder. "Don't feel bad, Link- I doubt he actually knows who Marco Polo is."

"Now, _that's_ the Mario I know," Kumatora nodded with a grin. "Alright, let's warm up, people. Need to shake the rust off of the old hands, and break in our new ones."

"Hey, Jones, do you ever get tired of paying for new hair dye and still having it come out looking like a wet mop?" came the call of Maria Sheikah. Kumatora casually stretched, flipping said Sierra the bird as she climbed into her kart.

"So, just to get us started, let's play a bit of hot potato. Meta, the ball, if you please."

Meta Knight nodded, picking the Smash-Up ball out of the crate, spinning it around on one finger, and ultimately spin-kicking it right towards Kumatora, who snatched it out of the air with relative ease. "Over-the-top as ever, I see," she nodded. "That's good, that's good- over to you!"

She winged the ball over at Yukiko, who Mario had dismissed as not paying attention- she seemed fascinated with a passing cloud- only for her to suddenly perk up and _just_ manage to catch the ball before it broke her nose. "Alright, pass it on!" Kumatora called. "Hurry up- that ball's on fire, you don't want to hold it for too long!"

"It burns!" Yukiko gave a false cry of pain- Mario could tell it was false by her grin- as she tossed it at Kirby, who caught it as deftly as Mario would have expected before tossing it to Paula, who decided it was about time to get their seeker involved. Mario managed a fairly easy catch, lightly tossing it to Link who... fumbled and dropped it on the ground. Mario closed his eyes, praying that the twins wouldn't say anything. Miraculously, they didn't- he could see them mentally facepalming, but for once, they managed to keep it to themselves, for which he was already planning on hugging them both later on.

Kumatora opted to pretend as though nothing had happened. "Come on, pass it on- that ball's melting your hands as we speak!"

Link nodded, tossing the ball over to Kirby, and continuing the cycle. Things continued much as one would expect, until eventually it came time for Mario to pitch and Link to catch once more. This time, Link didn't even raise his hands- the ball beaned him in the back of the head, sending his face into his steering wheel.

"Oh, come on, Link!" Kumatora crossed her arms to communicate her lack of amusement. "It's kind of critical for you to pay attention here, you know?"

It would have been bad enough on its own, but Sierra laughing and hooting in the background just made everything much, _much_ worse.

Take three, in which Link _finally_ caught the stupid ball, and proceeded to throw it- right into Yukiko Amagi's nose at what had to be 90 miles an hour.

"Dangit, Link!" Kumatora growled. "Save the attacks on kart-drivers for the other team, why don't ya?!"

Kirby and Meta, meanwhile, were already attending to Yukiko. "Dang, this looks bad. You feeling alright there, Yuki?"

"I think I'm built to dish out hits, not take them," Yukiko spoke, sounding very much dazed.

"Kuma, it might be best if we called it for now," Meta called back to their captain. "We should really take her up to Nurse Tessie for this one."

Kumatora didn't look happy about it, but acceded nonetheless. "Alright, everyone, turn in. Link, we will have a _very_ firm discussion about this later, quite possibly with a white-hot cattle prod."

Link recoiled, but nodded nonetheless as the team dispersed.

XXXX

And so it came to be that Mario and Link were both hanging their heads as they presented Rosalina with the latest password, gaining them access to the hub, where Zelda awaited them. "So, how'd it go?" she asked, glancing up from where she was tapping out an essay.

"Up crap creek without a paddle... _or_ a boat," Link muttered, plopping himself down in an armchair.

"I see," Zelda glanced up, producing a look of empathy for him. "Well, I'm sure it's okay- I'm guessing even Mario had-"

"Oh, so _I'm_ the one who smegged it all up, huh?" Link growled.

"Well, that's not what I-"

"Let me guess- you knew from the beginning that it was a mistake for Kumatora to take me, right?"

"I wasn't going to-"

"Well, you know what? I've got homework to do. Leave me alone." With that, Link stomped upstairs to grab his laptop.

"Isn't his laptop in hammerspace?" Zelda raised her eyebrows.

"Leave him be," Mario waved his hand. "He spent the whole session being crapped all over by the Sierras."

There seemed to be an impenetrable barrier between Mario, Link, and the end of their homework that night. Try as they might, they just couldn't seem to make any headway. Sometimes, Mario would hammer out a few paragraphs, only to realize they were complete gibberish with no relation to what the topic of the essay actually _was,_ and had to go back and try again.

The sun was beginning to sink as Zelda finally put down her latest attempts at poetry and came over to glance over their work. "Astrology, huh?"

"Yeah, that's what Lucario's got us doing," Link agreed half-heartedly.

"Well, in that case, you should know that _Venus_ is the only other celestial body bright enough to cast light on earth," Zelda corrected him on one point. "Similarly, Venus isn't the bringer of war- that's Mars."

"Well, good for flipping Mars," Link grumbled. "I guess I have to start the whole thing over from scratch, now."

"No, it's not that bad, actuall-"

"Look, Zelda, I know that constructive criticism is supposed to be a good thing and all, but-"

"Link-"

"I know it's well established that I'm supposed to be just some comedy relief character, but-"

" _Link!_ " Zelda raised her voice, forcibly grabbing the swordsman's head and turning it towards the window. "Isn't that Flurrie?"

"Flurrie?" Link glanced around before finally seeing the large, female albatross. "Flurrie! What's Rob got to say?"

He opened the window, allowing her in, and taking the letter she'd brought. Like her master, she had no tolerance for nonsense- once she was certain he had the letter, she took off without further adieu.

Link examined the envelope closely. "Why wouldn't it come with the other mail?" he wondered. Mario shrugged.

"Read it, maybe it says," Zelda suggested.

Link cleared his throat, and read out, his nose crinkling in disgust more and more the further he got...

 _Dear Link,_

 _Our good President, Mr. Andrew Ryan, has just taken it upon himself to personally inform me of your promotion through the ranks of the Smash Mansion- to become a prefect. My joy circuits were nearly overloaded at the news, and I simply had to write to you, for many purposes._

 _To begin with, of course, you must be congratulated- you have already achieved more than Kirby and Meta Knight could ever hope to. Truly, it is about time that you finally joined the ranks of those wishing to uphold the rules, rather than finding new and creative ways to turn your back upon them._

 _In addition, however, I have some advice to offer you, hence the lateness of the hour at which this letter should find you- I do not wish for my voice to be heard by... the wrong people. For example, Mario Mario._

 _We both knew this topic had to come up within the foreseeable future. From what Mr. Ryan told me, you still count yourself as quite close to Mr. Mario. A prime reason for my writing to you today is to warn you against continuing to sully your hands in Mario's affairs. I am sure the Master Hand is attempting to brainwash you, along with many of your fellow students, into believing that Mario is some sort of Messiah, that his word is gospel, but a quick glance through tomorrow's issue of the Fourside Tribune ought to reveal a somewhat less biased, more factual view of Mario and his actions._

 _Indeed, as you are probably aware, Mario was brought in to trial at the government offices not too long ago, and was released purely on the courtroom antics of a senile hand and a heavily biased judge. Plenty of those that I speak to even now remain convinced that the trial shows Mario has long since turned his back on the realm of the sane._

 _Perhaps, then, it is no longer bonds of friendship that hold you back to Mario Mario. Perhaps you fear retribution should you turn your back on his web of lies. If this is the case, you need look no further than Fassad Yokuba, the newest Protection from the Evils teacher, a truly wonderful man who brings truth to places corrupted and tainted by prejudice. A simple query in his direction should be enough to set you on the correct path._

 _The winds at the Smash Mansion are changing, brother, make no mistake. The Master Hand's actions are finally being called into question, and the outlook for him at the government is not exactly favorable. Perhaps it is unsurprising, based on the attitude I have personally observed from the staff of the Smash Mansion, but it is nonetheless regrettable that Fassad's voice of truth has so far gone largely unheard. However, as the Tribune should inform you tomorrow, he will soon strike out against the heart of darkness in the mansion with newfound strength- and it is my belief that those loyal to him will be rewarded._

 _I wish I could have seen more of you over the summer- particularly after your reception of the good news- however, though it pains me to say it, I can no longer abide to stand in the presence of our parents, not when they align themselves so frivolously with the arcane cult that the Master Hand constructs around him. Witnessing the arrest of Toad, and the shady history of others, such as Kamek and Bayonetta, I am glad that I so narrowly avoided being tarred by their brush._

 _As my final thoughts, congratulations on becoming prefect, and beware of Mario Mario._

 _Rob._

Mario had rarely felt more hollow than he did at that moment. Even hearing the old, familiar teapot whistle was only a slight comfort. He glanced at Link, who had only barely managed to choke out those last few paragraphs, and was still turning redder and redder as Mario and Zelda watched. Glancing at her, Mario whispered, "This isn't going to be pretty."

Zelda was on the point of agreeing when Link finally burst. "THAT FREAKING MORON! I KNEW HE WAS ALWAYS BENT ON SUCKING ON THE TEAT OF WHOEVER HE THINKS IS MOST IN CHARGE AT THE TIME, BUT COME ON- I THOUGHT THERE WAS A LIMIT TO HOW FAR EVEN THAT ASSHAT'S HEAD COULD GO UP HIS OWN ANAL CAVITY! THAT SWINE! THAT FILTH! THAT SON OF A MOTHERLESS GOAT! THAT-"

Mario tuned out Link's ranting to focus on his own thoughts. He'd known, of course, that the government was bent on making him and the Master Hand look like a liar, but this letter probably hit closer to home than anything else that year. Yes, Diddy had gotten angry at him, but the whole thing was so personal for him- what with his favorite cousin having been Tabuu's victim and all- that Mario was honestly not that surprised in retrospect that he was reacting more emotionally than anything else. Rob, however... he'd never been the best of friends with him, more like a brother- the one brother that nobody really liked and just made family reunions really awkward. Even so, hearing that- seeing that Rob genuinely believed those things about him- somehow, it was much more devastating than even Fassad's prolonged torture sessions.

"-WITH A MAPLE-SYRUP SOAKED TRAMPOLINE!" Link finally concluded his rage quit, before collapsing into his chair and throwing the crumpled up letter into the fire. "Ah, well, back to work, I guess..."

He was on the point of opening his laptop when he caught Zelda's eye- she was gazing at him closely. "What is it? I got a pimple or something?"

Zelda sighed. "Look, hand over your laptop, and just this once, I'll wrap up your essay. _Just this once,"_ she added severely at Link's look of joy. "I'm in the business of solving riddles, not helping people cheat their way through school."

"Well, I'll appreciate it all the same," Link sighed, collapsing back into his chair out of sheer relief.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Zelda waved him aside. "You too, Mario- unless you want to do it yourself."

Mario was still pretty out of it as he handed his laptop over to her, too. She placed one on the table next to her, and began plowing her way through Link's essay with the speed of Steve McQueen on crack.

Mario sighed, shaking his head as he stood and crossed the room to the sink, filling it up and splashing some water over his face. He was staring into the water, ripples breaking and reflecting the light, when suddenly, he saw...

"And as for you, Mario," Zelda muttered, turning over to him, "you did pretty well, except- something up?"

"Ah, same old, same old. Getting persecuted right and left, smegging up my homework, seeing Strider's head in the sink."

"In the sink?" Zelda asked, standing and approaching. "You're kidding, right? I know he did something like that last year, but it would be much too dangerous to- _Roy!_ "

"Ah, come on, is that any way to greet your old buddy?" asked the grinning face in the sink.

Sure enough, the water Mario had just poured had molded itself into the visage of Roy Alluvia, much as it had the previous year.

"Glad to catch you before you headed to bed," he spoke quietly, glancing around to make sure they were alone. "Normally, I wouldn't have taken the risk- but today, I figured it was worth it. Mario had a ton of really good questions in that letter of his, more than I could answer in a letter even if there wasn't a risk of it being intercepted. So, here I am!"

"Wait, you wrote him a letter?" Link asked, looking curious, as Zelda crossed her arms and pursed her lips.

"When exactly were you planning on letting _us_ know?"

"I forgot," Mario explained quickly. For once, this was 100% true- he hadn't been keeping secrets that he thought might be taboo by her- the day had been so eventful that, by the time he'd had a real chance to tell them, it had been swept from his mind. "Look, don't give me that look, okay? I was careful- kept everything nice and vague. Unless... unless I smegged up, Roy?"

"Nah, nah, you were a master of allusion," Roy nodded. " _A_ llusion, not _I_ llusion. You'd definitely have to already be in Philanthropy to know what he was talking about. Now, we need to talk quick- Gordon only guaranteed me ten minutes or so. Most important thing first- your scar."

"Your scar? What's up with-" Link began, only for Mario to wave him aside.

"Later, we're strapped for time," he spoke quickly.

"Look, I understand why you're worried, but I don't think it's anything to be concerned about," Roy fired off. "According to the Master Hand, it goes off when Tabuu's angry, right?"

"So goes his theory," Mario agreed. "And I _guess_ it would make sense that it's getting stronger now that he is, too... so you don't think it had anything to do with Fassad?"

"Probably not," Roy agreed. "I only know the guy by reputation, but he doesn't seem to be in with the starmen."

"He's evil enough to be one," Mario stood firm.

"Yeah, but the starmen don't have a monopoly on evil," Roy shrugged.

"That's what I said," Zelda muttered.

"I'm just saying that he doesn't seem to be working with Tabuu- not that he's anywhere close to a saint. You want the goods on Fassad? Just turn your attention to Fox."

"Fox? What about him?" Mario asked.

"Well, he doesn't know her personally, either, but he's behind quite a bit of legislation and campaigning that got Fox kicked out of a few jobs in favor of applicants that fit more quotas," Roy recalled. "He's cunning- he manages to spin prejudiced laws in such a way that they don't sound prejudiced on paper, until you read between the lines a bit..."

Mario recalled his earlier thoughts that Fox seemed even worse off lately than usual. Man, just when he thought he couldn't hate Fassad any more...

"So he hates werecreatures?" Zelda asked, fury entering her voice.

"Hates anything he thinks is stronger than himself- or, at least, that's the picture I always got," Roy shrugged. "Werecreatures, gorons, ancients- anything that looks human, but isn't. Led a crusade against the taguel a few years back- so you can guess that Panne loves him even more than Fox..."

"Who's Panne again?" Mario asked.

"Oh, you didn't see her?" Roy asked, raising his eyebrows. "She's-"

"We were talking about Fassad," Zelda crossed her arms and steered the conversation back to its rails.

"Oh, right," Roy nodded. "So, what's he doing in his lessons? Teaching you all the dangers of dealing with non-human smashers?"

"Actually, it would almost be better if he was," Mario muttered. "At least we'd be learning _something._ "

"Yeah, all we do is read a bunch of drivel from that book he assigned," Link agreed.

"Well, looks like I owe Fox four rupees," Roy sighed heavily. "He was guessing that would be the case. According to our sources in the government, Andrew Ryan's doing everything he can to keep you from being trained in combat."

"Com- what the smeg?" Mario asked, truly taken aback. "What, he thinks we're forming a new world order here?"

"Something like that," Roy agreed. "He thinks the Master Hand is plotting to use the students from the Smash Mansion to infiltrate the government and overthrow them. It's not long now until they try to get the Master Hand in court the same way they got Mario."

Mario was growing increasingly uncomfortable. Trying to lighten the mood, he asked, "So, what about the other hand? Any news about Crazy?"

"Well, about that... sugarcoated or non?"

"Non, every time," Mario crossed his arms.

"Well, he was supposed to be back by now, that much is true... but the Master Hand says there's no reason to worry!" Roy quickly added. "Ammy got back a while ago, said that Crazy would be a while longer, but not to worry too much- they split up over a disagreement- who knows what about- and whatever it was might slow him down a bit."

Seeing that they still didn't seem to feel much better, Roy changed the topic again. "So, when's your next trip to Kurain? I figured I might take a walk down there- or let someone else walk me, if you know what I'm sayin-"

"NO!" came three voices at once.

"Roy- the Tribune... the Tribune-"

"Yeah, I know all about the Tribune," Roy nodded. "Not just being sarcastic- I actually know what you're talking about. No need to worry- they're just taking jabs in the dark."

"They narrowed it down to this country, when before, they had the wrong flipping _galaxy,_ " Mario pointed out. "We're sure of it- Ghirahim's on to your disguise, if he sees you again..."

"Okay, okay... I get it. I just thought a get-together would be fun..."

"It would be," Mario assured him. "Seriously, I'd _love_ to see you in person again. What I don't want is to see those freaks of nature get their tentacles on you again!"

Roy eyed him for a moment. "Maybe Uli was right," he spoke slowly. "Maybe I _did_ get you confused with Jake. That kind of risk would have sealed the deal for him, not broken it."

Mario sighed, rubbing his eyes. "Roy..."

"Look, I've got to go," Roy glanced behind him. "Keep an eye on the sink, okay? If I ever plan on appearing again, I'll try to let you know ahead of time, but I know you don't want to take the risk..."

Before Mario could point out how little sense that made, the plug in the sink opened it up, and the water drained away, taking Roy's face with it.

 _XXXX_

Because you guys care so overwhelmingly much, I happened to be playing _Illusion of Gaia_ alongside the writing of this chapter. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing whatsoever. Anyways, we're drawing steadily closer and closer to that one thing that I'm sure everyone's been looking forward to- I know I have. Hope to get there within the next couple of weeks- until then, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	16. A Tyrant takes the Helm

Gamer4 in. Wow... long break. Sorry about this one, guys- I've been away from my computer in general for a while now. Between getting sick, getting surgery, recovering from surgery, getting sick again, loads of family business, working, once again, towards getting a job, and a case of writer's block cured but three seconds before I came in to write this, I've been short on time to do much of anything, let alone write. Okay, enough excuses- let's get started once more!

Disclaimer: I was a lonely teenage bronkin' buck, with a pink carnation and a pickup truck, but I knew I was out of luck the day the music died!

Chapter XV

A Tyrant Takes the Helm

Rob's letter had been pretty vague about what, exactly, they could expect from the Fourside Tribune that morning- they'd expected locating the item he'd described would be an arduous task taking up most of the morning. However, it wasn't so- no sooner had Zelda unrolled the paper than she'd done a spit take all over the front page. "WHAT THE CRAP?!"

"What is it?" Mario asked quickly, looking over. "Holy Wave Existence- Proton Jon finally updated Superman 64!"

"Not that!" Zelda shook her head furiously, drawing his attention away from the relatively small article to the large, pages-spanning article headed by a picture of Fassad Yokuba, giving that crud-eating laugh even as he continued munching on a banana. "That!"

 **PRESIDENT RYAN PLACES HIS 'THIRD EYE' AMONGST THE SMASH MANSION**

"I don't like the sound of this," Mario muttered darkly. "Alright, Zelda, what's it say?"

 _With rumors over the summer that standards of teaching have been declining at the Super Smash Bros. School of Smashing, it was only natural that our government would step in to ensure our children receive the education they deserve._

' _It being the current year, there are standards to which the students must be held, and the government has grown concerned that, as it stands, the school is incapable of raising them to those standards,' quoth Rob Faron, President Ryan's personal assistant, thus obviously unbiased source._

 _Of course, the government using its influence to dictate how the school should be run is becoming increasingly precedented recently- only a month ago, the government passed a law allowing the president to personally choose a teacher for any given position that the school finds itself, for any reason, unable to fill._

" _The first teacher appointed under this law was Mr. Fassad Yokuba," Rob explained during his interview. "His status as the President's secretary, of course, offers him the perfect credentials to teach Protection from the Evils, which he has proceeded to do with an incredible amount of finesse.'_

At which point Zelda was forced to raise her voice to keep the article heard over Link's returning teapot whistle.

' _Unfortunately,' Rob went on to say, 'Mr. Yokuba's reports from inside the school's structure do not signal a favorable outlook upon its future. During a correspondence between Mr. Yokuba and Mr. Ryan, therefore, it was decided Mr. Yokuba would need some additional power to truly combat the rising tide of inadequacy at the mansion. Thusly, Mr. Yokuba will have the ability to operate more openly, investigating his fellow teachers to ensure they rise to governmental standards, and petition for new laws from the President himself as he sees fit.'_

 _To ensure that this initiative had the full support of the students' parents, this paper turned to the richest- er, least biased- source they could find- Mr. Ghirahim Dragmire._

' _Indeed, I am remarkably comfortable with this initiative,' Ghirahim spoke- well, we think that's what he said, it was hard to hear over the clanking of gold coins. 'Now that he is finally being treated to fair, objective evaluation by our government's standards, perhaps he will finally figure out where the line is, and at least attempt to stick to it.'_

 _Indeed, the Master Hand, headmaster of the Super Smash Bros., is known for his bizarre, often controversial decisions, including hiring werecreatures and half-ancients for jobs that others were clearly more qualified for._

 _Not all governmental officials are keen on this initiative, however. In response to its passing, no less than fifteen members of the high court have resigned their positions in protest, including such notable names as Emmeryn Mercer and Greg Chelmey._

" _I've noted before that criminals become so blinded by their motivation that they lose sight of that damage they do,' quoth Chelmey, when asked. 'Above all, this incident has made it clear to me that criminals are not the only blind ones.'_

 _Of course, whether the testimony of a suspected member of the infamous Bionis-Babahlese smuggling ring can truly be trusted..."_

The article went on for quite a while longer, but we're sure you've had enough, so we'll cut it off there.

By the time they were finished, Zelda's brow was furrowed, Link's face was red, steam pouring out his ears, and Mario's hat was casting his face in shadow, head lowered onto his chest, arms crossed, finger tapping his shoulder.

"Well, that answers one question, at least," he muttered, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "How Fassad could possibly have gotten this job. President Ryan passed that law and forced the smegger on us."

"This... that... that son of a..." Link was growling, still struggling to keep his anger in.

"I know," Zelda nodded, touching his shoulder gently. "Believe me, I know."

Abruptly, however, all the red drained out of Link's face, he took a deep breath, and grinned. "What's gotten into you?" Mario asked, bringing his face out of the shadows so his raised eyebrow could be visible.

"I just realized... this means we're gonna get to see a battle of Fassad vs. Samus!" Link's grin widened. "Oh, I can't wait to see that!"

Zelda blinked, and allowed a small smile to cross her face as well. "Something to look forward to, then," she shrugged. "Come on- we don't want to be late to Andonuts' class, especially if Fassad decides that's the first class he'll be inspecting..."

Fortunately, however, whoever Fassad was turning his sights on first, it wasn't Professor Andonuts. Why fortunately? Because not five minutes had passed before Mario and Link were slumbering on each others' shoulders.

Fassad also was absent for the long-awaited power-ups class, where Wolf opened up by returning the class's homework to them. Mario was all ready to cringe when his plume of dusk essay landed in front of them, and wasn't disappointed- a quick glance at the front was enough to show he'd earned a stone rank on it.

"Judging by the quality of your work," Wolf growled as he marched up to the front of the class, "the majority of you are too stupid to recognize the grading system being applied here. What you are looking at is the grade your paper would have received, had it been presented to an ALBATROSS test proctor. This is the year of no punches being pulled- I may have been kind to some of you in the past, but no longer. I fully expect this class to rise above the standards set here, or I will not hesitate to administer detentions to those who think a stone rank is acceptable."

Bowser chortled. "Well, I'm not sayin' I got a pure platinum or anythin', but homey, I'd sure love to meet the moron who got a _stone_!"

Mario glanced behind him to see Zelda struggling to get a good look at his paper, whereupon he had no hesitation about crumpling it up in his fist and burning it to ashes. Smeg if he was going to let Zelda see how badly he'd done on this essay.

That lesson had them working on chuckoccinos, a special blend of coffee capable of making one's skin so thick that spikes couldn't penetrate it. Desperate to raise his plummeting GPA in this class, Mario threw all the concentration he had into analyzing every word of Wolf's instructions, ultimately coming out with a power-up not _quite_ as close to Wolf's description as Zelda was, which, in fairness, he'd expected, but it at least smelled like coffee, which was more than could be said for Luigi's, which smelled like a vanilla milkshake, or Wario's, which smelled like old shoe, so it was with a reasonable amount of confidence that he threw some of his bean juice into a beaker and delivered it unto their teacher.

"Alright, classes are starting to get easier now, aren't they, now that we're shaking the rust off?" Zelda asked of her comrades as they left the basement and began climbing up to the Dining Hall for lunch. "And as far as the homework goes- gold is definitely nothing to sneeze at, considering how obscure plumes of dusk actually _are._ "

Mario was steadily developing his poker face, and managed to keep it steady as Zelda continued. Link, however, was looking increasingly uncomfortable. Zelda pressed on. "I mean, of course, Pure Platinum would have been brilliant, but gold is definitely a good start on this-"

Link sat down and slammed his face into the table, leaving a print there that would remain for years to come, developing legends amongst future generations that the ghost of the face-print-leaver still haunted the table to that very day. "Love of Farore, Zelda, if you wanna know how bad I did, all you gotta do is ask!"

Zelda blinked. "Well, if you _want_ to-"

"Bronze! There you go- I got a bronze rank! Just about as bad as I could have!"

"Hey, don't sell yourself short there, broski!" squeaked Kirby, as he and Meta approached the three from behind. "Bronze is a great way to start off the year of ALBATROSS!"

"True," Zelda agreed. "I mean, it's the highest failing grade there is..."

Link growled slightly, but Meta intervened. "Yeah, definitely doing better than stone, there, bro- yours is still a metal!"

"Bronze, stone, gold," Zelda mused, oblivious to Mario throwing his face into his hat's shadow again, this time to hide how red it was. "So, the best is platinum-"

" _Pure_ platinum, if we're being exact," Meta corrected. "Platinum is second-best."

"But that's just confusing!" Zelda objected, her eyes wide.

"Hey, we ain't the ones who devised the grading system!" Kirby pointed out.

Zelda's brow furrowed, but she continued nonetheless. "Okay, so, then, after that, there's gold-"

"There you go," the twins nodded.

"-and Silver is the lowest you can get and still pass, right?"

"Yuppers," Kirby nodded. "For failing, the highest you can get is bronze-"

"Huzzah!" Link cheered.

"And stone is about the worst you can do," Kirby nodded.

"Well, not quite," Meta interjected. "There _is_ one rank lower..."

"Lower than stone?" Zelda's eyes widened. "Where could they go from stone?"

"Coal," the twins shrugged.

As ever with those two, it was difficult to tell if they were being serious or not. Nevertheless, Mario was unable to keep a truly terrifying image out of his head- the image of himself, at the end of this year, struggling to keep it secret from Zelda that he'd gotten 'coal' in every ALBATROSS test. Well, there was his motivation to do well this year- _smeg_ if he'd let that future come true!

XXXX

*A-CHOO!*

"You alright there, Lucina?" Robin asked.

"Yeah- I've got the feeling they're talking about me over at Nintendo, though." Lucina swung her head over to the Nintendo table, then turned her attention back to Robin. "But don't think you're getting out of this that easily. I won't allow that to happen."

"I... I understand," Robin looked down. "You really want it to happen, don't you?"

"Please forgive me, Robin," Lucina shook her head, drawing her sword.

Robin said nothing, quickly glancing around as if looking for an escape rout. "Stay where you are!" Lucina brandished her sword. "You have no choice. I have to keep the timeline intact."

"Stupid timeline," Robin grumbled. "I still don't believe you about this future of yours- you just want to humiliate me."

"The timeline must be kept intact!"

"Fine, fine!" Robin raised her hands as he stepped up onto a chair, clearing her throat. "A-hem... I am the very model of a modern major general! I've information animal, vegetable and mineral, I know the exalts of Ylisse, I quote the fights historical, from Southtown field to Grima's back in order categorical!"*

XXXX

"So, spill it," Kirby changed the subject abruptly. "Any y'all had 'The President's Third Eye' watching one of your lessons yet?"

"Not as of yet," Mario shook his head, eagerly jumping on the change of topic. "You?"

"Yup- just comin' down from one," Meta nodded. "Not as bad as you'd think, to be honest."

"Yeah, Fassad was just in the back taking notes, asked ol' Pikachu a couple of questions, then was on his way," Kirby concurred.

"So, Pikachu was the first to get his head on the chopping block, huh?" Zelda crossed her arms.

"Ah, no need to worry about him," Kirby and Meta waved her concern aside. "I doubt even Fassad could find anything about him to complain about."

"So, who you got for the rest of the day?" Meta asked.

"Lucario and Fassad," Mario recalled.

"Wait, how's Fassad inspecting all these classes _and_ still teaching his?" Link asked, eyebrows raised.

"Well, it's not like we need much supervision just to read the flipping book," Zelda pointed out.

"True, true," Kirby nodded in sync with his brother. "Anyways... if that's the case, Mario, you'd best keep your temper under your hat during that class. Wave Existence knows what Kumatora'll do if you miss out on the first week of real Smash-Up practice."

Remembering Kumatora's previous reaction, Mario shuddered and nodded his agreement.

However, as it turned out, Mario saw Fassad earlier than expected that day- no sooner had he and Link taken their seats in the mansion's attic than Link let out a discontented grunt, nudging Mario and tilting his head towards the nearby window.

Soon, everyone in the class had their eyes on him, but Fassad's eyes remained fixed on their target, much as a cat's eyes remained fixed on its prey. Lucario, giving a slight shudder under Fassad's fixed gaze, twitched slightly as Fassad finally spoke in that hateful, hateful voice of his.

"Good to meet you, Mr. Lucario," he spoke. "From the looks of things, you received your note regarding the date of your inquisition?"

"NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" burst out another voice in the class, causing a stir as everyone glanced around, attempting to see who'd said it. They never found him, as Duster Osohe's cheeks, being only one pixel big, hid his blush very well.

Finally, Fassad turned his attention back to Lucario, who was very visibly trembling by now. _Of... of course I did..._

"Glad to hear it, nwehe," Fassad nodded, taking a seat of his own, producing a notepad and a pen in the shape of a banana. "Please, go on- I'm not even here."

Lucario nodded and hesitantly rose in front of the class. _Very well... today, we are continuing our work into dream interpretation. A very simple task today- explain your most recent dreams to your partner and use Mr. Samten's text to interpret them. As you were..._

Mario raised two things- an eyebrow and a hand. Lucario was over in no time. _Something wrong, my boy?_

"Is there something wrong, Mr. Lucario?" Mario asked, attaching the honorific for the first time in... ever. "You're pretty nervous for not actually knowing this guy..."

 _My boy... I look into his soul... and I see a monster as well as a man. Head low, continue your work... we're being watched..._

With that, the pokemon floated off, leaving Mario and Link to stare at each other. "So... on that note..." Link spoke tentatively, "... whatcha been dreamin' 'bout?"

Mario panicked slightly. "Um... umm... umm... I dreamed I was being chased through Black Mesa by mummified jelly beans!"**

"Aaaaallrighty then," Link nodded in a 'sure, why not' kind of way. "So, we add your age to the date of the dream in question...and the subject... what's the subject of this dream? Chasing? Jelly beans? Mummies?"

"Does it really matter?" Mario asked, keeping one eye fixed on Fassad as he rose to his feet and began to walk among the students.

"And you had this dream... when?"

"Last night, I guess," Mario shrugged, making sure to keep Fassad in his peripheral vision.

"Now, then," Fassad spoke up, producing another banana to munch on as he approached Lucario. "How long have you been in this position, exactly?"

Lucario was shaking like a leaf now. _S...s...sixteen years, aside from a brief sabattical four years ago._

"I see," Fassad nodded. "And... the Master Hand hired you personally?"

 _He did._

"Are you at all related to the late Mewtwo, who previously died while performing this very job?"

 _He was something like a third or fourth cousin of mine,_ Lucario shrugged.

"Do you feel a great loss at his death?"

 _Honestly, no- I only met him on one or two occasions, one of which was to ask him to cover for my sabbatical,_ Lucario recalled, floating one inch back for every step forward Fassad took.

"I see," Fassad scribbled something down.

 _I... er... I suppose this is relevant to the inspection?_

"No, no, just a personal interest of mine, nwehe," Fassad waved aside. "Well, that about wraps everything up, unless... hmm, yes, why not- just for funsies! Nwehehehehe... would you kindly make a prediction for me?"

Lucario blinked. _Come again?_

"A prophecy," Fassad repeated. "As I leave, I find myself very concerned about what the future holds for me- would you kindly elaborate?"

Lucario made a semi-audible gulp. _Full-fledged prophecies, you understand, do not come at the whim of the psychic,_ he thought slowly. _A true, full prophecy will come only when it sees fit to do so..._

"I see," Fassad nodded, touching the top of his remarkably middle-eastern looking hat. "How disappointing..."

 _But!_ Lucario thought quickly. _That is- that is not to say that I can see nothing! It is not as specific as it could be, but I do see something lurking in your future! Something that will come to pass soon! Mr. Yokuba- Mr. Yokuba, I am afraid to inform you that you are in grave danger!_

Fassad blinked. "I see. I will take it under advisement."

Another touch of his grossly-stereotypical hat, and down the ladder he went, back to the main mansion, leaving Lucario, shaking more than ever, to collapse into his chair.

XXXX

"It wasn't a very good prophecy, I mean," Link spoke as they climbed down that ladder themselves, one period later. "I mean, I could have told you that much, and I definitely don't have any psychic powers."

"Right," Mario agreed, "but still... the way he was bullying him... I don't know."

Mario was disgusted to find Fassad alternating between humming a cheery tune and bursting into that hateful laugh of his when he, Link, and Zelda entered into the Protection from the Evils classroom. Mario left it to Link to explain everything to Zelda, which he was on the verge of doing when Fassad nwe'd another he, and ordered the class to continue reading _Protection from the Evils- a Non-Problematic Approach._

"There will be no need to talk," he smirked, repeating himself from the previous week.

"No need to _think_ is more like it," Zelda muttered darkly, just quiet enough to keep Fassad from hearing.

Mario wearily opened up his book and, once again, began slogging through the intellectual wasteland that was Anita Sarkeesian's work... until, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Zelda with her hand up in the air once again.

Fassad looked up and spied this as well. However, seemingly having learned his lesson from the previous week, he did not attempt to ignore her. Instead, he rose from behind his desk and crossed the room until he was directly in front of her, bent down, and spoke in a whisper so quiet, even Mario and Link, right next to her, had to strain to hear. "You have a question, Ms. Hyrule?"

"I finished today's required reading," Zelda explained her dilemma, obviously sharing none of Fassad's inclination to keep her voice down.

"Oh, have you?" Fassad seemed somewhat skeptical. "Well, in that case, you may proceed further into the book."

"I can't," Zelda shook her head. "I've already finished it."

Mario smirked when he spied Fassad's jaw dropping, but the latter recovered quickly, straightening his back and whispering, "Very well, then, Ms. Hyrule. If you are so familiar with Ms. Sarkeesian's work, perhaps you would like to tell me her thoughts on Linkle?"

"Chapter Six, Page seventy-three," Zelda recited without missing a beat. "'Linkle is just another example of male privilege in gaming. When a request for a female version of Link met Nintendo's ears, they responded with a fangirl in a spin-off video game for the 3DS, rather than reworking one of the mainstream Legend of Zelda titles, and every difference between her and series mainstay Link is a painful reminder that he is the 'true' hero of the story.'"

Fassad blinked, glancing at the book- nope, still closed, she hadn't been reading from it. Zelda cleared her throat. "Which, may I say, is a load of bubkiss."

Fassad seemed to freeze slightly, crossing his arms and looking genuinely annoyed for once. "And what makes you say that, Ms. Hyrule?"

"To begin with, the majority of the playable characters in the Hyrule Warriors games are female to begin with- and all portrayed exactly as Sarkeesian has been demanding all along," Zelda started. Mario stared at her- apparently, she'd even done her research into the authors of her schoolbooks. "Linkle is not intended as a female version of Link, merely another character with all her own personal quirks- which, in this case, happens to be being a rabid fan of Link himself. Besides, when the majority of gamers play a game, they are focusing on the graphics, gameplay style, story, and a multitude of other things, but very rarely the gender of the player character. To imply that female gamers _need_ such a connection with their avatar to begin with to understand their story and struggles simply paints them as vastly shallow individuals, which I personally find more offensive than any game that happens to have a male protagonist."

"Is that so?" Fassad asked, his voice raising.

"It is," Zelda nodded. "Is there a problem with my reasoning?"

"The problem is this," Fassad spoke, his voice coming to a hiss. "Your opinion on these matters is irrelevant. No matter how much you may disagree with Ms. Sarkeesian, it is her voice that is relevant to this class- not _yours._ "

"But isn't the point of learning to be exposed to multiple different points of-"

"ENOUGH!" Fassad cried. A deep breath or two later, he forced a smile. "Five points from Nintendo."

Mario smashed the cover of his book with a fist. "What the flip for?!"

"Mario..." Zelda muttered warningly.

"For Ms. Hyrule's interruption of my class with words of harassment and abuse towards Ms. Sarkeesian," Fassad rattled off immediately.

"Harassment?!" Mario bellowed, enraged. "She disagreed with her! If you want harassment, think back to what you were doing to Lucario, _that_ was hara-"

"My behavior towards Lucario is not for you to judge, Mario Mario!" Fassad's eyes narrowed. "Perhaps that idiot of a pokemon should have stayed on that sabbatical ad infinitum, instead of coming back and relieving Mewtwo of his-"

"Oh, yeah, Mewtwo would have made a much better teacher," Mario nodded, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Adept at interpreting dreams, master of the planets, mindless slave to Tabuu..."

Silence fell. Fassad and Mario seemed to be engaged in a rather intense staredown. Finally, Fassad spoke. "That's another week of detention, Mario."

XXXX

Mario could still feel the pain of those puppets the next day as he made his way down to breakfast. He hadn't thought the pain of his eardrums bursting, or his head exploding, or drowning in oil could get any more intense... but they had. Even so, that wasn't the worst part of the punishment- no, the worst part, as the twin puffballs had warned him, was Kumatora's reaction. Her top had so thoroughly blown that morning that Samus came down to see what was going on. "Ms. Jones, what seems to be the problem? Some of us are trying to enjoy our morning, you know."

"Ms. Aran, this idiot seeker of mine has landed himself in detention for the second week in a row!" Kumatora snarled.

"Detention?" Samus's eyes widened before returning to normal. Raising a hand to her face, she sighed, "Don't tell me, Mario... it was-"

"Fassad Yokuba, yes," Mario nodded, desperate to get this conversation overwith as fast as possible.

Samus stared at him, and this time, she seemed to be shooting death rays from her eyes. "Mario, I am doing everything I can to impress upon you the consequences of attempting to single-handedly take Fassad Yokuba on. I don't know what he has you doing in detention, but clearly, the message isn't being imparted quickly enough. Five points from Nintendo."

"What for?!" Mario objected.

"In the desperate hope that we don't find your body at the bottom of Lake Delfino by the end of this year," Samus crossed her arms, before turning and making her way back up to the staff table.

"Great, just great," Mario grumbled. "Five points taken away for having to watch those torture videos every night. Fan-tegging-smastic."

"Well, I'm sure if you told her what he was really doing in those detentions," Zelda spoke up, "maybe she'd-"

"For the last time, I'm not telling her!" Mario barked.

That morning's encounter hung over him like a dark cloud throughout their first class, only breaking when he entered the classroom for Transformation and spied Fassad sitting in the corner. Link smirked. "Well, time for the show, buddy," he patted Mario on the back. "Time to see Fassad get his."

Eventually, Samus appeared in the doorway and immediately headed to the white-board, not acknowledging Fassad's presence with so much as a blink. "Order in the classroom," she said, and immediately, silence fell. "Alright, one week on, let's see if we can't improve on those vanishing caps of ours."

"Ms. Aran?" Diddy Kong asked, raising a paw in the air. "Wouldn't this technically be a power-up?"

"You'd be surprised how often the academic fields of power-ups and transformation intertwine," Samus shrugged. "Alright, Levi- if you'd collect everyone's homework and get it to my desk. Ordona, I'd like you to return everyone's hats to them-"

"Nwe-hem," came that hateful laugh. Samus didn't miss a beat ignoring him, continuing to direct her students around towards their first task. Mario looked at the essay he'd been handed back and breathed a sigh of relief- silver rank. Not fantastic, but he'd take just about anything at this point.

"Alright, let's get to it," Samus clapped her hands together. Eyes narrowing, she added, "And no, Mr. Levi, your hat is not a sock. Stop treating it as such." Ness blushed as he returned his hat to his desk. "Now, while very few of you managed to complete your vanishing caps last week, what you _did_ succeed in, as well as the homework you've handed in to me, indicates you have a general idea of what you're doing. That in mind-"

"Nwe-hem!"

Samus closed her eyes. When they opened, they were raised towards the heavens in a 'Wave Existence, give me strength' kind of way. "Do you have a problem, Mr. Yokuba?"

"I just wanted to ensure that you received my notice regarding the date of your inqui-"

"Of course I did. Believe me, you'd know if I hadn't- namely, when I asked you if you were lost. Mind if I get back to my lesson now? No? Good."

And so it came to be that, ignoring the looks of sheer joy on many a student's face, Samus returned to her attempts at teaching. Why 'attempts?' Well... "Now, as I was saying, now that you have a general idea of-"

"Nwe-hem!"

"You know," Samus sighed, turning towards him, "the thought occurs that, for you to get a good idea of my teaching methods, I need to actually get around to some teaching, which is somewhat difficult when people keep interrupting me. I assure you, were you a student, you'd have lost several points for your group by now."

Fassad's jaw dropped once more. Soon enough, that banana pen was flying across his clipboard.

Swiftly, Mario became aware of Link using his shoulder to disguise his laughter. Mario gently pushed him away. "And she gets on me about losing my tempter with that guy," he muttered, but it was in good humor- in his mind, five lost points and a week's worth of torture sessions was a bargain for being reminded in this manner just who he'd gotten his straight-man mannerisms from.

Fassad remained seated throughout the lesson- perhaps he'd realized that bullying Samus wouldn't be nearly so easy as bullying Lucario- simply taking notes and refraining from speaking up again. By the end of the class, Mario's vanishing cap had managed to make his hand disappear, definitely a plus from last week, where it was limited to a single fingernail. Link, meanwhile, attempted to startle Mario by leering at him with a vanished head. Mario, unamused, wrenched the cap off his friend and tossed it into the bin that was going around at lesson's end.

Mario was on the point of leaving when Link nudged him roughly, indicating the classroom's front, where Fassad was approaching Samus.

"So, you've held this position... how long, exactly?"

"Forty years and counting," Samus responded briskly. "Before you ask, yes, I look young for my age- what can I say? I was raised by the chozo."

"Chozo, hmm?" Fassad raised an eyebrow as he made a few swift notes on his pad. "Alright, then- I'll be sure to get your results back to you within ten days!"

"Beat still, my heart," Samus muttered. "Move along, you three!" she added, turning her head towards where Mario, Link, and Zelda were listening in. Mario couldn't help giving her a small thumbs-up, and was shocked when she threw a wink right back at him.

Mario's scenario for the rest of the day had entailed not seeing Fassad again until he turned up for detention, but a wrench was thrown into that when they approached Crazy's cabin for Smashing Creatures, only to find Fassad in discussion with Kjelle. "Now, you're only filling in for the usual teacher, is that correct?" Fassad was asking.

"That is correct," Kjelle nodded, only looking at Fassad out of the corner of her eyes. "The Crazy Hand is the usual teacher, but he was unavailable, so here I am."

Mario narrowed his eyes as he spied Bowser, Ganondorf, and Wario whispering together in their football huddle. Wave Existence knew what horror stories about Crazy they'd spill to Fassad...

"I see," Fassad nodded. "Now, the Master Hand seems reluctant to offer details on the subject, but he wouldn't happen to have told _you_ where Crazy is, would he?"

Kjelle didn't miss a beat with her answer. "Nope. Here's what I know- I got a letter from the Hand, asking to meet him over in Kurain. Met up with him at the bar, he told me Crazy would be absent for a few months, asked if I'd like some work during that time. I said yes, he double-checked to make sure Gamer4 was getting my personality right this time, and the deal, as they say, was sealed. Honestly, I'm looking at getting a full-time position here at some point in the future- someone needs to teach the next generation about the wonders of armor."

"Armor?" Fassad blinked. "Never mind... I'll leave the rest of the class to you."

Mario stared- he knew, just _knew,_ that Kjelle was lying about not knowing where Crazy was. Presumably, the Master Hand had sworn her to secrecy, and she was putting on a good show of ignorance, but he'd been in this business long enough to tell a truth-teller from a liar. He was guessing Fassad suspected Kjelle's falsehood as well, but wasn't willing to press any further without evidence.

Fassad adopted a new strategy this time around- instead of badgering the teacher, he walked amongst the students, asking them some basic subject-related questions, which the majority of students were able to answer promptly and correctly. Mario's heart warmed a bit- most of the knowledge requested came from things the Hand had covered, rather than Kjelle- at least they weren't letting the hand down.

"So, all that said," Fassad finally wrapped things up with one last assault on Kjelle, "you are likely in the best position to offer an unbiased viewpoint... how do _you_ find the Smash Mansion?"

"It's fantastic," Kjelle smiled warmly. "Working here is everything I imagined it would be. No major complaints at all."

"I see." Scratching banana-pen. "In that case, pre-supposing that Crazy does not return, what do you plan for this class?"

"I don't see any reason to go beyond the basics of what you'd expect from ALBATROSS tests," Kjelle mused. "Got started on rapidashes last year, I hear Crazy wrapped it up and showed them whatevers... probably a few more non-sentient pokemon, thinking of touching on gastlies at some point, the difference between gnosis and telethia... that sort of thing."

"I see," Fassad repeated. "Well, glad to see that someone here has a good head on their shoulders."

Mario didn't like those words, and the look on Kjelle's face once Fassad's back was turned indicated she didn't care much for it either. Fassad, however, was busy- turning towards Wario. "Now, the word on the wind tells me that there have been injuries in this class?"

Mario's heart turned to ice, even more so when Bowser inevitably spoke up. "Yup, that was me, dawg. The Hand sicced that psycho of a loftwing on me hard."

"What a load of bull!" Mario burst. "Crazy didn't sic _jack!_ Bowser just thought it would be a good idea to do exactly what Crazy repeatedly told all of us _not_ to do!"

Link and Zelda were already wincing by the time Fassad turned to him, poisonous smile in place. "And with that, Mr. Mario, you have another detention under your belt. Good day," he added, touching his hat towards Kjelle.

"Good day," Kjelle responded, her eyes narrowed until Fassad was a blur at the top of the hill.

XXXX

Fassad kept Mario later than ever that night- it was leaning towards 2 or 3 o'clock by the time Mario was finally permitted to look away from the happy box and quickly make his way upstairs. He was glad to see Link and Zelda waiting for him, particularly when Zelda pushed a pair of pills into his hand. "What's this?" he asked curiously.

"A little concoction I was working on over the weekend," she smiled. "Take a shroom shake, leave it out overnight, throw in some raw eggs and vinegar, load it all into a capsule, and you've got the makings of a good healing power-up. Based on what Link's told me, this should help with the happy box's aftereffects."

Mario gratefully poured himself some water from the sink and tossed the pills into the back of his throat. Almost immediately, his head, which had previously felt as though it was being repeatedly whacked with a sledgehammer, ceased to hurt, his once-blurry vision came into sharper focus, and he could tell, looking in the mirror, that his ears had stopped bleeding.

"I still say you should take this to the Master Hand- or to Samus, at least," Link spoke up.

"Not gonna happen," Mario shook his head wearily as he sat down and began stroking Simba, who immediately leapt up onto his lap.

"Look, if Samus knew-"

"She wouldn't be able to do anything anyways," Mario interrupted. "Not without Fassad getting another law passed saying that any teacher complaining about her gets fired immediately."

Link looked down, seeing the logic in his words. Zelda was clenching and unclenching her fists. "This guy... this guy is terrible. Evil. Link and I were talking, and we agreed- we've got to do something."

"I said you should break that happy box over his head in your next detention, but Zelda thought that might not be the most productive route available," Link smiled at his friend.

"Because it's not," Zelda shook her head. "Even if we somehow got rid of Fassad, the government would probably just send someone worse."

"They have someone worse?" Mario raised an eyebrow.

"Well, at least, someone who'll do just as much damage," Zelda corrected herself. "We need to focus on the real problem here, and as big a smeghead as he undoubtedly is, we've already been putting up with Wolf for four years. No, the real problem here is that we're not learning anything- at this rate, like Saria and Ness were saying, the first time we actually get any practice with defense will be during the ALBATROSSes."

"Well, not much we can do about that," Link shrugged. "He's got the job, and the government's set on making sure he keeps it."

"Fassad's crossed a line," Zelda shook her head. "I'm starting to think we've reached a point, here- a point that all we can do is turn our back on the class altogether. Instead of learning from him, I think all that's left for us to do is to... well, do it ourselves."

"That's very specific, thanks for not being mysterious at all," Mario snarked.

"Learn Protection from the Evils ourselves," Zelda clarified.

"Do extra work, you mean?" Link sighed heavily. "For crying out loud, you still do all your homework like you've still got that flipping ocarina tucked away somewhere, but as for me n' Mario, we're lagging behind as is without-"

"Link," Zelda interrupted, "I know this will sound strange coming from me, but there are more important things than schoolwork."

Link stared at her. "Well, where did you get an absurd idea like that from?"

"From him!" Zelda pointed towards Mario. "He said it all last week, in our first lesson- we need to be ready for what's waiting out there! It would be important normally, but it's about a hundred times more important considering what happened in June! Do you realize what easy pickings we'd be for the starmen if we just didn't learn any self-defense for a whole year?!"

"And what, exactly, can we do on our own?" Link countered. "I mean, we could look a few things up in the library, but that's honestly not much better than-"

"You're right there," Zelda interrupted, lowering her voice and beckoning the others closer. "Learning things out of books isn't enough to cut it anymore. What we really need is a guide- someone who can show us how to do it, correct us if we smeg up- we need a teacher. Not like Fassad, a real teacher, a proper teacher."

"And who, exactly, do you have in mind?" Mario crossed his arms, still tickling Simba's nose with the tip of his finger. "The first name that comes to _my_ mind is Fox, but of course-"

"He's unavailable," Zelda agreed. "He's got enough on his plate with Philanthropy, and the only time he'd be able to meet us is during trips to Kurain, which isn't a _tenth_ as often as we need."

"I'm bracing myself for the punchline, here," Mario raised his eyebrow. "Who, then, are you talking about?"

Zelda turned to him, the light that had formed SOYLENT gleaming in her eyes. "There's only one person who fits every qualification we need- he's sitting in that chair, scratching Simba behind the ears."

Silence, as it seemed prone to doing lately, fell. Mario stared at her, then at Link. Back to Zelda. Back to Link. As he continued petting Simba. Backwards. The thing that disconcerted him most was that Link didn't seem exasperated, but contemplative. "You know... that might not be a half-bad idea."

"Not a half-bad idea?" Mario asked, with enough exasperation for him and Link. "Okay, guys, I get it. Very funny. Joke's over."

"Who said it was a joke?" Zelda asked. "After all, you're obviously the best at the subject in our year, if not in the entire school."

"You kidding me?" Mario asked, staring at her. "I barely scrape by, if anyone's the best, it's gotta be you."

"I'd like to think that," Zelda smiled somewhat wanly. "But not true- the one year we both sat our tests and had a teacher that wasn't Dedede, you beat me. Narrow margin, granted, still... you beat me. But even aside from academic achievement- Mario, look what you've done!"

"What I've done?"

"Weren't you shouting it at us a few chapters ago?" Link pointed out. "Do we need to recount it again? Alright, fire up the continuity train, Zelda- here we go! Year one, you take on Mewtwo, backed up by the Great Darkness, and snatch the Hylian Stone out of his grasp- almost literally."

"Through dumb luck, yeah," Mario objected.

"Year two, you take down a Giga Koopa _and_ the memory of George Locke..."

"Because Wright and Jon turned up at the last second!"

"Year three, you save Strider _and_ Epona, and wrap everything up by fighting off a little over nine thousand floows at once..."

"Thanks to Zelda and the ocarina of time!"

"And not six months ago, you took on the Great Darkness himself- and won!"

"Listen!" Mario shouted, lowering his voice when they recoiled slightly. "Listen- it sounds great and all when you say it like that, but you're making it out like I was more skilled than I actually was. The only reason I got out of those situations was through dumb luck, not because I actually planned ahead and had the slightest idea what I was doing! I just did what seemed best at the time, and through dumb luck, had a shield protecting me from Tabuu, or had a ghost deliver a sword, or my hat didn't want to fight Tabuu's oval- battery- eye- thing! AND IF YOU KEEP LAUGHING, THIS WHOLE MANSION'S GOING UP IN SMOKE TONIGHT!"

He'd been getting increasingly frustrated at the smirks growing on his friend's faces, but he snapped at hearing them actually beginning to chortle. He slammed his fists into the arms of the chair, leaping to his feet, scaring Simba off behind a nearby dresser.

"You seem to have this idea in your head that you can practice a few moves in the classroom, get a good grade in class, and all of a sudden, you're ready to take on the Great Darkness? _Wrong!_ This isn't some stupid examination or assessment! We're talking real world, life and death being one second apart, and you're carrying a lump of flesh that used to be your best friend over your shoulder because that psycho just zapped him with his wings! No one's ever taught us that in class, no one _could_ teach us that in class! And you're sitting there like you know so much better, cheering on the brave, heroic pyromancer who succeeded where the stupid, hairy ape failed-"

"Is that what this is about?" Link asked. "We weren't trying to make fun of DK, we know that's a sore spot with you-"

"For good reason!" Mario burst. "Between people saying _I_ killed him, or that he tripped over his own flipping shoelaces- he _died_ for me! He died trying to protect me from that freak of nature, and now for you to sit here and say, 'ah, well, it's his fault for not knowing enough?!'"

Zelda, moving towards the verge of tears, spoke up. "That's not it, Mario! We know Donkey Kong was a great smasher, we weren't trying to say otherwise! It's just- you're right, we don't have a _clue_ what it's like to be in a situation like that! But that's why we need to know! We _need_ to know what it's like to be there, to be fighting T... Ta... Tabuu..."

Barring flubs on Gamer4's part, this was the first time Mario had heard Zelda refer to Tabuu by name- it threw him off so much he collapsed back into the chair, finally noticing the scratches in his leg where Simba had taken off from. He stared at her, his mouth open.

Zelda recovered, wiping her eyes quickly, before facing him head-on. "Please... just think about it. Just consider it... please."

Mario, still dumbstruck, nodded. Zelda rose to her feet, grunting slightly. "Well... thank you. I'm off to bed before one of you gets another brilliant idea to get us killed- or worse, expelled."

She smiled, a smile that overflowed into Mario and Link, giving a light chuckle at the memory. With that, Zelda was gone.

"Well, I think I'll turn in, to," Link nodded. "Coming?"

"Give me a minute or two," Mario spoke gently, already feeling his throat scratch up from his yelling earlier. Link shrugged and ascended the stairs to the dorm, leaving Mario staring into the hub's fire, turning over everything that had happened in the past couple of days. He got to bed much later than he'd have liked, and when he woke up the next morning, it was to a scar keen on letting him know that danger was still afoot.

 _XXXX_

*This may or may not come back in a few chapters.

**Inspired by a dream of mine the other night. Do not compete with me in the 'strangest-dream' contest. You will lose.

Alright, finally wrapping this up after _far_ too long. That said, the next chapter is going to get us started on _that_ portion of the book. You know the one. I've been looking forward to this one for a while. Hoping to get it up before another month-and-a-half pass, but I won't make any promises- that would be a way to guarantee it won't be up before 2017. In the meantime, please R&R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	17. Prelude to a Conspiracy

Gamer4 in, coming in to write after finally- _finally-_ 100%ing Donkey Kong Country, Tropical Freeze. Geez, you want a good example of hardcore difficulty in platforming, look no further... anyways, really excited for this chapter, so let's dive right in!

Disclaimer: I started singin': Bye, bye, Ms. American Pie! Drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry! Them good ol' boys were drinking whisky and rye, singin' 'This'll be the day that I die... this'll be the day that I die...'

Chapter XVI

Prelude to a Conspiracy

To Mario's intense relief, the next couple weeks actually brightened up quite a bit- literally and figuratively. As he walked on the bright, sunny lawn surrounding the mansion, he was able to reflect on finally being free from Fassad's detentions, albeit with the catch that he wasn't certain he'd ever fully recover from them, Link had participated in four more Smash-Up practices, earning a small amount of praise from Kumatora during the last one, he was doing well in just about all his school subjects, except for ones he didn't care about, (i.e., Protection from the Evils, History of Smashing, etc.,) and Zelda had yet to bring up her absurd idea again. Well, to be honest, he was somewhat ambivalent about that last.

Despite his sheer exasperation at the idea initially, it seemed to have taken root in his subconcious. He'd gone to bed at first, considering it just another of Zelda's wacky schemes that was liable to bring nothing but trouble, and he still thought of it as such sometimes. But then there were the times that he caught himself considering all his narrow escapes in the past, considering the skills he'd used in addition to his stupid luck to swing by, wondering if it might, indeed, be better for a small, select few to hear about that than continue reading from that ridiculous book...

Nevertheless, he found he simply wasn't brave enough to initiate conversation about it himself- instead, he found himself quietly waiting for Zelda to inevitably bring it up again.

And so it came to be that he felt a leap in his stomach, both of nerves and excitement, when Zelda spoke up as she, Link, and Mario were gathered around the fire in the hub, doing their homework. "So, Mario, have you given Protection from the Evils any thought?"

As mentioned, Mario's heart leapt. Despite waiting for her to bring it up all week, he suddenly found that he wasn't quite ready to have this discussion. Evasively, he shrugged, "I've been trying not to, considering how asinine these classes have been..."

"You know that's not what I mean, Mario," Zelda spoke sharply. "I'm talking about that idea Link and I suggested the other night."

"That _you_ suggested the other night," Link fired back, his expression clearly indicating that, for the time being, she should leave him out of this.

"Sure, why not," Zelda shook her head. "The idea _I_ had the other night."

Mario drummed his fingers, turning over all the thoughts discussed a few paragraphs earlier in his head. "Well... yeah, I've given it some thought. And... it doesn't seem like _quite_ a bad idea now as it did then..."

"Told you it was a good idea!" Link abruptly leapt on the bandwagon.

"Screw you, too, Link," Zelda sighed, facepalming lightly.

Mario grunted, clearing his throat and grabbing their attention. "Just to be clear- you _do_ remember the part about dumb luck, right?"

"That _is_ true, Mario," Zelda spoke lightly. "Now that I honestly think about it, yeah, you've been very lucky over the past few years. But still- there's no point denying you don't have a talent for it, either. Remember last year, when Franziska was trying to mind control all of us? You were the first one to throw it off- the _only_ one, for a good while. You can do a final smash, and that's something most full-grown smashers never learned to do. Even Sonic-"

"Oh, here we go!" Link butted in, his voice suddenly taking on a rather scathing tone. "Of course the hedgehog's opinion is so critical to this conversation!"

Zelda sighed. "As I was saying, Sonic told me last year that you know how to do stuff even he's never learned, as a senior in Mycrowsoft. So... what d'ya say?"

Mario continued his finger-drumming. "What kind of class are we talking about here? Just the three of us?"

Zelda bit her lip. "Well... not to say that's not feasible, but... it doesn't seem quite fair, does it?"

"How d'ya mean?"

"Well, if we're getting actual Protection from the Evils work done, while everyone else is getting jipped out of a whole year... it just seems fair that we extend the opportunity to anyone who's interested."

She seemed afraid that another outburst was coming up, but instead, Mario's straight man side breached the surface. "Oh, yeah, because so many people are interested in learning Protection from the Evils from the madman who killed Donkey Kong last year, and spent the summer trying to pin it on Tabuu, right?"

Vaguely, he noticed that while Link winced at the use of Tabuu's name, as ever, Zelda only seemed to blink at it before responding. "I think you'd be surprised how many people in this mansion are willing to hear you out, Mario. I think the people here are better than you give them credit for."

Mario looked skeptical- Zelda sighed. "Look- leave it up to Link and me, okay? We'll start spreading the word- touch a shoulder here and there, tell them to tell anyone else they think might be interested, see if the word spreads a bit. Keeping it to people we trust, of course- try to keep everything on the down-low. I think we could all meet during the next Kurain trip- coming up in a week or so."

"Why all the secrecy?" Link raised an eyebrow.

"Well, it's not technically against the rules," Zelda pointed out, "but somehow, I doubt Fassad would _quite_ see it that way."

XXXX

And so, word began to spread.

XXXX

"Lu, hey, Lu!"

"Hm?" Luigi glanced up from the spaghetti he was slurping down to see Zelda nudging him lightly. "Oh, hey, Zelda, what's going on?"

"Keep it down!" Zelda hissed, glancing around not-so-surreptitiously. "The walls have ears!"

"Okay, what's going on?" Luigi asked again, lowering his voice.

"There's gonna be a meeting at the Borscht Inn next week at Kurain- Mario's got something to tell anyone who'll come. Could be something big. You in?"

Luigi gave a faint smile. "This isn't going to be SOYLENT all over again, is it?"

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Zelda frowned. "But no, it isn't- this is about learning actual Protection from the Evils."

"Well, if it'll help me actually learn something this year, count me in," Luigi nodded.

"Glad to hear it," Zelda smiled. "Okay, Link is already tipping off the Nintendo Smash-Up team... hmm... you're friends with Lucina and her crew, right?"

"Her and Robin, yeah," Luigi nodded. "Not so much with Waluigi- he really seems to not like me, for some reason."

"Then I'll appreciate you going over to tell them even more," Zelda smiled and patted him on the back. He gave a small yelp.

"But... but they're over in Sierra!" he pointed out nervously.

"I know... but they're high on our list of people likely to want to come," Zelda explained. Luigi gulped, but gave a small nod as he glanced over at Sierra's table, looking like he was about to march to his own execution.

XXXX

"So I can sign you up?" Link asked one more time for confirmation.

"Well, well, well, little bro, looks like your Faron pride is really beginning to show!" Kirby and Meta beamed at him. "Glad to see you haven't been letting that badge corrupt you!"

Kumatora shook her head at her brawler's antics, then turned to nod at Link. "Of course you can count me in. Smeg if I'm gonna let that fat bastard ruin my last year at this school!"

"Language, Kumatora," Paula chided softly, prompting Kirby and Meta's mouths to drop. "Anyways, you can count me in, too- I'd like to hear Mario's side of things before passing judgement."

"Put me down for that, too!" added Yukiko Amagi. "Sounds interesting- I'm sure I could convince Chie to come, too..."

"And I can ask Ness," Paula agreed.

"Leave Lucas and Duster to me," Kumatora touched her forehead.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait!" Kirby and Meta interrupted, still staring wide-eyed at Paula. "Are we the only ones who noticed Paula saying 'language?!'"

"I know, I know," Paula sighed. "It just kind of... slipped out."

XXXX

Luigi was still dragging his feet as he crossed the Dining Hall, really not looking forward to meeting with the residents of the table he was approaching.

"Hey, punk, what you doin' on our turf?" came a gangster-style voice. Luigi gulped and turned to see Bowser and his cronies standing there, arms crossed. "You're far away from Nintendo there, punk," Bowser continued. "And I don't see any record of you payin' the toll for crossing over here."

"I... uh... I... I just wanted to..." Luigi trembled violently.

"You'd best beat it, greenie," Bowser smirked. "Otherwise, things are 'bout to get bad for ya."

XXXX

"I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous. In short, in matters animal and vegetable and mineral, I am the very model of a modern major general!" Robin finally finished belting out. Taking a deep breath, he prepared to continue- "I know our mythic history, Prince Marth and-"

"Take five," Lucina raised a hand. "Look over there."

"Isn't that Luigi?" Robin raised her eyebrow. "What's he doing over here?"

"I see," Lucina nodded ponderingly. "Looks like it's time for that future to come true, Rob."

She led her friend across the table to where Bowser and his thugs were still picking on poor Luigi. "Why not beat it yourself?" she asked, crossing her arms. "He has just as much right to be here as you do- more so, if I say so myself."

Bowser snarled, but with the teachers all gathered at the front of the hall, he wasn't prepared to instigate the brawl that arguing Lucina back would necessitate. "Come on, homies, let's split," he growled, snapping his fingers and leading Ganondorf and Wario away.

"Th... thanks, Lucina," Luigi smiled wanly. "I was just coming over to tell you that-"

"There's going to be a meeting at the Borscht Inn, led by Mario, and you want to know if we'll come?" Lucina guessed ahead of time.

Luigi stared. "How did you know? Aren't you from the present time in this universe?"

"Yeah," Lucina nodded. "Shulk told me- oh, and he also said to let you know that him, Reyn, and Fiora are in, too."

"Nice," Luigi grinned. "And you?"

"In, of course," Lucina nodded. "Me, Robin, _and_ Wa."

"I'd appreciate it if you'd stop speaking for me," Robin muttered.

"So you're out?" Luigi asked, eyes widening sadly.

Robin shook his head. "I didn't say that- I'd just like to agree on my own terms, that's all."

"Alright, so, add me, Robin, and Wa," Lucina repeated, "and next, we should go see if we can get Pauline's attention."

"Pauline Dama?" Luigi asked wonderingly. "From Retro? Why her?"

"Let's just say I suspect Mario would appreciate her support," Lucina smirked.

XXXX

"Hey, whatcha guys talkin' 'bout?" Peach asked, spying Kirby and Meta Knight speaking to a boy with blond hair tied off to one side, dressed in a very... interesting outfit.

"Achtung, baby!" the boy greeted her with a hug. "Your brothers were just making a very interesting proposition- they say that Mario Mario is holding a meeting during the next Kurain weekend, and wanted to know if the Gavinners could make some time to hear him out!"

"And what did you say, Klavier?" Peach asked warmly, certain she already knew the answer.

"I agreed, of course!" Klavier gestured in a rather over-the-top manner to indicate his excitement. "Me, Daryan, and the others will most certainly be there- as I hope you will, fraulein."

"Of course," Peach nodded. "The only thing I'm wondering is why these two jokers didn't come to me first."

"You make it sound like we were planning something sinister!" Kirby and Meta winced, putting on wounded faces.

"And you weren't?" Peach asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Well, we didn't say that," they smirked mischievously.

XXXX

"And that's the gist of what's going on," Lucina concluded.

"I see," Pauline nodded thoughtfully. "Sounds like a plan- the Borscht Inn, right? During the next Kurain trip?"

"Yup," Lucina nodded. "Glad to hear you're interested. See you-"

"And what... is going on... _here_?" asked an unreasonably creepy voice. Lucina and Pauline both winced and turned to see a very... dark-looking girl standing there. Pale skin, untidy black hair that fell over her face in a manner somewhat reminiscent of many Japanese horror movies, dressed in dark robes, and clutching a tome of black magic to her chest.

"Oh hell-lo, Tharja!" Lucina changed her sentence mid-word, putting on a falsely cheery face. "So, you heard about what's going on, then?"

"Going behind the school's back, are you?" the dark girl asked, biting her thumbnail. "Getting into... mischief?"

Luigi inched away from the girl, turning and eventually landing his eyes on another Retro student he'd been contemplating inviting. Slowly, he approached a girl sitting down the table, alone for several seats, dressed in pink, wings sprouting from her head. "Hey, uh... er... Melia."

"This isn't your table," Melia spoke without looking at him. Her tone wasn't accusatory- she was simply stating a fact. "Is there something you wish to speak with me about?"

Luigi tried to open his mouth, heedless to the loop-de-loop currently tied into his tongue. "Er- eh... chookabaykadebocko."

"I'm so sorry, I don't speak Italianese," Melia shook her head slightly. Luigi legitimately couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic, or speaking of an actual language that existed, whether in reality or in her own mind. "I ask that you switch to English, or shall I summon an interpreter?"

Luigi swallowed the lump in his throat and forced himself to speak. "I... er... um... there's... there's going to be a meeting down in Kurain during the next trip, at the Borscht Inn. Mario wants to speak to anyone who'll listen about... er... stuff."

"Stuff?" Melia asked, turning to look at him for the first time, prompting the poor boy's heart to leap into his throat. "What kind of stuff?"

"Protection from the Evils stuff," Luigi answered, somewhat stiffly. "I... I understand if you don't want to come..."

"Quite the contrary," Melia shook her head. "I would be delighted to attend this meeting. You may count on seeing me there."

Luigi nodded shakily. "And... er... one other thing..."

"Yes?"

"I wondered... if you'd like... er... if you'd like to be... friends?" Luigi cursed himself. How stupid must he sound to her.

"Why?"

Luigi blinked- of all the responses he'd envisioned to that question, that was not one of them. She wanted to know why he'd like to be friends with her? Well... "Um... well... it could be good for you. You know what they say about friendship being the real superpower..."

"I do not," Melia shook her head. "Nevertheless, I shall take your request under advisement. Perhaps it is as you say- perhaps it could be good for me. In the meantime..." She rose from her seat, closing the book she'd been reading with a snap. "I must away to first period. Until Saturday, then." Without another word, she strode on out of the hall, Luigi staring, slack-jawed, after her. Why did he have to fall for such an odd girl?

Shaking his head violently, he recalled that Lucina was still handling that other student from before- that, er... Tharja. He turned to see them still conversing, and hurried over.

"It's nothing as bad as you think," Lucina shook her head in answer to whatever Tharja had said previously. "Please, just hear him out- it may change your opinion."

"Why should I listen to him?" Tharja asked in that creepy monotone of hers. "I have no reason to believe someone the world at large has branded a madman."

"Just come to the meeting, hear him out, and make up your mind then," Lucina repeated. "Please?"

"And what incentive to I have to interrupt my busy schedule with a trip to the furthest outskirts of Kurain?" Tharja asked, eyes narrowing. "Sounds like a waste of time if you ask-"

"Robin will be there," Lucina sighed, finally playing her trump card- as she'd suspected she'd have to.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Perhaps I can find some time in my schedule after all." The edges of Tharja's mouth twitched upwards, ever so slightly. "Hee hee hee..."

Lucina didn't like the looks of where this was going, but before anyone could speak again, they were interrupted by a rather sanctimonious voice, on par with Rob Faron himself, asking, "And what do you suppose you are all up to?"

"Ah, smeg," Lucina sighed, glancing at the newcomer. "Kevin Winnicott..."

XXXX

"So, Mario Mario is forming a new club, in order to teach Protection from the Evils..."

"That is correct. He wishes to spread the word about the Great Darkness's return, and to prepare the students of the Smash Mansion in the event that they meet starmen in the coming years."

"His goals aren't our concern- this is an opportunity the likes of which we haven't had in a long, long while. You know what you must do, correct?"

"Yes."

"I can trust you to play your role through to the end?"

"Of course. I have just one question..."

"Ask away."

"..."

"..."

"I see. It is all clear to me now. I apologize for questioning your wisdom."

"No apologies are necessary. Go forth, and play your role- the time will be right soon enough."

XXXX

Mario had some mixed feelings about the upcoming trip to Kurain, feelings that largely leaned positive, but the negative side had little to do with the 'detour' to Borscht, and largely to do with Roy. Thus far, Roy had failed to send a single letter or appear again in the hub's sink. Mario was no idiot- he knew the red-haired swordsman had been offended by Mario's vehement denial of his plan to return to Kurain, logic or no logic. He knew his godfather was a true, red-blooded hothead, and his greatest fear that week was that Roy, desperate to get away from Silent Hill, would throw everyone's warnings in the dumpster and appear anyways.

"Well, I don't blame him for wanting to breath some free air," Link shrugged when Mario ran this past him. "I mean, the closest he's been to free since before you or I could even walk was for the last two years when he was on the run- and as bad as that was, at least he was out and about, not locked up in a creepy old house with a creepy old yoshi. But don't worry about it," he added, attempting to comfort him. "The Master Hand told him not to leave, and whatever bad things he has to say about the Hand after the fact, Strider never disobeys him."

Abruptly, Zelda appeared, smiling, with a clipboard under one arm. "Alright, got the roster for the people who agreed to come to Borscht to listen to Mario speak. We have a few potential future club-members here."

"How many is 'a few?'" Mario asked, crossing his arms.

"A few," Zelda repeated evasively. "I just wish I'd gotten this much enthusiasm when I proposed SOYLENT..."

Mario and Link refused to look at each other. Whatever else they might say, Zelda's writing was improving- at the very least, her haikus had the right number of syllables now.

XXXX

Finally, the day came. Mario awoke to find the lawn covered in sunlight- but the grass rippling in a violent wind. He thought he could actually spy a tweester or two off in the distance- bizarre creatures resembling tornadoes with rather derpy faces.

The crowd of people setting off to Kurain from the foyer was, as ever, enormous, as they filed out the front doors past a closely watching Samus and Mido. Mario was making his way through them when Mido lashed out, seizing his arm and gripping it tightly in several places before releasing him, giving a slight nod, and motioning for him to continue on his way.

"The flip was that about?" Link asked, staring at the man as the three of them descended the hill upon which the mansion was perched.

"Probably checking to see if my arm was stone," Mario shrugged casually.

Link and Zelda stared. "And your arm would be stone because...?"

"Oh, right, I forgot to tell you guys!" Mario slapped his forehead, and proceeded to tell them the story of what had transpired in the aviary all those weeks ago.

Zelda's eyes narrowed. "Someone told him you were ordering ultra-bitter spray?" she asked.

"Apparently so," Mario shrugged. "Pretty weak joke, I know- probably Bowser, in that case."

Link snorted as they finally approached Kurain's gate. "So, why the Borscht Inn?" Mario asked as they headed down the familiar street. "The Colony 6 Grill and Bar closed today or something?"

"Nah, Sharla never closes up," Zelda shook her head. "The problem is, there are too many people there. The Borscht Inn is in a... seedier part of town... but there aren't as many people to listen in on us."

The last time they'd gone to the Borscht Inn, it was to use it as a landmark to locate Roy's hideout- they'd never actually entered. For that matter, they'd hardly paid it any mind at all. 'Seedy' was definitely the word that came to Mario's mind when they finally arrived at a ratty old shack made of rough wood. It looked like the set of a horror movie. Mario hesitated, throwing a second glance at Zelda, who gallantly motioned for him to go first. Mario sighed. Being the straight man had its consequences- he was expected to plunge into danger without fear, with naught but a snarky comment in the face of even the greatest horrors. "Well, here goes everything," he grumbled, pushing the door open and leading the trio inside.

Yup, it was official- this was definitely no Colony 6 Grill and Bar. Sharla went out of her way to ensure her customers felt welcome at all times- the place felt... homely. This place, however, reeked of neglect. The windows were grimy, the floor was filthy, there was a seedy corner dedicated to a billiards and poker table, complete with light and stands to hold cigarettes. The fanciest thing in the place was an old piano near the bar, several cases of grape juice bottles lay carefully next to it.

Four years earlier, the golden trio had discovered that Crazy had made a backdoor deal in this very inn for a rayquaza egg, which had caused them no end of trouble. At the time, Mario had been exasperated that Crazy had found nothing strange about the egg's donor going out of their way to hide their face, but now, he saw that Crazy was correct- the only person here who didn't have their face hidden was the bartender, a tall man with brown eyes, dressed in a grey hoodie, dark pants, and a blue beanie, who, to Mario's straight-man-side's chagrin, was currently wiping away at a glass with a cloth that didn't look much cleaner. Something about him tickled Mario's memory... he knew that face from somewhere... he just couldn't place where.

"Hold up, Zelda," Link touched her lightly on the shoulder. "All my red-flag sensors are going off- how do we know one of these guys isn't Fassad in disguise?"

"Why would he be here?" Zelda whispered back. "We've been keeping everything as quiet as possible- he has no reason to suspect anything's going on! Besides, as far as the rules are concerned, we're not doing anything wrong- just forming a new club in an area that's perfectly within the rules for students to go. I even asked Pikachu about this place- he said even if this place _was_ out-of-bounds, eating here is its own punishment."

"If you're done standing there in the doorway, muttering," the barman finally spoke up, "you're free to come in and order any time you want."

"Sorry," Zelda's ears turned red. "We'll take three Mountain Dews, please- Code Red, regular, and White Out."

"Coming right up," the barman shrugged, turning away for a brief moment, turning around quickly and providing them with the red, white, and green drinks. Zelda passed them to their respective drinkers, and guided them over to a table as far from the bar's other patrons as possible.

"So, I decided I'd check the rules on forming new clubs," Mario noted as he took a swig of cherry goodness. "We need at least five members for this to be official, so aside from us, we need at least two more people..."

"I don't think that'll be a problem," Zelda smiled.

"Don't think it'll- exactly how many people are on that roster of yours?" Mario asked, his red-flag sensors blazing into life.

"A few people," Zelda shrugged. The door creaked open. "Oh, thank Nayru- that's them now!"

Mario turned, and almost had a heart attack.

The leaders of the pack were Ness Levi, side-by side with Ilia Ordona, as well as Saria and Fado Kokiri. Just behind them were Luigi Luigi, Lucina Mercer, Robin, and Waluigi, who had to duck his spider-like legs to get under the door's frame. Right behind them was a dark girl he didn't recognize, clutching a book of some sort to her chest, and right behind her was Pauline Dama, prompting Mario's heart to fail temporarily before he continued his role call.

Next was Melia Antiqua, an expression on her face so vague, he had to wonder if she was here for the meeting, or had just stumbled upon the place. Not far behind was the Nintendo team's offense, Kumatora Jones, Paula Polestar, and Yukiko Amagi, the last of whom was accompanied by a tomboyish girl in a green jacket. Pichu and Plusle Minun, he would kick himself later for forgetting they'd be all over this idea, right in front of a trio of Hals- Lucas Ikari, Duster Osohe, and Maya Fey. Three students from Retro, Hal, and Nintendo he knew by name as Daryan Crescend, Ema Skye, and Klavier Gavin, the last of whom was accompanied by Peach Faron, and bringing up the rear, a tall boy in red with a rather snooty expression he recognized only as a member of Hal's Smash-Up team, being ushered in by Kirby and Meta Knight Faron, along with the third member of their crew, Smash-Up commentator Teddy Ellay.

Zelda put on her best 'innocent face' as Mario turned to glare at her. "What, Link was in on it, too!"

"You were?" Mario turned to him.

"I may have had a hand," Link shrugged, determinedly looking everywhere but at Mario.

Mario sighed. "You two are the reason I have an emotional dependence on Mountain Dew," he muttered, taking a long swig from said drink in front of him.

The bartender, meanwhile, was dumbstruck- never had he seen his place this packed. Kirby bounced up to him with a wide grin. "Boy, have we got some business for you today, good sir!"

"Yessir, we do!" Meta put in, bouncing up as well. "We'll take a good... er... twenty-eight sodas! Whatcha all want back there?"

A great deal of murmuring came from the crowd as they all stated their preferred flavors, passing money up to their marshmallowy benefactors. "Alright, thank you all very much!" Kirby grinned. "Well, you heard 'em, buddy!" he added to the bartender, who fired a brief death glare at the puffball before turning and getting started on those orders.

Mario hadn't known what to expect before, but seeing all these people left him well and truly at a loss for words. Slowly turning back to Zelda, he asked, "Okay, spill it- what are these people expecting? What did you tell them to get them here?"

"Like I said, they want to hear you out," Zelda shrugged. Wincing under the pyromancer's ensuing death glare, she quickly said, "just lean back and relax for now- I'll warm them up."

"How's it going, bro?" came Luigi Luigi's voice, the tall boy flashing him a grin as he took a seat with some plain Mountain Dew in tow. Mario would have smiled back, but his facial muscles weren't in it. Next to Luigi sat Pauline Dama, offering him an encouraging glance over her glass of Code Red- seeing her preference in Mountain Dew set Mario's heart hammering harder than ever. Beside her was that dark girl from before, drinking from a glass of Pitch Black, keeping her gaze fixed on him, not even blinking. He wished she would- she was putting him off.

There was some chattering as these new potential club members mingled for a minute or two before finally taking their seats and staring up at the three who'd called them here.

Mario turned to glare at Zelda in a 'You got us into this mess, go on and get us out!' kind of way, prompting her to turn red as she succumbed to the human race's most common phobia, standing and speaking to the gathered audience. "He- hello, everyone."

Silence. Zelda gulped. "Okay, so... I'm guessing you all know why we're here. This is Mario Mario, and he had the idea- I had the idea, I had the idea!" she hastily corrected as Mario's gaze began to burn her. "I had the idea that... well, that the Protection from the Evils we're learning from Fassad Yokuba just isn't enough to cut it- that if we're really going to learn it, we should take it into our own hands." She slowly accumulated more confidence and momentum when she spied several nodding heads and agreeing faces. "What we need to learn goes beyond theory- we need actual practice in the art of self-defense-"

"Not confident that Fassad's classes will get you through the ALBATROSS tests, hm?" spoke up Ema Skye, munching on strange things she was taking from a bag labeled 'snakoos.' "Can't blame you- those classes, to use a scientific term, suck major donkey balls."

A few chuckles around the room. Zelda nodded. "Of course, the ALBATROSSes are a part of it," she agreed. "But there's more to it- not just to get us through school, but because... because... well, there's no beating around the bush. Tabuu's back."

The reaction was just what Mario would have expected- a scream, a shattering glass, Daryan Crescend gritting his teeth, causing his rather phallic hair to bob up and down, Luigi giving a yelp as he attempted to leap into Lucina's arms, scooby-doo style, only to be blocked by Waluigi, beating him to the punch and throwing a nasty grin at the green boy as he tumbled to the ground, and a great deal of shuddering.

"So, yeah, now you know," Zelda nodded. "So, if we're going to make this thing official-"

"We'll need some proof," came a snooty tone, drawing everyone's attention to the Hal in red clothing and black hair.

"Excuse me?" Zelda asked, crossing her arms as she turned to look at him.

"I'm sorry, I forgot who I was talking to," the Hal spoke snidely. "This may come as a shock to you, but not everyone's convinced that the Great Darkness is back- where's the evidence of such, outside the old Hand's word?"

"You don't think that's good enough?" Zelda asked, one eyebrow going up.

"The Master Hand only believes it because red-cap over there believes it," the Hal pointed out condescendingly.

"And you don't think _that's_ good enough?" Link asked, turning red at the implied insult to his friend. "Exactly who _are_ you, you smegging winnicot?"

"Not just _a_ winnicot- _the_ Winnicot," the Hal corrected. "Kevin Winnicot- Hal. And if you want _my_ support, than I need a little more than hearsay. So, let's hear it from the horse's mouth- what exactly is the tale of Mario Mario?"

"Look, we're starting to stray from the-" Zelda started, but Mario cut her off with a raised hand.

"It's alright, Zelda- I thought this might be the case." He rose to his feet and looked each and every person there in the eye. "What makes me say Tabuu is back? Only the fact that it's true- I saw it happen. The Master Hand told you everything you need to know last year. If you didn't believe him then, there's nothing I can say to convince you, and I'm not going to waste my time trying."

"All he said," Kevin retorted, "was that the Great Darkness killed Donkey Kong- a pretty brief summary if you ask-"

"If you want details about what it looks like when the greatest evil that ever lived rises again, murders a close friend, then tries to kill you, too, you came to the wrong place. If you're here to talk about the last moments of Donkey Kong, I'm sorry- that's a conversation for one person, and one person only- and he's not here." A quick glance in Ness's direction showed that the baseball-toting boy knew exactly who he was talking about. "Let's get this sorted out right now- anyone here purely to listen to the story of Tabuu's return, you may as well leave now."

A lingering silence fell. Mario crossed his arms, tapping his shoulder with his opposite index finger, watching, waiting for the majority of them to stand up and head out- but nobody did. Even Kevin Winnicot, scowling though he was, didn't rise from his seat.

The silence was finally broken by a trembling raised hand. Mario turned to find Maya Fey, looking slightly nervous, but flinging her hand skyward nonetheless. "Yes?" he asked.

"My sister told me you can do a final smash- is that true?" she asked.

Mario stared at her. "Your sister- you mean Mia?"

"Mia Fey, best judge on the government's payroll!" Maya nodded, grinning. "She told me all about the trial- so, is it true? You can do a full-on final smash?"

Mario slowly nodded. "That is true."

"Well, well, well," spoke the dark girl next to Pauline. "Perhaps this will turn out to be worth my time after all... hee hee hee... hahahahaha!"

Looking somewhat off-put by the evil cackling going on right in front of him, Klavier Gavin was the next to speak- "And according to the Word on the Wind, you were the one who gave that red sword in the Master Hand's office to him- after using it to kill the monster inside the Dungeon of Secrets!"

"A giga koopa, to be exact," Link nodded. "Yup, that's true too."

Duster let out a whoop, Ilia cheered, and Pichu thumped his younger brother on the back- "I told you! I told you he saved me!"

"And, lest we forget," Luigi spoke up, "he kicked off his school career by saving the hypoborean stone!"

"The _Hylian_ Stone," Zelda corrected him. "But yes, he did that."

"Yeah, not just saved it," Luigi kept on trucking, "he snatched it right out from under the Great Darkness's nose!"

"And, of course," spoke another voice- Pauline Dama, causing Mario's heart to go camping out in his forehead, "there's the Console Games from last year- that meta dragon, the zoras, the Slender Man, the Ultimate Chimaera..."

Mario sighed. He was glad to hear that not everyone had a rock-bottom opinion of him- particularly that Pauline was so prominent among them- but he still had to say it. He wouldn't be honest with any of them- or himself- if he didn't. "Look, guys... I'm not trying to be modest when I say this- really, I'm not. The fact is, a lot of the time, I had help with those things-"

"Yeah, we could see the guy in the kart with you, helping you to drive circles around Ridley," Ema Skye smirked at him over another snackoo. "Hard to see you, with all the help he was giving you."

"And we're sure your cousin was a huge help against those floows in the summer," Maya threw a mischievous smirk at him.

"As well as against those animatronics at Freddy Fazbear's," Melia put in. Mario was on the point of wondering how she knew about that when Lucina spoke up.

"Just admit it, Mario, yeah, you couldn't have done it alone... but without you, Waluigi wouldn't even be standing here right now."

"Waluigi gotta be grateful to you," Waluigi piped up, almost as if at Lucina's bidding. "Waluigi gonna give you a discount when he get his bridal boutique! Waluigi gonna help you get married, cater you with tha tacos from his taco stand... Waluigi really gonna hook you up, waa!"

"Okay, I get it," Mario interrupted. "I get it, I don't give myself enough credit- but the point still stands."

"What point?" came Kevin Winnicot's voice. "These dorks all turn up to hear what you have to say, and now you're trying to slip out of actually following through on your promises?"

"You seem to have a hearing problem, my friend," Kirby spoke up, sounding hostile- it was an odd tone from the puffball, as he produced a long rod. "Luckily, Meta and I have just the instrument to fix that up for ya..."

Kevin quickly moved as far away from them as he could, eyes on the rod. Mario cleared his throat. "That won't be necessary, you two."

"Yeth, mathter!" they both lisped back at him, instantly returning to their cheery demeanor.

Zelda cleared her own throat, struggling to get the meeting back on track. "So, we're all agreed to make this an official club?"

The smiles, nods, and whoops from the populace said that the idea was pretty much unanimously agreed upon.

"Alright, glad we finally got that taken care of," Zelda sighed in relief. "Okay, so, now we have to ask ourselves how often we'll be meeting up. Personally, I think that any less often than once a week, and we might as well not bother."

"But let us not forget," came Kumatora's voice, "that Smash-Up is finally back on this year! I'm all for this club, don't get me wrong, but we can't have it screwing over our team!"

"Or ours!" Pauline agreed.

"Or ours," Kevin nodded in that sanctimonious voice of his.

"I'm not on the Sierra team," Lucina shrugged. "Neither are Robin or Waluigi- no need to worry about us."

"Honestly, I think there are some things at stake here bigger than Smash-Up," came a quiet voice- everyone spun around, looking for the source, before finally focusing on Lucas Ikari. He looked around, startled and looking somewhat off-put by the sudden onslaught of attention. "Well, I mean... with the starmen coming back, Protection from the Evils is more important than ever. I just want to know why the government chose this year, of all years, to force this teacher on us who refused to teach us anything..."

"Unfortunately, we have the answer for you," Zelda spoke up, lowering her head and closing her eyes. "The government doesn't want us learning defensive smashing- they think the Master Hand would use us to take over the government."

The only person who didn't seem shocked and appalled at this news was Melia Antiqua. "Hmm, it makes sense, from his point of view- after all, he has his army of telethia."

"Telethia?" asked the dark girl. "That's the first I've heard of it..."

"That's because it's a load of bubkiss!" Zelda burst out- Melia always seemed to bring out the worst in her. "Telethia are half-remembered myths from thousands of years ago- they never existed, now, then, or ever!"

"You maintain that despite the many reports throughout the years?" Melia asked, showing her angry side, as ever, only towards Zelda.

"I have yet to see any physical evidence!"

"And we have yet to see physical evidence that the Great Darkness has returned!" Melia rebutted. "Nonetheless-"

"Nwe-hem!" came a crud-eating laugh from the nearby wall. Everyone spun around in a panic, only to laugh a collective laugh of relief when they saw it was Peach, arms crossed and lids lowered halfway. "If you two are done turning this place into an elementary school playground, how about we try to hammer out the finer details of this club, hm?"

Once again, Mario felt that feeling towards Peach he'd felt back at Silent Hill- and once again, he was unable to identify it. Zelda cleared her throat, looking embarrassed. "Yes, of course. Well, like I said, once a week should cut it- we should be able to work around everyone's Smash-Up schedules with that. If anything, it'll help us out- we'll never be able to meet on the same days of the week, keep anyone watching from noticing a pattern. Now comes the hard part- _where_ are we going to meet?"

Silence fell. "I'm guessing the library won't work," Paula muttered to herself.

"Don't know what you're talking about, Ruto would _love_ to have a bunch of smashers in training throwing their powers around her books like baseballs," Ness smirked.

Robin nudged the dark girl next to Pauline. "Hey, Tharja, I don't suppose any of those curses of yours could keep someone from entering an unused classroom, let us practice in there."

"You know I'd do anything for you, Robin," Tharja spoke, biting her nail harder than ever. "But I'm sad to say that, for the moment... I lack those particular capabilities."

"Don't worry- leave it to us," Zelda spoke up. "Keep an eye out on the coconut telegraph- we'll get word around once we find a place- in 25 words or less. In the meantime, what are we going to call ourselves?"

"Call ourselves?" Luigi asked, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah- we should have a name," Zelda shrugged. "Make it feel like a real unofficial club, promote a sense of teamwork- you know what they say about the real superpower of teamwork!"

Missing Melia quietly wondering what games everyone else was playing that she wasn't, Kumatora spoke up. "The Anti-Fassad Movement."

"Too five years ago," Zelda scrunched her nose. "Any other ideas?"

"Anonymous! Anonymous!" Kirby and Meta cheered.

"I don't think so," Zelda shook her head. "Not unless we want the readers to be taken to a picture of Guy Fawkes every time they click on the link to this story."

"The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen!" burst out Waluigi.

Zelda blinked. "That's... actually pretty good!" She even performed the hand gesture. Frowning, she added, "But it's taken."

Waluigi glanced at his knees. "Waluigi always be wantin' ta be part of da League of Extraordinary Gentlemen..."

"Here's an idea," Pauline raised her hand. "The SOM Brigade- stands for _S_ ons _o_ f _M_ ario Brigade, y'see?"

"I like the acronym," Peach piped up, "but the actual name could use some work- a little too easy to guess. So, what _I_ think it should stand for is, _S_ preading Smashing all _O_ ver the World with the _M_ aster Hand Brigade! Really difficult to guess, not a connection many would make right off the bat, and it seems to be what the government is most afraid of, amirite?"

Smiling at the good humor going around at this comment, Zelda took out a paper and a clipboard. "Alright, all in favor of the _S_ preading Smashing all _O_ ver the World with the _M_ aster Hand Brigade, raise your hands!"

Even Kevin raised his, though the look on his face clearly said, 'This name would have been so much better if _I'd_ come up with it.'

Zelda smiled. "It's unanimous! The SOM Brigade, we are!"

Cheering from the populace, particularly from Kirby and Meta Knight. Zelda cleared her throat. "One last thing, before we break up for today- perhaps we should all sign this paper- you know, just to keep track of who was here, to know who to contact once we find a meeting place! Just keep in mind that, by signing, you're agreeing to the first rule of the SOM Brigade- do not talk about the SOM Brigade. You're also agreeing to the _second_ rule of the SOM Brigade- do _not_ talk about the SOM Brigade. If you have someone you truly trust that seems like a good candidate for a member, that's one thing, but telling someone who's likely to run off and tell Fassad... off the table. Telling Fassad himself... is right out."

Kirby, Meta, Teddy, Ness, Paula, and several others were all too happy to sign, but not everyone shared the sentiment. Kevin Winnicot, predictably enough, was one of them, but what surprised Mario was when Lucas hesitated. "I mean, it's a good cause and all," the blond-haired boy explained his reasons, eyes fixed on his shoes, "but... if Fassad were to find that paper..."

"Lucas, you know who I am," Zelda smirked at him slightly. "Do you really think I'd lose track of a used thumbtack, let alone something this important?"

"No- no, good point," Lucas smiled weakly, accepting the pen offered him and putting his name down.

Next was Tharja, alongside Lucina and Robin. "Any objections?" Zelda asked as she approached.

"No- you're all going to die anyways," Tharja smirked as she placed her name on the paper.

Mario glanced nervously at her as she walked off, then at Lucina and Robin. "You're sure we can trust her, right?"

"Yeah, yeah," Lucina nodded, trying to sound reassuring, but not sounding all that certain herself. "I know she's a little creepy- Robin can attest to that- but at the end of the day, her heart's in the right place."

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DESTROY YOU ALL!" came a burst of evil cackling from Tharja's seat.

"...I think," Lucina looked less confident in herself.

At long last, Zelda managed to convince Kevin to sign, and everyone stood around, looking somewhat awkwardly at each other. Hard to know what to say, after a meeting like that.

"Well, time's money!" Meta finally spoke up. "Come on, loyal subjects of the werecat king! We have business elsewhere on this fine day! Hup, two, three, four, hup, two, three, four!" With that, the twin puffballs and Teddy Ellay frog-marched out the door, raising their arms in time with their feet. Slowly but steadily, everyone else filtered out as well, until Mario, Link, and Zelda were the only ones left, walking down the street all on their lonesome.

"Well, it went better than it could have," Zelda noted brightly, tucking the list of members away into her bag.

"Maybe if that Winnicot winnicot hadn't come, it would've gone better," Link muttered sourly.

"Yeah... the way I heard it, he wasn't _supposed_ to be here, but he overheard Lucina inviting Pauline, so she didn't have much choice _but_ to invite him."

"And what about that girl- Tharja?" Mario asked uncertainly. "I mean, I don't like to be judgmental, but something just seemed... _off_ about her."

Even as he spoke, he swore he could hear that evil cackle off in the distance. Zelda waved his concern aside. "No need to be so prejudiced, Mario- just because she fits just about every single dark sorceress stereotype in the book, down to actively practicing dark magic, it doesn't make her a bad person."

"YOU WILL ALL DROWN IN THE BLOOD OF THE ANCIENTS!"

Mario shook his head. "I hope you're right, Zelda. I really hope you're right."

"I was surprised to see Klavier Gavin there, in all honesty," Zelda noted. "Then again, he _is_ going out with Peach, so that might have something to-"

"WHAT?!" Link burst out, staring at Zelda. "WHAT did you just say about Klavier Gavin?!"

"He's going out with Peach," Zelda repeated. "It's a pretty simple concept. They met up when they were getting ready for the Festival of Trees last year- they bonded over a mutual love of music, and have been going out since the tail end of last year."

Link was at a loss for words. Well, not entirely. "Alright, which one- which one of those scumbags was Klavier Gavin?!"

"Blond hair, tied off to one side, stylized G around his neck, red jacket?" Zelda described him off of memory.

"I didn't like him," Link's eyes narrowed. "Too much of a glimmerous fop."

"Whatever that means," Mario stared at him.

"What happened to her crush on Mario?!"

"When did this conversation become about me?!"

Zelda turned back to them and tapped her foot impatiently. "Yeah, she _had_ a crush on Mario, but she threw in the towel on that one a _ways_ back. Not to say she doesn't care for you," she added towards Mario, "but she acknowledged it as a celebrity crush, and decided she needed to move on with her lovelife."

"Is that why she talks in front of me now?" Mario asked- he'd hardly paid it any thought, but Peach used to be a whole different person around him- reserved, quiet, and shy. Lately, it seemed the mask had slowly peeled away, until he finally got to see the Peach everyone else saw normally.

"That would be why, yeah," Zelda nodded. "Colony 6, anyone? After that smeg, I think I could use some _real_ soda..."

Mario nodded and continued following her down the street, Link still muttering insults and other unkind things about Klavier Gavin even as they took their seats.

"But forget Tharja and Peach," Zelda smirked at him. "What about Pauline?"

"P-p-p-Pauline?" Mario asked, ears turning red. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Oh, sure you don't," Zelda's smirk widened. "Honestly, I think the only reason you noticed Tharja was because she was right next to Pauline the whole time..."

Mario waited for his Mountain Dew to arrive, then stared at it intently. He was going to freaking need this one...

 _XXXX_

WOOHOO! _Much_ shorter break than last time! Glad to be back, all! This is a chapter I've _really_ been looking forward to! I hope you're all as excited as I am to proceed from this point! To let me know, please R&R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	18. Insurgents

Gamer4 in, and just noticing, for the first time, that Rhajat and Asugi are anagrams of Tharja and Gaius, respectively. Yeah, I noticed right away that they were basically clones of said characters, but I am ashamed to say that I just now made the connections that even their names are so similar. So, while reading this chapter, keep in mind the cone of shame that I'm wearing while typing it out. Moving on.

Disclaimer: Now, for ten years, we've been on our own, and moss grows flat on our rolling stone, but that's not how it used to be- when the jester sang for the king and queen, a coke he borrowed from James Dean, and a voice that came from you and me!

Chapter XVII

Insurgents

Despite his ambivalence towards the idea beforehand, the SOM Brigade turned out to be a great boon for Mario for the remainder of the weekend, granting him a sense of joy he hadn't felt since witnessing Tabuu's return. Even chipping away, bit by bit, at his overflowing 'homework inbox' with Link wasn't nearly as much of a chore as it usually was- the knowledge that they were finally doing something besides laying down and allowing Fassad to walk all over them was like a talisman inside his heart- thankfully, one that came without the side effects of giving him a split personality bent on bathing in the blood of his enemies.

He even woke up joyfully on Monday, the day of all his least favorite classes, keeping in mind that there _was_ a group out there that believed him to be more than an attention-seeking liar at best, deranged murderer at worst. There were people willing to listen him, even to _learn_ from him...

And then he saw the notice posted on the bulletin board.

XXXX

"So, why weren't you at the meeting again?" Pauline asked of her fellow Retro as they descended the staircase towards their hub.

"Oh- we, uh... overslept," the blond-haired girl responded with a remarkably English accent. "Embarrassing, I know... but you can tell us when the official meetings start, right?"

Pauline opened her mouth to answer when a male voice interrupted- "Of course she will, Fiora- and that's no future-sight talking." They both turned to see Shulk Clairvoya descending his own staircase. "I guess Reyn is rubbing off on us- even from Hal."

"That would be my guess, yeah," Fiora giggled.

"Then again, shouldn't you have seen the future and _known_ you'd oversleep?" Pauline pointed out, her arms crossed.

"Or maybe Gamer4 could have not forgotten about us in the first place," Shulk pointed out. "Either way-" he froze. "Well, it's times like this I wish I _could_ see the future whenever I wanted..."

"What is it?" Fiora asked, only to cover her mouth in a gasp when she saw what he did. "Oh, Bionis..."

XXXX

"Get- get out of my way, please, I'm a prefect!" a low, somewhat squeaky voice echoed through the Hal hub- clearly not as used to exercising its authority as Rob. "Duster, what's going on? What's with everyone gathering 'round the bulletin board?"

Duster turned to see Lucas, shorter than the average smasher, struggling to peer over everyone's heads, but failing miserably. "Come on over here," he grunted, lifting his comrade up onto his shoulders. Lucas gasped.

"I- but- how could..."

In a darkened corner of the room, a dark smirk crossed Tharja's face as she pressed her book further and further into her chest. "What an... _interesting_... turn of events..." she muttered into the void.

XXXX

"What... the _smeg_... is this?!" Robin growled, his voice cracking at least twice as she shifted sex spontaneously.

"Waluigi smear herring all over this waa," Waluigi crinkled his nose, arms and legs both crossed.

"What did he say?" Robin asked of Lucina- he knew Waluigi better now than she had a few years ago, but still required the blue-haired lord to translate some of his more indecipherable ramblings.

"He said there's something fishy about this," Lucina's eyes narrowed into slits. "And I can't help but agree."

XXXX

"You're certain about this?"

"Absolutely certain- it was in every single group's hub this morning."

"And you think it means-"

"I fail to see what else it _could_ mean."

"How troubling..."

"Nevertheless, I do not believe this will stop Mario Mario from continuing his initiative- from what I saw yesterday, none of the SOM Brigade will be so easily dissuaded."

"So your plan hasn't changed?"

"No, it hasn't."

"Very well- continue fulfilling your role- but walk with caution."

"Of course- anything less would be a disgrace to us all."

XXXX

Mario could already hear that teapot-whistle firing up. "That... is a load... of _bull!_ " Link snarled, a scouter from Dragonball Z appearing in his hands specifically for him to crush in anger. "How... _How...?_ "

Now that we've dragged things out long enough, I guess it's time to show you what everyone was reacting to. Pasted onto the billboard, over everything else, was a poster reading as follows:

 **IN THE NAME OF PRESIDENT RYAN'S 'THIRD EYE,'**

 **ALL STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS, SOCIETIES, TEAMS, GROUPS, CLUBS, OR, YES, BRIGADES ARE HEREBY DISBANDED.**

 **THE ABOVE ARE DEFINED AS THE REGULAR- OR AT LEAST, WEEKLY- MEETINGS OF THREE STUDENTS OR MORE.**

 **THE ONLY PERSON IN THE MANSION WHO MAY GRANT PERMISSION TO REFORM IS FASSAD YOKUBA, THE THIRD EYE.**

 **SWIFT AND HARSH PUNISHMENT SHALL BE DEALT TO ANY FOUND TO BE PART OF AN ORGANIZATION, SOCIETY, TEAM, GROUP, CLUB, OR, YES, BRIGADE NOT APPROVED BY THE THIRD EYE- THUS DEEMED PROBLEMATIC.**

"Well, there goes the Chess club," mumbled a nearby student, with a cockney accent and blue clothing.

"I wouldn't worry about the chess club, Luke," Link shook his head, patting the boy on the shoulder. Turning a critical eye towards Mario, he added, "Now, the Brigade, on the other hand..."

Mario's fists were clenching and unclenching. "How... how could she know?"

"Search me," Link shook his head darkly. "There were plenty of people in that inn who might have blabbed, and that's if it wasn't one of the students..." Link slapped a hand to his forehead. "Great, two days of existing, and we've already got a mole. You know what? I bet it was Kevin Winnicot- he seems like the type to do it. Or- hey, it could have been Klavier Gavin..."

"My money would be on Tharja, if anyone," Mario spoke honestly.

"Couldn't be her," Link shook his head. "You're just paranoid because of her..."

"Creepiness?" Mario suggested.

"Yeah, but we don't accuse people of being traitors because they're creepy."

"Only because they're dating our sisters, right?"

Link opened and closed his mouth a couple times, then shook his head. "Whatever, I'm going to tell Zelda."

Mario reached out to stop him, but too late- Link had already set foot on the stairs leading up to the girls' dorm, which immediately changed into a slide and sent the swordsman shooting back down into the hub.

Mario approached, clapping very slowly and shaking his head. "Don't you remember that random quicky back in third year? I gave you a perfect example of why you _shouldn't_ do that."

"I guess some people just don't learn from their mistakes!" giggled a couple female noobs, sliding down the slide Link had just made for them.

"What the heck? Why can't we- I mean, Zelda visits us all the time in ours!" Link rubbed his hand through his hair, more bewildered than affronted.

"Like I said back then, 'that's not sexist at all,'" Mario shook his head.

"It's a pretty old-fashioned rule," Zelda agreed, swooping in on their conversation from above- almost literally. "From what I hear, the Master Hand's been planning on fixing it for a while, he just never got around to it. Anyways, we're straying dangerously close to _that_ topic again, so why don't we change the subject- why were you trying to get up there to begin with, Link?"

"The flipping bulletin," Link sighed, pointing behind him as Mario helped him to his feet. Zelda read the whole thing in a little over three seconds- we could give the exact number, but then we'd be here for... ever.

"Like I said earlier- it's a great sign when your organization exists for two days and has a mole already."

Zelda bit her thumbnail. "Hmmm... I'm not so certain..."

"Zelda, we get it, _you'd_ never do something like that," Link sighed in exasperation. "But here's the thing- just because _you_ wouldn't, doesn't mean no one _else_ would."

"Well, we'll see at breakfast, at any rate," Zelda shook her head. "There's a curse on that paper we all signed- anyone who breaks those first two rules of the Brigade... well, they'll be sorry."

"What'll it do?" Link asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, we'll know who it is, let's leave it at that," Zelda bowed her head. "So, the next question is, has the rest of the Brigade seen this yet?"

XXXX

Based off evidence from the Dining Hall that breakfast, yes they had. It seemed the notice had appeared in all the hubs, because all the conversations Mario overheard on his way to the Nintendo table were of students expressing concern over the cancellation of their clubs and teams. No sooner had Mario, Link, and Zelda taken their seats than all the other Nintendo members of the Brigade were at their side.

"What's the buzz, tell me what's-a happenin', what's the buzz, tell me what's-a happenin'," was how the Faron twins and Peach led the questioning, bobbing up and down in time with their song. "What's the buzz, tell me what's-a happenin', what's the buzz, tell me what's-a happenin'..."

Resisting the temptation to answer with the first verse, Mario simply said, "We're still doing it, don't worry."

"Dang right, we are!" Kirby and Meta whooped. "We're proud of you, boy."

"Hmm, I spy with my little eye," Link spoke up, "Lucas and Maya coming this way- along with Ema Skye and that Daryan guy. They don't look any different from the other day..."

"Does that _matter_?" Zelda asked, panicking. "They can't come over here, not now! It'll be too suspicious!"

"Allow me to speak with them," Klavier straightened up, brushing his hair to one side. "I certainly have reason to speak with Ema and Daryan, I'm sure I could explain away the others as well."

Mario, however, turned his eyes towards the Retro table, where Pauline was fixed in conversation with none other than Tharja- what group was that girl supposed to be in, anyway?

However, Mario didn't realize the full extent of what that notice implied until he and Link were already on their way up to Professor Andonuts' class, and a voice echoed behind them. "Mario! Link! Front and center!"

Both boys immediately fell into formation for Kumatora, approaching rapidly. "Yes, captain!" they barked in unison.

"At ease, I just needed you to stop," she panted momentarily as she approached.

Mario lowered his hand from its salute and nodded. "Alright. Well, in that case, no need to worry, we're still doing the-"

"Yeah, yeah, I figured," Kumatora waved him aside. "That's not it! Do you realize that fat bastard's including _Smash-Up_ in this?!"

" _Smash-Up_?" Mario gasped. "He- he can't do that- that's sacred territory!"

"Nothing is sacred to this guy," Kumatora grimaced, crossing her arms and shaking her head. "So, Mario, I am ordering you- asking you- begging you- I will get down on my knees and grovel if I flipping have to- do _not_ do anything in Fassad's class today that could jeopardize the team! Just... just keep your head down, read the stupid book, follow any of his stupid orders, please!"

"Alright, alright, you got it, you got it, I'll be a good mindless drone!" Mario gasped. "Can you let go of my overalls now?"

Kumatora took a deep breath, and released the straps of his overalls, which, sure enough, she'd been gripping tight enough to turn her knuckles white. "Sorry... just kind of... desperate, you know?"

"I know," Mario nodded. "Come on, Link- three rupees says Fassad inspects History of Smashing today, don't want to be late for that..."

But Mario ended up shoving three rupees over to Link- Fassad was nowhere to be seen during that class. Only Andonuts- Wave Existence alone knew if he was even _aware_ of the Inquisition going on. Mario, therefore, allowed himself to fall into his usual stupor, barely aware of what was going on- until he awoke to a fingernail digging into his side. He looked up to see Link and Zelda staring at him, wide-eyed- a motion from their heads led his gaze to the window, where he gasped- on the other side was his precious bird, Parakarry. "What the- why?" If the albatross had a note for him, it would normally come in during breakfast, along with all the other mail. Why, then, would Parakarry see fit to make this one communique so special?

The entire class stared as Mario rushed to the window, opened it up, and rushed back to his seat, avian comrade in tow. Andonuts didn't give the slightest hint he noticed- he was still plowing on and on into his sermon.

Mario expected Parakarry to immediately grant him the letter he'd brought, but as he took a closer look, he went colder than any pyromancer had any right to get- Parakarry was breathing oddly, his feathers were more ruffled than normal, and one of her wings seemed to be... twisted...

Struggling to keep his cool, Mario raised a hand. "Professor Andonuts, I'm- I'm not feeling well, I should probably go to Nurse Tessie..."

Andonuts shook himself awake, gazing over his book towards him. "Hm? Oh. Oh, very well, if you must, Mr. Ryoma..."

Wasting no time on wondering who 'Ryoma' was, Mario leapt to his feet and rushed his bird out into the hallway, wondering what to do. His first choice, of course, would have been to take Parakarry to the Crazy Hand, who specialized in dealing with animals from all walks of life, but with him still frustratingly absent, there was only one person he could turn to. He just hoped she'd be in the teacher's lounge...

He was rushing up to said room when it opened up and Samus stepped out of it, gazing behind her and flashing a good-natured 'well, screw you too' look behind her, before turning around, noticing Mario, and narrowing her eyes. "Wave Existence as my witness, Mario, if this is another detention from Fassad Yokuba..."

"Nothing like that, nothing like that!" Mario shook his head frantically. "It's Kj- er, Ms. Sheh!" he quickly amended, racking his memories for Kjelle's surname. "My albatross, Parakarry- he's hurt!"

The door behind Samus opened again, to the clanking of heavy metal. "Did someone say an albatross's been hurt?"

Never had Mario been so happy to see the massive, armor-clad form of the substitute Smashing Creatures teacher. "Yes- here- his wing, it's not supposed to-"

"No, it's not supposed to," Kjelle agreed, gazing over the bird, handling him with surprising gentleness. "He didn't get like this on his own, that's for sure... I'd suspect a gastly or haunter, but Crazy told me he's got all of them trained not to go after albatrosses... where exactly did this bird come from?"

Mario closed his eyes, thinking of the first false name he could think of, hoping to the Wave Existence that Samus understood. "Er... Philadelphia, I think."

He cracked open his eyes, and to his relief, it was obvious Samus understood. And that look she exchanged with Kjelle...

Kjelle cleared her throat. "Well, that's quite a distance," she spoke up quickly. "But the damage doesn't look _too_ severe- I think I should have him up and ready to fly again by next week- though I'd recommend keeping him away from any particularly _strenuous_ flights for a month or so, got it?"

"Got it," Mario nodded.

Samus, meanwhile, flipped the letter she'd just finished detaching from the bird over to Mario. "Take this," she muttered quietly. "And remember- the skies have ears as well."

"The skies-" Mario was on the point of asking, only for the bell to ring, and for the hallways to be filled so swiftly that he no longer heard her as he was swept away in the tide. It was all he could do to find a secluded area to rip open the envelope, to find a letter written in that ever-familiar, ever-comforting handwriting.

 _You know the place, you know the time, just be there, this last line's to rhyme._

XXXX

"That's from Strider, alright," Zelda concluded, gazing the note over when presented with both it and the story. "And... Philadelphia?"

"City of brotherly love- Philanthropy," Mario explained. "Starting to look like Kjelle's with Philanthropy, too."

"Really? Huh, never seen her around," Link shrugged. "Anyways, here's hoping no one else has read this- wouldn't want good ol' Strider to get caught."

"Don't know how anyone would know what it meant to begin with," Mario pointed out.

"Well, if the government's been keeping a close eye on the Warp Zone Network... which, given their paranoia, seems all too likely," Zelda pointed out, nibbling on a thumbnail nervously. "Then again, with what happened to Parakarry, I don't see how we could get a message to him without whoever did this snatching it up, too!"

"Another ray of sunshine from Zelda 'Glass-Half-Empty' Hyrule," Link shook his head, attempting to sound jovial, but his concern showing on his face nonetheless.

Needless to say, Mario was in a better mood than ever as he approached the entrance to Power-Ups class- why wouldn't he be? His mood only improved when he saw Bowser in front of the door, speaking at the top of his reptilian lungs, waving a slip of paper in the air.

"Of course, Mr. Yokuba gave Sierra the right to re-enter the championship right off the bat!" he was boasting. "Well, you know what they say, it ain't what you know, it's _who_ you know, and Mr. Yokuba and the old man go way back, he wasn't about to turn me away. It'll be interestin' ta see how he reacts to Nintendo..."

Mario's fists were clenching and unclenching, but the first thing he did was offer his arms to Link and Zelda, who immediately grabbed on, detecting his plea for assistance- Kumatora's warning in his ears, he did _not_ want to throw down with Bowser right now.

"Just a good thing it ain't Mario that's gotta appeal to the Third Eye," Bowser reflected, smirking. "Everyone knows he's got brain damage all over the place- apparently, they've even got a special bed at Umbrella hospital for him- same ward where they keep all the hopeless retards!" With this, he began making the stereotypical motions for mental illness- the banging of the chest, rolling eyes, et al.

At that moment, a boy in colored clothing and blue overalls, with a pronounced moustache, rushed forward and tackled Bowser to the ground, furiously punching, bashing, and shocking every inch of the turtle he could reach. Link and Zelda looked bewilderedly at each other, wondering how Mario had escaped their iron grip- but he hadn't. He was still between them, looking just as confused as they were. Reassessing the situation, they realized it was the last person they'd ever have expected to resort to violence- Luigi.

"You miserable dung heap, pile of worthless smeg, I'll teach you to disrespect-" is a toned down version of what the boy in green was yelling as he beat the unsuspecting turtle to a pulp. As everyone watched, members of both Nintendo and Sierra staring with their jaws on the ground, the unassuming boy was weaving a tapestry of obscenity that, rumor has it, still lingers over Lake Delfino to this day.

Finally, Mario and Link working together were able to pull their green friend away from Bowser, who was currently pressed into the floor of the mansion in his own personal crater, with two black eyes, a cracked tooth, a missing horn, and a definite look of 'what-the-smeg-just-happened.' Luigi, however, didn't seem to be finished- he was struggling to reach Bowser again with a look of ferocity completely alien to his face.

Abruptly, the door to the classroom opened, and perhaps the only being in the multiverse that could quench the sudden fire in Luigi's belly appeared- Wolf O'Donnell, glaring down at them, causing Luigi's red face to turn abruptly white as he suddenly fell, limp, into his friends' arms.

"The mouth on you, Mr. Luigi," Wolf snarled. "I can only assume it was Mario that taught you those words, and impressed upon you that it was okay to use them in such a way." Crossing the hall and pulling Bowser out of his crater, he snarled again, "Ten points from both of you- release him now, or you will be in detention with me next. Dragmire- Nurse Tessie. Everyone else- inside."

Bowser gave a lopsided smirk at Nintendo as he passed them for the medical wing- a smirk that really lost its effectiveness when he had to stop to spit out another tooth. Link and Zelda both stared at Luigi as they entered the classroom. "Luigi- are you... are you okay?" Link asked tentatively. Luigi didn't answer- he adjusted his cap to cover his face and walked inside, refusing to meet their eyes.

Mario ached for him- the truth was, he knew why Luigi had been set off that badly by Bowser's taunts. However, he didn't intend to speak up about it- it was pure happenstance that he'd discovered Luigi's secret, and he'd since promised the Master Hand to remain silent about it until Luigi was ready to speak about it himself. Even Luigi wasn't aware that there was another student in the mansion who knew why he really lived with his grandmother...

Finally, Mario finished his pre-class preparations, and looked up to see Wolf glowering at the class from the whiteboard up front. "The more astute and observant of you will notice," he snarled, "that we are not alone today."

Mario glanced around, and all his rage, previously quenched by pity for Luigi, returned. In the corner, notebook already out, banana-pen poised to write, was Fassad Yokuba. Well, this should be interesting- the duel of the monsters, Godzilla vs. King Ghidora. While it ate him up inside to admit it, it was Wolf he was rooting for here- at least the grey-furred anthro's detentions felt like actual detentions, not outtakes from _A Clockwork Orange._ Yeah, Mario could just imagine Fassad saying, 'Nothing teaches discipline and respect like a brain-erasing trance!'

"Today, we will be continuing our work on coffee power-ups," Wolf continued. "Specifically, the Hoolumbian, which increases the strength of the one who consumes it. Instructions on the board as usual- get to brewing!"

Everyone leapt to it. Mario kept his eyes on Fassad, waiting for the moment he would interrogate the anthro. He reached for the beans to be put into his drink, only for Zelda to interrupt him. "You want to at least _try_ paying attention?" she hissed quietly. "You need _Woo_ beans, not _Hee_ beans!"

Finally, Fassad stood and headed up to Wolf's desk. "So, Mr. O'Donnell, this class seems fairly advanced for their grade."

"They should be, if they intend to meet my standards," Wolf growled.

"Nevertheless- Hoolumbian coffee, hm? A rather... advanced power-up for this level. On behalf of the government, I think that this power-up would be better off removed from the curriculum."

Mario, knowing and hating Wolf as he did, could read the anthro's expression like an open book- _You don't tell me how to do my job, I won't tell you how to do yours, you boo-f &$*ing stalfo._ However, the words that actually came out of his mouth were, "I shall take it... under advisement." Again, while Mario recognized this to mean, _That suggestion is going right in the trash,_ Fassad seemed satisfied, nodding, grinning, and laughing his hateful laugh.

"Nwehehehe... So, how long have you been working here, exactly?"

"Fourteen years in total," Wolf answered curtly.

"But you initially had your eyes on the Protection from the Evils job, yes?"

Wolf's eyes narrowed- his well-known love of that job was also a well-known sore spot for him. "I... did."

"But you have been thus far unsuccessful?"

Wolf closed his eyes, and again, Mario thought he could hear what he really wanted to say- _Ya think so, smeg-for-brains?_ However, what he actually said was, "That _is_ what the evidence would seem to point to..."

"And why, do you think, is the Master Hand so keen on keeping you from your dream job?"

"The Master Hand's reasons are his own- it is not my place to question him." As with Kjelle, Mario could tell Fassad wasn't getting the full story, but Fassad seemed placated. "Is there any particular reason you are so determined to dig up my old memories?" Wolf asked.

"No reason in particular," Fassad shrugged. "We at the government merely wish to have a firm understanding of the teachers' backgrounds. Well, I think that wraps us up here- I'll be sure to have your results back to you in a fortnight."

"I can hardly wait," Wolf growled gently as Fassad stalked out of the dungeon.

XXXX

Wolf, as he was wont to do, provided his students with a boatload of homework- so much that Mario was halfway tempted to skip psychic powers and work on power-ups instead. Zelda, however, got her 'no-arguing-with-me-on-this-one' look and said, "Under normal circumstances, I'd say 'go right ahead- you're not losing anything skipping out on that fraud anyways,' but not today- after already skipping Andonut's class, you're already walking a thin line."

Mario hated to do it, but he had to concede that point, and so it came to be that he and Link met up with Luigi and Ness in the mansion's attic.

When Lucario appeared, an aura of sheer gloom hung over him. _Your books, my children- take out your books,_ he groaned as he floated to his chair at the front of the room. _I only pray that I am not such a terrible influence upon you as to drain all knowledge from your brains in my presence..._

"What's with him?" Link whispered to Mario.

"Well, I'm no expert," he whispered back, "but if I had to guess, I'd say he got his results."

Saria Kokiri, who, along with Ilia Ordona, was a longtime fan of this teacher, raised her hand tentatively. "Sir, is something wrong?"

 _Nothing is wrong, my dear girl,_ Lucario thought heavily. _Nothing is wrong- God is in heaven, all is right with the world. It is the lot of substandard teachers such as myself to face the slings and arrows of misfortune, you see. That I have spent sixteen years devoted to this job, to the well-being of the students who came to learn from me... well, that has no relevance now, does it?_

"Was it... was it Fassad-" Saria began, but Lucario recoiled, much as many smashers did at Tabuu's name.

 _Dear, speak not the name, speak not the name! A foul creature has entered our midst, and we are ill-equipped to deal with it! Please, lest he be watching, continue your work!_

Lucario's confidence seemed to be sapped- he didn't make one ominous prediction about Mario the whole class, which would normally comfort him, but now...

XXXX

Mario was even more disgusted next period, when they entered Fassad's class and saw him smirking, chortling as he munched on a banana.

That class was the most dull, uneventful class of Mario's life- he simply couldn't stand attempting to read Sarkeesian's work, and resorted to staring at the pages, observing the shapes of the letters. At one point, Zelda raised her hand, only for Mario, noticing trends, to force it back down again.

XXXX

"Well, Smash-Up practice is cancelled," Kumatora muttered gloomily.

"What? But why?!" Mario asked, aghast. "I kept calm all through his class today- I swear!"

"As my hand can attest to," Zelda muttered resentfully, rubbing the area where he'd burned her hand to keep it away from the air.

"I believe you," Kumatora nodded, setting Mario on edge- he'd never seen her this down in the dumps. "But that... that fat bastard said he needed to consider it a bit."

"What, after giving Sierra permission right away?" Link snarled.

"It's a weapon," Mario growled, anger flowing freely through him. "He thinks Nintendo is the group most likely to call him on his BS, so he's holding this over us as long as he can."

Kumatora sighed. "Well, we'd better get to work on finding a place for the brigade to meet up- the sooner the better. When I find whoever squealed..." She shook her head forlornly, turning and loping away.

XXXX

As Mario and co. returned to the hub that night, he found it difficult to believe he'd been fine and dandy that morning. Now all he had to do was work on his power-ups homework, hoping that Roy turned up in the sink sooner, rather than later.

Time slowed to a crawl- it was the months before _Xenoblade X's_ release all over again- or maybe I'm projecting a little bit. Okay, it was like waiting for _Mother 4-_ I think most people can relate to that. Unless you've never heard of Mother 4, in which case- sorry, I'm rambling. Forget this paragraph ever existed.

Time slowed to a crawl- each second seemed to last an hour or so whenever Mario glanced at the clock. 4:30... five hundred years later, 4:45, and who knew how late it would be before Roy was secure in appearing again...

At long last, at around 8:00, after everyone else had gone to bed, Link rose to his feet, sighing heavily as he crossed the room to splash some water on his face. However, the faucet turned on without his input, causing him a brief moment of panic before he realized- "Strider!"

In a second, Mario and Zelda were on their feet as well and gathering around the sink- and the beaming water-face of Roy Alluvia.

"I've never been so happy to see you," Mario grinned.

"I'd say the feeling's mutual, but I think the time I was happiest to see you was back in Spooky's House of Jumpscares," Roy grinned. "So, waste no time- tell me what's going on?"

"Things are going right down the tubes," Mario admitted heavily. "Fassad's introduced a new rule- all Smash-Up teams have been disbanded-"

"As have any brigades dedicated to teaching Protection from the Evils, amirite?" Roy smirked.

Silence fell. Zelda broke it. "How- how did you-"

"You could use a crash course in choosing secret places to meet," Roy's smirk deepened. "Borscht Inn? Is it any wonder Fassad found out?"

"But- but-" Zelda stammered, searching for the words to defend herself. "It's always practically empty- Colony 6 is always jam-packed-"

"Which would make it pretty difficult for any eavesdroppers to hear about the 'Spreading smashing all Over the world with the Master Hand Brigade,' right?" Roy pointed out. "But at Borscht, anyone who _was_ there could hear you loud and clear- as did Kamek."

"Kamek?" Mario asked, aghast. "Is he still following me?"

"Actually, no, it was a coincidence," Roy shrugged. "He likes to frequent that inn- the only reason he was in disguise was his... _history..._ with the barman- Mr... Wright, I think. That guy never forgets- especially with someone like Kamek- so whenever he stops in there for a drink, he's got to take some transformo-candy first. That said, could you really blame us for keeping an eye on you, when the first thing you do on your first Kurain weekend is go and start a secret organization?"

Mario searched his godfather's watery eyes for signs of reproach, but no- if anything, he looked proud. "Now, to get the negative smeg out of the way first," the red-head continued. "Link, a message from Uli- paraphrased slightly, 'If you actually join such a ridiculous group, there will be consequences. If Fassad were to find out, you'll almost definitely be expelled, and your future will go straight down the gutter.' She also wanted me to pass that to Mario and Zelda, though she acknowledged she doesn't have direct authority over them. Next time you have a chance, let her know I told you that, okay? Something tells me she doesn't trust me to actually pass that on..."

"So you want to nix the SOM Brigade right now?" Mario asked heavily.

"Me? _Smeg_ no!" Roy shook his head fervently. "Just a messenger- if you want to know what _I_ think, _I_ say 'Full steam ahead!' It's exactly what me, Jake, and Fox would have done if we were there!"

"You just..." Mario stammered, searching for the proper words. "After all those words of caution last year..."

"When we were decently certain there was a crazed butt-stabber in the mansion, yeah," Roy nodded. "This year, we know for a _fact_ that there _is_ a crazed butt-stabber on the _outside_ of the mansion, so learning to protect yourselves seems like a pretty good idea, if you ask me!"

"But what if we _do_ get expelled?" Zelda asked tentatively.

Mario stared at her. "After all the pushing you did to get this thing started?"

"I just want another opinion!" Zelda shrugged.

"Strider's opinion is as follows:" Roy spoke. "Better expelled from school ready to fight off the starmen than remain safe in school, the starmen ready to take you out as soon as you leave it."

"An excellent point!" Link nodded enthusiastically.

"So, spill some of the finer details, why don't ya?" Roy asked eagerly. "Where ya meetin'?"

Silence fell again. Mario shook his head slowly. "We... we don't actually know that yet..."

"Hmm... I see..." Roy muttered. "How about Spooky's House of Jumpscares?"

"I doubt it would work," Mario shook his head again. "Did Kamek tell you how many students are joining the Brigade?"

"He was pretty vague on that..."

"Twenty-eight," Mario recalled. "Pushing thirty, if Lucina was right about Shulk and Fiora joining."

"I see," Roy shook his head. "Yeah, maybe if it was Spooky's _Gymnasium_ of Jumpscares... well, this is a conundrum. Tell you what, I'll give it a good, long think, and if I come up with something, I'll- _smeg_! _"_

Mario and the others blinked at Roy's abrupt curse- he was looking off to his right, suddenly panicking. "Roy?" Zelda asked, but before they could say anything, his face had collapsed back into the water.

"So, what was that-" Link started to ask, only to recoil in horror, the cause clear- another figure had risen from the water- a large, chubby hand, clutching a banana-pen between its pinky and ring fingers, snatching desperately at where Roy had been seconds before. Mario quickly motioned with his eyes for everyone to head up to bed, which they did without objection, not stopping to glance at the horror in the sink, where Fassad was continuing to swipe around the bowl, searching for the one who got away.

 _XXXX_

Sorry about that break there- hit a bit of a slump. Not even picking up with a particularly long chapter... Should be picking up again next chapter, though- what with the DA/ SOM Brigade coming in and all. Also, with October coming up, I'm getting started on my annual horror binge- Marble Hornets, Eternal Darkness, Poltergeist, Luigi's Mansion, might throw in a bit of Bioshock for funsies... so if references to that kind of stuff becomes predominant over the next couple months or so, now you'll know why. Off to watch _Always Watching- A Marble Hornets Story_ , the movie they made of that first series. Hope to see you later this week, maybe next week- until then, please R&R, constructive criticism welcome, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.


	19. A Brigade of Their Own

Gamer4 in. Well, how's this for a great marketing tactic- albeit something that happened a while back. I first got interested in the _Bayonetta_ series because she was added to _Smash Bros. Wii U_ \- albeit as DLC. Several months later, I _bought_ Bayonetta's DLC because I liked her home series- and because I could get Corrin at the same time. That's probably indicative of something, but I'm too busy rocking out to the _Bayonetta_ remix of _Fly Me to the Moon_ to think what. Anyways, nothing to do with this chapter, just a random anecdote- let's get to the main act, shall we?

Disclaimer: While the king was looking down, the jester stole his thorny crown! The courtroom was adjourned- no verdict was returned!

Chapter XVIII

A Brigade of Their Own

"There is only one person among us who could have attacked Parakarry, Mario. Someone who snatched your albatross out of the air, read the letter it was carrying, and deduced that Strider would be popping out of our sink at the time he did... AND THAT PERSON IS YOU!"

Zelda spun around, pointing dramatically at... Luigi's bulbous nose. Luigi started, nearly falling out of his chair. "Wh-what are you guys talking about again?"

Zelda blushed furiously, slowly lowering her hand. "Sorry, Lu, I got carried away for a second there."

"She's been playing a bit much Professor Layton lately," Link nodded his confirmation.

"Okay," Luigi shrugged, returning to his work- pointing a strange, rod-like device at a Jigglypuff that had already begun to sing. "Oh, crud..."

Mario, Link, and Zelda swiftly stuffed their fingers into their ears to block out Jigglypuff's low crooning, but it was too late for the green-clad plumber, whose eyes began to hopelessly droop. When Jigglypuff eventually noticed and pulled out her infamous marker, the three finally felt safe to unplug their ears and resume their conversation.

Needless to say, this was during a particularly hectic Weapons class- every student had been given an animal of some sort, as well as a device known as a Silencing Joking Weaselwasher- SJW for short. (No, nobody knows who named them, only that they were most assuredly high on _something._ ) The only indicative part of the name was the Silencing part- the purpose of the SJW was to silence anything it was pointed at. Unfortunately, it seemed Luigi hadn't activated his quite in time.

"So, I'm guessing the real person you meant to finger was Fassad," Mario noted as he brandished his personal rod at his personal overlarge toad wearing a cape, crown, and gold pendant around its neck- seemingly to no effect whatsoever.

"Of course," Zelda nodded fervently. "Honestly, I thought something was up from the moment I noticed that ketchup on his tie-"

"Tie?" Link asked, flushed red with frustration due to his consistent failure to silence his fairy- a round light with wings.* Raising his voice above the cries of "Hey, listen, hey, hey, listen!", he spoke, "Fassad doesn't wear a tie!"

"Sorry, got carried away again," Zelda blushed deeper. "What I meant to say was, I suspected him as soon as you told us that story about Mido trying to take your mail. Something about you ordering drugs?" She raised her eyebrow at Mario.

"Yeah, but like I said, I don't do drugs," Mario repeated. "I'm a cool kid." He put on a pair of sunglasses, doing his best to imitate the worst of the worst anti-drug PSAs he'd ever seen. Zelda shook her head, wrenching the sunglasses away from him and feeding it to the baby wyvern in front of her, already completely silenced- naturally.

"The point is, it was such a dumb prank, even by Bowser's standards," Zelda explained her line of logic. "As soon as it was read, it would be pretty obvious it was just a regular letter- not really anything damaging to you, more of a minor, temporary inconvenience than anything else. But what if whoever tipped Mido off had a different motive- not to prank you, but just to get your mail into their hands? As for knowing the place and time- well, like I said last chapter, ten to one, Fassad's got people watching the Warp Zone Network..."

"It was a close call either way," Link frowned, stubbornly waving his SJW through the air as hard as he could, still doing nothing to silence the fairy's squeaky voice. "If he'd noticed two seconds later, he'd already be back in Subspace- and Wave Existence alone knows what the Tribune would make of Strider being found in correspondence with the Smash Mansion."

Zelda gave an agreeing shudder. Seeing Link's continuous failed attempts, she put one hand gently over his. "No, no, don't wave it- more like you're _stabbing..._ "

Link grumbled a bit at having to accept still more help from Zelda, but did as she suggested, jabbing the fairy straight through with the SJW. Everything seemed to come to a screeching halt, until the fairy, against all odds, began to speak, her voice steadily increasing in volume and pitch. "Hey, listen... hey, listen, _hey, listen,_ HEY, LISTEN, _HEY, LIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEN!"_

The windows of the room shattered, prompting every single animal within to dive straight out, fleeing from the horde of students attempting to silence them. Everything was quiet for a long, long time as everyone turned to stare at the red-faced swordsman.

Finally, Zelda spoke. "I didn't mean to _actually_ stab it..."

XXXX

Of all the mansion's numerous residents, there was one that stood out from all the rest- and not in a good way. This resident was, of course, the Boo, member of a strange species of living ghosts called- wouldn't you know it- boos. Being the only member of his race at the mansion, however, most simply referred to him as... well, the Boo. The Boo was quite the prankster- he delighted in ruining the days of all the mansion's residents, terrorizing everyone to just the extent that he could get away with, without ever crossing the line that would get him exorcized from the premises. To an extent, this was good- most boos weren't nearly as scrupulous, freely killing people in grisly ways and inspiring several low-budget horror movies with no better reason than 'It amused me,' while their Boo stuck mostly to lighthearted, non-life-threatening trolling, but, of course, that didn't mean that he particularly endeared himself to his victims.

Why do we bring this up now? Well, it's come to our attention that we mentioned the Boo in an earlier chapter, but neglected to actually describe who he was. And without that brief description, it would make no sense when we told you that, upon entering the Dining hall for lunch, Mario's first instinct was to throw a fireball at the round white spirit near the ceiling just before it could throw a water balloon filled with paint at him- one of an arsenal that he was pulling from the tops of several pillars. How, then, did Mario know it was paint? Because the Boo, pushed away from Nintendo, flew over to Sierra and tossed it down on an unsuspecting Robin, who leapt to his feet and turned, red-faced in more ways than one, on the spirit and began shouting abuse at him.

Mario was about to bite into a large peanut-butter-and-honey sandwich, a favorite of his, when Kumatora appeared behind him, pulling both him and Link into her embrace. "Smash-Up is back on!" she cheered, looking happier than ever he'd seen her. "Went to Samus, told her what was going on, and mysteriously, a day or two later, Fassad comes to me and hands me the documents certifying the Nintendo Smash-Up team as pure, non-problematic, and ready to play!"

"Glad to hear it," Mario chuckled, trying to pull himself from her vicelike grip. "Mind if I eat my sandwich?"

Kumatora nodded genially, releasing them at last. "Alright, to business- everyone's gonna be at the stadium at 7- come rain or sleet or snow, we _need_ to get to practicing- our first match is coming right up on us!" Lowering her voice conspiratorially, she added, "Incidentally, any news on the... you know..."

"Haven't found a place yet," Mario whispered back. "Don't worry, we're working on it."

"Good," Kumatora nodded. "Sooner we get to work training, the better." Raising her voice again, she gave them an offhand salute. "Welp, off to let the others know!"

Mario and Link returned her offhand salute, before the latter turned to the former with a small frown. "That's right, we're supposed to be thinking of a place for the Brigade to meet, aren't we? Strider said he'd look into it, but even if he comes up with something, I don't see how he can let us know now."

Mario cursed softly. "You're right... I didn't realize... but still, he might find some way... a coded letter, get someone else to use the Warp Zone... what do you think, Zelda?"

Both boys turned to her, only to find her still gazing off into space. "...Zelda?" Link prompted softly.

"Huh?" Zelda grunted, turning to see them. "What were we talking about?"

"The Brigade," Mario recalled exasperatedly. "Wondering where the heck we're going to meet."

"Oh," Zelda nodded. "I... I was thinking about the Brigade, too... but in a different way..."

"What kind of different way?" Mario prompted, eyebrows going up.

"Well... it... it _is_ the right thing to do, isn't it?"

Link's jaw dropped. "You're second-guessing yourself _now?_ You're second-guessing a group _you_ started _now,_ and it's _not_ SOYLENT?"

"Hey, SOYLENT is a great idea, and I'll keep saying that 'til the day I die," Zelda crossed her arms. "Look, I know I'm the one who pushed it so hard in the first place, but now that we've talked to Strider..."

"What do you mean, 'now that we've talked to Strider,'?" Mario asked, staring. "He threw his whole support behind it!"

"Yeah, and that's... that's kind of the problem..." Zelda lowered her head as she spoke, allowing the shadow of a passing Boo to cross her eyes. The shadow eventually lifted when the spherical spirit moved back to Sierra, where Robin and Waluigi were ready and waiting with forks and knives to toss back at their assailant, as Lucina attempted to eat in peace.

Anger was coursing through Mario's veins, but being that this was Zelda he was dealing with, rather than, say, Bowser, he did his best to hold back. "So, let me get this straight," he struggled to keep his voice even. "Originally, you throw all your support behind this idea, pushing it when Link and I are doubtful, but the moment that Strider agrees that it's a good plan, _now_ you're withdrawing?"

"In which case, would you shut down SOYLENT if we got enough members? Because if so, I promise to be much more active," Link put in, attempting to lighten the mood a little.

Zelda shot a glare at Link, then an apologetic expression at Mario. "The thing is... especially around you... Strider doesn't tend to... well... have the best... judgement." She spoke carefully, clearly weighing every word before allowing it to leave her mouth.

"But he's always given us great advice before," Mario pointed out. "It was just a fluke that he's _not_ the one who got me through the first trial last year, remember?"

As Zelda carefully considered her next response, a paint balloon finally, inevitably, made its mark on the back of Lucina's head. Swiftly, she turned around, drawing her falchion, all the power and might of both the light and dark dragons coursing through her, causing her to brim with so much power that her hair lifted up, along with the dishes and utensils surrounding her...

Only for the whole show to be silenced when another paint balloon smacked her in the face.

Finally, Zelda spoke again. "It's... it's like he said. What we're doing... it's exactly what he'd do in our situation. When you take that, and the fact that he's desperate to do _anything,_ being cooped up at Silent Hill at the time... he wants to make a decision for us, and he might be throwing caution to the wind a bit, trying to do something, _anything_..."

"Once again, ladies and gentlemen, Zelda 'Glass-Half-Empty' Hyrule," Link shook his head. Zelda would have responded, but the war between the three Sierras and the Boo was beginning to spread across the entire hall, prompting them to make a quick exit.

XXXX

Despite their initial eagerness to return to Smash-Up practice, Mario and Link were much less inclined to get back in the saddle again when they saw the downpour going on outside. And yes, they had saddles in their karts, shut up, don't judge them. When they got out onto the field alongside their fellow teammates (short one captain,) none of the others looked particularly thrilled to be there, either. "Figures, just figures," Meta shook his head. "First practice session since Fassad got his grubby hands on the Smash Mansion rulebook, and we have to spend it out in the middle of Hurricane Herman."

"Hurricane Herman..." Yukiko Amagi mused, causing everyone to flinch as they turned to her, awaiting the inevitable storm of laughter. However, it never came- Yukiko shook her head, her long, sopping hair flopping around in front of her face. "It's too cold and wet to laugh..."

"Belay that talk!" barked Kumatora as she arrived on the scene, arms crossed. "True, these aren't ideal conditions, but they're the exact conditions we'll likely be going up against Sierra in, so we need to get used to it ASAP! If anyone feels like they're in danger of pneumonia, just go up to Mario, he'll warm you right back up again!"

"I forgot the cold doesn't mean much to some of us," Paula muttered, throwing a jealous look at the water evaporating immediately on contact with the pyromancer's skin. Kumatora, however, seemed intrigued.

"You know, I didn't even think about it, but if you do that during the game, make some steam to cover yourself up..." Abruptly, she stopped, shaking her head. "Nah, that's low, and we won't be sinking to Sierra's standards. Alright, people, get out there!"

A few moments later, Mario obligingly started up his kart and took off through the gale. However, warm though his pyromancer powers kept him, it did little to improve his vision- he could barely see past the hood of his Wild Wing, leading to what had to be his most frightening moment during practice- almost being crushed by a wild Chain Chomp, only narrowly managing to escape the gnashing teeth. Knowledge of what everyone else was doing was out the window- they could easily be in combat with a giant, two-headed dragon angel at the moment without him being any the wiser.

It was probably their best practice session yet- not that that was saying much- but also their shortest. After only an hour, Kumatora drove around to each of them individually to let them know they were finally throwing in the towel- the rain made it unfeasible to call out to everyone at once.

While everyone else headed to the locker rooms, Link rushed over to Mario. "Hey, buddy, you mind... um..."

"Yeah, no problem," Mario sighed, pulling his friend near and cranking up his body heat, leaving Link to sigh contentedly, rubbing his hands and facing them towards Mario like he was a campfire. Mario was on the point of laughing when a sudden pain coursed through the M-shaped cut on his forehead. "Ah! Son of a-"

"Whoa, what is it?" Link asked, taking a step back. "I don't smell _that_ bad, do I?"

"Like a wet dog," Mario muttered. "No, that's not it... it was..."

Link closed his eyes. "The scar?"

"...Yeah."

Link looked around self-consciously. "He... he's not here, right?"

"No, I... I don't think so," Mario shook his head, waving his hand for them to head towards the locker room. "If I had to guess... I'd say it's... it's because... he's mad." Mario blinked- where had that come from? That was hardly what he'd meant to say- he hadn't been planning that sentence out when he began- and yet, he knew it was true. Tabuu, wherever he may be, was in a flying fury.

"How d'you know that?" Link raised an eyebrow. "What, did you get a... a vision or something?"

"No, I... I didn't see anything," Mario shook his head. "Just... just a feeling... he's getting impatient..." He closed his eyes, rubbing them with his hands, when abruptly, he seemed to be swept away to somewhere else- while most of his senses remained on the Smash-Up field with Link, his sight went away, to himself sitting on a chair, slowly standing up and glowering before him.

"Fine," spoke a cruel voice that refused to fix itself to one pitch or tone, "I'll do it myself."

Mario looked up. "Okay, _there_ was the vision. He wants something done, but it's not happening fast enough."

"Is that what it was back with Fassad?" Link asked, opening up the door to the already-empty locker rooms and allowing his friend in first, where he collapsed on a bench.

"No, it was... it was something else then," Mario shook his head. "Back then, he was... he was happy. Something good was happening, something... I don't know, just something good."

Link's jaw dropped. "Well, if there was ever a reason to head to the Master Hand, this is-

"

"No," Mario cut him off severely. "I already told you, I'm not going to the Master Hand."

"Mario, you can see into the Great Darkness's mind!" Link objected. "You don't think that's worth-"

"I'm not reading his mind," Mario shook his head. "If anything, I'm just a glorified mood ring- I can tell you how he feels, and a little bit about _why_ he feels that way, but aside from that..."

Link shook his head. "What about Strider, then? You told him about your scar hurting last summer, didn't you?"

"Wish I could," Mario shook his head. "But how am I going to get a message to him without that fat bastard finding out too?"

"Well, the Master Hand might have a way..." Link noted suggestively.

Mario shook his head. "We need to get back to the hub- Pikachu's homework isn't going to do itself."

Link stood there for a moment, looking like he wanted to argue the point. Finally, he simply shook his head. "That's what she said," he muttered, giving a slight smile as he pulled Mario up and led him back to the Smash Mansion.

XXXX

Mario... was tired. Incredibly tired. Horribly tired. The rings under his eyes were developing rings of their own. Link had thrown in the towel on homework a ways back, but Mario was stubborn- he wasn't going to bed until this essay for Pikachu was complete. He thought as he gazed upon a laptop with but one paragraph entered into it that he was fairly certain he'd have to rewrite- somehow, he didn't think a dissertation about what _not_ to do at stoplights was what the lightning pokemon had in mind.

Listlessly, he struggled to put anything that sounded vaguely academic into the computer, but his eyes were beginning to droop, his consciousness, entirely against his will, was beginning to fade...

 _And he was walking along a dark corridor- a very dark corridor. He could see the door at the end of the hall, just waiting to be opened. The thing he desired for so long lay behind that door, he was certain of it..._

"Mario Mario!"

Mario awoke and nearly fell out of his chair as he violently looked around for the person who'd so rudely awakened him. He quickly adjusted the hat on his head and snapped his fingers, summoning a handful of fire to see by, scanning the room for a moment, not immediately seeing anything, until...

"Yoshi has come to return Mario Mario's albatross!" the squeaky voice repeated. Mario turned and saw a yoshi standing there- a very familiar yoshi. The yoshi, more specifically, who bore the name... Yoshi. He looked just as he had the previous year, happy and carefree, except for once, the saddle upon the yoshi's back bore a rider- a very joyous looking albatross...

"Parakarry!" Mario grinned, raising his arm for Parakarry to swoop over to, where he was greeted with several loving strokes. "All better, huh?" he murmured, before allowing Parakarry to alight on the arm of his chair, giving the pyromancer free reign to turn to the dinosaur-dragon creature. "Big thanks, Yoshi. Man, it's been a while..."

"Yoshi can't but agree, Mario Mario," Yoshi nodded fervently. "Yoshi has been looking forward to meeting Mario Mario once more- along with the fine works of poetry, it has served as the prime reason for Yoshi to come up and attend to the Nintendo hub every night!"

"Poet- Yoshi, _you've_ been taking Zelda's poems?"

"Indeed, sir, Yoshi has!" Yoshi nodded again. "Yoshi has enjoyed watching the young High-Rule grow better and better and summoning emotion through simple words as the year has passed... he has also presented some to Birdo, however..." Thought of the pink, deformed yoshi seemed to be causing Yoshi pain, so Mario decided to not press any further. Is the word 'yoshi' starting to sound weird to anyone yet?

"So, the other yoshis..." Mario surmised, only for Yoshi to confirm his suspicions with yet another nod.

"They take great offense, Mario Mario. Yoshi is the only one willing to clean these chambers anymore- not that Yoshi minds. Yoshi knew that, if he kept at it, one day, he'd meet Mario Mario, and at last, that day has come!" Yoshi grinned at Mario, only for the grin to slide away when he saw Mario's brooding face. "And yet, Mario Mario seems... unhappy. Yoshi wishes nothing more than to assist... Mario Mario has done so much for Yoshi, Yoshi wants nothing more than to repay him..."

Mario thought of everything, his hatred for Fassad, this strange bond between himself and Tabuu... and shook his head. "Sorry, Yoshter, but the problems I'm having aren't anything you can help with. I appreciate the offer, though- always glad to... to..."

"Mario Mario?" Yoshi asked confusedly.

Mario wanted to smack himself- of _course_ there was something Yoshi could help with! "Wait, Yoshi!" he raised his voice, startling the dragon... dinosaur... horse... thing. "There... there is _one_ thing..."

"Ask, Mario Mario, and you shall receive!" Yoshi's eyes brightened considerably.

"We're forming a club," Mario began.

"Mario Mario, High-Rule, and the Fair One?" Yoshi's eyes widened.

"Well, yeah, us... and about thirty other students," Mario nodded. "Unfortunately, this isn't the kind of club that will ever get Fassad's approval, so we need to meet in secret. This'll be a pretty active club, too, so it can't just be some classroom where we could sit for an hour every week- do you have anything that fits those standards?"

Yoshi's jaw dropped, causing Mario to silently begin sulking. Then again, perhaps he _was_ asking too much- his thoughts ceased as Yoshi's jaw re-affixed itself, and broke into an enormous grin. "Yoshi knows exactly the place! When Yoshi first arrived at the Smash Mansion, he thought it just a rumor amongst the yoshis working the kitchens, but has since learned better- tales of a strange room concealed within the mansion, known only as... the Debug Room!"

"The- the Debug Room?" Mario asked, taken aback.

"A chamber in which the normal laws of the world need not apply- in which anything and everything becomes possible," Yoshi explained. "When summoned forth by those who seek it, it molds itself to fit the needs of those who discovered it! Yoshi happened upon it once, when seeking a place for Birdo to sleep off a night of crazed Mountain Dew binging. Since then, Yoshi has tested again and again, and has yet to be disappointed- ask, and the Debug Room provides!"

Mario straightened up- such a thing sounded too good to be true, and yet, he doubted Yoshi could ever find it in himself to lie to him...

"How many people know about this place?"

"Hardly any," Yoshi confirmed. "Most people stumble upon it by accident, and never discover it again! Had Yoshi not heard the rumors, he likely would have never found it again either. But Yoshi assures Mario Mario, it is there, always waiting for someone to come along and give it form through their desires!"

Mario thought for a moment. Yoshi sounded confident, but a part of Mario remained skeptical that such an amazing room could exist- while he trusted Yoshi absolutely, the skeptical portion of him still demanded that he confirm this all with his own eyes before making plans for the Brigade. "Alright, when can you show me this place?"

"Any time will work for Yoshi!" Yoshi chirped, dancing in place- a strange dance that made it seem as though he was chasing his tail. "Yoshi is ready to go now, if Mario Mario wishes!"

Mario was prepared to go right that second... but then, he sat down, the rational part of his brain, the part that spoke in Zelda's voice, taking over. When he really thought about it, he was walking a thin line with Fassad as it was- he had this one chance to find a perfect place for the SOM Brigade to train- perhaps it wasn't best to do it in the middle of the night, while exhausted, with Fassad on high alert for anyone breaking his rules.

"No... not tonight. I need to talk to Link and Zelda, make a plan... if I need more details, I'll call you, don't worry, but until then, can you just tell me where it is?"

XXXX

The rain still had yet to cease by the next afternoon's Smashing Flora class, leading to Link and Zelda sticking close to Mario for warmth as they crossed the lawn. He didn't mind- it had been odd the first few months, but since the early days of his second year, he'd become accustomed to people- Link and Zelda in particular- treating him as a portable fireplace. When they next arrived at Crazy's cabin for Smashing Creatures, Kjelle quickly escorted them into the mansion, where they held that class in an unused classroom- though several students had had to unite at one point to pull Kjelle out of the mud she sank in at one point, groaning as they struggled to lift her and her full suit of armor.

The extremely inhospitable outside conditions in mind, Mario was intensely relieved when Kumatora announced that Smash-Up practice was cancelled that day.

"Music to my ears," he grinned, and before Kumatora could rage, he quickly added, "And not for the reason you think. We found a place for the Brigade to meet up- tonight, 8:00, 23rd floor, right across from that mural of the Warp Zone. Let everyone else know?"

"On it," Kumatora nodded eagerly. "Oh, I only wish I could see Fassad's face..."

"Kind of counter-productive to the whole 'secret' thing, huh?" Mario pointed out before smirking. "Oh, and by the way, best start treating me better during Smash-Up practice- at the Brigade, I'm the boss."

It was a joke, and Kumatora took it as one, smirking right back. "Oh, look who think's he's the big-shot, huh?" Drawing very close to his face, she whispered, "Just remember, whatever Mario Mario thinks he can do... KUMATORA CAN DO DOUBLE!"

With that, she turned and headed off towards where Paula and Ness were sitting, leaving Mario to rub a finger in his ringing ears. As he gazed around, he saw Zelda's mouth moving, but couldn't make out the words. When his hearing finally returned, he quickly said, "Sorry, what was that?"

Zelda rolled her eyes. "I _said,_ you're sure about this? This whole thing sounds pretty far-fetched, and Yoshi _has_ been known to come up with some kooky ideas in the past..."

"He has," Mario nodded. "Which makes it fortunate that this isn't the first I've heard of it- last year, at the Festival, the Master Hand mentioned something similar- he called it the Room of Requirement, but semantics aside, it was the same thing."

"Glad we have Yoshi's name," Link smiled. "Room of Requirement? That's such a dumb name."

"So true," Mario nodded. "'Debug Room' is so much better."

"I'm not sure of that," Zelda shook her head skeptically.

"Now you're distrusting the Master Hand?" Mario asked, taken aback.

"Oh, no, I'm all behind the room now," Zelda clarified. "On the naming issue, however..."

XXXX

And so it came to be that the rest of the day was spent ensuring that every member of the SOM Brigade, those who had been at the initial meeting as well as those who'd slept in, were made aware of the meeting place and time. Mario's sole regret was that Tharja managed to get the news to Pauline before he did, adding another check to his list of reasons to distrust the dark sorceress.

XXXX

"So, they have found a new place to practice..."

"Indeed. It is a most wondrous room, capable of bending itself to-"

"I know about the Debug Room. You need not explain it."

"You- you _knew_ of this room?"

"I did indeed- my comrades and I used it ourselves when we attended the mansion."

"Then why did you not tell me?"

"It was something Mario Mario had to find for himself- if one of his Brigade appeared to know more than they should, it would raise suspicion- and that is something we cannot afford."

"Still, I cannot help but wonder..."

"I have already made my reasons clear."

"... Of course. I... apologize for my transgressions."

"Yet again, there is nothing to forgive- you may feel free to question me at any time, as long as your task is fulfilled."

"And fulfilled it shall be."

XXXX

And so it came to be that, at 7:30, the Smash Mansion 'Golden Trio' left their hub, Mario carrying two items with him for emergency use- his invisibility blanket, and the Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion, an amazing map that not only allowed one to view a map of the entire mansion in detail, in the fashion of a video game map, but also had multicolored, labeled arrows showing each and every person within the house's boundaries, what they were doing, which way they were facing, and even whether or not their eyes were closed. Despite being Orwell's nightmare, Mario liked to think he generally used it for good- or the Golden Trio's warped version of good, at least. "Alright, the path's clear," he announced, reading the map by Zelda's fireball. "Let's go!"

After a great deal of climbing down stairs, they finally found themselves next to a blocky, pixelated mural of the famed Warp Zone, the inspiration for the Warp Zone Network, with three pipes leading to different worlds. Across the hall, a simple bare stretch of wall. "Alright, according to Yoshi, we need to stand in front of this, thinking of exactly what we need, and sing, hum, and/or whistle _Fly Me to the Moon_."

"The ending theme from _Neon Genesis Evangelion?_ " Zelda asked, surprised.

"I knew it more as Bayonetta's favorite song," Link shrugged. "I wonder if she ever used this place."

"Oh, you know my mother?" spoke a raspy voice out of the darkness, causing everyone to spin around in fear- only to realize the unexpected fourth person in the hall was Tharja- though it was initially hard to see her past the multiple blaring neon arrows pointing directly at her, with the word ' _TRAITOR, TRAITOR, TRAITOR'_ flashing repeatedly over her head. "Sorry about these," she muttered, summoning dark magic to banish the arrows and words. "I don't know _what_ is wrong with those arrows, they just keep following me around..."

"Didn't see you there, Tharja," Link greeted her. "Nice to see you!"

"Wish I could say the same," Mario muttered, too quiet for anyone else to hear, but Tharja narrowed her eyes nonetheless.

"Is Robin here yet?"

"No, but he should be here soon enough," Zelda shook her head. "Is he why you're here so early?"

"No, I merely had some... _business_... in the aviary," Tharja shook her head, before beginning to cackle. Abruptly, she pulled out an inhaler, pushed it into her mouth, and took a deep breath. "Sorry about that."

Mario flinched- he knew another smasher that had to periodically take a pull from an inhaler, but to keep his _grouching_ under control, not _evil cackling..._

"We are glad to have you on the team, Tharja!" Link thumped her on the back, turning to stare at Mario. "See, Mario, how devoted!"

"Oh, yes... devoted," Tharja nodded, a dark smirk gracing her face. "Simply... devoted."

Mario shook his head. "Whatever, let's get this room open. Like I was saying, think hard on what we need, and sing _Fly Me to the Moon_."

All four turned to the bare wall, and a dull, quiet quartet echoed through the halls. "Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars," Zelda sang gently.

"Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars," Link crooned.

"In other words, hold my hand," Tharja muttered, clutching her tome to her chest, thinking of Robin. "In other words, darling kiss me..."

"Fill my heart with song, and let me sing forevermore," Mario deadpanned. "You are all I long for, all I worship and adore."

"In other words, please be true," they all prepared the finale. "In other words, I love you."

Abruptly, out of nowhere, a large pair of black double doors appeared in front of them. Mario tentatively reached out and pushed it open, revealing a large room of stone, rows of bookshelves along the walls, loaded with many, many tomes of what Mario could only assume were books on Protection from the Evils. One wall had a whiteboard and a plasma-screen television, and across the floors were several mats that would no doubt come in handy when sparring time came along.

Zelda's jaw was on the ground, Link was sprinting around like an overexcited child, and Tharja had already chosen a dark corner to withdraw into. Mario chose to focus on Zelda first. "This... this is amazing!" Zelda grinned as she ran a finger along the spines of one set of books. "These books are universally acclaimed for how they handle Protection from the Evils- and when the smasher world says 'universally acclaimed,' we _mean_ it!"

"In other words, please be true! In other words, I love you!" came a quintet of voices from the door, which opened again to reveal Ness, Saria, Peach, Luigi, and Ilia. Ness looked impressed. "Dang, boy, you found quite the place for us to throw down, alright!"

"How- how'd you even _find_ this place?" Luigi asked, mouth open in awe.

Mario would have explained, but decided to wait until the entire Brigade was present- no point in going over it again and again, after all. He started to regret this decision as the room filled up more and more, eventually becoming even more packed than the Borscht Inn- Shulk, Reyn, and Fiora had managed to come by after all.

Nonetheless, now being the face of the Brigade, he decided it was on him to speak to everyone, not leave it to Zelda again. Eventually, he stood near the whiteboard and plasma tv, clearing his throat to get everyone's attention, trying to mask his nerves with his usual straight-man demeanor. "Well, glad to see everyone found this abomination of reality," he began.

"A little harsh," Pauline smiled at him. "This place is amazing!"

Loathe as he was to contradict her, Mario nodded. "Well, yes, it is better than anything I ever hoped to find- but that doesn't stop it being an abomination of reality. Anyways, I guess it's about time- you got something to say, Zelda?"

Zelda's hand was, indeed, in the air. Ness nudged Paula. "Sure took him less time to start responding to raised hands than Fassad," he smirked, causing the pink-clad girl to giggle.

"Zip it, you two," Mario furrowed his brow. "One more time, Zelda?"

"I thought we should elect a leader before we go too much farther."

"Mario's the leader, isn't he?" Pauline asked incredulously, as though this should be ludicrously obvious. Mario had never fully known the phrase ' _Walking on Sunshine'_ until now.

"True," Zelda nodded, "but I think we should actively elect him in- just so we know we've got a democratically elected leader here, not some tyrant forced on us. All in favor of making Mario Mario the leader of the SOM Brigade?"

Mario looked around- everyone was raising their hands, though it looked like Kevin Winnicott was doing it purely out of peer pressure and Tharja was only doing it because Robin was.

"Thank you all," Mario spoke slowly and embarrassedly. "Well, if that's all, let's move along- I hereby call this first official meeting of the SOM Brigade to order!" Cheers echoed around the room until Mario raised a hand, bringing silence instantly, much more effectively than the SJWs. "Alright, may as well dive right in. Now, in my experience, unless you're watching a Quentin Tarantino movie, it's best to start at the beginning, so, weird as it seems, we'll be starting by making sure everyone has a developed basic attack- a B attack, if you will. For example..." He snapped his fingers, summoned a fireball, and threw it across the room, burning a hole in the mirror opposite him.

"Flashy, but unimpressive," Kevin Winnicott spoke up. "We're training under the pretense that there are _starmen_ out there, and you think a basic, dinky attack like that is going to help us?"

"Oh, why don't you shut up already?" Kirby and Meta glared at him, but Mario raised his hand.

"Remember, guys, this isn't Fassad's class," he chided softly. "Dissenting opinions _have_ to be welcomed here, or we're no better than he is. That said..." he turned his gaze to Kevin, "Yes, I _do_ think it'll help. Everyone has to start somewhere, and it was that very flashy but useless, basic, dinky attack that got me out of my jam with Tabuu last year. That said, I won't force you to stay here- if you've already mastered the basics, feel free to leave and come back once we get to the 'good stuff.'"

A long silence hung, Mario feeling very odd with so many eyes on him. However, the one thing that _didn't_ happen in that time was anyone leaving- even Kevin. Finally, desperate to get everyone's eyes off him, he clapped his gloved hands together. "Alright, let's get started- everyone pair up and start trying to develop a basic attack using the bare minimum of smashing power- these attacks are for the beginning of fights, when you're trying to preserve energy, after all."

As everyone immediately obeyed his directive, splitting up into pairs and taking sparring mats, Mario shook his head. This 'being-the-boss' thing was going to take some getting used to.

Link and Zelda faced each other, as did Kirby and Meta Knight, Shulk and Reyn, Ness and Tharja, Klavier Gavin and Daryan Crescend. Tharja had initially tried to pair up with Robin, only for Lucina to roughly elbow her out of the way, as Waluigi found himself up against Ema Skye. By the end of all the shuffling around, only Luigi was left partnerless. Mario sighed- should have seen that one coming. "Come on, Lu," he beckoned, giving a soft smile. "As they say- come at me, bro."

He imagined a button in his hand controlling a series of speakers around the room- lo and behold, they all appeared just as he'd imagined. Pressing the button, a deep voice rang through the room- "3... 2... 1... GO!"

Light began to fill the room as the student smashers cut loose on each other. Two seconds in, Mario threw a fireball that knocked Luigi's hat clean off, knocking it across the room, leaving the poor boy to chase after it, and Mario to gaze around, seeing how everyone else was doing.

Well, starting with the basics had been a good decision- that much was immediately obvious. Hardly any of these guys had given thought to personal attacks before- most of the powers flying around were erratic, to say the least. Lucina had gone in for a supercharged sword-thrust against Robin, only to find herself flashing bright colors, her skeleton becoming temporarily visible as Robin retaliated with a thrown bolt of lightning. Zelda threw a fireball and Link, who narrowly dodged out of the way and fired an arrow from a bow he hadn't had before back- bringing an end to the beam-of-war begun by Ness and Tharja, which Mario assumed had begun when Ness used PSI Flash against Tharja, only to be countered by the girl's brand of black magic. It had been quite a sight, beams of light and darkness forcing each other back and forth between the two- until Link's rogue arrow struck Tharja haphazardly in the back, causing her to glare behind her, muttering something that sounded very much like, "You'll pay..."

And, since the writer can't stand not having mentioned her in so long, Melia was firing what seemed to be a water elemental at Peach, only for Peach to retaliate, every time, by pulling a strange mushroom creature out of... somewhere... deflecting it right back at her opponent. Not much progress going on there...

Abruptly, Mario felt a jolt of electricity hit him, and he felt a brief moment of empathy with Lucina as his skeleton flashed, and he fell to the ground, his hat flying off his head and across the room. He eventually rose to his feet and saw Luigi, looking amazed at what he'd done. "I... I did something!" he cheered. "I've never been able to- but I did!"

"Nice shot, Lu," Mario nodded, smiling, not eager to point out that most real melees wouldn't be carried out against such distracted opponents. "Tell you what, go and join Link and Zelda- I need to check on everyone."

Luigi nodded enthusiastically and dashed off, leaving Mario to gaze around at some of the carnage. Shulk was waving his sword in front of him, the symbol engraved into it shifting as he did- but every time he did so, Reyn would shout "Bone upper!" or occasionally, "Suck on this!" as he simply dealt his best friend an uppercut. Kirby and Meta were attempting to copy each other's powers, but given that their central powers were copying other smashers' powers... try to think about that one without getting a headache.

Lucas was attempting to cast PK Freeze, but the sphere of ice was very slow-moving, giving Duster time to go under his defenses and sweep his legs. Pichu and Plusle Minun were causing more damage to the room than they were to each other, causing a true shower of sparks everywhere they pointed.

"Okay, time out, time out!" he called. No one seemed to hear, prompting him to return to the button.

The deep voice echoed through the room- "GAME!"

Everyone stopped, staring around, eventually focused on Mario, who resumed his spot at the whiteboard. "Okay, not a bad start," he spoke slowly. "You all seem to have a general idea of what your most basic attack should be. The big thing we need to work on now is _focus._ Remember- all the power in the world doesn't mean anything if we can't even hit our targets. Alright, let's go!"

Some partners got mixed around this time- as Mario approached Tharja a few minutes later, his heart leapt into his mouth as he realized she was going up against Pauline. Mario didn't know what Pauline had been doing before, but when he walked by, she seemed to stagger for a second- just long enough for Tharja to break her defenses with a spell of ice and fire- or maybe just fire.

"Argh!" Pauline yelped, only for Mario to rush over and help her put the fire out.

"Do you like darkness?" Tharja taunted quietly.

"You alright?" Mario asked.

"Yeah," Pauline shook her head. "Tharja sure packs a punch... but you know, it's really your fault!"

"My fault?" Mario asked in bewilderment.

"Yeah- you made me nervous, I was just fine before you came along!" He couldn't tell if the scorn in her voice was joking or not- though, when her smile returned, he was leaning towards 'joking.'

"Do your parents know you're in this club?" Mario asked out of curiosity.

"No," Pauline shook her head. "They're scared of Fassad, told me not to do anything that might upset the government. But I can't just sit and take it- not after what Donkey Kong..."

The following awkward silence was broken by Melia calling out to them from where she'd knocked down Waluigi, turning from the spindly-legged Sierra and saying, "Not my father, I am glad to say. He is supportive of any actions taken against the government- he knows things about Andrew Ryan, things the president wouldn't want getting out... his shady business dealings, the way he _really_ uses the SCP Foundation, his hidden city, and, of course, the Breezy Zolos..."

"Breezy-" Pauline started, but Mario cut her off.

"Don't, don't, don't, don't even ask. I'm certain we don't want to know."

Pauline laughed. It was music to Mario's ears.

Ears that immediately received a rude awakening when Zelda called out, "Hey, Mario, what's the time?"

Mario looked down at his watch before realizing that he didn't have it anymore- he'd given it away to a fish the previous year. He thought he'd have broken the habit of looking at it by now. In fact, given that even before he'd given it away, it had been a non-functional piece of junk, it was kind of weird he'd developed that habit to begin with. He imagined a clock on the wall, observed it, and received a shock- they'd been at this for over an hour- it was past curfew, and everyone needed to get to their hubs ASAP, or risk being caught and punished by the thought police. He pressed the button again. "GAME!"

"Alright, people," he announced. "Good first meeting, but we're overtime. Smash-Up teams, when's the next ideal place to meet?"

Kumatora, Kevin Winnicott, and Ema Skye, representatives of the three Smash-Up teams, put their heads together quickly and chatted for a minute before looking up. "Wednesday!" Kumatora announced their decision. "That's the next day that works for everyone."

"Then Wednesday it shall be," Mario nodded. "Alright, everyone hurry back to their hubs- and be quiet! We don't need to give Fassad any more weapons than he has already..."

Everyone quietly hurried out of the Debug Room, Mario lingering behind, watching the Bomber's Guide to ensure everyone- the Hals and Sierras in particular- got to their hubs safely, before beckoning to Link and Zelda, leading them out beneath the blanket. The door disappeared immediately behind them. They remained silent until they were safely behind Rosalina's painting.

"That really was a good first meeting," Zelda noted, sounding satisfied as she collapsed into her usual chair by the fire- it was late enough that just about everyone else had gone to bed.

"Dang straight!" Link nodded happily. "One of my later arrows caught Zelda's glove and pinned it to the wall!"

"Oh, one time!" Zelda objected. "Compared to the four dozen or so times I got _you_..."

"No, no, negatory, I got you _four_ times, at least!"

"Only if you count the time where you tripped and _knocked_ me over!"

"Hey, up against a starman, anything goes, right?"

Mario tuned them out- just the usual bickering, no need to worry too much. Besides, he had much more important things on his mind- like how Pauline had said he made her nervous...

 _XXXX_

*Honestly, I don't find Navi all that annoying- or annoying at all, truth be told- but when a video game parody series has gone on as long as this one, it's kind of expected you make some sort of derogatory reference towards her at _some_ point, and with the whole sound-based humor coming into play, things were too perfect to _not_ do something like this.

 _Man,_ this was a fun chapter to write. Seriously, I just sat down for a quick writing session, completely blank writing program, thought I'd get a page or two in, then before I knew it, the whole thing was finished and ready to post! Hope you guys enjoy this one as much as I enjoyed writing it! As usual, to let me know, please R&R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	20. Random Quicky: Zelda Writes an Essay

Gamer4 in. Alright, trying yet another new thing today- partly because I'm strapped for time, and partly because I am, bluntly, putting off the next chapter as long as possible, I thought today's chapter could be a random quicky. Like I said a couple chapters back, for my Halloween Horror-thon, one of my chosen horror series was Marble Hornets, which, in addition to many scares, also put me in the mood to watch some of that group's other work- namely, their other Youtube channel, Troy Has a Camera, filled with a large number of comedic videos to counterbalance the fact that these guys basically created the Slender Man as he exists today. Some of those shorts, I couldn't help but feel, would translate fantastically into random quickies, so I thought I'd translate the first of them and see how you guys feel about it- based on your reactions, I may or may not turn a few more into random quickies. This ought to be a pretty brief chapter- just some quick comic relief, since things have been getting so serious lately- but let's dive on in nonetheless!

Disclaimer: Meanwhile, Lenin read the book of Marx, the quartet practiced in the park, and we sang dirges in the dark the day the music died!

Random Quicky

Zelda Writes an Essay

Zelda sighed in contentment, leaning back in her bed, using the wall to prop herself up as she opened up her laptop on her... lap. On the _top_ of her lap. Because, you know, it was a lap _top._ With all the other girls out and about outside the dorm, all her homework done, and the next meeting of the SOM Brigade on everyone's schedule, she was seizing the opportunity to do some _real_ work, typing out the title of what was sure to be her masterpiece- _**Thoughts on Liberating the Yoshis of the World from the Yoke of Tyrrany- A paper by Zelda Hyrule, head of Saving Our Yoshis By Lending 'Em Net Tweezers.**_

Wow, that was good- yeah, she was genius, she knew it. But now... where to begin? Looking furtively around, she brought up the internet browser and began examining pictures of yoshis on Google Images, hoping that inspiration might strike- or at least, that was what she was doing until she got distracted by the newest update to Bloon Tower Defense.

As she popped her thirteenth wave of bloons, she heard a voice calling up from the hub. That was odd, she should be mostly alone. "Zelda..." it spoke faintly. "Zelda... Zelda!"

Recognizing the voice, she closed her eyes for a second before peering out the door and seeing a young man standing at the bottom of the stairs. "Zelda- Zelda!"

She shook her head and returned her attention to the game. Losing interest, she switched over to Cookie Clicker.

...

"Zelda... Zelda!"

There he was again, leaning against the railing on the middle of the stairs. Zelda sighed- while she had no objections to the fact that the Master Hand had finally gotten around to fixing the stairs _per se,_ it did leave a lot of open room for her fellow Nintendoes to pester her. No, cookie clicker wasn't holding her interest either... a few clicks later, the Fairy Tail manga was up on her laptop's screen, and she was clicking through the pages.

"Zelda... Zelda!"

She didn't bother looking this time- though if she had, she'd have seen the young man peering down at her from the ceiling above the stairs, his feet locked in place by some strange twist of gravity. Instead, she clicked over to the next chapter, chuckling at Natsu's latest antics.

"Zelda," the voice said, closer than ever, finally prompting her to glance out of the corner of her eye, spying Link Faron standing just outside the door to the dorm, staring at her, speaking in a monotone Mario would be proud of. "Hey, hey, Zelda. I'm bored. Want to go to Kurain? Want to go to Kurain with Mario? Or maybe Luigi? We could go to Kurain with Luigi. We could get detention. Grab some blankets from that one store. We could go to Crazy's- get some soda." Link remained oblivious to Zelda's frustration even as she gently reached over and began to close the door. "Want to get some soda, Zelda? We could go to Crazy's- he'd probably make us some sod-" *Click.*

Zelda sighed, rubbing her eyes furiously with her wrists. What was she doing? Oh, yeah, she was supposed to be writing her world-changing essay on freeing yoshis. Where was she conducting her research again? Oh, yeah, Chuggaaconroy's Youtube channel- that made perfect sense. She started up the Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon playlist, and watched contentedly as she watched her friend trek through the darkened halls of several mansions...

*Tap, tap. Tap, tap.*

Zelda closed her eyes, slowly turning to the direction of the tapping before opening them. Sure enough, Link was clinging onto the window from the outside- she didn't even want to know how he'd gotten out there. "Zelda, hey! Hey, Zelda! I'm out here, now!"

He seemed to get excited when she stood up, only for his face to fall as she reached out and closed the curtains, blocking him from sight. Shaking her head, she turned to her laptop. Didn't he realize how important this paper was? It was quite possibly the most important thing she'd ever do in her life- even more than the Brigade!

...Which was why, when she got her laptop woken up again, her first instinct was to look up Chuggaaconroy on TVTropes and begin flicking through various people's guesses about what his next LP would be.

"He's giving you quite a bit of trouble, isn't he?"

Zelda jumped at the unfamiliar voice, looking wildly around for the source. "He won't let you get any work done, hm?" Sensing her alarm, the voice chuckled lightly. "Please don't be afraid, Zelda- I know I don't talk a lot- which _is_ strange, considering how much I have to say."

Zelda looked wildly around the room, causing the voice to sigh. "No, Zelda, down here." She cast her eyes down to the ground, where she saw... Simba. Her meowth. "Yes, Zelda, it's me," he nodded, which was strange, considering his mouth didn't seem to be moving. "So, I repeat myself- is he bothering you? Keeping you from getting your work done?" Zelda stared, feeling truly speechless for once. "Well, I may have a solution," Simba seemed to grin conspiratorially. "A simple thing, really- I have the tools to do it right here."

Zelda's eyes widened as Simba pawed at the gun lying on the floor in front of him. "It will be so easy," Simba assured her. "Just wait for him to come back to the door... and shoot him. That should... send him the message." A light chuckle. Zelda stared, still finding it difficult to believe even as she reached out, picked up the gun, and checked the ammunition. Simba was right... this _was_ the best way...

"Once he's gone, you can finish your project," Simba smiled. "And then, we- just you and I- can go to Kurain."

Zelda's eyes widened as a knocking sounded off on the door behind her. "Zelda... hey, hey, Zelda!"

She turned, and, in two quick motions of her hands, opened the door, raised the gun, and pulled the trigger.

 _XXXX_

... Huh. I just realized Zelda doesn't actually _say_ anything this time around. And this is a _real_ quick random quicky- less than three full pages on my writing program. I half-feel like I jipped you guys, so I'll do my best to get the next full chapter up later this week, maybe next week if I'm being _really_ lazy. If you're strapped for things to do in the meantime, feel free to check out Troy Has A Camera- it's a hilarious channel on Youtube, just about every video makes me bust out laughing, definitely worth a visit.

Oh, and before I forget, a quick answer to Sammael29- yes, the Dry Bones _is_ venomous in this story- much like in certain installments of the RPGs. I'm pretty sure it's Paper Mario that introduced that idea, but I don't know for certain off the top of my head... anyways, until next time, please R&R, constructive criticism and questions embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	21. The Crushing, Ruinous Defeat

Gamer4 in. Well, between the nice walk I just took, having seen Fabls again for the first time in six months, and having a cold can of my favorite flavor of Mountain Dew at my side for the first time in even longer, I'm happy enough now to dampen my spirits with this chapter. Enough putting it off- let's just dive right in. I know I'm usually more enthusiastic than this, but... well, you'll see. If you haven't guessed already.

Disclaimer: We were singin' "Bye, bye, Ms. American Pie! Drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry! Them good ol' boys was drinkin' whisky and rye, singin' 'This'll be the day that I die... this'll be the day that I die...'"

Chapter XIX

The Crushing, Ruinous Defeat

"Come on, come on, we almost be dere..."

"G...G... Goriiiii..."

"He be wit us, buddy, we almost dere- me already be seein' it out da corner my eyes!"

"L...l...l... _looooooooooove!"_

XXXX

"Nice going, Zelda, very nice going," Mario grumbled.

"I already said I was sorry!" Zelda objected. "It seemed like a good idea at the time!"

" _Shooting Link_ seemed like a good idea?! Do you have any idea what you've done?!"

"No, I don't," Zelda crossed her arms. "What, pray tell, have I done, exactly?"

Mario struggled, at a loss for words for a moment, before simply shaking his head, reaching up to wrench off the NERF dart attached to his forehead. Around it was a piece of paper upon which were inscribed the words _Leave me the smeg alone!_ "Give me a minute, I'm sure I'll think of something..."

Link, meanwhile, was rolling on the floor laughing. "Now _that_ is entertaining!" he chortled. "Glad you took that bullet for me, buddy!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Mario muttered. "See if I ever knock on your door to let you know about my plans for the Brigade again... where did you even get this idea?"

"Simba told me to do it," Zelda shrugged. "And gave me the gun, too," she added, producing the NERF revolver in question.

Mario stared, then shook his head. "Whatever- you're just lucky I'm so happy with the way the Brigade is going right now..."

And indeed he was, said the Narrator, glad to finally be getting a word in edgewise. The knowledge of the steps he and the others were taking to defy Fassad was forming a sort of shield around him, and impenetrable barrier that none of Fassad's drilling speeches could begin to pierce. The fact that Fassad seemed to half-realize that something was keeping Mario safe from those speeches, allowing him to smile no matter what levels of bull the faux-Arab brought up against him, but had no proof and no way of pinning him for it just made him feel even better. He'd long since traded out the cover of Anita Sarkeesian's crud-dripping text with his own notebook, allowing him to actually make use of Protection from the Evils classes writing down bits and pieces about what was going on during meetings, fragments of plans for upcoming meetings, and definite notes of turning points among the students- Luigi steadily climbing the ranks, almost Magikarp-like in how he started off at the bottom of the ladder, and yet had managed to defeat Lucina in single combat a meeting or two ago... Saria's rising skill in taking out the stalfos doll, to the extent that they'd had to ask the Debug Room for a new one... Pichu managing to fire off a lightning bolt without causing damage to himself at _last..._

The thought, incidentally, _had_ occurred to him that things would be disastrous should Fassad get his hands on this book, to which end he had Zelda put a spell on it- if Fassad looked at it, it simply looked like a copy of that ridiculous book with Mario's notes all over it- not saying anything Fassad would approve of, but nothing incriminating either.

The most difficult thing about the Brigade was sorting out dates to meet that fit everyone's schedules- with members from all four groups, there were quite a few different timetables to accommodate. While this _was_ a good thing- like he'd said earlier, it made it more difficult for anyone watching to work out exactly what was going on- it also came with the detriment that... well, they could hardly all be seen interacting too often, lest Fassad become suspicious. As was wont to happen, it was Zelda who'd come up with the solution- their third meeting found her handing out what appeared to be bottles of soda, but were, on closer inspection, filled only with color-dyed water. "These are very special bottles," she explained. "Those numbers under the barcodes- I have the ability to change them, and whenever Mario works out when the next meeting will happen, he'll tell me, and I'll change the numbers on mine. I managed to use a special spell on these bottles- the numbers on one change, they all change- all to show you what date the next meeting is!"

"How will we know they've changed?" Lucas asked, eyes wide as he examined what appeared to be a bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper.

"There'll be a splashing sound, and the color will change," Zelda explained. "The splash should be quiet enough that only you can hear it, if you're carrying it around, but keep an eye on the color, just to be on the safe side."

A long silence followed, eventually broken by Klavier Gavin. "This... this is some extremely advanced smashing, baby... as in, the kind of thing that most wouldn't be doing until Junior Year, advanced."

"Well, yeah, I guess..." Zelda blushed.

"I find it rather... _interesting..._ that you didn't find yourself in Retro," Tharja murmured, drumming her long nails against her bottle of Pitch Black Mountain Dew. Mario struggled not to take the opportunity to ask which group, exactly, the dark sorceress was from.

"Well, actually, the FLUDD considered it," Zelda shrugged. "But I told it I was more interested in Nintendo, and- well, I don't know, I guess it just made a concession for me."

Now _that,_ Mario found interesting- Zelda had never told him this. That story was surprisingly familiar- albeit with Sierra instead of Retro...

XXXX

One meeting, probably their sixth or seventh, Mario regretfully informed the Brigade that they were going on hiatus- after a heated debate between himself and Kumatora, he'd eventually agreed that Smash-Up was more immediately important. For the most part, they understood- the Smash-Up circuit this year was more rife with intrigue than ever before, considering it had been passed over the previous year. Retro and Hal had as much riding on this first match as Nintendo and Sierra did- after all, they'd eventually be playing the victor as well. Several of the teachers were struggling to conceal their own biases, but they were still apparent to a close enough observer- after all, Samus Aran didn't pass over giving her students homework without raising an eyebrow or two. While she'd initially given an excuse regarding something about tensions riding high at the moment, she'd also pulled Mario aside. "I've given you the time, now it's up to you to use it wisely, Mario," she spoke, dead serious. "I've gotten accustomed to seeing that trophy in my office- I don't want to hand it over to Wolf, you hear?"

As for Wolf himself... well, what did you expect? At least Samus was trying to be subtle about things- Wolf had never minded making his prejudices known far and wide- he'd been reserving the Smash-Up stadium so often that, despite her pushing for ever more frequent practices, it was getting harder and harder for Kumatora to get them into the ring. Whenever they _were_ out there, Mario kept feeling like he was being watched, turning to see a strange student he didn't recognize quickly vanishing- the only feature he could capture was a deep blue hair that put him in mind of Lucina- but it couldn't be, the rest of the build was all wrong, and besides, Lucina didn't seem to shift spontaneously between male and female, while Robin's hair was white. Mario didn't know if he was going insane, or what- though, of course, he felt he'd been steadily sliding into madness ever since leaving that old shack with Crazy five years ago.

The mysterious figure aside, Mario felt pretty optimistic about Nintendo's chances- everyone was on top form, and they had yet to actually lose a match to the Sierra team as was. True, Link was never going to top Captain Falcon- not that anyone ever could- but when he was at top form, he was a close second.

But that was the problem- when he was at top form. Yeah, he could block goal after goal from Yukiko, Paula, and even Kumatora when he was really on top of things- however, all it took was one mistake to sap him of his confidence, and he was missing every single shot from everyone for the rest of the practice. That said, when he _was_ concentrating properly, some of the saves he'd made had been compared to some of the plays by defenders in the Smash-Up Grand Prix.

Mario had been biting his nails as Halloween drew closer and closer- there had yet to be a Halloween at the Smash Mansion that things _didn't_ go terribly awry at- snorlaxes breaking into the school, the Dungeon of Secrets opening, a crazed killer attacking Rosalina, and his friendship with Link almost being irreparably damaged. However, he breathed a sigh of relief as he woke up on All Soul's Day, as nothing remotely bad had happened the previous night- unless one counted the early afternoon, during which he'd been shot in the forehead by Zelda using a NERF gun, apparently under the impression that he was Link, and the aftermath of which has already been shown.

So, finally, we claw our way back to the starting line- early November, during which Earth made it very clear that it was tilting the mansion _away_ from the sun now- the skies were perpetually gray, rain and sleet became an increasingly common occurrence, and Mario began to long for those days gone by in which Crazy would float around the lawn with a giant pair of earmuffs on. Most students were donning heavier and heavier clothes- and by 'most students,' we mean 'students that weren't a mustachioed pyromancer or his closest friends.'

At long last, the day of the match arrived. Mario awoke from a good night's sleep, only to find Link at the dorm window, looking as though he was seriously considering breaking the glass and leaping out. Mario gently reached out and patted him on the shoulder before climbing into his clothes. "I know it'll be difficult, buddy, but try to force something down at breakfast, a'ight? You won't do anyone any favors if you go out there with low blood sugar."

"I... I'll try..." Link forced out, gagging on the words.

The Dining Hall was much rowdier than normal- every student seemed to be yelling praise or abuse at the team of their choice. Mario's first instinct was to push Link as far away from Sierra as possible, but he got distracted when he caught another glimpse of that strange blue-haired student, skulking around at that very table. By sheer instinct, he moved towards him/her/ he couldn't even tell at this point, Link trailing behind, unwilling to leave his friend's side at the moment. Mario only stopped when he was distracted by what appeared to be rapping- very _bad_ rapping, but rapping nonetheless. He only caught a few words- "Link Faron, 2012!"

Whatever the flip that meant, it couldn't be good, not coming from the Sierras- he grabbed Link's shoulders and, all thoughts of the blue-haired kid forgotten, steered him back towards the Nintendo table where, to his surprise, Luigi waited, looking just as pale and shaken as Link did.

"Why, why did I ever think I could..." both green-clad boys spoke at the same time- Mario looked back and forth in confusion at the stereo gloom coming at him. Focusing on the problem he was actually familiar with, he slid Link some cheerios- not super flavorful, but potentially easier on an upset stomach- along with some milk and ginger ale. "Relax- everyone here's on your side."

"Which will make it even worse when I let them down," Link muttered hopelessly, pouring some cheerios into a bowl, grabbing the milk, filling a glass, and finally pouring ginger ale all over his cereal. Oblivious to Mario wincing, he grabbed a spoon and took his first bite of ginger-ale-soaked cheerios, simply sighing as he chewed and swallowed.

"You're not _going_ to let them down," Mario spoke firmly. "Didn't you hear Kirby and Meta the other day? You're even starting to impress _them,_ and they don't impress easily!"

"Through a bunch of flukes," Link shook his head hopelessly. "When we go out there, it'll be the real thing..."

"I know this'll sound weird coming from me," came a new voice, drawing their attention to the approaching Peach and Zelda, both in their 'Nintendo-team-fan' uniforms, "but come on, Link, you're selling yourself short! It's just nerves talking!"

"Exactly," Zelda agreed. "I mean, nerves are healthy to an extent, but don't let them fool you into thinking you've got nothing to offer!"

At long last, Luigi glanced up, only to let out a strangled yelp and dive under the table. Mario and Zelda exchanged confused looks, before their eyes caught Melia Antiqua approaching, and... wow. "Good morning," she greeted them, formal as ever- completely at odds with the bizarre mish-mash of red and gold that was her clothing- complete with a lion's tail protruding from her rear end, a mane around her neck, and cat ears atop her head.

"Um... Melia, what exactly..." Mario stammered, not even sure how to ask.

"I'm supporting Nintendo," she explained.

Mario closed his eyes. "Yeah, that's... that's the message I was getting. Why the- how- why would- you know what, never mind."

"Never mind indeed," Melia nodded. "As long as I'm getting the message across, I am satisfied. Anyways, has anyone seen Luigi?"

Mario felt a tugging at his leg and glanced down to see Luigi fervently shaking his head from side to side. Focusing back on Melia, he shook his head as well. "Sorry, no- haven't seen him since we got up."

"Pity," Melia shrugged. "And after he asked me if I would like to be friends with him... I had something important to speak with him about. Anyways, good luck, Link Faron- may the forefathers of the High Entia grace you on the Smash-Up field today."

Everyone stared as she strode off, seemingly off to speak to Klavier Gavin, a few benches down, who smiled and showed something off on his shoulder. Shaking his head, Mario turned back to Luigi. "What was all that about, Lu?"

"She scares me," Luigi trembled as he climbed back into his seat.

"She's not scary," Peach stared. "She's one of the sweetest people in the mansion!"

"Yeah, but... I don't know... what if..." Luigi continued trembling.

"Leave him be, Peach," Mario shook his head, caressing Luigi's shoulder gently. "Leave him be."

"Hey, guys, ready to play?" That was Paula- a quick turnaround revealed her and Yukiko standing there, the latter looking about as nervous as Link. "Kumatora wants us down on the field ASAP- something about taking stock of the situation."

"Alright, go ahead, tell her we'll be there," Mario nodded. "Just need to get something in Link's stomach..."

Paula nodded and led Yukiko away, but a few minutes later, Mario finally surrendered- past that first bite of Ginger-os, Link simply refused to take anything else into his digestive system. Sighing, Mario stood, tapped him on the shoulder, and led him out of the hall, passing Melia speaking quietly with Lucas Ikari, who was giving a faint smile and showing off something on the back of his hand.

All the leaves were brown, and the skies were grey. It was bracing to Mario, going for a walk on a Winter's day. Link looked like he was ready to stop into a church they passed along the way, you know, to get down on his knees and begin to pray. But he didn't- okay, receiving death threats from Mario if I continue waxing lyrical (been a while since _that_ last happened) so we'll continue with the story proper.

By the time they arrived in the locker rooms, Kumatora was already giving her pre-match pep talk- a talk that sounded suspiciously similar to the ones that Captain Falcon was always giving.

"Glad to see you, Mario," she nodded curtly as they entered. "Alright, so, I've finally got the list of students on Vaati's team this year. Looks pretty much the same as last year- only changed out the brawlers, given that Gangrel and Walhart both took off for greener pastures. They've been replaced by two students named... Ganondorf and Wario. Don't know much about them- but I'm guessing Mario does?" she added, glancing at where Mario was doubled over, struggling to keep the laughter inside. Some of the color was even restored to Link's face.

"Oh, yeah, those two and us go _waaaaaay_ back," Mario nodded, still shaking with repressed mirth- he didn't want Kumatora to think he considered this an excuse to slack off. "Don't worry, they just got onto the team through the same nepotism as usual- they're Bowser's cronies."

"So we don't have much to worry about?" Kumatora crossed her arms.

"No more than we would from Gangrel and Walhart," Mario shrugged. "If you could outwit them, you'll outdo those two just fine."

From outside, they could hear the sound of Teddy Ellay preparing to give his usual commentary. Kumatora glanced up. "Alright, guys, it's go-time," she spoke grimly. The team gathered behind her and followed her out.

On the field, they all mounted their karts and started them up. Across the field was the Sierra Team, Ganondorf and Wario already brandishing their super scopes threateningly. Vaati, Smash-Up captain for the past five years despite his apparent complete inability to pass Senior year (he should have graduated during Mario's second year) stood at the forefront, easily the shortest member of the team, flipping his long hair around, allowing it to catch the sunlight.

A cloud descended upon them- a cloud containing Coach Lakitu, the referee, who dropped a crate at their feet, opening it up and releasing the Smash Ball first and foremost. Next came the Chain Chomps, as the stadium around them morphed, several ramps appearing all over the place, some of which converged to form tunnels. One of the smaller stadiums Mario had seen, but he still had no doubt things were about to get hectic.

As he floated down to take the Smash-Up ball, Lakitu spoke. "Team captains, shake hands." Kumatora obligingly stepped forward and shook hands with Vaati, who gripped as hard as he could- but it didn't seem to have much effect on Kumatora, who simply squeezed right back.

Lakitu floated in the air, lowering a traffic light on a fishing line. The red light lit, then the yellow, then, at long last...

The green!

Everyone took off at once, Link heading for the goals, Yukiko and Paula bull rushing the Sierra team's offense in search of the Smash-Up ball, and the twin puffballs seeking out the chain chomps. Mario, meanwhile, aimed to avoid the action, simply keeping an eye out for that small, multicolored sphere.

"Alright, off to a great start, first Smash-Up match since that heartstopping finale a couple years back. Right of the bat, Yukiko Amagi grabs the Smash-Up ball- very attractive, ain't I right, fellas? Sixth year at this mansion, third year of me asking her out, and she still doesn't even recognize that that's what I'm asking!"

"Teddy Ellay, you will give accurate commentary for once in your life this match, or so help me-"

"Come on, Ms. Aran, whatcha got against trivia? Makes the match more interesting! Alright, alright, fine... anyways, Ganondorf seems to have gotten off a shot at her- that chomp had to hurt. Vaati's got the ball, taking off the other way- another chomp, this time from Kirby Faron- great guy, really great guy, he and I go way back- Paula Polestar snags the ball, takes off back past the field."

Mario listened as close to the commentary as he could without losing sight of his mission- he had to find that Smash Ball.

"She is tearing up the field out there- what do you expect, though, she's one of the oldest members of the team! And what's that? Is that a cheer I hear? Mayhap I should lend an ear!"

Chuckling at his rhyme, he kicked back the commentary to listen in to the chanting coming mainly from Sierra's end of the stadium- the extremely poor rapping Mario had noted earlier.

 _Link Faron, 2012!_

 _Yeah, he is the baddest of them all!_

 _If you're on the rival team, then he don't mess with y'all!_

 _He may not get the girls, 'cause he ain't very tall,_

 _but he'll let the offense in when they come to call!_

"And Paula tosses the ball to Kumatora!" Teddy raised his voice. Mario froze- so _that_ was what that rapping was about. Not only were they ripping someone else off, but they were doing it purely to spite Link. "Kumatora's got a clear shot, only the defense between her and the goal- she shoots, she- _smeg!_ "

Kumatora made her shot, but the defense managed to swat the ball out of the air, knocking it into Vaati's hands. Sierra had a field day-

 _Losers, morons, and wollywogs galore!_

 _I don't even want to leave the hub no more!_

 _Some of the lamest things we've ever seen!_

 _You know what we mean- Nintendo!_

Mario groaned- now they weren't even bothering to keep the rhyme scheme. He turned, heart beating in his throat as the ball drew closer and closer to Link- and went right past him into the goal.

"Link misses, Sierra scores," Teddy groaned. "Twenty-love to Sierra. Bad luck there, Link..."

Not if Sierra had anything to say about it:

 _He's Link flipping Faron, the worst defense ever!_

 _He's so darn cool, said no one ever!_

 _But we think you're our hero, and our offense does too!_

 _Faron, if you want, just let in all our crew!_

Mario was in physical pain- they'd just rhymed a word with itself. Focusing his fury, he took off once more in search of the Smash Ball. That said, it wasn't easy to block out the sounds of terrible rapping still coming from Sierra.

 _It's a fight to the finish, a battle the death!_

 _The only one who leaves is the last one left!_

 _He's the worst of the worst, the lamest of the lame,_

 _Link Faron will make sure Sierra takes this game!_

Two whole lines ripped verbatim from the original song. Mario's blood was truly beginning to boil.

"Vaati's got the ball, gets taken out by Kirby- or Meta, he's not wearing his headband today, I can't tell- he drops it, Paula rushes up and- also drops it... Vaati's poised to strike again, it's on you, Link!"

 _Faron, a koopa could dance better than you!_

 _Betcha you don't know two plus two!_

 _It's four, it's four, now go and shut the door!_

 _No one wants to see your face no more!_

Mario didn't dare look again, lest he get distracted from his objective again, but he didn't to- the groan from Nintendo's supporters told him everything he needed to know. Teddy- "Forty-jack, Sierra..."

Mario shook his head. They were still in it to win it. He'd known this team to recover from much worse than this.

But as the score shifted to seventy-thirty, favor Sierra, his confidence began to drain. Then again, an extra fifty points- catching the Smash Ball now could still tilt things in their favor...

Eventually, inevitably, Vaati ended up with the ball again, and was ready to take Link on for another goal. There came another song-

 _Weaker than a flail, slower than a snail,_

 _Got beat up by everybody in jail!_

 _Faron, go ahead, try and punch me!_

 _Your arm is so weak, you'll say 'Ow! You crunched me!'_

But Mario was breathing a sigh of relief- finally time for those stupid songs to end- he'd seen the Smash Ball, albeit at the opposite end of the stadium. Either way, time to end this. He turned and took off towards it, Bowser hot on his tail. He had to be quick- if Vaati scored, it was all over...

But he didn't. The next second, the Smash Ball was in his hand, Bowser letting out a roar of fury as his claws scraped at the back of Mario's hand. Mario turned and took off away from him. Finally, it was over- Kumatora would probably give Link an earful, but in the long run, it didn't matter, nobody else cared, not as long as Nintendo won-

 _*WHACK!*_

Ganondorf had done Mario the pleasure of doing a drive-by- and whacking him in the back of the head with the butt of his super scope as he did so. With Ganondorf's strength behind it, he toppled out of his kart, which immediately began to slow as it took off away from him, eventually coming to a stop next to a nearby ramp. Mario, meanwhile, could already feel the loony-toons style lump forming on his head. Through the haze of pain, he could hear the outrage coming from everybody in the stands. Then, a voice- Kumatora's.

"You alright there?"

"Yeah- though, Kumatora, I have to ask- when did you get two twin sisters?"

Kumatora gave a slight chuckle. "Very funny. Come on, you've taken worse than this before."

"Unfortunately," Mario grumbled, accepting Kumatora's shoulder.

"Yeah," Kumatora shrugged. "Never really considered the effects that saving the world on a yearly basis had on Smash-Up skills. Well, whatever- we won!"

"Exaggeratin' a bit there, aintcha, homy?" came a very displeased-sounding voice, drawing their attention to a nearby Bowser Dragmire. "Good thing it wasn't up to Faron, or we'd be at the head of the Circuit right now, ain't it so? How'd you like my songs?"

"You mean Froggy Fresh's songs?"* Mario snarled.

"He was just a creative consultant," Bowser shrugged.

"Yeah, the way J.K. Rowling is a creative consultant to Gamer4," Kumatora snarled back, leaving Bowser momentarily stunned. "Come on, Mario, let's get going."

"It's just a shame nothing rhymes with hideous- otherwise we could have brought his mother into it!" Bowser called out.

"Y'see? No he's stooping to Yo Mama jokes," Kumatora pointed out.

"Same for 'complete failure'- though I guess going after his old man _would_ kinda be low-hangin' fruit!"

That was the point that a passing Kirby and Meta Knight heard what was going on- a truly ugly look spread over their faces.

"Stand down, you two," Kumatora ordered. "He's just a yipping dog at this point-"

"Oh, sorry 'bout that, Mario, I forgot you like those losers!" Bowser smirked. "Head over to their doggy den every chance you get, dontcha? Then again, you _were_ brought up by muggles- even their place must seem like paradise after that!"

At which the entire rest of the Smash-Up team united in holding back Kirby and Meta Knight- Mario and Kumatora holding back Meta, Paula and Yukiko holding back Kirby.

"Or could it be," Bowser spoke as an afterthought, "that it's guilt over what happened to that hairy ape last year? Yeah, the smell of their pigsty must remind you of that unevolved, idiotic gori-"

And there went his berserk button- Mario didn't care what happened, _nobody_ badmouthed the smasher who'd saved his life. He let go of Meta, causing Kumatora to lose her grip, and the two of them pounced on Bowser, even as Kumatora yelled for them to stop. Fire flew, a sword swung, Bowser was inhaled, spit out, and had his own flaming breath used against him, Mario punched several gold coins out of his long-time nemesis...

"CEASE AND DESIST!" came a frantic shout, Bowser's assailants were wrenched back by some sort of force around their middles- Coach Lakitu's fishing line. After a few more moments of flailing, he and Meta finally laid limp. Lakitu was raging, fury written into his face. "What in the name of Pac-Man?! What have you done?! I have never- this is above and beyond- Samus's office! Now!"

Mario and Meta glanced at each other, then at the field, and wordlessly did as Lakitu had ordered. Once they were out of earshot of the stadium, dead silence fell- neither spoke to the other. Mario felt something warm in his hand, and glanced down to see the Smash Ball still there, struggling for release from his hand- but he only clenched tighter.

They'd been sitting in Samus's office for approximately three nanoseconds before the door burst open with the force of a hurricane, Samus standing behind it with what seemed to be an ominous light about her- Mario could almost hear the ominous organ music playing as his eyes traced the pure, unadulterated _rage_ in her eyes. Taking a seat across from them, she spoke in a quiet voice that nonetheless adeptly conveyed her fury. "You have thirty seconds to improve my mood. Use them wisely."

Mario hung his head- he knew it in no way justified what they'd done, but it was all he _could_ say. "He- he provoked us."

"And you didn't expect that?!" Samus raged. "This is Bowser smegging Dragmire we're talking about- after he'd lost a Smash-Up match! What could he have possibly said to justify what you did?!"

"He insulted my parents, and Donkey Kong," Meta spoke shortly.

Samus faltered slightly on hearing Donkey Kong's name, but in the long run, it only cooled her down a degree or two- kind of like firing a squirt gun at the sun. "Despicable, of course, but nothing that couldn't have been left to Coach Lakitu! You turned the holy sanctuary of the Smash-Up field into a _battleground!"_

"Nwe-hem!"

Mario's heart failed- that sound was never followed by anything good. Slowly, he and Meta turned to face the doorway, where Fassad awaited, flashing a wide grin. "I believe I may be of assistance in this matter, my dear Ms. Aran."

If anything could have made Samus angrier, it was this. "No, Mr. Yokuba, I think I'm perfectly capable of handling my students on my own. As such, Mario, Meta, a week's worth of detentions each. And needless to say, if I ever- _what do you want, Fassad?!_ "

For he had once again made that crud-eating laugh. "Well, I just couldn't help but feel, Ms. Aran, that an infraction of this magnitude merits a punishment a tad above and beyond mere detention."

"Very helpful, thank you very much, I'll take it under advisement," Samus growled. "However, given that they're in my group- and you don't exactly have a group to be head of- that's all your opinion is worth in this situation."

"Perhaps," Fassad shrugged. One crud-eating grin later, he added, "Perhaps not. You see, a new rule has come out today, courtesy of Andrew- er, _Mr. President_."

"Oh, good, another rule," Samus grumbled.

"Indeed," Fassad nodded. "And this one is all thanks to you- after you went behind my back and had the Master Hand overrule me, I realized that a little more authority in my hands may be what this school needs. After all, you seem somewhat... _blind_ to the dangers of handing your students everything on a silver platter- just observe what happened when you forced me to allow the Nintendo Smash-Up team to continue playing! As such, from this day forward, all punishments, penalties, and other disciplinary actions for any problematic behavior- as well as the definition of what qualifies _as_ problematic- falls under _my_ purview. And, in my point of view, the penalty for this infraction should be no less than..."

Mario gazed hard at the floor, waiting for the blow to fall.

"... A lifetime ban from playing Smash-Up."

"What?!" Mario asked, eyes flying up- not even in his worst nightmares...

"Indeed, I think that a lifetime ban from ever setting hindquarters to kart seat will be just the bitter pill to keep something like this from happening. Should you ever play so much as two-player Smash-Up in a backyard, it will be within the government's power to arrest you and send you to Subspace without trial." Fassad grinned wider than ever. "I believe we should also extend this to the marshmallow's brother- after all, it is not for lack of trying he did not join in in that frightful display of toxic masculinity against poor Mr. Dragmire. But as for the rest- well, we'll see how well they get on without half of their team, shan't we?"

Fassad bowed lightly. "And with that, I bid you adieu." He began to laugh even as he left the room, leaving three truly stunned smashers in his wake. "Nwehehehehe... _nwehehehehehe..._ NWEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"

XXXX

"That's a load of _bull!_ " Peach raged upon hearing the news, channeling her inner Faron as she summoned a Dragonball Z scouter just to crush it in her hand. "And after what Ganondorf did?"

"Oh, don't worry, Ganondorf got punished," Yukiko spoke up, looking sulkier than ever. "Fassad gave him lines- Vaati was bragging about it at dinner."

Mario glanced out the window, the dreary rain perfectly matching his mood. There was a handful of colorful dust in his hand that had once been the Smash Ball- crushed into a fine powder when he'd been dealt this worst of all blows.

"I...I... I'm going to bed," Kumatora forced out. "If anyone hears a thumping from my room, followed by bleeding from under my mattress... do me a favor and just leave me to it."

Paula glanced up with concern as she watched her captain head upstairs. Looking at the others, she shook her head. "Leave her to me..."

One by one, everyone filtered out of the hub, until only Mario and Zelda were left, waiting for Link to reappear- he'd vanished after the match, and had yet to be seen by anyone since.

At long last, Rosalina's painting swung forward, and in came Link, soaking as much as if he'd been swimming in lake Delfino. He hadn't even bothered to change out of his uniform.

"Link!" Zelda jumped to her feet. "Where were you?"

"On a walk," Link muttered despondently, crossing to his chair and flopping down. "Mario... I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

"What for?" Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"For thinking I had any place on the Smash-Up team," Link shook his head. "I'm talking to Kumatora tomorrow- I'm going to resign."

"Don't do that," Mario shook his head. "If you do, Kumatora'll have to run trials for a new defender, too!"

"'Too?'" Link repeated, looking confused.

"Long story short, Kirby, Meta and I aren't allowed near karts- ever again."

The look on Link's face begged for the full story, so Mario gave it. Link sank lower and lower the more he heard. "No... this is... this is _my_ fault..."

"No, it's not," Mario shook his head, oblivious to Zelda rising to her feet, suddenly very interested with something outside the window. "Not unless you some how mind-controlling me into beating Bowser to a bloody pulp."

"Not directly," Link shook his head hopelessly. "But it was me who gave him the ammo to taunt you..."

"Nooooo, he'd have done it anyways."

Link sighed. "Say what you will, but I think this is legit the worst I've felt in my life."

"We should make a club," Mario muttered. "Start wearing leather jackets..."

When Zelda spoke up, her voice had an odd sort of glee in it- a tone that threw the two boys off immensely. "Well, I'll bet you five gold coins I can bring a smile to both your faces with just two words."

"Two words?" Mario asked skeptically. "Bet on."

"Alright, here we go," Zelda turned, counting the words on her hand. "Crazy's back."

 _XXXX_

*I direct you to a series of Youtube music videos by Froggy Fresh, previously known as Krispy Kreme. It may sound bad at first, but honestly, it comes off more as a parody of rapping than anything, and if you watch them through that lense, they're truly enjoyable.

Well, this chapter is dark- probably one of my least favorite in the series- but at least there's a faint light on the horizon! Next chapter, Crazy finally comes back! Yeah, finally! I've probably mentioned before that he's my favorite character to write for, and that still holds true. Needless to say, you can expect the next chapter soon (not as soon as this chapter, because seriously, one day? More than I ever thought possible from me!) But, at least by the end of next week. Hope you guys are looking forward to it as much as I am, and to let me know, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	22. Call of the Crazy Hand

Gamer4 in. 'I'm excited for the next chapter,' he says. 'It oughtta be up pretty soon,' he says. Screw writing, go play Pikmin and watch RWBY instead, he does. *Sigh.* Yeah, I dropped the ball, and dropped it _hard._ Just yesterday, I was at the theater watching _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them,_ a fantastic film in its own right, when something began nagging at my mind. _Isn't there something I was supposed to be- Oh, smeg!_ So, yeah, I'm just as horrified by this as you guys are. Maybe one day I'll whip myself into shape- if that other story I'm writing out is to ever come to fruition especially. Alright, no more delays, let's get started.

Disclaimer: Helter-skelter in the Summer swelter, birds flew off with a fallout shelter. Eight miles high, and falling faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

Chapter XX

Call of the Crazy Hand

With a flash, Mario had vanished, reappearing upstairs in a puff of rose petals. Sighing, he plucked them off of his clothing, grumbling something about the author feeling the need to include references to every new fandom he encountered, then, without further adieu, out came his blanket of invisibility, out came the Bomber's Guide to the Smash Mansion, and another puff of rose petals indicated his appearance back in the hub- the only person who'd moved faster than him was Link, though, in Mario's defense, Link didn't have quite as much to grab. From that point began an agonizing five minutes or so of waiting for Zelda before she finally descended the stairs, looking more like she'd dressed up for deep sea diving than for a simple walk across the lawn. "Move a little slower, why don't ya?" Mario grumbled, tapping his foot, crossing his arms, and tapping his shoulder.

"Well, it's cold out!" Zelda pointed out.

"And you've got a pyromancer in the group, how much warmth do you need?" Link countered. Mario cut them both off- the more time they argued up here, the less time they had to talk to Crazy. Their trip down through the mansion passed like a blur- the next thing Mario knew, they were plowing their way through the snow, Mario blasting fire ahead of them to form a trench through the deep, powdery substance. Link was the first to the door, and thus was the one to bang on said portal hard enough that they may as well have brought a battering ram.

"Alright, Crazy, open up, you've got some 'splainin' ta do!" Mario called out.

A chuckle came from the other side. "Mezies should be knowin', huh? Mez not getta be home tree seconds 'fore you be bangin' at da door!"

A wide smile passed between the three of them- reproachful as the words seemed, Crazy didn't have it in him to actually sound upset about it. A moment later, the door swung open, revealing the hand himself, and swiftly changing the trio's looks of joy to ones of horror. "Crazy- what happened?!" Zelda gasped.

Crazy recoiled slightly. "It not be nutting- nutting you gotsta be worryin' 'bout, k?"

"Nothing to worry about?" Link gaped. "Look at you!"

Crazy's glove was torn, tattered, and dirty. The rips in the fabric revealed the skin beneath- battered, bruised, bloody, insert other words that start with B that communicate a general sense that the old hand had clearly been through the wringer. Even his movement was less spastic than normal- indicating to Mario, at least, that either he was really down in the dumps or- more likely, considering his voice was just as insane as usual- his bones were broken and he was trying to keep tension off of them.

"Clearly, something happened," Mario knitted his brow in concern. He'd have crossed his arms, but both hands were currently busy trying to keep Crazy's dog Zoey from tackling him to the ground.

"Nope, nutting- dis just be da usual wearntear uvva Wildlife Manager! Mez be guessin' youz wantda sodas?"

"That would be nice, yeah," Link nodded, before returning to the offensive. "But don't try to give us that 'everything's fine' bull! We'd have noticed if you were this banged up any time for the past five years!"

"Look, Crazy," Zelda spoke up, intending on being the voice of reason, "even if you don't want to tell us, at least go to Nurse Tessie- this is serious!"

"No needsta worry- everyting be bein' unda control," Crazy shook himself, doing his best to sound soothing. "Sees? Mez even gotta dis here special power-up- Matta Hand send it outta me. Comin' from da meat ofa Burrowin' Snagret. Brudda lookin' outfur me, everyting gonna be just fine."

Mario wasn't truly confident- that meat didn't look quite as healthy as the average McDonald's chicken McNugget (McTasty), but he raised no objection as Crazy began to chow down- though he still couldn't detect any noticeable mouth.

A suspicion was starting to take hold of Mario, and a quick glance at Link and Zelda showed that they were steadily coming to the same conclusion. "So," Mario began, "how did the rendevous with the ancients go?"

Crazy coughed, spewing out some of the chewed-up snagret meat. "Whattda- howyou be knowin' 'bout dat?!"

"We didn't know for sure," Link shook his head, "but thanks for confirming it."

Crazy choked. "Gah! You tree always be gettin inta da tings you not sposed be gettin 'volved in... it getcha into trouble one dese days..."

"Believe me, it already has," Mario smirked- an action he felt was okay, once again based on the hand's tone over his actual words.

"So you and Ammy went out looking for the ancients, huh?" Link prompted.

Crazy sighed heavily as he produced four glasses of his mansion-famous soda. "Oh, alrights. Yeah, da two of us be headin' out for da ancient cities. Two, dat is- Yamato, over 'n Japan, n' Termina, down in Antarctica."

"Pretty cold, then, huh?" Link raised his eyebrows, shooting a 'first-world-problems' glare over at Zelda.

"Like you no be believin," Crazy shook his head. "Dere be talks 'bout headin' down teh R'lyeh, but brudda be 'cidin' dat bringing dose guys out not be good eitha side- best be lettin' sleepin' dogs lie. Tings go pretty well at Yamato- old friendsa Ammy, always be endin' wit 'asu,' we be feelin' pretty good we getta Termina, but den- well, you no needs know 'bout dat."

"Ah, come on, don't be like that!" Link objected. "Tell you what- a story for a story- you tell us what went down with the ancients, and Mario will tell you what happened with the floows!"

"Floows?!" Crazy burst, sounding horrified. "What be goin' on wit da floows?!"

"You didn't know?" Zelda asked, somewhat crestfallen- she'd been on the verge of chastising Link for offering Crazy a story he probably already knew.

"Ammy n' me be completely off da grid da whole time be huntin' ancients! Floows?!"

"And then there was a whole debacle with the government," Mario nodded, "but like Link said, story for a story, how 'bout?"

Crazy sighed in resignation. "You tree gonna be deatha me... alrights. Me n' Ammy head out soon summer start. Go true Japan, see her friends, den south we goes. She be great help- she know what up. Over da hill, under da hill, n' all in between- it quite da trip."

"Why did you have to hoof it?" Link asked. "I mean, trying to rally the ancients, that's got to be pretty important- why not teleport, use a whir-gate- something?"

"Dat no be on da table," Crazy shook himself again, helping himself to more snagret meat. "Not wit da starmen n' government ridin' our butts."

He paused, as though expecting the three of them to be surprised by the news that the government was their enemy- only to end up being surprised himself when they nodded in understanding. "Oh, we know all about the government by now- trust us," Mario spoke grimly. "Anyways, on with the story."

Crazy shook off his confusion and continued. "Well, 'nyways, we not necessarily gotsta walk da whole way, but we gotsta be subtle 'bout what we do. Wez never spend so much time as humans 'fore. But dem be da breaks, y'know? No be wantin' ta give da government no bullets ta fire at us- drivin', walkin, keepin' off da road often as we could... serious Lord da Rings goin' on. Finally, get ta Antarctica, n' dat where we _hadta_ be usin' powers- not much udda way ta get ta Termina, up dere on Leng. Once we be gettin' up ta Leng, doe, strict no-powas prohibition- ancients no like smashas, we not wanta make first impression like dat- 'specially bad case dere be any starmen 'round."

"But you found them?" Zelda prompted.

"Not dat difficult ta find- da smallest ancient dere was Celosia, even she be good 15 feet so... biggest one be clockin' in 'round twenty, thirty meters."

"That's... pretty big," Mario nodded. "How many were there?"

"Dat part da world, we lookin' at sixty- eighty- m'be ninety 'r so."

"That seems... small," Zelda noted. "From what I've heard, ancients used to live together in the hundreds."

"Dey used," Crazy nodded. "But not no more. Tings really be goin' downhill fur dem after da wars- smashers kill plenty on deir own, not get no better when all dem be forced togetha, no regard fur da cultas, dif'rent ways tinkin'- one ancient da same as any udda to lotsa smashas."

"So you found them, then...?" Mario prompted.

"Well, you gotsta make good first 'pression, begin wit- we not go in da dark of da night, send all da wrong signals- so we gotsa wait tree weeks 'fore sun finally rise over dat icy place... den we goes down ta meet wit da Big Boss- da High Priest- da Royal Kilimanjaro- da-"

"The leader, yeah, yeah, we get it," Mario interrupted before Crazy got off on a tangent completely.

"Yeah, da leader," Crazy huffed in a 'you're-no-fun' kind of way. "Dere used be four clans up dere at Leng, but afta so many be dyin', dere only 'nuff left support one, so dere only one leada we be 'ppeasin'- big blue squiddy go by da name-a Ulyaoth. Say he be da godda knowledge- n' he definitely be da most ela- ello- ellabellallelly..."

"Eloquent?" Zelda suggested.

"Yeah, dat- of dem all. Mez feel me can actully holda convorsation wit him, t'least. He right da middle da clan camp, spinnin' 'round, floatin'. Sensed us comin' mile 'r two 'way, but he 'least be nice 'nuff keep da udda ancients offa us 'til he hear us out."

"So, what exactly can a smasher offer an ancient?" Link wondered.

Crazy chuckled. "Funny 'nuff, Ulyaoth be askin' da same zact ting- den we be showin' him da gift brudda be offerin'- da Fiah Emblem."

"The- the- thththththththth-the _Fire Emblem?_ " Zelda gasped. "The Master Hand offered the ancients the _Fire Emblem?_ "

"The flip's a fire emblem?" Link asked, uncomprehending.

"Not _a_ fire emblem, _the_ Fire Emblem!" Zelda sounded truly exasperated. "Haven't you been paying attention in-"

"Andonuts's class?" Mario and Link guessed, gazing at her with half-closed eyes and their arms crossed.

"Oh, right... the Fire Emblem was a royal treasure of the Halidom of Ylisse! It enabled mortals and ancients to communicate, transfer power and- other things! It was only used once or twice in recorded history, so nobody really knows for sure... the point is, the Master Hand was staking a _lot,_ offering it to them!"

"He be tryin' communicate goodly 'mounta trust to dem, yeah," Crazy agreed. "'Course, dey go 'round misusin' it, me tink brudda got fallback plan, but no need bring it up dem- no need sour da relation we buildin'. It be gettin' us his good grace, dat be fur sure- he say we be welcome back da next day, we promise come back wit sumtin else."

"You couldn't negotiate that day?" Zelda asked, surprised.

"Matta Hand be predictin' dat one- Ulyaoth be sayin', 'Trust take lifetime ta build, seconds ta destroy.' He want make sure we be smashas he be ready ta trust. Besides, good chanceta show dem we be hands n' wolves our word- we promise come back wit some udda cool ting, we come back wit udda cool ting- let dem see we gots tingz ta offer dem in dis arrangement. So, yeah, we take rest, go back fifteen-twenty houas latah wit new pressie. He be waitin' fur us- all too gladta be takin' da Zoha off our hands."

"Wh-the- how- the _Zohar?!_ " Zelda spluttered. Catching Mario and Link's eyes, she quickly muttered, "Enables communication between dimensions," before turning back to Crazy. "How did the Master Hand even _get_ that?!"

"He know people," Crazy shrugged. "Dat day be da besta our trip. Ulyaoth be sayin' he heard 'bout brudda, like what he'd be hearin'. He not da only one- plenty othas be gathrin' 'round ta listen, too. Ulyaoth call da meetin', say we come back on da morra, we promise we bring new gifty, we go back ta camp ta wait.

"N'... n' dat be when everyting go right ta hell."

"Why? What happened?" Link asked swiftly.

"It turn out dere be powa struggle goin' on in da clan. Like I say, it be mish-mash o' ancients dat be from four different clans, once 'pona time, rivalries be inevitable. Da old leada ona da udda clans be plottin' insurgence, only ting- be 'fraida Ulyaoth. But he gatha togetha udda ancients be in his old clan, set out ta fight- n' tings no go well."

"What was it like?" Zelda asked, hand to her mouth.

Crazy shook himself as he helped himself to a drink of soda. "Dere sum tings in dis world, Zeddies... no meant fur mortal eyes... 'r ears."

With that ominous pronouncement, he finished off the power-up he'd been gnawing on so far, before continuing. "Da point be, by da time our next visit roll 'round, Ulyaoth be only a pila sushi at da foota Leng."

"Oh, my," Zelda placed a hand over her mouth.

"Yuppers," Crazy nodded solemnly. "Dat real blow. Da new leada be Ulyaoth's killa- crab-lookin' brutus be callin' 'self Chattur'gha. We be all nerves, but Matta Hand be trustin' us- wez mean what we saiz, we say what we meant, da two of us faitful- hundred percent! We gotsa get _some_ ancient support 'for goin' back, so we go down wit da next pressie. Dere he be, right da middla da ancients, makin' em bow down, muchachos. He got da Zohar one claw, da Fiah Emblem in da udder, n' just be glarin' down at us like we scum onna pond. Me heart be in my wrist right 'bout den, but gotta try- no go back empty-handed! Mez offer up da next pressie- forged dragonstone-"

"A forged-" Zelda started, only for Mario and Link to cut her off by barking, "Zelda, shut UP!" "Sorry," she whispered, turning red as she allowed Crazy to continue his story.

"'N fur one, shining momento, me be tinkin' everyting be alright- Bob Marley be walkin' on sunshine- den Chattur'gha's right-hand ancient, castle-wearin' guy by da nama Mallus, pick me up n' start tossin' me 'round like rag doll."

"Smeg!" Link cursed, fury burning in his eyes.

"And how did you get out of that one?" Mario asked, his eyes as wide as a child being told a truly suspenseful story by their father.

"Oh- mes die."

"I don't believe you," Mario crossed his arms.

"Of coursy me kiddings," Crazy chuckled. "It be Ammy dat pull miez pinky outta da fire on dat one. She swish her tail, sun suddenly go down, moon be risin'. Da ancients be lookin' 'round, all confused, n' 'fore dey get deir bearings, she leap up n' slash off Mallus's arm wit onna her swords. It get us outta dere, but dat last time we be able go ta dat camp- we use our powas 'gainst dem, n' dat what dey hate 'bout smashas da most."

"Crud..." Mario took off his hat and rubbed his eyeballs with his wrists.

"So, then..." Zelda wondered, "why did it take you so long to get back, if the mission was screwed after three days?"

"Nutting be screwed afta tree days!" Crazy sounded shocked by the mere implication. "Iz be sayin, wez mean what we say, we say what we meant..."

Picking up on the hand's cue, the three chanted back, "The two of you were faithful, one hundred percent."

"Zactly," Crazy nodded vigorously. "We not able contact main clan anymore, but we no be leavin' Leng wit just dat. By night, we sneak 'round da borda, talk ta any ancients dat be willin' ta listen ta us witout tippin' off Chattur'gha. Dat n' pick up more info 'bout da ancients not be listenin'- n' tings only got worse from dere."

"How could they have gotten worse?" Zelda asked, surprised.

"Starmen," Mario gave voice to the terrible suspicion- a suspicion confirmed as Crazy nodded once more.

"Matta Hand be tellin' us da Grate Darkness be havin' stake wit da ancients, too. It not take long fur da starmen ta be tryin' da same ting we did- n' Chattur'gha be listenin' to dem."

"Are you sure they were starmen?" Link asked, trying to inject a note of optimism into the dismal conversation.

"Oh, yeahs," Crazy nodded. "Even recognize da leada- dat Dolly Hawetorne... da one be set ta kill Epona? She be ambassada 'tween da starmen n' da ancients, n' she be gettin' crud done. Dey both like killin' so much, it no wonder she be such great friends wit da giant lobsta."

"So the Great Darkness is rallying the ancients behind him?" Zelda cringed at the implications.

"Calmin' da jets, Zeddies, me no finish yets!" Crazy shook himself, getting truly into the swing of story-telling now. "Ammy be sayin' dat, jus' cause main clan turn back on us, no mean all ancients be like dat. Ulyaoth had s'pportas too, ya knows, ancients dat be in his clan back in da day, ancients dat liked his waya tinkin' more dan Chattur'gha, n' even some who no like him just hate Chattur'gha more. Dose da ones we be able ta spread da message to."

"But how could you tell them apart?"

"Dey be hidin' in nearby mountain range- hidin' from Chattur'gha's followas dat be beatin' dem ta bloody pulp. Even da mountain's be ona dem- big ol' ancient by da nama Phalanx, start his own clan, kinda, of ancients dat no like how tings goin' back in central Leng."

"So you were poking around at ancients the size of mountains?" Link gaped.

"We be prepared fur dat," Crazy waved aside. "It not Phalanx n' his crowd we worried 'bout, was da starmen dat would be out fur dem, too. Toppa dat, dey know 'bout us- Chattur'gha musta told 'em. Ammy ready trow down wit dem da whole time- fire blazin' 'round her reflector, snarlin'- she someting when da wolf side take ova, dat Ammy... superspecialmegaawesomesauce..."

Mario cleared his throat. "And?"

Crazy jolted back to reality. "Oh- yeah. Mez gotta hold her back, doe- no wanta draw da starmen 'tention to us. 'Ventually, we find da mountain dat be breathin', sleepin' 'round buncha ancients wit scars all ova dem. Soma dem look 'gressive, but dey just take too mucha beatin' be any threats. Celosia be dere- him, 'nudda small fry by da nama Cenobia... Dirge... Lavos... G-Man... n'...n' 'nudda..."

Crazy trailed off into faint ramblings before focusing once more. "'Nyways, G-Man be good translata, connect us togetha, we start visitin' 'em daily, healin', givin' medicine, start negotiatin' n' givin' da Matta Hand's messages. Dey start ta turn- everyting be goin' well 'gain, but den..."

"The starmen?" Mario guessed.

"Nah- starmen, dey coulda handled. Chattur'gha n' his gang ragin' 'bout, tearin' all up? Not so much. Dey get out most 'kay, 'cept fur Phalanx- he get da same treatment 's Ulyaoth, just giant body da foota Leng. None da uddas want ting ta do wit us afta dat."

"So, the ancients are either working for the Great Darkness, or just staying out altogether?" Link asked hopelessly.

"Dat how tings be standin' now," Crazy sighed heavily. "Still- dose dat be takin' Matty's message ta heart may 'membah- some dem be dere personally hear him speak, n' dat no ting you be forgettin'. No one be makin' any promises, but mes try be optimistic times like dis- mes tink somea dem remembah... maybe 'least speak up 'gainst gettin' 'volved in da war 'tall. Not good as help, but much bettah dan helping da Great Darkness..."

Silence fell- one of the darkest silences Mario had had the pleasure of sitting through. Finally, Zelda broke it, speaking gently. "Crazy... about your mother... did you... did you hear anything about her?"

Crazy sighed again. "Dead- die long time 'go. Chattur'gha get her, too- leader rival clan, n' he no stand fur dat."

"Sorry," Zelda spoke quietly.

"No need be," Crazy shook himself one last time. "Me be raised by my Daddies, Matty, n' Nick. Mommies be bookin' it soon she get da chance- neva get ta know her."

"But..." Link spoke slowly, "none of that explains how you got so roughed up."

"Or why you were so late," Mario spoke up, following his friend's train of logic. "I mean, delays or no, Amaterasu got back to Sohnee in time not long after the year started."

"Crazy, what really happened?" Zelda joined the offensive. "Who attacked you?"

"Mez no be attacked," Crazy spoke in exasperation. "Mes be tellin' you-"

* _Tap, tap.* *Tap, tap.*_

"Who dat be?" Crazy wondered, glancing up at the door, where a shadow had appeared.

...A very _short, stout_ shadow.

"Flip, it's him!" Mario hissed. Glancing at the Crazy Hand, "We were never here!" then at Link and Zelda, "Under the blanket!"

They didn't need to be told twice- Mario threw his blanket into the air, and they all gathered beneath it as it fell, succumbing to the invisibility as fast as they could. Crazy looked surprised, but went along with their antics, floating over to the door and opening it up, revealing Fassad Yokuba on the other side.

When he spoke, it was in the stereotypical loud, slow voice that people apparently took on when speaking to someone they didn't think knew their language. "So,... you... are... the... Crazy... Hand... yes?"

Mario seethed- how could that fat bastard make even slow speech like that sound high-pitched and annoying?

Crazy seemed confused by the slow speech. "Yeah, dat be me," he nodded. "N... who be you?"

"My... name... is... Fassad... Yokuba."

As he spoke, those beady eyes of his were taking in the insides of Crazy's cabin, no trace amounts of scorn therein. "Fassad?" Crazy repeated. "Aintcha bein' da Pressie's right-hand man?"

"Something... like... that..." Fassad acknowledged. "As...things... stand... now... I... am... the... new... Protection... from... the... Evils... teacher-"

"Congrats," Crazy nodded warmly. "Dere not be many dat be willin' take dat job."

"... and... the... President's... third... eye."

"Da Pressie has tree eyes?!" Crazy asked, aghast- clearly, it was news to him.

Fassad ignored him. "Did... I... hear... voices... on... my... way... in?"

"Well, mezies be talkin' ta Zoey here," Crazy shrugged, rubbing said dog behind the ears.

"And... she... spoke... back?"

"She be smarta most give her credit for," Crazy shrugged. "Well-trained, too- mez be tinkin' she may jus' be smart 'nuff ta communicate back at mez..."

"And... the... trench... in... the... snow... on... the... way... here?"

Mario cringed beneath Zelda's glare, firing back a 'Well, I-was-in-a-hurry' look.

"Prob'ly be someone visitin' earlier, mez be missin' dem," Crazy shrugged off.

"And... the... snow... has... yet... to... refill... the... gaps?"

"Dat be odd," Crazy shrugged. "It still be snowin' out dere? Mez jus' be warmin' up in here. Mez be pretty sure mez notice if someone be in here wit me. Mez mean what me say, mez say what me-"

"Save... it," Fassad waved him aside as he began searching through the cabin, leading to many an uncomfortable instance with Mario, Link, and Zelda in which they were forced to move as quietly as possible to avoid his searching hand. Finally, he turned back towards Crazy, that crud-eating grin taking his face. "So... what... happened... to... you?"

"Mez no know watchoo talk 'bout," Crazy shrugged evasively.

"Those... wounds."

"Oh, dese?" Crazy asked, looking around at himself as though he'd just noticed the severe damage he'd sustained. "You knowz, me no nosies how dis happen- you know how you get dese cuts n' bruises, but no 'member gettin' dem? Like dat."

Fassad's eyes narrowed. "In... that... case..., where... have... you... been?"

"Been? Mez been somewheres?" Crazy asked evasively. "Why no one tell me?"

"We... are... more... than... two... months... into... the... school... year... and... you... are... only... now... showing... up. Ms... Kjelle... Sheh... has... been... forced... to... cover... your... classes... so... I... ask... where... have... you... been?"

"Ah, last year be bitta a whirlwhind, mez be goin' on vacation afta dat," Crazy shrugged. "Mez no wantsta, but brudda be tellin' me it all fur da best..."

Mario cringed- bringing the Master Hand up was likely a huge mistake. Fassad seemed to agree. "And... did... he... direct... you... to... any... tourist... hot... spots? Or... rather... _cold_... spots?"

Mario, Link, and Zelda exchanged a look of sheer horror.

"Cold spots? Me look like ghost hunta ta you? Me be headin' down ta da Carribean! B-E-A-Utiful down dere, once you get past da pirates. Nice warm swimmin', sun dat no come out 'round here..."

"Yes... you... have... quite... the... tan," Fassad observed sarcastically.

Crazy did a double take. "Well... mez always be wearin' dis glove, you knows... too stronga sunscreen, me guesses..."

Fassad's eyes narrowed even further. "As... the... President's... Third... Eye... it... is... my... duty... to... inspect... and... remove... _problematic_... teachers... from... the... premises. Let... me... just... say... you... shouldn't... get... too... comfortable. In... fact... if... I... were... you... I... might... not... bother... unpacking... at... all."

With that, he was out the door, taking that speech pattern that was _very_ annoying to write with him. Mario waited for a few minutes for Crazy to ensure that Fassad was, indeed, following that trench back to the mansion before removing the blanket. "Wave Existence," Crazy wondered out loud. "Mez be turnin' miez back fur tree seconds... inpsections, huh?"

"Yep, and Lucario's already started on the wrong foot," Mario mumbled.

"So, I hope when I ask this, you understand," Zelda spoke up. "What are you planning for your classes once you take them back from Kjelle?"

"Oh, you no gotsta worry 'bout dat!" Crazy perked up, sounding truly happy for the first time since Fassad's entrance. "Mez learn from mistakes, ya knows! Mez got _bawesome_ lineup fur dis year! Kjelle may be good teacha, but she got _nutting_ on what be comin' next!"

"And what exactly does that mean?" Zelda asked.

"No spoilas!" Crazy reprimanded her lightly.

"Crazy," Zelda interrupted, looking truly afraid, "Fassad's looking for any excuse he can to get rid of teachers he deems problematic- a word which here means 'too close to the Master Hand.' And who's closer to the Master Hand than his half-brother?"

As Mario searched through Zelda's backpack and found the expected copy of Lemony Snicket's _A Series of Unfortunate Events,_ Crazy chuckled. "His full brudda, maybe? Seriously, Zeddies, me knows we all walkin' thin line dis year, n' me be takin' dat to 'count! Dis year mez be at da toppa my game- cross heart n' hope da die, stick tousand needles in miez eye!"

"That doesn't mean much from someone who doesn't have a face," Zelda pointed out worriedly.

"But when miez _does_ gotta face, it not da face offa liar," Crazy shrugged. "Everyting be alright, Zeddies- trust da hand." Glancing out the window, he added, "It be gettin' late- no wants get you in trouble on miez 'count. Head on back up to da mansion, n' no worries 'bout me! Miez finally be back, plannin' ta keep it dat way."

"Not a good sign," Link sighed as they made their way back up towards the mansion. "I'd _like_ to trust him on this one, but after the last few years..."

"I'm going back tomorrow," Zelda said firmly, and they could see the determination burning in her eyes. "I won't let this happen! You know how I feel about Lucario- he can go suck a railroad spike- but _smeg_ if I'm letting that fat bastard take Crazy!"

 _XXXX_

Aaaand... done. And only almost two months after the last chapter. After promising a quick update. *Sigh.* Blahblahblahblah, things have been busy over here, blahblahblahblah job hunting, blahblahblahblah PS3 breakdown, blahblahblahblah other excuses. You know, I was planning on doing a random quicky next chapter, but with how long this one took, I'm debating with myself on that one- while I still think it's a decent idea, is it really good enough to justify putting the main story on hold again, especially when we know what my update schedule can be like at times? I guess we'll see what happens- and, while I won't be definite, because that'll just jinx... _everything_... I _hope_ to have the next chapter up sometime soon. Ideally _before_ 2017\. Again, that's just a hopeful- please, gods of fate, don't take that as a challenge. Alright, enough waffling- time to finally end things off here and update after a solid six or seven weeks- please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out.


	23. Random Quicky: Time Slip

Gamer4 in. Red like roses, fills my dreams and leads me to my rest... white, so cold, and yearning, burdened by a royal test... Oh, hey, guys! No, nope, not being weird here! Came in to write, thought I'd get started on this year's 'just-for-fun' Christmas special! (Disclaimer- this is being written in November, but knowing my update schedule, this'll be going up on boxing day anyways.) Set this up a couple chapters earlier, time to pay it off- as much as you want to call it that. See if you can guess which movie I was watching when I got this idea! Let's roll!

Disclaimer: -aaaaaaaa _aaaaaaaaaaa_ AAAAAAAST and landed, flat-out, on the grass. The players tried for a forward pass with the jester on the sidelines in a cast!

Random Quicky

Time Slip

"Come on, Lucina, we're gonna be late!" Robin called behind himself as he rushed through the Sierra dorms. Behind him was Lucina, still hopping as she attempted to slip into her remaining boot and put her beloved Falchion into her sheath at the same time. Behind her, moseying along seemingly without a care in the world, was Waluigi.

"Waluigi be sleepin' good afta last night," the spider-legged Sierra muttered contentedly.

"A little _too_ well, from the looks of things," Lucina muttered, finally getting that boot on and rushing off, not even concerned about leaving her cape behind at this point. It _had_ been a wild night last night, particularly with the *ahem* _secret ingredient_ that Waluigi had seen fit to slip into those brownies of his. Normally, Lucina prided herself on not needing an alarm clock to wake up in the morning, but even Robin's insistence on setting said alarms had done nothing to assist her this morning- it had only been application of electroshock therapy on Robin's part that had dragged her out of bed at all.

By the time she'd gotten into the dungeon's hallways, Robin had already disappeared around a corner, leaving her rushing to catch up. She spun around and ran forward, only to feel a solid weight bring her to an abrupt stop.

"Sorry," she grumbled from the ground, as she realized said weight was another person. "Wasn't looking where I was going..."

"It's alright, neither was I," spoke a feminine voice- causing confusion within Lucina when she looked to see a young man on the ground across the hall from her. He was slightly taller than her, which honestly didn't surprise her- her height issues were rivaled only by Mario's. What _did_ surprise her, however, were a few other key features of the boy- to begin with, his hair, which was the exact deep shade of blue as her own, albeit much shorter. It fell around his eyes, a light bluish-gray.* And, despite his calm voice, his eyes seemed wide in panic when he looked at her. "Well, gotta go!"

"Okay, I guess I'll... see you around..." Lucina nodded, feeling somewhat confused and wrong-footed as the boy leapt to his feet and tore off, seemingly as fast as his legs could carry him. "Who was he?" she wondered out loud- she'd never seen him around before, and yet, there was something strangely attractive about him...**

XXXX

"Oh, Wave Existence," Mario grumbled from the back of Samus's class, looking up from the book he was supposed to be reading.

"Something wrong there, Mario?" Link asked. "I mean, it's only a few minutes to the bell..."

"Not that," Mario shook his head. "I just got a really ominous feeling- I think we're in another random quicky."

"Not gonna go hide in the woods this time?" Link threw an amused sideways glance at his friend.

"Didn't exactly help last time, did it?" Mario pointed out.

"Ah, well, what's the worst it could throw at us anyways?" Link shrugged off.

No sooner were the words out of his mouth than Samus cleared her throat at the head of the classroom. "Due to the overwhelming success of the Festival of Trees last year, the Master Hand has decided to hold a similar event this year," she announced. "A smaller scale, of course, without Mycrowsoft and Sohnee, but we _will_ be holding a Christmas dance in a few days, so those of you who need to prepare for it... well, prepare for it."

Mario groaned as he shot a glare at Link. "Link?"

"Yes?" Link placed his hands beneath his chin as he blinked innocently.

"I hate you."

"No you don't!" Link singsonged right back at him.

"That is all, class is adjourned," Samus spoke up again, banging a gavel on her desk.

"Was that really necessary?" Mario asked, raising his hand with his eyes half-closed.

"I've been binging Phoenix Wright, Spirit of Justice lately, so yes, it was entirely necessary," Samus nodded. "Away with you."

Mario continued to grumble to himself as he packed up and joined Link and Zelda in their exodus back to the hub. "Man, you know something's up when even Samus is going off the deep end," he muttered, only to interrupt himself with a loud, "OOF!"

"Sorry!" spoke the voice of a male student as a hand extended to help him back up. The voice suddenly took a turn for the feminine as it spoke its next sentence. "I've been really clumsy lately- you're the second person I've run into today!"

Making an educated guess based on the fluid gender of the voice, Mario shook his head, waving the apology aside. "No harm, no foul, Rob...in..." His voice trailed off when he looked and saw that the student before him was not, in point of fact, Robin. Her hair was too long, even for Robin's female form, and was a deep shade of blue rather than Robin's white. That said, a resemblance to Robin still definitely existed- those bluish-grey eyes seemed like a cross between Robin's and Lucina's, and that coat- Mario was pretty sure that coat was exactly the same as Robin's.

"I'm not Robin," the girl shook her head, her voice deepening as she became a he once again. "Er, I mean... I don't know what Robin you're talking about! Tim Drake? Dick Grayson? Jason Todd?"

Mario stared for a few seconds, performing his patented (a word which here means, 'ripped-off-from-Edgeworth') 'crossing-his-arms-and-tapping-his-shoulder' maneuver. "Don't I know you?" he asked.

The other student gulped, nervously raising his arms and tapping her index fingers together. "Er, I don't... I don't see why you would..."

"No, no, I remember you," Mario waved his finger as he recalled. "You're that Sierra spy that was watching the Nintendo team practice!"

"Spy? I'm no spy!" the other student's eyes widened indignantly. "I'm a time traveler, I'll have you know, and I'm not supposed to be here anyway, so there!" He ended his spiel by sticking her tongue out.

Mario stared, glancing around for Link and Zelda's support, but it seemed they'd moved on a while back, leaving only their blinking outlines behind. "A... time traveler."

An abrupt look of 'Crap, I-wasn't-supposed-to-say-that' crossed the other student's face. "Time travel? What are you talking about? I didn't say anything like that- you should get your ears checked, you sound like you're hearing things."

"No, no, these ears are fine," Mario shook his head. "See how big they are? I've got no trouble hearing anything, ever. And I'm pretty sure you just referred to yourself as a time traveller."

The other student sighed. "Okay, fine, yeah, I'm from the future. Don't tell anyone though, alright? The only person who's supposed to know I'm here is some guy named Mario Mario."

Mario's shoulder-tapping increased, a vein or two ready to pop in his forehead. "And... do you happen to know what this 'Mario Mario' looks like?"

"Of course!" Other-Student nodded fervently, only to subsequently quail beneath Mario's deadpan gaze. "Well, kind of... okay, no, I have no idea. You wouldn't happen to know where he is, would you?"

"I can describe him for you," Mario sighed heavily. "He's a little on the short side, but that thick, handsome moustache of his more than makes up for it. He's got a red shirt under some blue overalls, a round nose, and his power controller is a red cap he always keeps on his head."

"Always... on... his... head," Other-Student nodded eagerly. "Thanks, that'll be a big help- I'll... go... find... him... now..."

Mario sighed internally as the conclusion began to stretch across Other-Student's face. _And a light dawns on rainbow head..._

"*GAAAAASP!* YOU'RE Mario Mario?!"

"That's my name, don't wear it out," Mario nodded. "Now, want to tell me your name to begin with? The whole 'Other-Student' thing is getting old, I'm sure the readers would agree."

"Of course!" Other-Student nodded eagerly, as the author took one last chance to refer to him as such. "The name's Morgan! Morgan Mercer!"

Pieces of the puzzle floating around in Mario's head began to connect. "Mercer... blue hair... can't go for a few minutes without shifting gender... says s/he's from the future," Mario muttered to himself as Morgan positively quivered with excitement, watching him work. "Let me guess... you're about to tell me that your Robin and Lucina's kid from the future, aren't you?"

"Oh, you already know!" Morgan chirped brightly. "Well, that makes things easier!"

"Not quite- knowing something and believing it are two different things," Mario muttered. "Tell me, if you're from the future, what exactly are you doing back in my time?"

Morgan's ears turned red. "Well... that's kind of a long story..."

"Time seems to freeze during random quickies- we've got time," Mario attempted to cut into his bizarre conversation partner with his gaze.

"Well, you see, me and some friends of mine were taking a new model of kart- the Exo Tank- out for a test run- they're supposed to run on renewable goddess energy- but things got a little... weird. Somehow, the energy ran out, so my friend Laurent- he's our smart guy- he found another source of energy- time energy on the shores of Lake Delfino, left over from a huge time-shattering event from years and years ago, and he thought that could fuel it instead. So we headed over to the rift where the energy was coming from, loaded up, I fired that baby up, took it up past ninety miles an hour- and the next thing I know, I'm faceplanting on the lawn of the Smash Mansion- over twenty years in the past." Morgan's gaze broke from Mario's critical one, going down to where his index fingers were tapping together again. "You don't believe me, do you?"

"No, I do," Mario shrugged, causing Morgan to look up at him in confusion. "That story sounds _just_ stupid enough for Gamer4 to think up. Besides, I... think I know what that time-shattering event might have been." Here, he rubbed the back of his neck, not overly eager to reveal his own role in said event. "Only one question now- why did you look for _me,_ of all people?"

"Well, the way Mom and Dad talked about you in the future, they made it sound like you were pretty much the ultimate badass!" Morgan smiled brightly, speaking in a tone that didn't match her words at all. "I figured if anyone could help me get back to my own time, it would be you! Can't you just Mario Punch a door back to my time for me?"

"I think you've got me confused with Captain Falcon," Mario rubbed his shoulder, feeling off-put. Did Lucina and Robin really give him such a glowing reputation in the future? "Why not just replicate what you did before- get the time energy and blast back to the future?"

"Sounds good on paper," Morgan agreed, "but according to Laurent, for something like this to happen, there has to be a tremendous amount of energy going on- 1.21 jigawatts, he said."

"He said this before you came back in time?"

"He was speaking hypothetically- I doubt even he expected something like this to happen- but, yeah."

"And what the smeg's a jigawatt?"

Morgan raised a finger, but allowed it to fall uncertainly. "I... I don't know. Like I said, Laurent was always the smart guy in our group."

"Hmm..." Mario stroked his moustache in thought. "Just a sec- let me call up our own 'smart guy.'" He produced his cell phone and began dialing a number.

"Wait, you still use cell phones?" Morgan asked in surprise.

"What else would I use?" Mario asked, glancing at Morgan out of the corner of his eye.

"Oh, nothing!" Morgan raised her hands in a 'please-don't-ask-I'm-trying-to-preserve-the-timeline' kind of way. But he still heard when, off to the side, he muttered, "Scrolls are so much cooler, though..."

Mario finished dialing and raised the phone to his ear. One ring, two rings, three...

"Hello?" Zelda responded as she finally picked up.

"Hey, Zelda," Mario greeted. "I seem to have run into a bit of trouble here- a problem that requires me to generate 1.21 jigawatts. Any ideas?"

Zelda gasped dramatically. "1.21 jigawatts?! _1.21 jigawatts?!_ 1.21 JIGAWATTS?! _1.21 JIGAWAAAAAAAAAAAATTS?!"_

Mario closed his eyes halfway and waited for Zelda to finish her seizure. "Yes, now what kind of hoops would I have to jump through to generate that kind of power?"

"No idea," Zelda readily admitted. "What the smeg's a jigawatt?"

Mario sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. This whole thing was getting to be a giant pain. Turning to Morgan, he whispered, "You're absolutely _certain_ this Laurent guy said 'jigawatt,' right? Not something more... you know, _real,_ like, say, 'gigawatt?'"

"No, no, he definitely said 'jigawatt,'" Morgan crossed her arms, only to falter again under Mario's stare. "Well, I'm pretty sure... at least, I think he did... okay, okay, it might have been gigawatt!"

Mario turned back to his phone. "Okay, sounds like my info was from a faulty source- I meant to say 'gigawatt.'"

"Well, even 1.21 gigawatts is nothing to sneeze at," Zelda mused from the other side. "To my knowledge, the only thing capable of generating that kind of energy is a bolt of lightning. Which kind of leaves you SOL, really- not even smashers can tell where or when those things will strike."

"I see," Mario muttered, stroking his moustache again. "I see, I see, Sam-I-am... thanks, Zelda."

"Any time," Zelda agreed, still sounding confused even as they both hung up.

"Doesn't sound good, does it?" Morgan asked, looking hopeless.

"Actually, if she's right- and she usually is- re-powering that kart of yours will be the easy part," Mario shook his head.

"It will?" Morgan's eyes grew bright again.

"What can I say, I know a guy who knows a guy," Mario shrugged. "Or rather, I just know a guy."

"But what do you mean by 'the easy part?'" Morgan asked curiously.

"Well, it's never that simple- especially in random quickies," Mario thought out loud. "It's a weird problem, that's for sure, but the solution is a little _too_ simple- something else has to go wrong before this chapter's out..."

"Hey, Mario, who's your new friend?" came another voice- Robin's. Morgan gave a squeak of fright and ducked behind the pyromancer.

Mario glanced briefly behind him to check on his 'new friend's' gender. "Er... _he_ 's an exchange student... from Sohnee."

"Sohnee?" Lucina asked, eyeing the future child closely. "Interesting."

"I don't remember seeing him last year," Robin commented.

"He heard stories about how awesome this place was from his friends who _were_ here last year, and decided to get into the exchange program this year," Mario invented wildly. "He's really liking it so far."

"Oh, really?" Lucina smiled warmly at him. "Because I'm sure I could find the time to give him a tour sometime..."

Hearing a frightened *Meep* from behind him, Mario shook his head. "Nah, I've got him all covered, don't worry about it," he waved his hands. "Oh, by the way- next Brigade meeting's delayed, with that Christmas dance coming up."

"Christmas dance?" Lucina asked, eyeing Morgan more than before. "Interesting..."

"Yeah, riding off the FOT's success," Mario nodded. "Sorry to delay the Brigade meeting, but I'm guessing most of everybody will want to go to the party anyways..."

"Seems likely," Robin nodded. "Welp, see you 'round, kid!" He ruffled Morgan's hair in a way that the future child seemed to enjoy, only for him to pale again as Lucina kept her gaze on him as she walked by, even more so when Waluigi passed, glaring daggers at him.

Mario kept his hand to his chin the whole time. "I see... Houston, we have a problem."

"What?" Morgan asked, looking up at him. "What is it?"

Mario sighed. "Come on, I'll explain in the hub... I have some calls to make... call in some favors..."

XXXX

"So, basically, this kid here is from the future?" Zelda summarized.

"Yup," Mario nodded, glancing at Morgan, 'ooh'-ing and 'ahh'-ing as she darted around a hub she'd never had access to before.

"Robin and Lucina's kid," Link smirked with all the maturity of a twelve-year-old.

"Mmm-hmm," Mario grunted his agreement.

"But she ran into Lucina earlier, and now she's falling for him instead," Zelda piped up.

"That would seem to be the case- it's the only time I've _ever_ seen her acting... flirty, at any rate."

"Sucks for him," Link snorted. "This is all starting to sound like a weird movie from the eighties- so, what are we going to do?"

"Well, first, I've got a few favors to call in," Mario muttered. "To begin with, Peach, Maya, and Melia- we'll need them to pull off my plan."

"Hawley and the Smoots?" Zelda asked, stroking her chin. "Why them?"

"It'll all come together the night of the Christmas party," Mario assured her. "That said, we'll need... _Tharja's_ help, too..."

"Tharja?" Link asked. "You want _Tharja's_ help in matching _Robin_ up with somebody who's not her?"

"I know it sounds weird, but this plan can't go off without her help," Mario nodded. "And finally- Luigi. He'll play a central role in all this."

"Well, I can't imagine Peach or Luigi turning you down," Link mused. "Maya and Melia will probably be on board too... but what about Tharja?"

"Relax, I've got it all planned out," Mario raised a hand. "I just need some help getting in contact with all these people."

"You're going to quite a few lengths for someone you just met earlier today," Zelda spoke up, sounding either impressed or exasperated, Mario couldn't tell which.

"Well, we made a deal on the way up here," Mario recalled. "I help him get back to the future, she'll do what he can to get this story cancelled."

Link burst out chortling. "Oh, that is _so_ you," he chuckled. "So, gonna let us in on this big plan of yours?"

Mario sighed, rubbing his temples. "Alright, what we're going to do is..."

A few minutes later, Link, Zelda, and Morgan were all gathering around him, their jaws on the ground. "Mario... that might actually work!" Zelda gasped- definitely impressed this time.

Mario sensed many straight-man lines he could take, but he settled for continuing to rub his temples as he muttered, "It might."

XXXX

"So, you're down to play at the party?" Link double-checked again.

"Oh, yeah," Peach grinned. "The Peach Hit Four are _back,_ baby!"***

"I thought you guys called yourself 'Hawley and the Smoots,'" Link pointed out, confused.

"Meh, that joke is _so_ last story," Peach waved him aside.

Link blinked, but ultimately shrugged it off. "The only catch is, Lucina needs to be on the dance floor," he returned to his previous thoughts. "This plan of ours _demands_ it."

"But she's one of us!" Peach pouted slightly, arms crossed. "We don't play without her- unless you know someone else who can rock out like she can!"

Link glanced around rapidly, searching for anyone who might fill that criteria. Eventually, his eyes fell on Morgan, listening eagerly nearby. "Hey, Morgan, I need to ask you..."

XXXX

"So, you think you can hit a target traveling that fast?" Zelda wanted to be absolutely sure- she never left anything to chance, especially in situations as *a-hem,* _serious_ as this one.

"On paper, it sounds difficult, sure, but in practice, I think it'll actually be much easier," Luigi shrugged. "Just how lightning works, honestly. Just get us up nice and high... just... how does Mario keep getting himself into these situations?"

"I'm sure he's asking himself that right now," Zelda muttered, silently wishing her friend in red good luck.

XXXX

"Tharja! Hey, Tharja!" Mario called out, spotting the dark sorceress across the hall and sprinting to catch up to her.

"Ah, Mario... Mario. Our... fearless... leader," Tharja offered that creepy-as-all-get-out smirk of hers. "Don't worry, I've already been informed of the next meeting's... delay."

"It's not about that," Mario shook his head. "It's actually about the party itself- I need to ask you a favor." And with that, he quickly explained what he wanted her to do.

Tharja bit a nail as she mused over the request her leader had made of her. "Why would you ask me to do such a thing?"

"It's a long, long, long, _long_ story," Mario muttered, doing his best to emphasize how much he did _not_ want to talk about it. "Will you do it?"

"Well, it's hardly a _bad_ idea... but what will you do for me in return?" Tharja smirked at him, clutching her book to her chest.

Mario sighed. "Tharja, you'd do this for free, and we both know it."

"Well, yes, however," Tharja interjected, "Now somebody's _asking_ me to do it. Higher demand, higher the price. Basic economics."

Mario sighed again. Thankfully, he'd expected this, and had come prepared. "Well, I _do_ just so happen to have this collection of amateur shots of Robin from all around the school," Mario muttered, lifting up a rather hefty binder and flicking through it a bit for Tharja's benefit. "I planned on keeping it in my dorm and eventually burning it, but if another student somehow got her hands on it... well, you know what they say about spilt milk."

Tharja's eyes narrowed, looking contemplative, though Mario was fairly certain they both already knew what she was going to say. "You've got yourself a deal," she finally said, slowly. "I'll do what you ask, and in return, I expect to find that binder in my stocking come December the 25th. If not, you may just have to suffer my... _displeasure._ "

Mario shuddered- even if he'd been considering double-crossing her in the first place, the thought would have been driven from his mind by now.

XXXX

And so it came to be that the day of the party arrived. Lucina was currently looking at the rest of her band members with no trace amount of confusion on her face. "You're sure you guys will be alright without me?"

"Don't worry about a thing," Peach smiled, patting her on the shoulder.

"Every little thing's gonna be alright!" Maya agreed, putting her hands together and nodding with a wide grin on her face, as was characteristic of her.

"We have a stand-in guitarist," Melia nodded. "I believe you've met him- Morgan?"

Lucina blinked as Morgan made an appearance, doing his best to hold his male form and violently red as he glanced up at his mother. "I... I think so, yeah..."

XXXX

"So everything's in place?" Mario double-checked yet again. "Peach and her crew are playing, Tharja's on the dance floor, and Luigi's heading up to the roof?"

"Check, double-check, and triple-check," Zelda nodded, checking all of the above off on a clipboard. "Operation: Pyro Match Maker is good to go!"

"Maybe one day we'll just get to enjoy one of these parties as an actual party," Mario muttered, pressing his face into his hand.

"Wouldn't hold my breath on that one," Link smirked. "Last Christmas was the biggest gong show for you that it could have been."

Mario sighed. "Link, I'd say you were wrong, except for one thing."

"And what's that?"

"You're not wrong."

XXXX

"Another rock and roll Christmas! Another Christmas rock and roll! Another rock and roll Christmas! All dressed up so here we go, do I hear sleigh bells in the snow? Another rock and roll Christmas..."

Slowly, the Gavinners' song faded out, until Klavier himself took the mic to announce, "Alright, we're all done for tonight, babies! Fear not, though- we leave you in good hands. It is my honor to present to you- the Peach Hit Four!"

Those who remembered said band's performance the previous year, and got over the sudden change of name, cheered as Peach, Maya, Melia, and Morgan took over the stage from the Gavinners. "You won't be playing with them?" Robin asked, surprised, as he glanced over at Lucina.

"They thought I'd want to come out here and dance," Lucina shrugged.

Robin tilted his head a bit. "Could be fun. May I?"

Mario smirked as he watched from nearby- of course Robin and Lucina would end up dancing together- with Morgan out of the picture, at least. _Everything is going according to the scenario,_ he mused to himself, assuming the famed _Gendo Ikari_ pose (TM.) He glanced up at Peach and gave her the signal. Nodding and smiling back, Peach began playing a slower song. "Earth angel, earth angel, please be mine! My darling dear, love you for all time. I'm just a fool, a fool in love with you..."

Mario glanced back at Lucina and Robin. Granted, his plan was based on an assumption- an assumption that all Robin and Lucina needed to be pushed together was an opportunity like this. The skeptical part of his brain had called foul, but the romantic part (admittedly a very small portion of his brain at this point) had said the idea was perfect. It _was_ Christmas, after all- the time of miracles.

His self-satisfaction died off a bit when he glanced upstage and saw that Morgan didn't seem to be doing too well- while he'd been doing a good job previously of maintaining his male persona, he was starting to shift more and more rapidly as she slumped backwards on the stage, looking as though he'd suddenly become intensely ill. The term 'Shapeshifter Swan Song' came to mind, and he thought he could spy only one reason- though Robin and Lucina were dancing together, there was still a certain awkwardness to the whole thing. Mario grimaced.

Maya seemed to have noticed too, glancing over at her newest friend with concern in her eyes. "Hey, Morgan, you alright?"

Morgan, sweating profusely, shook her head wearily from side to side. "I... this wasn't... I wasn't..."

Mario's fingers tightened together. Ever the cynic, he'd predicted even this- it was time for his trump card to come into play... but where _was_ she?

He breathed a sigh of half-relief as Tharja seemed to spawn between the dancing couple. "I believe this dance... is _mine,_ " she whispered as she grabbed onto Robin and steered him away from his previous partner. Robin's eyes widened in surprise, and Lucina's jaw dropped as she watched her closest friend get steered away by the girl in black.

Mario's fingers tightened further- his knuckles had gone white beneath his gloves. This was it- the point where his plan was either made or broken. "Come on, Lucina..." he muttered into his hand-warmers.

"Come on, Lucina," Link and Zelda muttered, nibbling on each other's fingernails.

"Come on, Mom..." Morgan choked out, struggling to say anything through a haze of increasing pain.

"Excuse me," Tharja looked around at a tap on her shoulder, to see Lucina behind her, narrowing her eyes. "I was fairly certain it was _mine_."

A quick shove later, Tharja was out of the picture, and, a moment two years of thinly-veiled shipping in the making, Lucina pulled Robin in and pressed their lips together. Robin looked surprised at first, but eventually, closed his eyes and smiled.

 _Yes!_ Mario pumped his mental fist.

"YES!" Link and Zelda pumped their actual fists.

"Oh, yeah!" Morgan grinned, pulling himself to his feet at last, and playing with more gusto than ever before.

"I'm just a fool..." Peach smiled back at him, her band reviving itself along with its temporary member. "A fool in love with you!"

And, at long last, it came to an end. Before anyone else could say anything, Morgan seized the mic, looking more overexcited than ever before. "Let's rock this joint!"

And before anyone could stop him, he was jamming out on the guitar, leaving the others to rush and attempt to join his rhythm. Mario thought he recognized the song- _You Will Know our Names._ He couldn't help smiling when he saw everyone on the dance floor struggling to keep up as well. He thought he could learn to like this child of Robin and Lucina's. Only one thing left to do, then...

XXXX

"So, at the end of it all, hope you had fun here, twenty years in the past," Mario spoke over his shoulder as he guided Morgan up towards where Luigi should have already taken her kart.

"The whole 'almost-erasing-myself-from-existence' thing aside, yeah," Morgan shrugged.

"There's just one thing left I'm not certain about," Mario mused, stroking his moustache. "You say you came to me because of the way your parents talked about me- didn't you ever meet me yourself? I'd like to think I keep in touch with them in the future..."

Morgan's ears turned red. "Um... well, y'see, the thing about that is... um... er... hey, look, the exo tank!"

Mario's eyes narrowed as they finally arrived on the roof, where Luigi was smiling from the inside of what hardly resembled a kart- more like a motorcycle decked out with armor and three spears on the front. "That's a _kart_?"

"Karts get even cooler in the future," Morgan explained airily. "Alright, we all ready to rock?!"

"Oh, yeah!" Luigi nodded eagerly as he hopped out of the kart. "Always glad to help Mario out!"

"So, how are you planning to get that thing up to speed?" Mario asked.

"Easy- right over the side of the mansion!" Morgan beamed widely.

"And... you're not a little _concerned_ about that?"

"The exo tank's smoooooth," Morgan grinned, running a hand over the edge lovingly. "No fall damage while I'm in this baby!"

"I'll take your word for it," Mario shook his head. "You ready?"

"Ready!" Morgan nodded brightly, revving the tank up.

"Ready, Lu?"

"Ready!" Luigi nodded eagerly, already with a ball of lightning in his hand.

"Alright, then, at the count of three- one, two, _now!_ "

Morgan took off, moving faster than either Mario or Luigi could have predicted, but Luigi still managed to make his mark with that lightning, smacking it into the exo tank, causing it to glow brightly and, as they both watched with jaws on the ground, disappear in a burst of flame.

"So... that's it?" Luigi asked, looking somewhat surprised.

"Yeah... I... I guess it is," Mario nodded, feeling the same confusion.

"Seemed a little... hurried, didn't it?"

"Well, time _was_ of the essence."

"That, or Gamer4 just really wanted to have a sort-of Christmas chapter," Luigi shrugged. "Maybe next year, there'll be a Christmas chapter that actually feels Christmasy."

"Did you just snark, Lu?" Mario glanced at his other friend in green with a raised eyebrow.

Luigi chuckled. "Well, I guess I picked up a few things over the past four and a half years..."

Mario smiled, patting Luigi on the back as they turned back to the mansion. "Luigi, I do believe this is the start of a beautiful friendship."

"Weren't we friends already?"

"...Don't ruin the moment."

XXXX

"So, there's just one thing I don't understand," Laurent commented as he and his other friends listened to the conclusion of Morgan's narrative.

" _One_ thing?" Severa scoffed. "That, right there, is the biggest bunch of bull-"

Laurent raised his hands to silence her. "You say you came to the conclusion I said '1.21 gigawatts,' correct?"

"Yeah, so we did," Morgan nodded. "Why?"

"Because you were right in the first place," Laurent crossed his arms. "I _did_ say 1.21 jigawatts- a unit of energy not discovered until seven or eight years after the time you landed in, and _exponentially_ larger than a gigawatt. No normal lightning could have produced that kind of energy."

"Well, it came from a smasher," Morgan shrugged.

"Nonetheless, that kind of power us almost unheard of," Laurent shook his head. "Whatever smasher did this, they must have untapped power beyond measure..."

XXXX

"So, we can finally close this particular case, huh?" Link asked.

"Thank the Wave Existence, yes," Mario nodded, slumping in his chair. "One normal Christmas- dear lord, that's all I ask, just one normal Christmas."

"Even so, I'm proud of you, Mario," Zelda smiled at him.

"Why's that?" Mario asked, sliding his hat over his eyes.

"Always ready to help people, even without any reward in return."

"Don't make me sound better than I am, Zelda- like I said, Morgan's gonna get this story cancelled now."

"Is he?" Zelda asked skeptically.

"What do you mean?" Mario asked, lowering his hat slightly to gaze over it at his friend.

"Well, I just don't see how he plans on cancelling the story from where he is- you know, twenty years in the future?"

Mario's jaw dropped as the realization hit him, too. "Wh... wh... SON OF A-"

 _XXXX_

*Due to my color-blindness, my sister, Blue Phoenix, came up with this eye color. Please direct any and all complaints to her.

** Not trying to ruffle any feathers here- I write this with the idea that this is her maternal instincts unconsciously kicking in, but since she's, y'know, in school, and doesn't have any kids, she mistakes it for another kind of attachment. Not sure how clear that came through, but that was the idea.

*** Shout-out to Feline Within, who pointed out last story that Peach actually _has_ a band in canon, the Peach Hit Five. The number has been reduced because, of course, this story only provides four members.

Hope this chapter wasn't _too_ scatterbrained for your guys's liking. Like I said, work on this began in November, not long after the last chapter was posted, but then, I wasn't sure exactly how to proceed with it, and there were some internal conflicts about whether to go through with it at all... by the time I decided to write this 'definitely just for fun' chapter and how I wanted to go about it, things were so close to Christmas that I decided to hold off 'til Christmas Eve- give you guys a present. Updates should return to normal after this, as I've got that itch to write back in my fingers, and we're back to normal chapters again. Anyways, should you want to return the favor with a Christmas gift of your own, the best way to do that- please R&R, constructive criticism with which the story may be made better embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


	24. Mario's Ladder

Gamer4 in, and bearing with him... truly frightening news. It goes without saying that the series has been on hiatus a while, and while that length of time is certainly horrifying enough in and of itself, the true terror lies in a fact that newer readers may not recall- this series has been going on for years, now. (It's kind of shocking, looking back and realizing just how long I've been doing this, and how many people have come and gone in the meantime, readers and real-life relations alike.) That said, it's very possible that most of the current viewers weren't around for the _Dungeon of Secrets_ days, and thus don't recall that _this isn't the longest hiatus the series has undergone._ The gap between chapters for _that_ story at one point reached _two and a half years,_ almost twice as long as even this far-too-long departure. Now _that..._ is scary. At any rate, I'll waste no time going over howtos and whyfores- it would just be retreading old ground in the name of padding out the author's notes even more. Instead, let's get back to the story itself- assuming anyone's still around to read it. Here we go!

Disclaimer: The halftime air was sweet perfume, as the sergeant played a marching tune- we all got up to dance, but we never got the chance!

Chapter XXI

Mario's Ladder

"Which, of course, brings me to my conclusion that Gamer4 is a lazy bastard," Zelda concluded her slideshow presentation, adjusting her glasses as she gazed out over the Debug Room, currently taking the form of an office meeting building, herself at the head with a pointer and wearing a lab coat for some reason. The origins of the glasses were equally unknown- the blond had never needed them before, and she seemed to have obtained them only to perform the 'scary glasses-flash.' "Any questions?" she asked, collapsing her pointer and continuing to glare at Mario and Link, currently the only other two occupants of the room, seated at the table.

Mario was leaning his head in his hand, gently stroking his moustache as he gazed at Zelda in a vague effort to at least pretend that he cared about this subject matter- Link, meanwhile, was nodding off against his shoulder. "Yeah, well, Zelda, the thing is... that kinda goes without saying. I mean, you may as well have put together a presentation about how the earth goes around the sun."

"You mean the sun around the earth?" Link asked, suddenly sitting bolt upright like he'd been paying steadfast attention all along.

Zelda sighed. "We never should have introduced him to the flat earth society..."

"I still don't understand how he always seems to tune in whenever we move to that subject," Mario agreed wearily. "Anyways, none of that is the point! I thought you called this meeting to give us an update on the situation with the Hand!"

"Oh, right!" Zelda snapped her fingers. "Sorry- a year and a half will do that to you."

"Fully understandable," Mario nodded. "So, how's it going?"

"Not well," Zelda grimaced. "You'd think all that time would give me the chance to reason with him, but he's... well... crazy."

"It _is_ in the name," Link pointed out, more attentive now that the subject was on their friend. "Sorry we couldn't help, but..."

"I know, your homework piles," Zelda crossed her arms sternly. "Bet you're regretting not staying on top of it now."

"Can't help it if the puffballs keep distracting us," Link muttered, removing his hat to run a hand through his hair. "Can't sit down to write an essay without those winnicotts pelting the window with snowballs..."

"At any rate," Zelda spoke up, attempting to keep the conversation on track, "he's not even there half the time I try to contact him. Whenever I _do_ get lucky enough to see him at _all,_ he's coming out of the Lost Woods!"

"Well, _that's_ a great sign right there," Mario muttered, already attempting to ram his eyeballs into the back of his skull. "With _our_ luck, he's probably planning on introducing the class to Gohma."

"That would be the day _I'm_ waiting for," Link groaned. A moment later, a smirk crossed his face. "That would be the day I open up the-"

"DON'T!" Mario interrupted, glaring at his friend for a good minute or so. "You... Dare."

A long, uncomfortable silence passed before Mario finally turned to Zelda again. "Now, I don't suppose he actually mentioned what he's raising out there?"

"Well, I definitely tried to find out," Zelda nodded, "but nope- nothing. Just the same stuff he said before- wouldn't even tell me how he got hurt. Not since I suggested SOYLENT have I met this much resistance!"

She looked to Mario and Link for backup, only to find them twiddling their thumbs and whistling as they commenced the long-awaited Examination of the Ceiling Dirt- ceiling dirt, incidentally, that seemed to have just popped into existence a couple seconds ago.

XXXX

And so it came to be that Mario, Link, and Zelda had to fight no small level of apprehension to approach Crazy's Cabin as the time rolled around for his first Smashing Creatures lesson of the year. Zelda, as ever, was decked out against the cold like she was going deep-sea diving, Link was wearing a green fur coat, and Mario was... same as ever. Mario himself wasn't too concerned about what Crazy would bring- even if it _was_ somewhat dangerous, Crazy at least knew better than to bring out anything he couldn't control himself. What the rest of the class would think- or, Wave Existence forbid, Fassad- that was another matter altogether.

The three could only cringe as they approached the old hand's cabin to find his glove more worn and tattered than ever, putting it in an even better position to show off the extraordinary number of injuries he seemed to still be gathering. Mario didn't understand- yeah, he generally got that the ancients could be brutal, but for what he was seeing, it almost seemed like Crazy was teleporting back to the mountains just to pick fights with them or something!

If all that wasn't enough, the hand seemed just a _tad_ too comfortable with that dead ponio slumped over in his palm.

"...Why?" was all Mario had to say as he took that in.

"Feed," Crazy responded simply. Turning to address the rest of the gathering class, he raised his voice. "Rightsies, we be headin' int da Woods tuhday! Dese crittas not be dat likey a da light!"

Despite his own reservations, Mario couldn't help but feel satisfaction at the bolt of nerves that seemed to pulse in Bowser at that phrase. "The- the Woods, huh?" he choked out, suddenly sweating far more profusely than any reptile had the right to. Adjusting a non-existent collar, he gave a false chuckle. "O- of course that's fine, dawg. Ain't nuthin' in the forest that can mess with me or my homeboys." Mario shook his head as Ganondorf and Wario nodded their approval- he distinctly remembered the last time Bowser had gone in the Lost Woods. Years ago, yes, but it would always hold a special place in his heart.

"Mez be plannin' dis one fur looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time," Crazy explained cheerfully. "Always on da schedie, but mez be savin' it da year you handle it."

"'Course, after last year, I think your definition of 'handle' is up for some interpretation," Bowser scoffed, still clearly trying to cover up his fear, which didn't stop a handful of Sierras and Nintendoes alike from nodding.

"Traitor!" Mario gasped, seeing Lucina going along with it.

"Sorry, Mario, but you've got Rose glasses on," Lucina shook her head. " _I_ remember the Ultimate Chimaeras."

Mario grudgingly removed his Ruby Rose brand glasses (they're also a gun) and focused on his new greatest task- struggling to resist giving Lucina extra drills at the next Brigade meeting.

"Youz no gotta be worryin', budz," Crazy assured his class. "Dese here crittas get all da sealsa prooval. Come 'long, pondz!"

With that, Crazy led them into the labyrinth on the Wood's outer edge. After a while of navigation, they entered the forest proper, where light rapidly diminished to an eerie twilight. Mario didn't blame Lucina and her crew for gathering a little closer this time- no slights against the Hand, only against the oppressive nature of the Woods themselves. Besides, it would be hard to chew them out with Link struggling to hold his hand.

Finally, they arrived in a clearing that was slightly less gloomy than the rest of the area. "Y'all still be widme?" Crazy called out. "Bawesomesauce! Nows, me be gonna do some callin' to dem!" Here, he dropped the ponio's body on the ground and produced, from nowhere, a theremin.

...Yeah, theremin. What, you've never heard of a theremin?

"...The _smeg's_ a theremin?" Link asked, examining the text and the odd instrument that Crazy was currently running himself ragged around in excitement.

You see, kids, a theremin is a musical instrument known for its distinct-

"And _that_ -" Zelda interrupted, "is all we need to know. Just make the star go across the screen, smeg off, and let the story go back to normal."

...Fine. *Pout.* Bet you don't even play a theremin, you ungrateful *mumble mumble.*

...The more you know. (1)

Anyways, Crazy excitedly activated the theremin and began running his hand over it, never actually making contact, producing a truly eerie strain of music that Mario couldn't help but think Erich Zann would have been proud of. The effect, between the music and location, was creepy enough that even students who seemed to have been regaining their nerves seemed to lose it again, biting their lips as they looked around for whatever creatures were about to emerge from the darkness.

At long last, Mario, casting his eyes around, spotted another pair of eyes looking back- haunting, evil-looking eyes. "Those things!" he gasped, drawing Link and Zelda's attention.

"What things?" they asked, following his gaze.

"Right over there- on the path!"

He pointed directly at the sphere of darkness surrounded by what seemed to be black flame, emerging from the trees, making clear its wide, grinning mouth, eventually coming to examine the ponio.

"Still not seeing anything, bruh," Link shook his head.

Mario cast his eyes around the class, wondering- was he really crazy? Was he hallucinating, even now?

But no- two others could see the creature- Lucina seemed to be having the same problem he himself was having, trying to point it out to Robin and Waluigi only for them to get more and more confused. The other was Luigi, eyes wide and fixed upon the entity, shaking as though he _wasn't_ bundled up as snugly as Zelda.

As Crazy continued hovering over the theremin, he spoke up again. "Mez be seein' a second, soz now be da time tee be askin- who y'all be seein' what me be callin?"

Luigi's hand was up in an instant, while Lucina and Mario exchanged bemused glances, seeming almost relieved to see each other's hands going up as well. "Marioz, Marioz, yup, me be seein' dat one comin... Lucy, you twoz? Hmm... n' Lu, dat I-"

"I give, man, I give!" Bowser seemed to break under the creepy atmosphere and eerie music. "What is it we're supposed to be seein'?!"

"Da ponio! Da ponio!" Crazy called, finally drawing everyone else's attention to where the odd creatures were congregating, and beginning to feed. Robin's eyes widened in shock, Waluigi let out a cry of "Waa!", Link jumped with a yelp, Bowser attempted to leap into Ganondorf's arms, Scooby-Doo style, only for his spikes to severely injure the gerudo's limbs, and Zelda's eyes simply widened. Mario thought about it from their perspective, and could see why- they were essentially witnessing a dead ponio eating itself.

"I don't understand!" Saria piped up, looking to the teacher for an answer. "What's happening?"

Crazy squirmed with excitement as he built it up. "Comin' at ya live from da reachees of da Lost Woodsen- mez be givin' ya... gastlies!"

His words were met by mixed reactions- dawning comprehension from some, like Zelda, further confusion from others, like Lucina and her crew, and further horror for others, like Saria. "But... but those are bad luck charms, aren't they? The spirits of grimm from the great wars-"

"Nah, nah, dat all be loada suppa-stishous hooey," Crazy waved himself dismissively. "Old huntahs be tinkin' dey grimm, but dey not! Dey actully kinda pokemon! Anyone know why dey be spetal?"

As one, the whole class, Sierras included, turned to Zelda and her upraised hand. "To most people, they're invisible!" she rattled off, sending another message to Mario via eye contact. "The only way you can see them... is if you've witnessed someone die!"

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she seemed to realize their full impact, the smile sliding off her face like butter as she glanced back at Luigi, Lucina, and finally, apologetically, Mario.

"Dat be da ting, a'ight," Crazy nodded, following her mood into solemnity. Perking back up again with the subject past, however, he continued. "Now, da tings ya gotta know 'bout gas-"

"Nwe-hem!"

Mario's heart dropped like a rock, his hands already curling into fists as he turned to see the portly form of Fassad Yokuba emerging from the darkness, far more frightening than any gastly. Crazy, however, newcomer to the Fassadian Inquisition, gazed around the clearing at the students. "Someun' be needin' Dee-Quill?"

"Nwe-hem!" Fassad repeated, making himself more obvious.

"Ah, it be youz!" Crazy chirped happily as he finally located the source of the noise. "Hmm... youz be needin' Dee-Quill?"

"I... am... fine... thank... you... for... asking," Fassad smirked as he began speaking in that infuriating slow voice once more. "Did... you... get... the... message... this... morning?"

"Youz signed nanner?" Crazy asked, producing from nowhere a banana peel with black marker all over it. "Yeah, me find. Time be 'spectin', huh? Well, you pick good time- we be goin' over da gastlies today!"

"Come... again?" Fassad asked, making a show out of not understanding the old hand. "Perhaps... you... could... repeat... that?"

"Gastlies," Crazy repeated, sounding confused. Seemingly struggling to communicate as normally as possible, he added, "You... you know, gastlies... ghost pokemon? Fly around? Invisible to everyone who not see- er, hasn't seen death?"

Fassad's eyebrows quirked. He began writing, except, unlike he'd done for Samus or Wolf, he read his writing aloud. "Patronizes me right from the beginning... truly grossly offensive, already grounds for a fine, if nothing else..."

"'Fensive?" Crazy wondered, and Mario could imagine a quirked eyebrow. "What- what mez be doin'?"

"Seems oblivious to his own privilege," Fassad muttered, continuing his scribbles. Mario closed his eyes tightly, before opening them on Bowser- sure enough, the dragon turtle was suddenly grinning a remarkably unpleasant grin. Zelda, on the other hand, was drawing blood from the palms of her hands.

Crazy still seemed confused, but shook it off and continued his lesson. "Nows, mez be sayin'... wez gotta whole grouppa gastlies in dese woods! Wez be startin' off wit one guy, four galsies-"

"And promotes regressive gender stereotypes," Fassad piped up, that loathsome banana-pen back to scribbling. Turning to the Hand, he spoke- well, more directly. "Are... you... not... aware... that... the... government... has... deemed... gastlies... problematic?"

"Dey be used in math problems?" Crazy asked- Mario could almost see the question mark appearing over his head. "Noz, me not be knoin' dat."

This time, Fassad didn't bother reading his text aloud, settling for simply giving a crud-eating grin. "Very... well... continue... as... you... normally... would... I... will... walk... amongst... the... students... and... ask... them... some... questions."

"Yeah, dat be good, me guess," Crazy shrugged, sounding slightly confused at the whole situation nonetheless. "Lezsee..."

"That evil son of a _b_ $& #!" Zelda was sobbing in sheer fury at this point.

"Well, I clearly can't trust this one for an... _impartial_ viewpoint," Fassad smirked as he strode by.

"So, gasties!" Crazy smacked his fingers together, struggling to get his thoughts back on track. "Interesting ting is, dey-"

Fassad interrupted, speaking with unnecessary volume to Maria Sheikah. "So, what sort of things does he teach you?"

Maria had clearly caught onto the name of the game. "Well, it's gastlies today, but just yesterday, he was forcing us to read passages of _Mein Kampf!_ "

"Fascinating," Fassad smirked, scribbling as he moved along.

"Da heck be a kampf?" Crazy wondered out loud. "'Nyways, gasties be summa da best trackas n' findahs da pokemon kingdom- yahs say whereya gotsta be headin', n' dey find it fur ya, no prob! Kinda da Hals of pokemon, huh?"

Mario could easily sense the joke- and was cringing before the hand even finished. Sure enough, enter Fassad, pen moving fast enough to blur- "Recklessly pits groups against each other..."

Grin seriously starting to remind Mario of Flowey the flower, Fassad turned to the nearest student- Luigi, who began to positively quake as, from his perspective, a horrible monster began to bear down on him. "Hello, little boy..."

"Meep!" Luigi ducked his head into his plethora of coats and sweaters turtle-style. "Luigi isn't here right now- he's in sweater town," came his muffled voice.

Fassad didn't bother to push him, instead continuing to write. "Has his students running scared, too frightened to speak up about his oppression..."

Next came Lucina, whose eyes were narrowed. "Now, you look like a sensible young lady," he chortled. "Do you find that your teacher calls you by your correct pronouns?"

"Yeah, he does," Lucina kept her voice even. "An attack helicopter, if you were curious. But I also find that he's a good _teacher_ \- he gets very passionate when he's _talking about_ the things he's _actually supposed to be talking about._ "

Internally, Mario revoked Lucina's extra drills. Externally, Fassad gave a light frown. "Brainwashes even the most objective students around to his twisted point of view," he muttered, scribbling those words down and turning away before Lucina could say anything further. "Well... Mr... Hand... I... believe... I... have... attained... a... good... understanding... of... what... this... class... is... like... I... thus... conclude... the... inquisition."

As he made to leave, Fassad raised a hand over his shoulder. "You... should... receive... your... results... in... ten... days..."

XXXX

"That slimy, no-good piece of-"

"Zelda?"

"Balogna!" Zelda quickly amended under Link's questioning gaze over the dinner table. "And during one of the best lessons I remember from him! I mean, sure, some might say gastlies are a tad out of the league of ALBATROSS students, but it's no worse than some of the things Samus has shown us!"

"And the idea of them being dangerous, like Saria said?" Link asked nervously.

"Like Crazy said, hunters used to think they were grimm," Zelda brushed aside. "That and the whole death thing... I wonder what it would be like to see them?"

"Do you really want to find out?" Mario spoke for the first time in quite a while, helping himself to his usual spaghetti.

Zelda paled. "Well, I'd like _to_ see them, but... no, I don't think it's worth someone dying just so I could..."

"Yeah, 'bout that, homes," came the unmistakable voice of Bowser Dragmire. "Me and my homeboys were just thinkin' how great it would be for you if the Smash-Up ball worked the same way, huh? Just watch Mario drop one of these days, and you might actually be a half-decent defense!"

As he led Ganondorf and Wario into another burst of that Yaldabaoth-awful rapping on the way to their table, Zelda laid a hand over Link's. To Mario's concern, his friend didn't seem fired up over the insult- more dejected than anything.

XXXX

December wasn't usually a stressful month for Mario (the previous year notwithstanding), but with the heavy workload the teachers were putting on their students, combined with Link and Zelda being in and out of the hub with remarkable speed... Mario was feeling the strain. Oh, Link and Zelda were, too.

How did Mario know? Link never hesitated to let him know about the difficulties of decorating the mansion's halls ("It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for that freaking Boo!), keeping closer eyes on those halls on Mido's orders ("He said something about things always going crazy around Christmas- what does he flipping know?!") and overseeing the noobs' Christmas activities ("And we were _not_ that disrespectful of the older students when _we_ were noobs, I'll tell you that!"... which led to the war to get Cranky's cane away from Link before the entire mansion was filled with old grumps, but that's another story altogether.) Throw in the events of the previous chapter, and this was _easily_ the second-most-stressful Christmas Mario had experienced at the mansion.

Needless to say, all of this had a heavy contribution to Mario looking forward to winter break more than any year before. The heavy workload would certainly have done it alone, but Fassad's increased grip on the mansion, his inability to participate in the Smash-Up circuit, concern for one hand and ever-increasing resentment for the other... it all combined into one big nasty cocktail that he simply wanted nothing to do with right now. The only thing keeping him from giving the whole house the finger and leaving right now was the SOM Brigade- which would also be ceasing over the break, given that most members would be leaving to spend their various holidays with their various families. Zelda was heading to Hawaii for a tropical vacation (Mario heavily suspected she had brought the location up with her parents specifically so she could describe the trip as a 'tropical freeze,') while Link really _was_ planning on giving the mansion the finger as he headed back home to Ordon Cottage. A great deal of teenage drama had played out over this between Mario and Link before Link finally snapped and shouted, "And that's why you're coming _with_ me, you idiot! I asked my parents as soon as I found out, and they gave the okay!"

"Thank you!" Mario shouted back. "That's easily the best gift anyone's ever given me!"

"Good!"

"GOOD!"

"Still friends?!"

"The _best,_ you flipping _winnicot!_ "

...What led up to that exchange, we'll leave to your imagination.

Afterwards, over their reconciliatory Mountain Dew, Mario had asked if Roy could come as well. Link's ears had drooped, and he'd agreed to run it by his Mom, with little actual hope in his voice. Truth be told, Mario hadn't held much hope himself- between the Master Hand's insistence that Roy remain at Silent Hill and the fact that Roy and Uli's love-hate relationship seemed stuck on the 'hate' edge lately... it just didn't seem all that likely.

Mario took it upon himself to head to the debug room early on the last meeting before the holidays (also on the last _day,_ as it happened), where he found Kirby and Meta enabling Yoshi the yoshi to put up a series of horrible Christmas decorations.

"Are friends certain that these will make Mario Mario happy?" the gullible dragon chirped as he picked up several crystalline effigies of Mario to drape around the chamber.

"They sure don't," Mario crossed his arms, glaring at the puffballs. "What have you been telling him?"

"No, no, wait, you haven't even seen the piece de resistance yet," Kirby chortled, reaching into the nearby box.

"Tah-dah!" Meta crowed, unleashing a giant painting of Mario, dressed up as Santa Claus, having a lightsaber duel with Fassad, dressed up as Krampus.

"Out," Mario said bluntly.

"You're no fun," the puffballs put on exaggerated pouts as they began to pack up. Mario looked down when he felt someone pulling at the edge of his overalls to find yoshi.

"Is... is the painting truly that terrible?" the lizard asked, looking up with watery eyes. "The Fair Ones dictated it, but Yoshi labored over it night and day..."

Mario struggled to summon a snarky comment, but ultimately broke before the lizard-dog eyes. "Fine, the painting can stay," he muttered.

"Hurray!" Yoshi chirped, joined by Kirby and Meta, only for the latter to begin running as fireballs mysteriously appeared and began striking the ground behind them. As they picked up their boxes and bolted out the door, Yoshi continued beaming as he raised the painting to a hook that suddenly appeared in the wall. "Wave Existence bless us, everyone!"

The yoshi did a little tail-chasing dance before heading out of the door as well. Mario stared as he headed out- right past the drifting form of Melia Antiqua. "That was a very kind thing to do," she commented- as usual, not sounding as though she was commending it, just commenting on it.

"Yeah, well, at this most wonderful time of the year," Mario walked backwards, "as a sign of grace to my fellow dragon-dinosaurs... is he gone?"

Melia glanced out into the hallway. "Yes, he is gone."

"Good," Mario nodded, turning around and incinerating the painting. "I have enough trouble getting these people to take me seriously without something like _that_ hanging over my head."

"I disagree," Melia shook her head slightly. "I take you seriously. Very seriously."

Mario tilted his head. "Really?"

"Quite- for example, burning that painting. No doubt it was rigged to produce phantoms by none other than Fassad, on Ryan's behalf. He _does_ have several portrait phantoms, you know- rigged to leave their frames and wreak havoc as soon as he sees fit."

Mario glanced back at the burning painting. "Well, it's done for now."

"What's done?"

Mario let out a yelp as he turned to see Kumatora, Yukiko, and Paula all entering the room. Mario looked quickly between them- Yukiko in particular- and the painting, but ultimately breathed a sigh of relief- the painting was _far_ too gone by now for them to recognize it. "Er... nothing. How's... anything else? Really, I'll gladly talk about _anything_ but this."

Kumatora raised an eyebrow, but finally seemed ready to cut him a break. "Well, I took advantage of the hiatus to find new team members?"

"Wait, _that's_ what happened last chapter?" Mario asked- he'd genuinely forgotten.

"Well, _technically,_ last chapter was a random quicky, but yeah, that was the last _real_ chapter," Kumatora sighed. "So, we've got two new brawlers and a seeker."

"And who might they be?"

"Well, the seeker is Peach Faron."

"Peach? Get outta town- she drives?"

"Very well," Kumatora nodded. "Not _quite_ to your standards- I think she'd be better as a member of the _offense,_ to be honest- but given the circumstances, I'm happy with what I've got."

"And the brawlers?"

The Nintendo team's offense collectively cringed. "Don't remind me," Paula muttered.

"That bad?"

"Kumatora was begging for me to shoot her in the head by the end," Yukiko nodded.

"I had to hold her back from actually doing it," Paula recalled, staring at Yukiko. "Not Kumatora, though- she was trying to press her head against Yukiko's gun. Where did you even _get_ that?"

"Naoto lent it to me," Yukiko said simply.

One awkward silence later, Kumatora let out another sigh. "Junkrat and Roadhog Casey," she mumbled into her hands. "A couple of complete _morons,_ but compared to the other _twits_ that turned up, they outrank the Farons!"

XXXX

Mario was so befuddled by that remark that by the time he'd tuned back into reality, the rest of the Brigade had shown up, and was gazing curiously at the pile of ash where the painting used to be. Quickly, he snapped to his senses, grabbed a nearby broom and dustpan, swept it all up, and stood where it had once lain. "Alright, people, good to see you all here. So, for today... um... for today..." He'd _had_ a lesson planned out, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember _what_. "Well, you know what? Last lesson before winter break, no point into starting on something brand new and having everyone forget, so let's just have a kind of free period, how 'bout? Just get together, spar, go over everything we've covered so far."

Soon enough, everyone was in their usual pairs- Mario quirked a brow when he saw that Tharja and Ness had somehow become each others' favored partners. He still had his suspicions about that girl...

As for himself, though, he found himself across from Luigi, who already had lightning crackling around his body. He could almost _hear_ Led Zeppelin's _Immigrant_ playing over the speakers- wait, what the-(2)

"Get away from the speakers, you two!" he barked at Kirby and Meta Knight, who released them, chortling as they headed to their sparring mat. "Morons..." He would have turned the music off as well, but it actually seemed to be pumping everyone up, so he ultimately decided to leave it alone and turn back to Luigi.

Who, as he'd been thinking before he was so _rudely_ interrupted, was a completely different person from before- Mario no longer had to go easy on him. Even fighting his hardest, it was still no longer certain who would win their bouts. Both boys were blurs as they hurled heaps of fire and lightning at each other, swung at each other with fists and feet alike, leaping over and under and spinning in the air... and when Luigi ultimately brought his fist against Mario's face, it _hurt._ Definitely enough to knock him to the ground.

"Oh, Existence! Mario, I'm sorry," Luigi immediately recoiled.

"It's alright, Lu, it's alright!" Mario chuckled as he brought himself back up. _Dang,_ that would sting for a while, but Lu didn't need to know that- it was a good pain, anyways. "Alright, time for me to do some laps-"

"Right!" Luigi nodded rapidly, heading over to Link and Zelda's mat, where Link was demonstrating his own improvement by batting back every spell Zelda sent at him.

Gazing around the room, Mario felt the purest happiness he'd felt since... a long, long time.

XXXX

An hour later, he brought things to a halt to tell them exactly that. "This is the purest happiness I've felt since... a long, long time," he spoke out from the head of the room. When everyone seemed confused at this line, he simply held up a sign with the word 'Gamer4' on it, and everyone accepted the awkward line. "Any starman trying to take you on will have their work cut out for you, that's for certain. Stay sharp over the holidays- remember, _constant vigilance._ "

"Just like old Simon said, right?" Ness piped up, grinning.

Mario sighed. "Yes, Ness, just like old Simon said. You keep this up, we might even have time for final smashes by the end of the year."

 _That_ caught everyone's attention, and definitely seemed to contribute to the good cheer that practically everyone- even Kevin Winnicott- left the debug room with that day.

As everyone else filed out, Mario invented an excuse to Link and Zelda about wanting to make sure he'd swept up all the ash- in reality, he had his eyes on a certain Dama he hoped to receive some holiday well-wishes from.

His heart began to race as he approached the still somewhat ashen area, especially when he saw Pauline shaking off efforts by Tharja to strike up a conversation, simply wishing her Happy Holidays and sending her out.

As for himself, he picked up the broom again and began to sweep at the few particles of ash that still remained. As the last person left the room, closing the door with a click, his heartbeat reached its peak...

*Sniff.*

-and proceeded to drop like a rock. He turned to see Pauline's face streaming with tears.

He froze- all his straight-man training was no good here. Impaired though his social skills were by spending the first decade of his life in an attic, he at least knew that one didn't generally open conversation with a crying person by snarking at them... which effectively eliminated three quarters of his vocabulary.

"Er... any point in asking... what's wrong?" he asked, wishing desperately he could blame this newfound awkwardness on the author as well.

"Sorry," Pauline looked downcast. "I know this should be a happy time, but... it's just... all of this... I thought... if only DK had known it..."

 _Now_ Mario was snarking- at himself. _Really, dude? You didn't see this coming? Seriously, if there was anyone in the whole flipping_ mansion _who was going to be more affected by that than you..._

"He did," Mario countered in a heavy sort of way. "Trust me, DK knew his stuff better than I did. He _killed_ an _ultimate chimaera_ in that labyrinth, after all."

"He did?" Pauline asked, raising her eyes to meet his.

"Why did they even bother having spectators at the Trials if nobody could see the best parts?" Mario asked, finally seeing an opportunity for snark. His heart rose a bit when Pauline gave a weak chuckle- though the levity didn't last long.

"Then why...?"

"Because he ended up against something worse than an ultimate chimaera," Mario recalled. "When you're up against Tabuu, the best you can do is try to survive and hope for a miracle. I guess the Existence was light on miracles that day..."

"What about you?" Pauline asked. Mario's heart began beating faster. "You survived when you were just a baby."

"Through probably the biggest fluke that's ever occurred in the history of the multiverse," Mario clarified. "It's not like I baby punched him into the void or anything..."

Another weak laugh, and Pauline wiped her eyes. "Sorry to bring all this up again... I know it can't have been easy for you... I mean, I think _I_ have it bad, and _you're_ the one who actually watched it all happen..."

Mario had no earthly idea what to say here, so instead decided to just wait and see.

"You're a better teacher than you think, you know," she choked out. "Before this, I'm sure I'd have lost a fight to a training dummy..."

Mario noticed with a start that Pauline was drawing steadily closer- _very_ close. "Well, I'm sure if it was possessed by a special phantom..."

"What sort of phantom possesses a training dummy?"

"No idea," Mario shrugged, struggling to hide his inner panic at just _how smegging close_ she was. "I'm sure Melia could bring something up, though..."

Weak laugh number 3, and she was now close enough to see individual strands of hair. "You're a great person, Mario... I really _do_ care for you..."

Nope. That was it. Mario-exe has encountered an error and cannot continue. Mario-exe must shut down to prevent further damage...

XXXX

And so it came to be that, when Mario finally returned to the Nintendo hub about fourty-four minutes later, he was less than certain about what had actually transpired during that time. Zelda was writing a letter- and was currently on her fifteenth page of text. Link, on the other hand, was on his antique laptop, working on wrapping up one essay or another.

"Well, look what Simba dragged in," Link commented, flipping his laptop shut. "Geesh, what happened to you?"

It was at this point that Mario realized his overalls were only buttoned on one side- with the wrong strap. He swiftly struggled to restore order to his clothing, drawing Zelda's attention as well.

Zelda's eyes narrowed. "Are you okay?"

Was Mario okay? His brain attempted to gather that information for his mouth, but, unfortunately, Mario-exe was still in the process of rebooting. He had no idea where to even _begin_ with an answer to that question.

"Alright, buddy, stay with me," Link spoke slowly. "What happened? One step at a time, just walk us through what physically happened..."

Mario's eyes roamed around. He was still struggling for a response, but the only thought he could muster was how fortunate he was that the events of the past hour or so had transpired in the debug room, rather than anywhere else. "Hah..."

Something seemed to click in Zelda's mind, and a sly smile crossed her face. "Pauline, huh? She finally approached you?"

Mario sat down in a chair between the two, still struggling to form words. Zelda's lids lowered halfway. "One grunt for yes, two for no."

"Hah..."

Link waited for a moment, then let a smirk break out over his own face- nothing sly about it. Struggling to keep down his inner twelve-year-old, the green swordsman asked, "So... what'd she want?"

"Hah..."

Zelda glanced between her usual comrade-in-snark and the preteen in a swordsman's body before sighing, coming to the conclusion that she was going to have to be the sane one here. Moving to be as blunt as possible, she met Mario's eyes. "Did. You. Kiss?"

A long moment passed before Mario gave the weakest possible nod, simply letting his head fall and bounce on his chest. "Hah."

"BAM! And THERE it is!" Link let out a whoop, causing the younger students nearby to jump. He then broke down in raucous laughter that elicited another half-lidded glance from Zelda before she turned back to the pyro in need.

"So... how was it?"

Mario subconsciously ran a hand over his overall's straps to make sure they were still in their proper place. "..."

"Say 'hah' again and you're getting a shuriken to the face," Zelda interrupted, producing said item from her sleeve.

"...But you're not Sheik," Mario finally strung together a coherent sentence.

Zelda smiled. "Thought appealing to your straight-man side would bring you back. So, what was it like?"

Eyes on the shuriken, Mario shrugged. "...Wet."

"You're killing me! You're killing me!" came Link's cries from the floor, only to be silenced with a yelp as Zelda dropped the shuriken on him.

"...She was crying," Mario elaborated, still hardly acknowledging anything happening around him.

"Wow," Link gave one last chuckle, picking the shuriken up and tossing it over his shoulder, out the window. "What, did you try to snark her out or something?"

"I... I don't _think_ I did..."

"Of course you didn't," Zelda interrupted. "She's been crying all over the place- I've hardly seen her _not_ crying since the year started."

"Yeah, but... even while she's kissing?"

"...Are you really that stupid, Link?" Zelda asked simply.

"What'd _I_ do?" Link retorted indignantly- and stellarly.

"Don't you understand how she's feeling?" Zelda asked.

"Well... she said... about DK..." Mario recalled, still half removed from reality.

"That's definitely part of it," Zelda nodded, turning back to him. "But there's got to be some confusion in there, too, now that she's pining after you instead- who does she like best? Is she betraying DK by going to _anyone_ else, let alone one of DK's main rivals? I mean, I know you don't think of him that way _anymore,_ " she quickly amended, "but she wasn't exactly there to see you flipping out whenever anyone impugned his honor, was she? That's right- now she's pining after the person who was the _rival_ to her old boyfriend, and who was also the sole witness to his death- you picking up what I'm putting down? And, on top of all that, it's been affecting her kart-driving, so now she's worried about her place on the team!" A moment's pause, and Zelda sighed. "Just realized how petty I made that sound, but you know what I mean- the cherry on top of the sundae, and all that."

"You're joking, right?" Link's eyes widened. "Nobody could feel all _that_ at once- it's just not possible!"

Zelda stared at him for a long, long while. Finally, she reached into her backpack. "Alright, Link, I'll finish your homework for tonight on one condition."

"Name it!" Link responded with the expected eagerness.

"Watch this," Zelda continued, producing a DVD case from her backpack and handing it over to him, "and write a five-paragraph essay reflecting on what you just said. That's your new homework."

Link looked confusedly at the case- Disney's _Inside Out._ "I don't-"

"Now, back to you," Zelda turned back to Mario.

"It... _did_ seem a tad out of nowhere... I didn't know what to do..."

"Be nice to her." Zelda tilted her head. "You... you _were,_ right?"

"I... I didn't snark her out, or anything..." Part of Mario was less then confident about what he _had_ done, though, and the vague impressions were certainly not to be shared, even with Link and Zelda.

Zelda narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "Alright, I'll let you off the hook for now, but I'm watching you, Mario Mario. Always watching." Dropping the creepy atmosphere, she asked, "So, will you be seeing her again?"

Mario choked. "Well, it wasn't bad enough for her to leave the Brigade over, I don't think..."

"Mario, don't try to dodge," Zelda interjected. "You know _exactly_ what I mean."

Mario turned to gaze into the fire, trying to sort through his own feelings. What _did_ he want?

Finally, Zelda pulled back. "Well, no need to worry about it now. You'll have plenty of time to think during winter break, then to act once school starts up again." With that, she returned to her letter.

Link proceeded to buy Mario even more thinking time by asking, "So, who writes letters anymore, anyways? Don't you have a cell?"

"Sure, _I_ do, but the person I'm writing to has a scroll," Zelda waved him aside. "Kind of like a cell, but not compatible. Apparently, it's the next big thing after the next big thing."

"Uh-huh," Link took the opportunity to lower _his_ lids halfway. "And what kind of hipster dipstick picks up a flipping _scroll_ just because it's the next big thing after the-"

"Sonic," Zelda answered mid-question, offering probably the only word in the multiverse that could have driven Link into silence.

... For a few seconds.

"The _hedgehog?"_

"Because 'Sonic' is such a common name," Zelda sniped.

Link blinked a few times, opening and closing his mouth. Finally, he lapsed into silence, returning Zelda's movie in favor of returning to his essay on his own. Zelda sighed, accepting the movie and returning it to her backpack. About half an hour later, Zelda smiled, signed her name to the apparent novella she'd just completed, and carried it upstairs into her dorm. After another few minutes, Link headed up to his own, grumbling about 'winnicott hipster hedgehogs,' leaving Mario to his own very confused thoughts.

XXXX

 _Mario was in the debug room, currently bearing a large theater-screen along one wall. Pauline was there, looking furious- apparently, he'd agreed to meet up with her here to watch one movie, only to bring another._

" _Who gives a smeg about the Avengers?!" she was screaming. "I wanted to watch Inside Out!"_

 _Mario blinked. "I thought we were planning on watching Jumanji..."_

 _Pauline seemed to calm down a bit. "With Dwayne Johnson?"_

 _Mario stared. "...The smeg's a Dwayne Johnson?"_

 _Pauline flared back up again. "DK was_ always _taking me to Dwayne Johnson movies! We saw Baywatch_ nine _times!"_

" _The_ smeg's _a baywatch?!" Mario asked, increasingly confused._

 _Abruptly, the screen started up behind him, and he spun around to see Zelda, Link rolling around the floor in the background, only visible because his legs were kicking up in laughter. "It_ was _a bit of a jerk move," she admitted. "Why not try to form a compromise? Get Smart should be a good middle ground."_

 _Mario's brain was starting to melt. "You know what? How about we just head to the video store in Kurain?" he asked, turning to the door. "Why don't we just... do... that..."_

 _This wasn't the Smash Mansion._

 _Mario's strides became far stiffer as he headed down the corridor that had appeared outside the debug room. A glance at his own form showed it to be suddenly rather bony, and hunched over to support a massive shell. The walls were polished to a near mirror shine, revealing a lurching terror- a skeletal koopa, of sorts, the type that didn't seem alive, except it was walking, and there was a faint light in its eyes..._

 _*Click, clack, click, clack...*_

 _There was the door. He'd know that door anywhere, and it was finally time to thrust it open, reveal the secrets within..._

 _Except there was a man in front of it. Tall, well-muscled, blond, and-_

 _*SNORE...*_

 _And asleep. Not that he'd have any compunctions about killing this man- meat was meat- but he was under strict orders to risk such an attention-catching move only if absolutely necessary. For now, the door was his objective._

 _But then the man jerked, the red and blue blanket over him coming into sharper relief as it slipped the rest of the way off. His gaze wandered for a moment before clapping down on him, and suddenly, he was on his feet, sword released from sheath, a fierce look in his eye..._

 _No choice, then. Mario leapt forward, bony claws flashing. The sword moved into him, but went straight through his empty ribcage, leaving him free to rip, and tear, and to kill..._

"Mario! MARIO!"

Mario's eyes opened fast enough to narrowly avoid a sonic boom. He was sweating- every bead felt like an ice cube. On his forehead, however, a branding iron was being forced into his skull, an iron in the shape of an M...

"Mario!" came the voice again, and this time, he recognized it as Link's- the swordsman was standing over him, looking rather pale himself as he struggled to make contact. Quite a few others seemed to have filed down into the hub as well- he could see the twin puffballs looking uncharacteristically concerned in one corner, and Zelda, and Ness, Diddy, Lu...

No. None of that was important. Link was right there. It was critical he know, that he be informed. "Link... Rusl... your dad... he's hurt-"

"Dad?" Link asked. "Are you okay?"

"No, he's not okay!" Zelda looked frantic. "Look at him! We need to get him to Nurse Tessie!"

At those words, Luigi sprinted out the door, no doubt to get the named Nurse, but medicine was _not_ at the forefront of Mario's mind. "No, not her- the Hand- the Master Hand! Rusl's been attacked- blood everywhere-"

Now he had the puffball's attention as well, but Link was struggling to remain calm. "Buddy, I get it, but it was a dream- some weird fever dream..."

"Not a dream!" Mario insisted. "It was real- I was right there, I saw it happen, I..."

For a brief moment, he froze, then beckoned Link down and whispered the pained admission of guilt- "I _made_ it happen..."

Link's eyes widened, but he shook his head. "No, just a fever dream, buddy- they're always crazy smeg like that."

"No, it's not me, it's Rusl, _he's_ the one who-"

"Alright, what's going on here?"

The hub opened up, and there was Samus Aran- Mario couldn't remember the last time he was this happy to see her. "Ms. Aran! Philadelphia- Rusl- Link's dad- he's in danger, he's been attacked!"

"How do you know?" Samus asked, clearly taking him more seriously than most might, but still working to understand exactly what was going on.

"I saw it happen!" Mario repeated. "I don't know how, I was just asleep, and-"

"A dream, then?"

"A vision at best!" Mario shouted- he normally wouldn't be this brazen in Samus's face, but this was _critical._ "There _was_ a dream, but then it was a vision- not some stupid fever dream, this really happened, and Rusl could be _dying!_ "

Samus stared at him, only the slightest traces of fear appearing on her face- a tic at the corner of her mouth, or at the edge of her eye. Mario reiterated- "I'm not crazy- I saw it happen."

"And I believe you," Samus spoke abruptly. "Get up- good thing you're already dressed. You're off to see the Master."

 _XXXX_

(1) Using numbers this time because there were so many asterisks in this chapter- a theremin's an instrument known for its rather eerie sound. Specifically, the line of music I was imagining here was the harmony in Elton John's Last Episode at Hienton, but if that's not your style, just type 'theremin' into google, there are plenty of videos of people playing all kinds of music with it.

(2) For those not in the know, Led Zeppelin's Immigrant is the song from all the Thor trailers, and in the climax of the movie itself. You know the song I'm talking about.

Alright, finally ready to put this one up after a year and a flipping half. I really need to stop breaking off- I'm probably losing enough readers as is _without_ the excruciating hiatuses. That said, I _do_ have an itch in my fingers to write again, the likes of which I haven't had for a long, long while- seriously, it's been an odyssey, and to be honest, I wasn't even in contact with a computer for most of it. But I'm back, and looking to stay back. If you're still around to read this, then, hope you enjoyed it, and to let me know, please R&R, constructive criticism embraced, flames, not so much, Gamer4 out!


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